Captain Falcon's Story

Just then, a blue hovercraft machine sped in, stopping just next to the others.

"Waaa - ! Mama mia, that was-a crazy!" Wario exclaimed.

The top of the racing machine opened up, revealing a man in a blue racing outfit, a yellow scarf, golden gloves, and a red helmet emblazoned with a golden bird on the front. "I hope I'm not too late," he said with a grin.

Sockie suddenly squeals very loudly, and runs up to Captain Falcon.

"Captain Falcon, I am your biggest fan! SIGN MY SHIRT!" he shouts.

"(!) ..." Captain Falcon was somewhat shocked by Sockie's sudden approach...but autographs his shirt anyway.

Sockie runs back into the Sock Train, and shows off his newly-signed shirt to Sockra and Brimstone.

"LOOK! I JUST GOT AN AUTOGRAPH FROM THE CAPTAIN FALCON HIMSELF!" exclaims Sockie. "I'll never wash this shirt again!"

"You washed it to begin with?" questions Sockra.

"Bah, who is this 'Captain Falcon'?" asks Brimstone. "Is he some sort of great destroyer of worlds?!"

"What? No, he's an awesome racer!" explains Sockie. "Jeez, you're weird!"

"Looks like nearly have enough racers. All of you will be in the garage until I say that it's time." Mad Moxxi winked, "Just remember, don't be late..."

"Uh.. S-Sur-- OW!" Luigi got bumped by Starlow, "What?"

Racer S nodded as she, Starlow, and Luigi walk to their own garages. Mad Moxxi is thinking about somebody but it's not Sockie. "If you excuse me, I got to make a quick call. I just got an idea..."

"Ma'am?" An intern asked.

Moxxi walk towards the telephone booth. The Interns shrug as they set up the race as quick as possible.

The Sock Train, Death's Head's vehicle, and Thant all go into their respective garages.

"Ha, I don't need any tuning up!" exclaims Thant proudly to himself. "This body's perfect as is!"

Quentel goes into his garage as well. What a magnificent post this is.

Captain Falcon, Wario, and Pit taken their vehicles to garages as well.

Ignacious follows suit, driving into his own garage. It's a good thing his car responds to his ghostly spirit, and not his feet (or lack, thereof)!

Luigi is double checking on his Bolt Buggy's engine to see if there's anything to fix. He also checks on the Bolt Buggy itself if there's anything to modify. Starlow checks on Luigi.

"I didn't know you drive that old thing. What is it?" Starlow asked.

"The Bolt Buggy~ It's an old economy sized car that runs with unleaded fuel. Very reliable too." Luigi replied.

-----

Mad Moxxi calls somebody on the phone. "Oh, sorry to ruin your embarrassing moment Ghost, but I'm in need of your help." She said.

"Oh, jesus christ... As if being raped by a fruity-ass fruitbowl wasn't bad enough, you had to come here! What the hell do you want, you whore?!"

"I'm hiring a co-host, and I believe that you are perfect for the job."

"Fuck no! I'm about to end this sorry-ass show. There will be no shoutouts, no radio graffit, NO GODDAMN RADIO--"

"How about your time off from the show and work for me. I promise you that I will pay you some money."

"How much?"

"$5,000 give or take."

"Well, at least you are making capital. But I still think you're a whore."

"That's nice, sugar. Stop by at Cosmos Speedway and I will give you a job." Moxxi smiled as Ghost hangs up from the phone.

Wario is busy sorting out all the stuff he'll need to use in the race - Bob-ombs, high-quality banana peels, Red Shells (lots of them), Fake Blocks, gas bombs ("manufactured" by him), and a Spiny Shell in case things get really dodgy for him.

"{chuckles} Those-a losers won't-a know what hit 'em!"

Over in Ignacious' garage meanwhile, the skeleton is spending his free time sprucing up his vehicle - by which I mean constantly running around it and blasting streams of fire, apparently trying to weld various new weapon parts and sharp bits onto it. How it doesn't melt the car's metal bits entirely is anyone's guess.

A skeleton in a scarf and cowboy hat and a really dumb engineer who follows him enter the speedway and confronts Mad Moxxi about working with her. Probably just to get away from the "troll terrorists" and "cyber vermin", and hopes that the event won't fruit up.

"So glad you could come and spend time with me and my event, Ghost. I knew you have a good heart in you." Moxxi commented.

"Eh, shove it up your ass. I only come here because you bribed me into being your co-host." Ghost replied, "But I figured that you might need a man with the plan to make commentaries on the race. So, where is the office?"

Moxxi leads Ghost to the spectator office. Ghost is impressed that everything is clean and nifty despite pornographic posters on each wall. Even the interns find this ridiculous, yet some are aroused by her.

"What in the--?!" Ghost stammered.

"Do you like it, Ghost?"

"well, err... Not what I had in mind. Anyway, I'll let the Engineer keep track on who's leading and who's not. Hey- Engineer! Get your ass ready!"

"HUUURDUUUURRUUURURUUUURAAHHHAAAAAAHH!!!" Engineer sets up the leaderboards and checks on the racers.

"I hope everybody is geared up because I'm about to let them know that the race is about to begin." Mad Moxxi smirked.

Meanwhile, Luigi is equipping the shell cannons for each side of his car and adds a thruster on the back of the car. Racer S is modifying her vehicle just to be on a safe side, and making sure there is no damage to the motorbike. Starlow is inspecting the drivers, but she finds out that Wario is trying to play dirty again. She scoffs and flies away and warns Luigi about Wario's suspected foul play.

Quentel hooks up a New-U station to his Oldsmobile. Why? Because he's getting smart enough to know at this point that, besides Thant, he's going to be the first one dying on the track.

EVERYBODY! THE RACE IS ABOUT TO BEGIN SHORTLY. BE THERE AT THE STARTING LINE OR DON'T COME AT ALL. THAT IS ALL.

"Oh mama mia! I better get-a-going!" Luigi hops on his Bolt Buggy, "All-a-systems are go. Everything is peachy keen... ho ho~ I think it will run like a glove."

"I'm not sure if you'll be able to win this race, Luigi." Starlow said, "But I hope that you can do your best."

"Wish me luck Starlow!"

Luigi drives his Bolt Buggy to the starting line. Racer S finished maintaing her motorbike and drives it over to the starting line. She looks at Luigi and nods at her, wishing him good luck. Meanwhile, Moxxi and Ghost begin their broadcast on live TV. The camera crew position themselves to record the broadcasters, the racers, and the entire race track.

"Hello, people of Unita. Welcome to the first annual Moxxxi Grand Prix. I'm your host, Mad Moxxi, and joining me today is my co-host, the man they call Ghost."

"Goooooooooood day to you everybody! Hah ha ha ha haaa~ WOOO! You know, I have to admit, you put up a lot of effort into making this the biggest show on the planet."

"Biggest show in the galaxy actually. I'm calling it a space race."

"Fair enough. Now before we begin, I would like you all to check out the racers. And boy oh boy, they sure are looking pretty good, am I right Engineer?"

"DUUURUURUDAHHHH!!!" exclaimed the Engineer.

"Let's have a little.. role call, shall we?" Moxxi smiled.

"Right. Let's list the racers in the roster..." Ghost begins to describe the racers.

Luigi - "This humble little green man is named Luigi, which some people call him the "brother who is overlooked by so many." He wanted to prove that he can do better than his older brother. His vehicle for his choice is the Bolt Buggy, which... to be honest, I don't like it..." ~ Moxxi

Racer S - "Here we have is a young anonymous racer who owns a motorcycle as a vehicle of her choice. Suppose that bike is faster than the other racers, but if there a racer who is faster than her, she is fucked for sure." ~ Ghost.

Sockie - "This wooly little man is Sockie and his vehicle of choice is... a train. He described it as the Sock Train, one of the deadliest vehicles ever made. And I.. have no idea what that sockonian is doing. He is the current ruler of Sockonia- shouldn't he get back to work instead of having fun? Immature little--" ~ Moxxi

Wario - "Oooooh yeah! I know that guy who's makin' money out of video games. That there is Wario and his best bike ever. But as far as I'm concerned, he's got a whole lot of arsenal in his hands. Better avoid while you can! His bike can run you over." ~ Ghost

Pit - "Here we have a winged guardian named Pit and his vehicle of choice is his chariot. His chariot can run up to two unicorns, which works better than regular horses. Now if only he can paint those unicorns with firey red color, that would.. mm.... turn me on. I always loved red--- oh.. I apologize~" ~ Moxxi

Death's Head - "Death's Head is not just your average racer. He is a bounty hunter and owns a blue and gold race car. Heh hah hah haah! I like him already! Ya know, he's got a good mind to keep his eyes on the prize." ~ Ghost.

Quentel - ".....Hmm... I'm not sure what to think about him, but his Oldsmobile is somewhat suitable for the race. But if he has weapons which he does, I'm sure he can win this. ....What? I just think of him as an oddball. Don't judge my comments!" ~ Moxxi

Ignacious - "Jesus christ... and we got an undead racer who, of course, wants to win the race. As you can see, he owns a ghastly vehicle that runs on screaming souls. I'M JUST SAYING. His car might run on screaming souls. I mean, who uses souls for fuel, huh? OOoooh, we do not need fuel to run for our cars! We can use souls and make our car puurrrnyanyanya--SHUT UP!!!" ~ Ghost

Thant - "Thant is... what else? A wheelie. ...That's all I can say, folks." ~ Moxxi.

Captain Falcon - "And there's Captain Falcon himself and his trusty Blue Falcon. He is rumored to be one of the fastest racers in the galaxy, but I have my doubts that he may win this race. I'm just saying. It's not a fact, it's an opinion." ~ Ghost.

??? - "With all 10 racers coming together to prove themselves to be the Moxxxi Grand Prix champion, only one will---" ~ Decending whistling noise--?!!!

"Wait- what was that noise?" Moxxi asked Ghost.

BOOM!!!!!

As the smoke clears out beside Luigi, a strange old man and a photorealistic tiger appears at the starting line. Except when the tiger is over the old man. That old man's name is Uncle Grandpa. "G'Morning!" He spoke out loud, much to Luigi's shock.

"Wait- who's this guy?" one intern said.

"...Oh no... Oh god, no. NOT HIM." Moxxi screamed.

"A-Are you kidding me?" Ghost's eyes twitch, "ARE YOU-- KIDDING ME?! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! You know, I am okay with racers coming in late as the race is about to start, but this FRUITBOWL COMES IN AND RUINS FOR--GAAAAHHH!! *cans.wav* FUCKING FRUITS!!!! THEY'RE FRUITIN' UP!!!!!!!!! AGGHHHHHHHH!!!!" *more cans.wav*

Luigi is staring at Uncle Grandpa. "Uh... who are you?"

"I'm your Uncle Grandpa!" He replied.

"You're my... what now?" Luigi is confused, "I don't get it."

"Actually, he's everybody in the world's uncle and grandpa. And when comes to visit, it's surely a time you'll never forget."

"Yep~ Sounds about right~" Uncle Grandpa said.

"I agree~" Another Uncle Grandpa from Uncle Grandpa's fanny pack.

"Ditto!" One pops up from Uncle Grandpa's hat.

"G'Morning!" Then another pops out of the tiger's butt.

"........." Luigi slaps himself, "Uurggh... This is gonna be one of those days."

"Hey, don't let this guy break your sanity, Luigi." Starlow spoke to Luigi, "I'm sure he's not much of a--" Then Uncle Grandpa ate his clones like a cannibal. He burped afterwards. Starlow shows her disgust towards Uncle Grandpa. "REALLY!?!"

"Sorry. Forgot about table manners." Uncle Grandpa blushed.

Wario on the Wario Bike, Pit on the Lightning Chariot, Captain Falcon in the Blue Falcon - they all met at the starting line, ready to take off. Pit was rather started at Uncle Grandpa's arrival, though.

"Uhhh...Lady Palutena? What do you make of this kook?" Pit asked Palutena via telepathy.

"Oh, I wouldn't worry too much, Pit," Palutena replied from the Celestial Plain. "By the end of the race, I'm sure you'll get to like him~"

"Wahahahaha! Now this is-a MY kinda guy!" Wario commented. "He's so quirky, it's awesome!"

Quentel drives up to the starting line.

The Sock Train, Death's Head's vehicle, and Thant all come up to the starting line.

"Ya'll ready to LOSE?!" shouts Sockie.

"Speak for yourself, jackass!" shouts back Thant.

"Hmm... no, don't think this will be much trouble after all." remarks Death's Head.

Ignacious drives up to the starting line as well, bewildered at Uncle Grandpa's sudden entrance. He quickly takes out a paper and pencil and starts writing something.

"..Note to future-Ignacious," Ignacious started mumbling as he scribbled. "Remember to invite odd tiger rider to Ignacious' brother's death-day."

Zedrek, the Idiot that he is, drives a Dragon to the starting line. "Sup, Bastards of the Storm Cloak! so, is this a Race or some damned fighting Tournament that Idiot Torgue made?"