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King Rakar the Mad

"Who said that? Who called me mad? EXECUTION! EVERYONE IN THIS ROOM!"

0 · 366 views · located in Aldaria

a character in “Infinite Doom: A Dark Lord's Tale”, as played by Alexander von Koopa

Description

Name: King Rakar
Title(s)/Nickname(s): King Badtouch, King of Grabbing Things He Shouldn’t, Rakar the Mad, “Don’t look at him, maybe if we can’t see him, he can’t see us”
Age: 137
Race: Dark Elf
Gender: Male
Appearance: Image
Even by Dark Elf standards Rakar isn’t exactly the prettiest. With dark skin and visible veins, he kind of creeps out anyone who looks at his body, but has a worse effect on those who look at his face. People that do will see he’s missing his left eye and has carved a jack-o-lantern-like smile across his cheeks so he ALWAYS looks happy!
Theme Song: Dear Falling Angel

Personality: The first thing people usually notice about King Rakar is that he’s bat-poo crazy, always thinking of new ways to do very bad things to them. With a hair-trigger temper there are very few things in life that do not set off Rakar on a rant, which quickly leads to a violent rage, which usually leads to death or the praying for thereof. Because of his incredibly violent tendencies he often is locked away in his “palace” for his own safety and the safety of people who come to visit, meaning that he often gets stir-crazy and is happy to see visitors… before quickly becoming unhappy. Mood swings are kind of his thing.

Due to a dream visit from Tentaclia as a child, and dark elf therapists being exceptionally bad at their jobs, his personality split into three pieces to cope with his trauma. The first is what you might expect from a Barbarian King, cold-natured and intelligent, willing to do anything to maintain power. The second is what you might expect from a Dark Elf – hot-headed, bad-tempered, and willing to screw over ANYBODY for a sandwich. Or, if he’s feeling bold, TWO sandwiches. His third personality makes Rakar view himself as Tentaclia in mortal form, and will do anything to spread COMPLETE. GLOBAL. SATURATION. Or PENETRATION. Whatever works at the time. This personality is usually the one “in charge” and is one of the major reasons people prefer to die over being taken captive by dark elves.

Morality: “Morality? What an outdated, RIDICULOUS concept! I am King! I am a GOD! I can do what I please!”
Likes: When he’s allowed to get out of the house, showing people why he’s king, the idea of godhood, sycophants, cats (“Look at them. So fluffy… so inviting… I want one!”), snow (“How precious… how delicate… like a flower!”), people smiling at him (“That’s right! You are so HAPPY to see your king, AREN’T YOU!?”
Dislikes: Elves, sycophants, elves, cats (“DON’T YOU IGNORE ME, CAT! I WILL DESTROY YOU!”), elves, flowers (“Look at you. You stupid little flower, you MOCK ME with your presence! I will show you what happens to flowers who mock their king!”), elves, people smiling at him (“What’s so funny? Do I look AMUSING to you? Do you find me LAUGHABLE?”), elves… we’ll be here a while, folks
Interests/Hobbies: Medical science (mostly an excuse to spread COMPLETE. GLOBAL – okay I’ll stop), dark elf parties (the best kind of party), UGU! (You do not want to know what that is)
Skills: Making sandwiches (but usually he prefers stealing them), origami, (of the non-quest specific nature), is Lord of the Dance (“AND ANYONE WHO SAYS OTHERWISE WILL BE EXECUTED!”)

Armor: Chain mail and a loin cloth, to show off as much of his “beautiful body” as possible. This isn’t exactly what you would call a practical set of armor.
Weapons: A bow, given a name which, translated from the elven tongue, means “orifice finder”, which is kind of odd since it’s the arrows that do the finding. He also carries around a set of daggers and a serrated whip he calls “Ouroboros”. When asked why he named his whip, he killed the asker and said “BECAUSE I AM KING!”, not realizing you should never shoot first and answer questions later.
Items: Whatever he’s given as tribute from dark elf raiders
Abilities: Rakar is an accomplished acrobat and can reach places most other people can’t, especially when using his whip to swing from place to place (though usually he swings back and forth, yelling ‘WHOOSH!’) Though Dark Elves have natural magic he usually can’t focus enough to cast anything meaningful, so his invisibility spells typically only last for a few seconds.
Trinkets: Carries around a little black book full of names of the people who have been taken alive by dark elves.

Family:
Father: Erenad, famed dark elf warrior. Well, not really. He was killed by an arrow to the eye in the first volley of arrows on his first attack on elves. Anyone who brings this up in front of Rakar is stupid.
Mother: Anenut, mother to twelve children, unable to keep any of them straight, probably forgot she even HAD Rakar.
Eleven brothers: All executed so that Anenut could keep them straight and remember who Rakar was. This plan failed.

History: Rakar seemed like he would be a normal Dark Elf – conniving, stealthy, quiet, cheating, the type of person you only realize screwed you over after he already took your stuff. Then one day, he received a dream visit from one of the gods, a sure sign he was meant for something more. Unfortunately, said god was Tentaclia, goddess of penetration. When he woke up screaming in the night and wouldn’t stop through the next several days, his father began to get a bit irritated and took up a soldier job… so that he could have an excuse to send his son away to therapy. Dark elf therapists, being incredibly poor at their jobs, were of no help and sometimes even ignored Rakar in favour of a sandwich.

After leaving one such unfortunate session, Rakar heard in the distance an elf laughing. Technically he was screaming under torture but don’t tell Rakar, because he was convinced that this elf was laughing at him and snapped, vowing vengeance against all elves and swearing he would burn the elflands to the ground and take their stuff. Finding the current dark elf king unfit for the job, he tried to lay siege to the king’s palace. And failed. Thiry-seven times. Finally the king took pity on him and basically said “If you want the job, you can have it.” Since Rakar was known among dark elves to be almost cripplingly insane, he would be the last person they would suspect as being their new, “secret” king, and people that get brought before the king usually get executed or tortured painfully anyway, so it’s not like THEY could spoil everything. Rakar’s new advisors, though, knew that most of his kingly orders would involve laying siege to elf lands, so they keep him hidden away and don’t give him too many details about whether or not his actual people are doing fine. Which, while certainly a short-term plan, is probably going to suck in the long-term, when Rakar’s insanity finally spreads to other dark elves… But hey, what’s the worst that could happe- don’t answer that. He might execute you.

So begins...

King Rakar the Mad's Story

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The Noppun Mountains were well known for two things - Dark Elf barbarians, and Red Goblin barbarians. All in all not a fun place to bring the kids. Unless you hated them, and in that case, by all means leave the kids to the stellar day-care centers that Dark Elves provide (disclaimer: Dark Elves do not have day-care centers). But perhaps the strangest thing of all - even amongst barbarians, there is one they call king, one they have determined is the only one smart, strong, and daring enough to lead them.

Unfortunately they kind of forgot what he looks like over the years, and it's a good thing, too, because otherwise no one would believe that the raging psychopath locked away in the palace (really just the fanciest shack the Dark Elves have) was king. He was, technically, due to the last king finally having enough of his shenanigans and making him king so he'd stop and move on to other, more productive shenanigans. The current shenanigans of this barbarian king had to do with the interrogation of an elf scout who was caught stealing supplies.

She was doing nothing of the sort, of course, but the captain of the guard, who ordered her capture, knew that the king would grow bored if he didn't have SOMEONE to interrogate, and besides, interrogations, such as they were, never took long anyway. Shivering in the rags she was left with, the elf scout began to tell her tale, hoping for mercy from the king. She was new around these areas and didn't know he never gave any. That was kind of his deal.

"Oh, great king," said the elf, a tremble in her voice. "I meant no disrespect being near your most sacred mountains. My grandmother, who is incredibly lucky to live within a few miles of your territory, was sick, and I was taking her food and medicine, and..."

The elf looked up and her tone suddenly changed to that of panic.

"OH SWEET MENSTREAS, WHAT IS THAT?" she shouted out.

King Rakar of the Dark Elves was certainly the type who would provoke this reaction. No picture of beauty, he had ash-grey skin, darker than that of the usual Dark Elf, visible veins along his body, a crooked grin carved across his face that clashed terribly with the frown he was currently wearing, and a missing left eye, which people cannot think about without shuddering and wondering where it went. The king stood up from his "throne" (really a three-legged stool, hell for his balance) and walked over to the elf, grabbing her below her chin.

"I'm sorry," said Rakar. "I'm afraid I didn't catch that. You'll have to speak up, and do it more precisely! LOOK ME IN MY GOOD EYE, AND TELL ME I AM PRETTY!"

Rakar pressed his face against the scout, staring at her with his one good eye, and listened to her whimper in terror. The guards outside, forbidden to enter and look upon the face of the king (the last guy who tried is hanging outside. And inside. And in a different building. And scattered around the mountains. And... well, Rakar was creative), ignore the noise coming from inside - they've honestly heard worse.

"SAY IT!" spat Rakar, to get his point across.

"YOU'RE PRETTY!" said the elf scout, eager to get out of the situation as quickly as she could.

"LIAR!" said Rakar, drawing a dagger and plunging it into the elf's bosom.

The elf gasped for breath and collapsed to the ground, choking on blood.

"Thoughtless, mewling QUIM!" shouted Rakar. "You DARE try to flatter ME? I AM KING! You are nothing but an elf, unfit to lick your own blood from off my boots! Come to think of it... you won't be doing much licking any time soon! GUARDS!"

The guards didn't enter even when called, not wanting to disturb their ruler or risk breaking a rule and losing their internal organs. Instead, they waited for the elf to crawl her way out of the palace, prodded by Rakar kicking her a whole bunch, before grabbing her and hoisting her up to a standing position.

"TAKE HER TO THE TONGUE PUNISHMENT ROOM!" said Rakar. "SHOW HER WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU LIE TO THE KING!"

The guards quickly marched off, dragging the elf with them. The Dark Elves didn't actually HAVE a Tongue Punishment Room, but they found it was better to entertain their king, lest the mad "guard dog" with the messed-up face go after him. Besides, if they weren't even allowed to see the king, and could only theorize as to how magnificent he looked, they had no chance begging for their lives if they were to offend him by not following orders immediately. Even if those orders couldn't be done yet.

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Rakar, after sentencing the elf to painful torture and probably eventual death, thought about what to do next. There weren't any other elves in the immediate area, so making them watch was out. He didn't have any kittens around to play with, which was quite unfortunate, because the last thirty or so were great fun while they lasted. And no one had broken any of his laws... YET... So there wasn't any punishment to be dealt...

Wait... A grand idea occured! One that could solve all of those problems at once! The barbarian hordes hadn't raided the Elflands... this week! That's FAR too long for those miserable elves to go unpunished! If the Elflands were to be raided and all their cats stolen, then there would be PLENTY of cats available to play with Rakar! Plus he could make up some law about how raiding is supposed to be done and punish someone retroactively for not following it, because that's sure to make him popular as a king.

And so he went into his private quarters to think on his latest kingly decree. And go Number 2. He REALLY needed to go Number 2.

Yes, toilet humor is what the grand king of the Dark Elves is reduced to without cats around. You can see why this matters to him.