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She knew exactly where It was. It was in the wooden jewelry box her father had made her before he died, tucked away in the very back of the closet among boxes that kept happy memories of a healthy father, a happy brother, and a sober mother away. It had been taunting her for years- six years, to be exact- like the voice of a mother calling for her lost child, calling for her. She could remember all the times she had been so close to ending it all. Holding It tightly in her shaking hands, sobbing and in pain from either the most recent beating or binge.
But It still remained tucked away in the jewelry box that has never held jewelry. And right now, as she sat on her stained mattress in her barren room with claw marks and blood stains on the wood floor, she was so desperate at that moment that she wanted- no, she needed to dig it out of Its hiding place and put a bullet through her brain. Trembling, she stood, with tears welling up in her lost green eyes. It took her only moments to pull the gun out from Its hiding spot and load it. She stared at herself in the mirror on her wall with desperation.
A girl with long blonde curls and pale white skin stared at her with lost green eyes that were almost painful to look at. Her body was sickly thin and her hollow cheeks were streaked with tears. There was a scar under her left eye and her nose looked crooked- like it had been broken but never properly healed. And she held the barrel of a gun to her temple. Letting out a shaky breath, she let her eyes flutter closed and prepared to pull the trigger.
Then a door slammed open down stairs. "Hannah!" someone yelled with a drunken slur. Her eyes shot open as panic rushed through her veins and fear clenched her heart. Oh no...
She slammed closed the door and belted up the stairs crying. The door to her so called room was open. Tear streaked and red nosed she walked into the dark and grey room. One of her shitty brothers was going through her closet. "Get outta here you little shitty brat!" she yelled at him. He flipped her off and left with a bunch of her clothes. I hate my damn life. She thought. Her foster mother came in high. "Quit yelling Mo! Or do you want me to cut you!" she said sternly. Margo stayed silent and looked at the ground knowing it was rude to backtalk to her foster mother. The last time she tried she was locked in the basement with the neighbors pitbull. After her foster mother left she climbed out on the roof and watched the cars down the street.
It wasnât even his fault.
Or was it? It really depended on your perspective. It dawned on him that it was his house, and he shouldâve kicked her out instead of running out the door, but heâd look stupid if he went back now. Honestly, it wasnât even a big deal. She didnât react any different than he expected. He knew he was just going to be disappointed, so why was he so upset? Maybe because she not only failed him, but turned on him like he was such a terrible person. Maybe that was it. He didnât like being told how he was just a nobody the world wouldnât even remember if he ever disappeared.
Maybe he shouldnât have called her a fake backstabbing bitch. Was that too harsh after everything else he said? No. She deserved it. She deserved any hell he gave her. Why? Because she made him feel even emptier, lonelier, and even more unloved. He should have known better. No one would ever love him or fill the void he had, so why did he even try? Why âfallâ for girls just to have them do shit like this? If everything was just going to be one sided, or not even be love at all, why did he continue on?
He didnât even know. All he knew was his terrible mood. It was some mix of anger, bitterness, utter sorrow, and a feeling of stupidity. He would be cruel to her. So cruel to her and her new guy. How dare she cheat on him and then peg him as the problem. Maybe he was the problemâbut he wasnât going to take responsibility. He would make her life miserable until he felt better. God, he wanted to feel better. He wished he was in class, where he could find someone to tease. That would make him feel better. It would take the edge off this pain, causing someone else irritation. It was like a baton that needed to be passed on.
Of course, this wasnât school. There was no one. He kept running and running through the rain, unsure where he would end up.
Or just surviving like Charlie was, as his dad had told him half an hour ago.
Charlie liked to visit his father every month or two, just to check in and see if he was any better than the last time. He still had the same philosophy as when Charlie was twelve, that they needed to be saved and Arsenic was the only solution. He should stop visiting, every time he went he only felt worse about himself. His father loved him unconditionally, but all he saw was every flaw that sprouted after he was twelve. The drugs, the sex, the irritable mood he was always in once he was there. These were all noted by his father and blamed on his mother for not letting him do what was right.
What if his mother hadn't walked in? Would he be better off? He wouldn't have almost any regrets.
The brunette tilted his head back over the edge of the wooden bench, eyes shut as the rain pelted and refreshed his skin. He felt euphoric as the droplets hit his skin, sparking the despondent teenager to life for this short while. Lightning struck over head, making him open his eyes. The light was so bright, like magnesium! So quick, if he'd blinked he would've missed it, like gunfire! The rain came down harder, soaking his favorite jacket and pressing it to his skin. The cold settled in, but he found it refreshing, even the river of water that chilled his feet.
Suddenly, he was giggling uncontrollably, uncertain as of why after just a few moments. Another flash of lighting and he was leaned forward, holding his stomach to prevent himself from laughing too hard.
Right now he was trying his hardest not to focus on his father's conversation earlier, thinking about these different little things. He honestly wishes he could feel this way forever, but he could tell the drug was slowly slipping out of his system. He got to his feet, mind completely blank. Was there anything to do but just go home? No, so he wandered in that direction, occassionally stopping to stick his tongue out and catch the rain or wait for a lightning strike, which didn't take long.
He missed this feeling through 80% of his day, he was going to revel in this feeling.
Her breathing became shallow as her heartbeat became so deafening she could barely hear her mother's drunken footsteps on the stairs, nearing her. She went numb, mentally and physically, as fear that no sixteen year old should ever be acquainted with came over her. Blindly, Hannah shoved the gun into her backpack and slung it over her shoulder. Heavy footsteps echoed down the empty hallway as she turned towards the window. She rushed at it, unlocking it and shoving it upwards with all her might. It didn't budge.
"Hannah! Little bitch, answer me!" her mother's drunken slur came from the hall way. Hannah continued to push at the window with all the strength she could muster. A loud bang on her door caused her to jump- and shove the window up half way. Silently, she thanked whatever force had just helped her and continued to push at the window as her fear continued to rise. "Are you in there?" her mother screams from the other side of the door. The window slides up again, just another good push and she could fit through. "If you're in there you little whore, you better fucking answer me or I'll cut you up so much your body won't be recognizable if it ever heals!" she threatens. The window slid up, completely open now.
"Hallelujah!" Hannah cried at an audible tone, and then she froze. Oh no! Her door flew open and a scream left Hannah's mouth as her mother lunged at her with an insane speed. Her mother's hand latched onto her ankle and dragged her down to the floor violently. Her head hit the floor and black spots danced in her vision as she clawed at the floor, fighting her drunken mother like she had so many times before. As her mother cackled at her struggling, Hannah managed to land a kick to her stomach and break free from her grasp when she doubled over in pain. Her mother recovered quickly though, and when she stood up, she held a kitchen knife in her hand.
Dad died because the doctors couldn't save him. Marcus died because the voices in his head drove him to desperation. I'm going to die because I wanted to, not because I couldn't fight off my drunken bitch of a mother. she thought sternly.
Her mother lunged forward and she dodged, the knife missing its target of her neck and instead carving an insanely deep and painful gash in her left forearm. Hannah screamed in pain and anger, lunging at her mother. The knife's blade dug into her cheek as she tackled her mother to the floor, banging her head against the wood flooring again and again until her eyes rolled back into her head and she went limp. Hannah's breathing was shallow and weak as she checked and noted that her mother had a pulse. She may be a bitch who deserved to rot in hell, but Hannah refused to become a murderer.
Quickly, she moved to the window and jumped out, latching onto the tree outside and slowly climbing down to the ground. The rain soaked her to the bone within seconds, making her wounds burn painfully. She ignored the feeling of her warm and sticky blood trickling down her face and coating her arm as she ran madly through the rain. Blindly, she turned a corner and ran right into a wall. Crying out in pain as she landed on her cut arm, Hannah fell into the deserted street and the gun slid out of her unzipped back pack.
That's when she heard it. An inaudible voice. A new round of fear rushed over her as she looked up, her form trembling from the panic and the cold of the rain as everything slowly started spinning from the blood loss. And then she saw the eyes. Two, beautiful, olive green eyes.
"Fuck."
He ran, and ran, and ran. The rain continued to attack him, cold projectiles stinging his skin, joining with burning muscles and straining lungs and irritated heart to create one big hell of hurt. Just keep going. He wouldnât stop until the pain hit him like a fist to the chest. Even then, heâd still continue. Thatâs what he told himself. Because running was all he could do to forget. One foot after the other until he couldnât even move. He just had to keep going.
Then it hit him.
He fumbled back slightly, but caught his balance. âWhat the fuck?â he breathed, as befuddlement crossed his features. He alleged he wouldnât stop if pain slapped him bitterly, and it didâhe felt like he had really just been hitâbut clearly that wasnât the case. His entire mind seemed to halt as he heard a cry of pain. WHAT? In a moment, his head scanned the surrounding area, landing on a small blonde dame in the sprawled out in the street. Bloody trails streaked down her face, along with a substantial pool on her arm. His eyes took in the entirety of her trembling frame, until finally, his gaze met hers. He was taken aback when her lips uttered an annoyed curse. It was hard to see her in the rain, but he knew that voice by heart.
Hannah.
Hannah? A bloody Hannah? He was confused as hell. But, tearing his eyes away, for clearly she abhorred him and wouldnât want his mug in her gaze, he glanced at the other object beside her. A backpack lay open on the pavement, a dark object a foot or so away. He squinted, trying to make out the dark figure. It was a handgun. Furling his brows, he tried to connect two and two together. Bloody Hannah running in rain, pistol in her backpack. Oh, he tried, but he couldnât quite figure out a logical explanation.
His throat cleared, and he slowly crouched down where he stood. âSo, what? Are you such a god damn clutz you cut yourself cooking or something?â Why not ask her if sheâs okay, idiot. âAnd whatâs with the gun? Iâm sure you couldnât shoot straight worth a damn. A child like you. Are you⊠okay?â His lips pressed together in a grim line. Oh, yeah. He was so smooth. Not. Way to go, doing this when sheâs freaking shredded in the rain. Hey, wouldnât the rain make you lose more blood? is she seriously okay? She isn't gonna pass out or something, is she? God⊠âWhat did you do, anyway?â
It takes a moment for Jason's words to register in her brain. All she can do is stare at the gun in between them both. It was her father's. Then it was Marcus's. Now it was hers. She made a rash decision and hastily snatched up the gun before standing up in front of Jason with a weak and trembling form. His beautiful eyes widened as she raised the handgun to her temple with a trembling and bloody hand.
"There hasn't been food in my house for over three years, so no I did not cut myself cooking. The gun is for the suicide I'm about to commit, and I think I can shoot pretty straight from close range. And I'm not a child!" she hissed, stamping her foot and contradicting herself unconsciously. "And no, for your goddamn information I am not okay!" she didn't know what she was doing. One of the few promises she'd made to herself was to never tell anyone- dead or alive- about her life. But now here she was, face to face with the one boy that had been the cause of immense confusion, pain, and even heartbreak in her life.
"My father and brother are dead, my mother's an alcoholic from hell determined to kill me, and you are some sort of douche bag that doesn't know when to fuck off- or at least be a little fucking nice to someone! God, I'm sorta glad it was you I ran into! I hope this makes you feel guilty, Jason Meth!" Hannah yelled, her tears mixing with the rain as she made to pull the trigger. But, before she fire her world spun and her knees gave out.
And then she passed out.
Listening to her troubles made him feel like an asshole. Even more than usual. There was a random thought thrown in with his panic, the fact it was really cute how she said she wasn't a child yet threw a little stomping tantrum, but the thought disappeared. Now was NOT the time.
She said she hoped it made him feel guilty, and it did. Like the burning flames of hell it did. He would probably get chewed out by god now and sent to hell for murder. Then all the demons would hate him just like everyone on earth, and heâd be even more alone. Heâd be alone because he was a worthless piece of shit that nobody liked. Understandably, too⊠he wasn't worthy of anyoneâs love. It hurt him so badâbecause no matter what, he knew heâd never be good enough. And this, this, proved it. He should be the one with a gun to his head. He held a hand out to her,
âHannah stoââ
It was too late. Or, it would have been, had she not passed out. Oh, god, he dodged a bullet there. Well, she did, technically. Though, he did too. Lord knows he probably would've killed himself if she had lost her because of him. Hyperventilating, he ran a hand through his hair and prepared to stoop down and get the gun and pick her up. However, he was stopped when another girl came out screaming like a lunatic. She was saying something about seeing something and it coming to get her. Then, much to his increased horror, she threatened to kill Hannah and lunged towards her.
He immediately put his own self in her path, wrapping his strong arms around her in an odd hug with an ulterior motive of restraining her. âShh,â he said, not really knowing what else to do. He needed to call for help for Hannah, but there was this crazy chick. What do you say to a crazy chick? That was a hard enough question to answer as it was, but now he had to talk and be nice like a normal person. No more teasing, if he could help it. He made a silent promise to try not to harass Hannah anymore. âItâs⊠Itâs okay, nothing is coming to get you. Um...I promise⊠okay? Iâll, um, protect youâŠ?â It was a long shot, he thought⊠but, still worth a shot, right?
âShe doesnât want to die,â he lied, âIt was a...mistake. She wasnât thinking properly, but, uh, thank you for offering to help her⊠er⊠die. That was, um, kind of youâŠâ Nodding purposefully, as though he meant every word, he continued on to bite his lip and cautiously release her. âHey, uh, you asked if we needed help a minute ago, right?â Swiftly, before the crazy girl could do anything if she planned to, he picked up Hannah before scanning for the nearest dry place. âCan you call 911? I donât have a phone on me. She needs an ambulanceânow.â
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"Their on their way, is that a GUN!?" She a asked him with the darkness returning. Take it! You need it! Kill her NOW!!! she thought to herself as the sirens came nearer.
The ambulance came pretty quickly, and they took Hannah from him and put her on the stretcher in the back of the blaring vehicle and they buzzed all around her and took off. It was almost as though he were only half aware of everything. Part of him wanted to get in the ambulance and go with her. But he knew he didnât have any right. No right at all. Oh, but her mom wouldnât be there for herâwould she? No. Hannah said her mom wanted to kill her.
The other girl asked about the gun. OHâSHIT. The gun. Distract her, or sheâll fucking murder you and Hannah. âA gun? Oh, yeah. HeyâThank you so much for your help. I donât know what I wouldâve done without you⊠Iâm, um, Jason. Whatâs your name? You know, you⊠you seem like a very nice person. We should be friends. Is that a British accent? Are you an exchange student or did you just move here or what?â He managed a weak smile.
His mind went on this seemingly long tangent, though in reality it lasted only thirty or so seconds. Well, he should call CPS on her mother; get Hannah to a safe place. But that could be traumatic for her. Heyâshe already hate him, so what does it matter? It would be for the best. Oh, but the Kellyâs were looking for another teenager, werenât they? She could end up living with him. Oh, god. She would hate that. He wouldnât, but it would be awkward, and she would hate it. Oh, screw it. Heâd figure it out later if she didnât die.
As the ambulance sped off, he stood there in the rain with the other girl. Crapâheâd been tuning her out. Becoming aware again, he listened to what she had left to say, thenâsuddenly, he interjected. âShe could die,â he said, more to himself. That trumped any right he did or didnât have. âIâm going to the hospital. She doesnât have anyone else⊠Would you like to come with me? I can give you a ride on my motorcycle, since youâre already wet⊠You did help her, so⊠yeah.â
She stood there in the rain studying him as he spoke this. Listening to the pitch in his voice go higher and lower. He was doing what all the others did...
It was back in her childhood. At the park she was alone unwanted and didn't care. A little boy came up to her and asked if she wanted to play. "Okay..." She told the little boy. He brought her to a bunch of other kids. They started playing hide and seek when she went crazy. She told them that if they found her she would kill them. The voices in her head told her to not to hide. The other children became scared of her as she talked to the voices. As she was growing up the others would tease her, but later on as they all started growing up they would taunt her and bully her. Soon they would start bullying her violently. By high school she was not safe. They all started whispering and trying to distract her from what she was asking and trying to calm her down.
She came back to the real world and glared at Jason. "Stop it! Quit trying to calm me down and distract me! Like the others!" Tears started to form in her eyes. "You can't help me, no one can and no one ever will!" She yelled over the rain and fell to her knees.
âShe could die,â He interrupted. She looked up at him and bit her lip. âIâm going to the hospital. She doesnât have anyone else⊠Would you like to come with me? I can give you a ride on my motorcycle, since youâre already wet⊠You did help her, so⊠yeah.â Jason told her.
"Okay..." She said wiping away at her tear streaked face. It didn't matter because it was already raining. The blonde haired girl looked up at him and nodded. "I'm Margo."
Or thatâs what he thought.
As she fell to her knees and glared at him, going of in a miniature speech in the rain, he realized just how wrong he was. Believe it or not, she did know what he thought. It kind of made sense⊠everyone probably DID treat her like that. They probably all acted in their prejudice and everything, just like he did. Man, he just couldnât winâcould he? No matter what, he just upset people. Thatâs all the bastard could do. Resolving to somehow do better, he extended a hand to the psycâer, he extended a hand to help Margo.
âWell, um. Thatâs a really interesting name. Margo? It kind of reminds me of mango, which puts me in mind of warm places and beeches and summer and stuff⊠paradise, I guess? YeahâŠI like it. Itâs really unique,â carefully helping her up, he managed a somewhat guilty smile. âIâmâŠreally sorry. For treating you like that and beinâ insincere, I mean⊠That wasnât cool⊠Iâm just, um, honestly not the best talker and everything. Iâll try my best to let you freak out if you need to, and treat you like a normal person, okay? But youâre probably right about me not being able to help you⊠Like I said, Iâm a pretty lame person. So, anyway⊠we should get going. Follow me.â
Gesturing her along, he started back to the Kellyâs to his ride. It didnât take that long, though it seemed to take forever. Hannah was dying, he was feeling bad about that and for upsetting Margo, and it was just a crappy day. He had been upset about something before.. what was it? What had made him take off running? Huh. Jason couldnât really remember. Every once and a while, heâd look back at Margo to be sure she was keeping pace, even though he was just speed walking with hands shoved in his pockets. Really, it was only speed walking because he was nervous andâletâs face itâhe had long strides.
Finally, they came to his house and motorcycle. Taking a helmet from the garage, he handed it to the blonde dame. âHere, put this on. And make sure you hold on tight, okay? I donât want you fallinâ off and hurting yourself. One girl in the hospital is enough for one day.â With the aid of a neurotic sigh, It didnât take long at all for him to hop on and turn the key, listening to the engine mix with the storm as he waited for Margo to get on behind him. âYou all set?â He asked, getting ready to push off and roll to the hospital. Someone had to be there for Hannah, even if she just chucked shit at him and shooed him out later. Heâd be okay with thatâreallyâas it would mean sheâd be okay. âOkayâremember to hold on.â
They passed houses and houses in her neighborhood, until they reached his home. A bit better then mine. She thought, as she waited for him to wheel it out of the garage. He handed her a helmet, it was black and shiny. She slipped it on and adjusted to her head. She watched as he started it up. The engine rumbled to life like a wild beast. He sat down and she did too. She nodded at him, and listened to his instructions. The rain still falling lighted up just as about they were going to take off. She looked up in the sky and watched as the dark grey clouds started moving.
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