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"Hey, watch where you're going, punk!" a sharp voice snapped by my ear after a impact rushed into me. "What are you just going to stand there?" nervously I shook my head in response, pulling my sleeves over my hands as I took another glance around me, to see the mass of students now turning up.
"I'm sorry... I don't know where my dorm is..." my eyes to the floor, I was effectively pulling back into my mind and trying to dissolve into nothing. I didn't want a fight. Especially not on the first day; I had even tried to look like everyone else in an attempt to blend in, but I guess my skinny jeans long brown hair was enough to cause attention anyway. There was a snicker beside me, followed by yet another bump as he stormed off, leaving my by myself once again to figure out what I was going to do. Yet again my soft eyes fell on everything around me, a mass of people and buildings with the green tops of trees dotted around the edges. There was no other thing for me to do other than follow suit and copy everyone else, into the college and hunt for my building. Maybe I will be able to find someone who knew where I needed to go and they could help me there.
Older people, who must have been here last year were already sat out on the outside decks drinking and laughing with friends. Whilst us new comers thought to find out our dorm placement and to make friends. Well not that it took a lot for me to make friends.
I saw people hurtle down the corridors, and I saw a kid with a sweeping fringe, his head bobbing up and down as he walked, he was turning every which way as if he was hoping he'd find the place he was meant to be, but in a sea full of muscle like this it was impossible. He knocked a student and the taller guy turned around shouted at him... I was so confused, but i guess first day stresses cause people to snap for no reason at all. I averted my eyes and continues on walking with the crush of traffic. Nice jean though, Kid. I think, looking down at the sweet little guy. He wore some rocking black skinnies, much like mine, just his had a chain coming from the front left pocket to side left belt loop. And I had to admit it, I was jealous of them. I must admit he looked like a pretty cool kid.
The mass moved on wards and, although fighting for breath, I got myself into a larger room, where a young woman greeted with with a beaming smile, and my god she was hot.
"Hello, what's you're name?" She smiled down.
"Kellin Quinn, and you want to give me yours?" I asked. I guess that was a benefit of being so popular, your confidence was high, and well I wasn't afraid to look like an idiot. Her red lipped smile thinned, she flicked through a screen and wrote onto a piece of paper. 'Kellin Quinn: West wing, 3rd floor, Room 78. And no, I don't go for 18 year olds." Ha, smart one she was, making a bit of a joke I thanked her and walked out of the room, trying to work out which way I needed to go. Unlike most people I kept my luggage with me, and slowly pondered my placement as I walked aimlessly around the college.
"Uh... thank you" was all I managed to stumble, my words tumbling over one another as I thought to gain some control on the nerves racing through my body. A lot of the kids before me had managed to hold up a brief bout of banter with the staff, or at least just managed to say thank you without making an idiot out of themselves, but I guess that was just something that came with confidence. Ha, confidence... I wonder what it feels like to possess such a thing - what it must be like to not second guess yourself about even just saying hello to someone after they have spoken to you. It must really be a great feeling. My grip tightened around my luggage handle, as though the pressure could possibly be enough to release some of the pent up emotions that were coursing through my body, the main one being anxiety.
From the crowd I heard someone shouting how to get to the west wing, so I turned right, and looked out the window until I could see exactly which building I had to find, in hope of finding some landmarks around it to make it stick out, but, unfortunately, the building was pretty featureless. However, it was clear that many young students were trying to work out the same thing I was, and so I followed their dialogue of shouting about where the building was and how to get around. God, I hoped my roommate would be nice because if they aren't I don't know how I will cope with the stress. The building wasn't actually that far away and I climbed up the stairwell, fighting for space to just breathe along with every other person who fought to get into their dorm and find out what awaited them - be it the person or just the layout of the room, everyone was eager to find out what what would welcome them to the start of their further education. Everyone except me. And as I found my room, my steps slowed as fear took its grip. Please be someone nice.
I pushed my bags under the bed I just claimed: Closest to the door, makes it easier when I get drunk... which is pretty often. And knocked the door shut with a satisfying click. Oh, so it instantly locks? That's pretty helpful. I noted and perched myself on my bed, kicking off my shoes. There wasn't any classes for the next two days to give us time to settle in, and I just wanted to relax, find out who I was staying with. Not that it mattered, since I was always out with people.
Time flicked by pretty slowly, and by now I could hear the crush of people migrating hesitantly past the door. The stomps were so loud it felt as though the ground shook, and the walls felt as though they were about to cave in. Doors opened ad were slammed shut, the crush seemed to lighten slightly as bewildered people found their rooms.
I raised my head expectantly, watching the door with a great intensity, and fixated on the door handle. Noting happened. I sighed and got out my phone, that was being spammed by texts. Mainly from people at different colleges, but one was a little weird. My latest ex, Sophie, just started telling me she never needed me and was glad to be single? That she liked someone else Well that's good, I mean I have fucked someone else since so big deal. I just couldn't really work out why she was telling me that, we hadn't spoken in 2 or 3 weeks. Ah well, just as i threw my phone down the door opened and in strode a tall, lanky boy strode in. Already tattooed up, with an English, but drunken English accent.
"Hi, I'm Ollie." He screwed his face up. "Confused right, yeah I'm English, but northern all the way. Hence my accent." He spoke in his gruff voice then turned to unload his stuff on his bed. "So tell me about yourself?"
Instantly I felt at home, he's the kind of dude I'd hang with by far.
I stepped further into the room to inspect it closer, my panic and fear returning as strong as ever as my examination confirmed that it had to belong to another student. My whole body screamed out to just run away and leave, but my feet were frozen to the spot. Now really wasn't the time for a panic attack because if nearly having one around a load of random people is embarrassing, having one in front of teh very person I will be living with a for a couple years would be on a completely different level. My body was itching to just go back home, I couldn't care how bad the town was, just being away from here with even more people to see me fail was the main thought. Just get away. But I knew I couldn't; my parents would only send me back.
"Hey, I'm guessing you're my roommate then?" a guy said behind me, and I snapped my neck around to look at him
"Err... yeah...where did you come from?" Yet again my awkwardness had let me down today.
"I went to the bathroom; it was a long journey up here and I figured it would be best to go now instead of running out the second you arrived," he smiled, his voice calming my nerves. I definitely got someone I could speak to.
With nerves no longer pounding in my head as badly as they were before, we set about unpacking. Alex refused to choose a bed, and left it up to me, so I eagerly grabbed the one furthest away because it would be far easier to hide away from prying eyes over there -not that anyone would be so interested in my that they would want to see me - and Alex would probably find it best if he could leave and come back whenever he wanted without waking me up in the process.
"What are you studying, then?" I sat down on my bed, listening out for his reply for a moment,
"Graphic design, what about you?" a smile broke out on my face,
"The same thing" I pushed my suitcase under my bed and out of the way, "Hey, do you want to go and find out where everything thing is here?"
"Yeah, lets find the canteen" his face light up at the prospect of food, and I jumped off my bed to follow him out, remembering to check for my key as I went.
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I just stood there, jaw dropped ogling at him "You.. lived in Australia, you were in a band, you like metal... back up what?"
Okay, I'm popular and can keep my cool... usually but right now its flown from the window.
He stood before me, rubbing his arm and I realised how judgmental I probably sounded by questioning metal and stuff.
"Urm, yeah, I used to be really popular, made a band and well even though most the girls already liked me they practically threw themselves at me... then I stopped it all and created a screamo band an' everyone freaked out, a lot of my friends kinda' just left me, an' I was kinda' pushed out."
"That's fucking crap." I mentioned, pretty pissed with his friends, I mean like he's a living legend.
"Ah screw it, I can still rock a party, get invited to that stuff, still get some girls if I want, just close friends... nah." He smiled his awesome smile back, and I felt so comfortable with him. And although he didn't know it, finding someone with the same music taste made me feel more confident than I was before.
We watched each other and took in the surroundings for a few moments, but restlessness bubbled in me and I needed to do something desperately. It felt so weird sitting here knowing only one person, so uncomfortable. I wedged my feet back into the shoes I had taken off, and flicked my head towards Oliver. "You wanna come with?" I asked swiftly, he nodded and rose to his feet. I think we were both feeling the pressure to get out.
"Hopefully less people will abandon me if they don't know about my band." He muttered glumly. I turned and patted him on the back.
"It'll be okay, those guys are dicks, besides metal's my favourite genre. Now lets hit the canteen I haven't eaten since last night because i left too early for breakfast, got here too last for lunch."
"It seems so quiet here," Alex mused, his voice trying to mask the tranquility he felt with an causal expression
"I know, it was so scary earlier, and now it is so peaceful..."
"I wonder if it is going the be that peaceful in the canteen though," odds are, it probably wouldn't be. We'd probably walk in there and I'd have a panic attack because of the about of people and then I would look like an idiot again. I should be used to this feeling - idiocy - because it is one I live with everyday, closely followed by shame.
Like usual I allowed the conversation to die out, like I do with everyone I speak to, with my head falling to look down at my feet as they skimmed across the floor, effectively shuffling. Apparently you can tell a lot about a person by the way they walk; I wonder what it says about me. Supposedly it is the way you walk and where you look that can tell someone what class and how confident you are, so I am guessing mine would be screaming out how insecure I am and the lack of confidence I hold, which is just perfect. Anybody would be able to tell I am the easiest target from a mile off and I wouldn't be able to stop them.
"Hey, come on, I think I found the canteen," Alex's voice chirped up and he grabbed my arm, pulling me forward as he ran, not willing to leave me behind. My cheeks started to warm at the intimacy of it because we had only just met, and yet it felt as though we were already best friends. He pulls me to a table not too far from the door, and I take a look around, only to see that no one else from our year had ventured down here yet. By the looks of things the only other students were at least a couple years older than us, so I squished down into a seat and pulled my sleeves down lower, covering my hands. It had become a habitual stress relief system I had adopted, and even though I was skeptical it worked, I wasn't willing to test that theory out, and so I kept the sleeves wrapped tightly in my hands as I looked up to see what food there was to order. Probably not big meals, but right now that wasn't what I needed.
The lights above shone brighter and I snapped back out of my worrying thoughts as I saw the corridor open into the vast room, filled with rows and rows of four seating tables. A small stainless steel canteen lay hidden behind a few doors, I guess there was some reason to this, but i wasn't too sure of it exactly.
"Oi, Kell'n you gonna get some grub?" Oli pushed, and we turned on our heels a sharp right, before delving into the hot and humid canteen. We each took a plate, placing them on sticky brown trays and moving steadily through the line. A dinner lady noticed us and ladled a large scoop of what I hoped to be chili. We had been assigned food cards, so the meals were scanned onto the system, (Oli's tray sporting a rather stodgy looking pizza and a cake with a side of cream.) and moved idly through the mainly empty room.
The boy I noticed earlier, with skinny jeans I'd die for and long brown hair sat on a table off the the middle left with another boy I was not familiar with. Then again I wasn't familiar with anyone yet... but I would make that change soon enough. He was actually a good looking guy, though he looked even more shy and frail than Oli, and behind the mask Oli wore I could see a fair amount of cracks. I wish I understood their struggle.
His hair trailed over his face, shakily, his lips trembling slightly as he tucked away into his undefinable meal. He really was cute, and I was sure he wouldn't struggle fitting in...
"'Ey, stop watching that guy, it's wiggin' me out!" Oli blurts, sucking me back into the reality, which hurtles around me fast. I couldn't even explain to myself, let alone Oliver, why I was watching him. He was interesting. That was it.
"Sorry, I was spaced out." I murmured, stuffing myself into a seat opposite the one he's already plonked himself in.
"I noticed, you okay?"
"Yeah, just a little heated." I went dug into my food just as he took out his phone and typed angrily onto it, before throwing it on the table with a bang, making me jump.
"Fuckin' bitch!" I raised my eye brows questioningly. "That was Katelyn. She left me, because she got drunk last night and fucked James, says he's so much better. Ah well, he'll get crap when he gets onto drugs too."
"Drugs?"
"Ugh... I said too much, didn't I...."
My eyes fell down to my plate, covered in something that I wasn't quite sure what it was; Alex had gotten up to get my food and all I did was get up and pay with my card they gave us. I think he knew I was feeling too anxious to actually order anything today. He tried to hold a light conversation, but it was hard for me to keep up, and I'm pretty sure he is going to hate me for leaving him to all the talking. I opened my mouth to speak but when no words came out I hastily shoveled another forkful of food (which I think could be some sort of curry) into my mouth, as a casual attempt to hide the shaking hands and failed attempt of communication.
"Oi, I think you got an admirer" Alex chuckled, his voice low, causing me to look up and follow his eyes to the smaller boy who had walked in. "He was just looking at you earlier, but I don't think he realised I noticed" for a moment I sat, dumbfounded. Of what interest could I be to him - to anybody, even. My breathing hitched once again, like it so often did,
"Do... Do you think he will have something against me?" it hurt to speak again because my fear was rising. I haven't even been here a day and I have made an enemy. There goes my chance of fitting in. Away into the sky beyond the clouds.
"No, he hasn't even met you, don't be silly." but now it didn't matter what Alex said because my head was already two steps ahead of him. Now it didn't matter what I did, people were going to find a way to pick on me because if one person already thinks I am weird, well everyone was going to. It's a shame though, he actually looked nice, and approachable; like someone I would hang out with if I could get over my god damn social awkwardness.
"Shit, Shoulda brought a spoon." He murmured, chuckling slightly, and he lifted his thin body off the seat, although it seemed it took a lot of his strength. He walked, shoulders bunched, back to the canteen.
I was happy sat in the silence, my mind began to trail off again, sometimes it went to my ex... not that it worried me, we were in the past, and I never did like her much anyway. Then it clouded, rolling... no crashing onto the thoughts of the last party I was at. Where that beautiful brunette stood, with full red lips, and a full bottle of vodka. Yeah the vodka was always going to be the more enticing thing. I drank the whole bottle, even though my head was already slightly swimming from the alcohol i'd already consumed... and that's all I remember. I was told I ended up sleeping with that girl.. and 3 others. Do I regret that? No, not really. But I regretted the drinking.. Jesus the next morning I thought I had been shot or something.
"Hey, Kid, what ya lookin' at?" He asked, looking concerned.
"Uh.. nothing, just thinking." God, Kellin, you keep losing your cool!
"'Cause you keep staring at that kid."
"The cute one?" Silence fell..... "Uh, I mean the one with dark skin? Dark hair? That one? I don't know why I said cute.."
"Yeah, sure, well he looks kind of upset, like he thinks you 'ate 'him or something. You should like apologise, dude."
"He has nothing to hate you for, and if he does hate you for no reason at all he is a complete jerk so don't take any notice of him," I opened my mouth to protest but I have no idea why; from here it looked as though he was right. Even if he was being nice to that other boy. Maybe they were both feeling the same hatred towards me, but somehow I couldn't believe that the boy he was with felt the same, he looked kind of similar. As though beneath the face he was putting on, there was a fragile person behind it. It was the eyes. It might just be due to my own faults that I can see it, but every time he smiles it never quite reaches his eyes. Maybe that was what people saw with me; it wouldn't surprise me because every front I put up to hide how fragile I felt was never quite strong enough - the cracks still came through loud and clear but more often than not people couldn't care less about me whether I showed my scars or not. No one really cared whether I was broken or dead.
The all too familiar empty feeling made home in my guy, despite only just eating, and I sunk further into my clothes, my sleeves now fully covering my hands as the cloth lay loosely around my body. If there was a way I could shrink away until I simply no longer existed I was definitely trying to find it now. Oh, how I hate social anxiety.
Gingerly, I fumbled with the table edge as I got towards my feet, drawing in deep breaths with every action. I wanted to flee, to just send Oli to apologise. That boy's dark eyes were intimidating me, making me sick to my very core. Taking tentative steps, with him by my side to reassure me, I wondered over. Trying my best not to lose my cool. I had a goddamn reputation to keep, and first day here I've turned into a stumbling, stuttering mess. Wow really doing well here, Kellin. Fucking failure! I was beating myself up, which I don't normally do other small things. But is my reputation small? Why am I breaking over him?
"Uhh, high?" I choke out after arriving. The two guys, one tall, pale skinned, greeny-brown eyes and thin red lips, standing at a standard height... so taller than me. The other guy, however, was the one messing me my head. He was my height, or there abouts, long sweeping brown hair pulled over his face in a make shift fringe. His complexion darker, Hispanic maybe. With big woeful brown eyes and plump light pink lips diluted with a muddy brown. He was actually gorgeous.
"Hey, do you have a problem with him or something!" The taller one boomed, standing up. So, that guy was the defensive protector out the two. Good to know, I guess.
"Urh. A problem? No not at all." I stuttered... again. Blushing vividly red too. is that really what it looked like?
"Well you've been oggling at him for the whole time. It's not very nice."
"Sorry I was in a world of my own, what first day and all." Everyone stared... nothing was said after.
"I think what Kellin meant to say was: He's had a long day and he's just been zoning out. Sorry if any of his behaviour offended you. Please know it was not directed at you." He prodded me in the side with his elbow, nodding forward.
"Urh yeah. And kid, you have amazing skinny jeans!"
The talking was somewhat murmured comments in my head although I heard everything that was said and, as the shorter boy complemented me on my dress sense, a small, sincere smile fleeted across my lips before worry quickly snatched it away.
"Thanks, yours are pretty awesome too," a shaky, breathy laugh rose from my throat, tumbling out over my tongue and through my lips, hanging in the air. Wow, Vic, you find out that he might actually be a nice dude, and you have to go and do something stupid, this is why you always get picked on, you idiot! I was so annoyed at myself, and internally I was smacking my head and begging to take it back and start the conversation all over again, I didn't want to male a fool out of myself on the first day! Embarrassment spread through my body like wildfire and before I was even able to see if he had so much as opened his mouth to reply, I had torn my gaze from his round eyes and straight back to Alex, who was slowly easing back down into his seat, feeling it safe to do so.
Everyone continued to talk, except me. I pulled my phone out from my pocket and began to text. I didn't want to look uncomfortable. 'Hey, babe, you got anything planned this weekend?' Within a matter of seconds I got a reply: 'Nope, none, miss you though. Why?' I explained the party and she agreed to come, along with her cheer leading group. Good, alcohol and hot girls should sort my issues out.
"Oi, Kellin, who you texting?" Oli shouted. Pushing me over slightly.
"No one really, just some girl!" I shout back, laughing and kidding. "Oh yeah I'm Kellin by the way." I held my hand out to each of them, giving them high fives and a quick 'bro' hug as they introduced themselves. Alex first, the quiet kid's protective friend. He seemed genuine enough and pretty happy in my company.
Next was the cute guy... Vic his name turned out to be. As I pulled himself close to me I began to lose my cool again. My head turning into some fangirling mess about a boy I don't even know. My stomach slipped, and I wanted to never let go, i could feel him shaking and closing off. Oh he isn't too comfortable around people. I work out and release him from my hold. Staring down at Victor's face I see him bite him lip again, his eyes dropping from mine to the table. And only then did I truly look over him. I didn't even notice to then he had a thin silver nose ring. It suited him.
The conversation moved back to Oli a lot more, though I could almost feel Vic's eyes flicking back over my face a lot as he remained silent. My phone was going off in my hand, so I excused myself, saying goodbye, and walked out the room to take the call. It wasn't fun, but if I get the chance to wind up my ex (who just called me) I'm taking it. I mean she tried to ruin me... I lost people over her, now she'll learn.
A few moment later, the high pitched girl voice wailed through my phone, stabbing at my ear. I hung up, giving me some time to restore normal hearing, when Oli walked out looking happy. "Can we go back to our room, I wanna rest." he mumbled and we strode away. Though it didn't stop me from looking back to Vic
The taller guy, who turned out to be called Oliver and was a very nice guy, said his goodbyes and excused Kellin (the smaller boy who had freaked me out by staring at me before) even though he had already left the room. Kellin, that's actually a pretty cool name. In all honestly, Kellin himself was pretty awesome and definitely someone I would like to start talking to if it wasn't for my damned social awkwardness!
"Vic, I told you he wouldn't hate you," an 'I told you so' smile lingered on Alex's lips, and I wasn't sure whether my desire to smile with relief about how he was right, or wipe that look off his face was stronger. He hadn't done anything wrong, but man I felt stupid for making such a scene out of something so basic; he must think I am a complete idiot now!
"Thanks, should we head back up now?" I ask, swallowing quickly as though it will boost my confidence "How come you were so calm with me back then when I was freaking out?"
We rose to our feet, and there was a muffled silence between the two of us as we made our way out of the room. Oh god, what have I done? "Can I be honest with you? I... err... I suffer from high anxiety and panic attacks, so I kind of knew that sometimes you just need someone to reassure you" his sentence might as well have been a single word with the speed he spoke at when he finally broke the silence.
"Oh, I am so sorry you have that..." my voice breaking and trailing off as I fought for something more adequate to say "Thank you for helping me though, it means a lot," For some reason my thoughts keep trailing back to Kellin, but I suppose that is just me trying to get over the shock that he actually invited us over to a party instead of putting me into a hospital bed. Maybe he wasn't such a bad guy after all.
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