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Bani

Using a cliched quote: Life is about creating, not finding ourselves.

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a character in “Random Bits of Thoughts”, as played by Bani

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Bani

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Personality- Umm, I hope I'm not supposed to be terribly objective here, because I don't think I can. I'll try my best, though!
Of course, you probably won't find many flaws in the following analysis of myself, but that's really my own fault. I've tried my best to be completely unbiased, but I don't know if I managed to achieve my aim or not.

I'm kind of contradictory, and apparently I go through extreme mood swings. One moment I am hyper, the next I am calm and mature. I can be short-tempered, collected, emotional, logical, romantic, cynical, crybaby, mature, maternal, childish, depending on my current frame of mind. But I usually am not rude. Curt, but not outright rude - at least, that's what I believe.

I don't generally feel things very intensely, I don't remember crying since I was 10, but I am often moved to tears while listening to music/ reading a book/ watching a movie. Which is weird, really, since it would seem they provoke more emotion in me than my 'friends'. A reason I don't have many, but I think I would rather be alone than with people whose only topics of discussion seem to be boyfriends/love, jewelry, make-up and syllabus. Not that there's anything wrong with those, but it gets a little tiresome after a while. And even those who don't discuss about it, mostly just 'stand out' to serve their own 'cool' images, at least in my school and sphere of contact, so I tend to be a loner and anti-social.

I have a little voice in my head - one that proves to be quite annoying at times - that always observes my actions from a distant corner of my head, trying to nitpick my reactions and label them. Its very distracting, especially when I am trying to blend in somewhat - an attempt I've long given up.

I tend to go through a lot of depressed moods, but whats funny is that I don't ever go through a depression where I'm 'My life is ruined.' Sometimes it simply feels good to wallow in self-pity for five minutes before standing up and being a man (or in my case, woman) again.

Of course, I'm a terrible friend, sister and daughter. I think it stems from my need to be independent of others' influences - which is kinda hard to do since I'm, in short, a pushover. I can't say no to people easily face to face, but I am improving. I tend to shirk commitments and apparently never show them emotions strong enough for their liking. People think I'm trying to escape from my responsibilities ( maybe they don't get the part where I actually like to be alone and in peace, since the people I know typically can't seem to understand how to enjoy a comfortable silence, or how to listen at times, instead of spilling their whole life story - wow, am I being a little hypocritical here?^^" ), but the reality is I seriously don't care about most of the things that people feel so deeply about. I'm not sure if that's a short-coming or a blessing, I think its a bit of both, but I digress.

I'm usually lazy, but sometimes I get this craving for work, and I manage to do a Herculean amount of task in a ridiculously little amount of time, not stopping or feeling anything till I'm done, and then I collapse and laze around for days. Its the same with everything, really. What I do of my own will, I do with enough zeal to put your regular fanatics to shame. What I don't, I don't (studying, for example!)

Also, apparently I hat being ordered or being told to do to such an extent that the same books I stay up all night to finish suddenly become untouchable once I hear they are going to be there in the syllabus. I also absolutely can't make myself do something I hate.



Background Information- Not really much to say here, I'm only 17, after all!
I'm from India. From West Bengal, and let me tell you something, you can't live in West Bengal and wish for a bit of peace and quiet. There's always a bunch of curious 'family' (most of who back-stab you, but they're still family, see?) taking apart your every action. Yes, it is annoying. But for the sake of my mother, I can't say anything out loud, so I just bear with it. This has made me a good actress, adept at hiding my feelings. I should be grateful for that, right?

For the most part I can't decide if I have the best Mother or the worst one. She's very friendly and we're alike, but she has this obsession with studies. I, as I already believe I said, don't particularly like studying a bunch of things without being explained to exactly why we need to. I know, college and jobs : but what about the rest of the stuff? At any rate, so my mom is obsessed with me getting good scores - even though I'm an A+ student, and my father ... well, he is, too.

(Sense a trend here? Too many expectations = me running in the exact opposite direction. You'd think they would have gotten it by now, but che.)

I remember going through a lot of bullying and as a child, they must have influenced me somewhat because the age of years 5-10 are an almost complete blank in my mind. I also have this insane eye problem which made my father almost give up on me. Now that I'm grown up and can do my own things he seems to have settled down, but for that exact reason I have certain father issues. That was also the period I learned to trust people just enough so they aren't hurt, and hide myself enough so I'm not hurt, either.

I don't think I've had any best friends - even though people have often proclaimed to be mine and I've gone along with them just because I can't tell them that they're really not - till the later parts of 2011, when I met one of the most wonderful people and became best friends with her. Even then, some of the people have somehow ended up as 'friends' - I usually don't open up to anyone but my bestie, but apparently I'm great at advice and comforting - which would be ironic, since I never give my ownself good advice.

If you made it this far, you get a virtual cookie/ wafer/ cup of tea/ lemonade/ whatever it is you want! And on that note, I'll end my ramblings here, because this is right about long enough to make you want to exit the window and regret clicking on my profile forever ^^''''

So begins...

Bani's Story