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Alexander Valentine

This is what happens when you misread a passage from the Necrocomicon.

0 · 236 views · located in The City

a character in “Look on the Bright Side”, as played by Rincewind

Description

Image

Personality

Alexander is suave.Suave as a motherfucker.When Alexander and The one who has a thousand names in which only one is pronounceable in a blue moon while drenched in the blood of a virgin goat (or Steve to his friends) their various traits were taken apart and then mashed together to create an entirely new personality.This personality combined the disgustingly good Alexander with the horrifyingly evil Steve to create the smoothest guy you'd ever seen.He gained Steve's confidence,strength,infernal ability and ass kicking powers while losing his acne and general assholism.The strange combination of Evil and somewhat good brought out a completely neutral creature,someone who cares about numero uno first and then everyone else at a far far second.Nearly everything he does is a way to ensure he comes out on top but he's not completely entirely heartless and if he sees someone whose story can tug at his nonexistent heartstrings well enough he might help,for a price.

History

Once upon a time,in a land far far away (Cleveland) there was a young acned scarred satanist by the name of Alexander.He was a pansy.He never smoked,never drank,helped old ladies across the street,etc.He just happened to be a satanist.His parents didn't know about his strange tendency to worship Lucifer and if everything had gone correctly they would never have known.You see,back in the 1990s some guy got a hold of the original Necrocomicon and in order to facilitate madness and chaos in a better way he photocopied the pages and sent the copies all over the world.One of them ended up on E-bay,$666 plus shipping.Alexander could not buy it fast enough.Once bought it spent a few weeks in his attic,attracting mice (and forcing them to commit ritual suicide) but otherwise simply lounging around with no one to worship it.Then on one stereotypically dark and stormy night the Satanism club came together for their bi-annual statewide convergence.Alexander decided to show off and bring his vintage Necrocomicon


There were oohs and ahhs aplenty about having such an esteemed piece of literature in the hands of one so young (He was seventeen) but there's always some jackass at the back of the part who doesn't believe you.Of course when that jackass starts making some sense and garners a few supporters summoning Beelzebub is the only sure way of shutting him the fuck up.So Alexander tried to summon Beelzebub.He failed.Miserably.Like........fucking horrible failure.Biggest fire in Ohio's history.Though to be fair,it did make Cleveland a bit better looking,and it also created a minor version of Legion.Alexander's summoning had gone a bit wrong and he had just happened to summon a demon called The one who has a thousand names in which only one is pronounceable in a blue moon while drenched in the blood of a virgin goat,it used him as a vessel.The demon and him fought for control of his brain for a little while before the decay of wills began.Two weeks of running around the charred landscape of Ohio until neither of them could fight anymore and their minds just sort of...melted together.After the original bout of confusion and nausea,though it could have been just because they were in Cleveland,The new and improved Alexander decided that he was going to steal some cash from his parents and get the hell out of there.

The city was fun,he set up a coffee shop called "Coffee of Doom" and had a small shrine to Satan erected inside one of the coffee dispensers.He's currently dealing in magical artifacts and even though he doesn't explicitly advertise the fact he'll sell them to anyone with enough money and a death wish.


Have I made it clear that I hate Ohio?















Fucking Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate Ohio.Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate.

So begins...

Alexander Valentine's Story