Introduction
clifford harrington and toby saunders stole the show in high school after being declared prom kings. growing from puppy love to high school sweethearts, there had been bets about when they'd finally reveal they were dating. but when toby lost his mother and father in an accident shortly after graduation, all their plans went to hell. cliff went to college, having received a full ride to harvard, but they swore they'd stay in touch. that didn't work out. but when toby ends up working in the same building as cliff, the feelings come back, more complicated than ever. they've changed so much and are in very different places; could it ever work out?
based on characters from starcross'd
- 16 posts here • Page 1 of 1
The Story So Far... Write a Post » as written by 2 authors
xxxi’ve never loved a darker blue
xxxthan the darkness I have known in you
xxxyou, whose heart would sing of anarchy
xxxyou would laugh so beautifully
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It had been a long few years. In some ways, he didn’t know how it had been four years. He didn’t know how Jess was already eighteen and a senior, how he had been managing by himself for this long. How long it had been since he’d saw Cliff. And then it felt like it had been a lifetime. How much had changed in those four years. He knew that he couldn’t have changed that much- lost a little weight, gained a few more grey hairs, and now actually wore a tie on a regular basis, but he wondered if Cliff would even recognize him if he saw him. If he’d even recognize Cliff. For some reason, the other boy- no, he was a man now- had been on his mind recently. He thought about him more than he’d like to admit. He wondered how he was doing, if he was happy.
Toby shook the thought out of his head as he headed back into the building. He couldn’t linger on it now, he needed to get back on the ball. But a familiar figure nearly made him stop dead in his tracks, as if he’d summoned him up. Toby couldn’t see him perfectly, couldn’t be sure if it was him- but there was something in his gut that told him it was. But he was dumbfounded, and couldn’t quite get the words out to say anything.
ᴄʟɪꜰꜰᴏʀᴅ ʜᴇʀʀɪɴɢᴛᴏɴ
♦ | #B4292E
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Clifford was his usual upbeat morning self as his index fingers drummed on his steering wheel while singing along to Ariana Grande's Thank u, next song. He then grasped his steering wheel to take a turn into the nearest Starbuck's as he looked down for a bit, digging inside of his wallet in his glove compartment. His head snapped back up as he shut off his vehicle and got out, walking in and instantly being greeted by the cashier that was at the register. Clifford always looked at the menu, even though he always got the same thing. But there was a picture up there reminded him of a time when he and Toby would visit Starbuck's and poke fun at the name of the beverage.
Oh, gosh. Why did he have to think of his name? Especially now? Clifford ordered his usual and placed a five dollar bill inside of the tip jar then stepped aside to wait for the barista to finish preparing his beverage. His mind was currently all over the place as he might've spaced out a bit. He wondered how Toby was doing now, what did he look like, was he still single and a slew of questions that boggled his mind right now. His barista held up his drink and called his name, snapping him out of his thoughts as he smiled and walked up to the counter to retrieve his caffeinated beverage.
From there, he walked back to his vehicle and got inside of it. He sat his beverage down in the cup-holder and buckled up his seat before he cranked up the engine and sat there a moment. 'Gosh, hope Toby is off today.' Clifford thought to himself as he would've loved to see him again but not right now like so sudden. His thought process moved from one thing to the next as he drove his usual path toward the office as he remembered it perfect and even parked in the same spot he had before.
He got out of his vehicle after grabbing his over the shoulder bag and walked into the building and directly towards the office he was assigned to. Clifford opened the door and who is the first person he attracts when he enters? Toby. He stood in his tracks for a bit and eyed the male that stood mere feet apart from him. Clifford had let a sigh escaped over his parted lips as he had seen the Starbuck's cup inside his hand. 'Of course.' He thought to himself with an eye roll but proceeded forth towards him anyway.
What was he to say whenever they were standing close to each other? Is there another form of saying hello or hey without sounding obvious about missing someone? He did not know what to think as when he approached him, his eyes instantly met Toby's and before saying something, he exhaled a breath. "Hey." That was all he muttered, not knowing what else to say or even ask. But he did not want to have a full-fledged conversation in front of everyone, in case it ended disastrous.
Oh, gosh. Why did he have to think of his name? Especially now? Clifford ordered his usual and placed a five dollar bill inside of the tip jar then stepped aside to wait for the barista to finish preparing his beverage. His mind was currently all over the place as he might've spaced out a bit. He wondered how Toby was doing now, what did he look like, was he still single and a slew of questions that boggled his mind right now. His barista held up his drink and called his name, snapping him out of his thoughts as he smiled and walked up to the counter to retrieve his caffeinated beverage.
From there, he walked back to his vehicle and got inside of it. He sat his beverage down in the cup-holder and buckled up his seat before he cranked up the engine and sat there a moment. 'Gosh, hope Toby is off today.' Clifford thought to himself as he would've loved to see him again but not right now like so sudden. His thought process moved from one thing to the next as he drove his usual path toward the office as he remembered it perfect and even parked in the same spot he had before.
He got out of his vehicle after grabbing his over the shoulder bag and walked into the building and directly towards the office he was assigned to. Clifford opened the door and who is the first person he attracts when he enters? Toby. He stood in his tracks for a bit and eyed the male that stood mere feet apart from him. Clifford had let a sigh escaped over his parted lips as he had seen the Starbuck's cup inside his hand. 'Of course.' He thought to himself with an eye roll but proceeded forth towards him anyway.
What was he to say whenever they were standing close to each other? Is there another form of saying hello or hey without sounding obvious about missing someone? He did not know what to think as when he approached him, his eyes instantly met Toby's and before saying something, he exhaled a breath. "Hey." That was all he muttered, not knowing what else to say or even ask. But he did not want to have a full-fledged conversation in front of everyone, in case it ended disastrous.
xxxi’ve never loved a darker blue
xxxthan the darkness I have known in you
xxxyou, whose heart would sing of anarchy
xxxyou would laugh so beautifully
"Hey. Listen, I, uh, I've got to run. Duty calls and all that. But... we should catch up. Dinner? My place? Seven thirty?" He said, managing to cover the fact that he was just blurting it out and trying to cover up how nervous he was. Times like this made him glad he couldn't tolerate caffeine, because god knows what he'd be like if he could. "Hold on." He dug a piece of paper and a pen out of his pocket and scribbled his number down on it. "I'd love to talk right now, but I think the place might just fall apart without me. Let me know, okay?" He said, handing over the slip of paper. "It's really great to see you. I... really hope you can make it."
He grinned before heading back towards the office. Once inside, he flopped down onto the chair and woke his screen. He wished he'd stayed and talked to Cliff, wish he'd given him time to get a word in. But it was only now he was away that he realised that he was too afraid of Cliff saying no. It was easier to deal with something like that over text, he told himself. He resisted the temptation to groan as he opened the email and started replying to the steadily growing number that awaited him. Could he even do dinner at seven thirty? Jess and the boys would at least be home at that point, but he wasn't sure if that was a good or a bad thing. He might need to bribe them with something to stay out of their hair, but they were good kids. He'd work something out. Assuming Cliff even wanted to come. After that interaction, he don't think he could blame him for not wanting to.
ᴄʟɪꜰꜰᴏʀᴅ ʜᴇʀʀɪɴɢᴛᴏɴ
♦ | #B4292E
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Cliff really could have thought of something else to say but that one word was all that had slipped out within that moment. He had eyed Toby whenever he had looked down at his watch then back up at him and when he mentioned that he had to run. Of course, he did. Right here? Right now? It was obvious to Clifford that Toby did not want anything to do with him but suddenly, Toby was handing him a slip of paper, which he accepted but did not look down at it. His mind was racing as he just stood there and listened to his nervous talk.
'Oh, he still does that. So cute.' Clifford thought just as Toby started to walk away, which snapped him out of his thoughts as he turned around and eyed him. "It was great to see you too." Was that he had muttered as he was just as nervous, even though he ignited the spark for a conversation. He sighed softly to himself as he finally unraveled the piece of paper and saw Toby's number enclosed inside. He had quirked up a brow then headed to his office, wondering if he should really, really text him now or wait.
Clifford entered the inside of his office, phone already ringing off the hook as he picked it up and talked with the female on the other line. The conversation ended and he sat down, powering up his flat screen computer and pulled out his cell phone. His fingers punched in his passcode, which oddly was still Toby's birthday but he wasn't going to tell him that. His eyes looked down at his outfit as he was usually dressed in bright colors. Guess that today was the best day to wear black. After thinking about his outfit in his mind, he had entered in Toby's number then reluctantly, he shot him a text.
'Oh, he still does that. So cute.' Clifford thought just as Toby started to walk away, which snapped him out of his thoughts as he turned around and eyed him. "It was great to see you too." Was that he had muttered as he was just as nervous, even though he ignited the spark for a conversation. He sighed softly to himself as he finally unraveled the piece of paper and saw Toby's number enclosed inside. He had quirked up a brow then headed to his office, wondering if he should really, really text him now or wait.
Clifford entered the inside of his office, phone already ringing off the hook as he picked it up and talked with the female on the other line. The conversation ended and he sat down, powering up his flat screen computer and pulled out his cell phone. His fingers punched in his passcode, which oddly was still Toby's birthday but he wasn't going to tell him that. His eyes looked down at his outfit as he was usually dressed in bright colors. Guess that today was the best day to wear black. After thinking about his outfit in his mind, he had entered in Toby's number then reluctantly, he shot him a text.
To: Toby
If you were serious then I accept your offer for dinner tonight.
Send me the details when you get the chance.
If you were serious then I accept your offer for dinner tonight.
Send me the details when you get the chance.
xxxi’ve never loved a darker blue
xxxthan the darkness I have known in you
xxxyou, whose heart would sing of anarchy
xxxyou would laugh so beautifully
To: Cliff
100% serious. Is seven thirty good? I'm still in 7 Riverside btw. I'll cook :D
It was only once the text was gone that he realised the time and how long it had been since Cliff had texted him. Would he even still want to? Would he have thought that Toby forgot him, that Toby had been joking, that he hadn't really been into him at all? Because that wasn't the case at all. More than he wanted to admit, it wasn't the case at all. He just wanted to see Cliff again, to see how he was doing.
He got back into the house to chaos. The house was a wreck. The boys couldn't have even been in that long, and he swore that the house had been semi-tidy when he'd been leaving the house. Or maybe he just hadn't been looking at it from the right perspective, had just been looking at it from the perspective of his family. It had been just fine if they were going to be the only ones. But that had changed. He yelled up the stairs for them to get their asses down to help tidy up. Jess materialised too, and he gave her a grateful smile. But by the time the three of them had gotten the house into the level of cleanliness and organisation that Toby liked, it was too late to start cooking. So instead, he called his favourite, reliable Chinese takeout place, ordering a selection of food, and praying it would show up on time.
ᴄʟɪꜰꜰᴏʀᴅ ʜᴇʀʀɪɴɢᴛᴏɴ
♦ | #B4292E
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Clifford's fingers were busy clacking the keyboard and clicking the mouse away on his computer inside of his office. Though, his eyes constantly stared at his phone everytime it chimed and he would get excited whenever he'd pick it up but bummed not seeing that it was Toby. His mind started to wonder the possibilities of him not messaging him back. 'Maybe he's busy. Yeah, let's go with that.' Clifford thought as his phone chimed again but still, not Toby.
Time was tick and tocking away as two hours or so had passed by and his phone chimed again and it was Toby. His eyes scanned over the message and instead of replying, he decided to surprise him with his presence. A smile danced between his lips and he tried to shake it away but couldn't. All of those old memories and feelings were coming back and it made him feel warm along with fuzzy inside. Something that only Toby could do to him. He had wondered if Toby felt the exact same way right about now, to be honest.
He had finished up his work for the day and gotten off of work, going to home to change first in something that was very Cliff-esque and bright. He could not deal with the dark clothing any longer. He had showered and changed then stared at himself in the mirror. Was this going to be a mistake? Was him going over to Toby's place after so long going to make him look desperate? He had sighed then stared down at his watch as time was ticking away. Clifford just said screw it since he was already dressed and hated ruining a perfectly put together outfit.
Soon, he was out the door and inside of his vehicle, driving over to the address, which he remembered perfectly. Of course, Clifford had to stop by the wine shop close to his house and picked out the watermelon flavored wine they tried. It was about 7:45 PM when he had pulled up and turned off his engine. He would've been on time to ease Toby's nerves but just wanted to have a little bit of fun with this, for now. Before he got out, he sighed and grabbed the wine bottle by it's neck and got out. He was standing on the doorstep and took a breath before he reached out and rung the doorbell.
There was absolutely no turning back now.
Time was tick and tocking away as two hours or so had passed by and his phone chimed again and it was Toby. His eyes scanned over the message and instead of replying, he decided to surprise him with his presence. A smile danced between his lips and he tried to shake it away but couldn't. All of those old memories and feelings were coming back and it made him feel warm along with fuzzy inside. Something that only Toby could do to him. He had wondered if Toby felt the exact same way right about now, to be honest.
He had finished up his work for the day and gotten off of work, going to home to change first in something that was very Cliff-esque and bright. He could not deal with the dark clothing any longer. He had showered and changed then stared at himself in the mirror. Was this going to be a mistake? Was him going over to Toby's place after so long going to make him look desperate? He had sighed then stared down at his watch as time was ticking away. Clifford just said screw it since he was already dressed and hated ruining a perfectly put together outfit.
Soon, he was out the door and inside of his vehicle, driving over to the address, which he remembered perfectly. Of course, Clifford had to stop by the wine shop close to his house and picked out the watermelon flavored wine they tried. It was about 7:45 PM when he had pulled up and turned off his engine. He would've been on time to ease Toby's nerves but just wanted to have a little bit of fun with this, for now. Before he got out, he sighed and grabbed the wine bottle by it's neck and got out. He was standing on the doorstep and took a breath before he reached out and rung the doorbell.
There was absolutely no turning back now.
xxxi’ve never loved a darker blue
xxxthan the darkness I have known in you
xxxyou, whose heart would sing of anarchy
xxxyou would laugh so beautifully
He took a deep breath before opening the door, his usual grin finding its way to his face easily. "Hey," he said, taking in the other man's appearance. He'd gotten changed, and he looked good. Toby was just reminded that he was still in the same clothes from earlier and felt like he probably looked like he felt. It was as he looked that he noticed the bottle of wine and the familiar label. "That better be the reason you're late," he said with a grin and a wink as he held the door open to let Cliff in.
"I know I said I was going to cook," he called as he headed towards the kitchen, "but the boys had other plans. This evening has been a little, ah, chaotic. So it's takeout, I'm afraid." The two boys just took Cliff's appearance as permission to get food, and barely acknowledged their visitor with more than a "hi" as they got their food and then disappeared into the sitting room to continue watching TV. Toby just shook his head.
"So. How have you been?" He asked as he rooted through the containers, looking for something that caught his fancy.
ᴄʟɪꜰꜰᴏʀᴅ ʜᴇʀʀɪɴɢᴛᴏɴ
♦ | #B4292E
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Cliff's eyes lit up whenever he saw Toby's usual grin. A grin that he has missed being in his life for quite some time now. He had formed something of a smile and nodded his head at Toby's statement. "Hey and yes, it is." Cliff finally admitted as he walked inside of the house now. He listened as Toby explained to him for the reason that he did not cook and got takeout instead.
"It's fine." He muttered with the wave of his hand as he trailed behind Toby, seeing two other guys take a dig at the food then leave to go in another room. Cliff let out a small laugh as he sat down the wine bottle onto the counter and grabbed himself a plate from the cabinet along with some utensils. It was clear that he hadn't missed a step from being inside of Toby's home and that Toby did not really change too much around.
He had gone over and stood beside Toby, out of pure habit and gazed over the food with him. Toby's question caught him a bit off guard as he wanted to make up some things about his life because maybe Toby had lived a better one than one. He had shaken those thoughts from his mind and shrugged his shoulders, offering Toby a response. "Uh, I've been good, thanks. Taking a much-needed break from Harvard though."
Cliff had let out a small chuckle, completely forgetting the fact that he had chosen Harvard over Toby for his own benefit. He had just hoped that it wasn't going to come back and bite him in the ass later on though. He had placed a few items on his plate, even snagging the last eggroll, which he usually shared with Toby but didn't know if that was still intact or not. "What about you, Toby?" He had asked quickly, trying to diverge the conversation onto Toby's life for a moment.
"Anything exciting happened to you?" It was clear that he was nervous because that question alone and he did not know how to really approach Toby anymore. Maybe this little conversation will be the perfect icebreaker for them both.
"It's fine." He muttered with the wave of his hand as he trailed behind Toby, seeing two other guys take a dig at the food then leave to go in another room. Cliff let out a small laugh as he sat down the wine bottle onto the counter and grabbed himself a plate from the cabinet along with some utensils. It was clear that he hadn't missed a step from being inside of Toby's home and that Toby did not really change too much around.
He had gone over and stood beside Toby, out of pure habit and gazed over the food with him. Toby's question caught him a bit off guard as he wanted to make up some things about his life because maybe Toby had lived a better one than one. He had shaken those thoughts from his mind and shrugged his shoulders, offering Toby a response. "Uh, I've been good, thanks. Taking a much-needed break from Harvard though."
Cliff had let out a small chuckle, completely forgetting the fact that he had chosen Harvard over Toby for his own benefit. He had just hoped that it wasn't going to come back and bite him in the ass later on though. He had placed a few items on his plate, even snagging the last eggroll, which he usually shared with Toby but didn't know if that was still intact or not. "What about you, Toby?" He had asked quickly, trying to diverge the conversation onto Toby's life for a moment.
"Anything exciting happened to you?" It was clear that he was nervous because that question alone and he did not know how to really approach Toby anymore. Maybe this little conversation will be the perfect icebreaker for them both.
xxxi’ve never loved a darker blue
xxxthan the darkness I have known in you
xxxyou, whose heart would sing of anarchy
xxxyou would laugh so beautifully
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Once he was done, he dug out two wine glasses and poured them each a glass, sliding Cliff's over to him. "Have I done anything exciting?" He mused. "Well, let's just say that my life has become so boring and domestic, just going to a different grocery store is a thrill for me," he joked, with a raised eyebrow, taking a sip out of the wine. "But to answer your question... no. I got a job in the doctor's surgery, taught myself what I needed to know, and have been just trying to keep us all afloat. Jess is great. She wants to be a nurse," he said proudly. She worked her ass off for school but never hesitated to help him out. And he appreciated that more than he could say.
"But yeah. My life is pretty mundane. But I'm happy. It's no Harvard," he joked, "but it's something." He shrugged a little. Then he grinned again. "So. Tell me about Harvard. I want to know everything. All the gossip, what your classes are like, what your professors were like. What did you even major in?" He asked. They'd had their own plans, all the way back when, but as they'd learned, they could change just like that.
Once upon a time, they would have had a similar conversation, but with a bit more honesty. Probably a lot more honesty. Toby might have been able to admit that he was tired pretty much all of the time, that there were days when getting out of bed was hard, when he just wanted to scream at everyone when he got back after a hard day and had to clean and cook and find time for himself. But Cliff didn't need to know that. Right now, Toby waned it to feels as close to old times as possible.
ᴄʟɪꜰꜰᴏʀᴅ ʜᴇʀʀɪɴɢᴛᴏɴ
♦ | #B4292E
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Cliff's eyes went to Toby as he grabbed two wine glasses and proceeded to pour them both a glass. He had reached down and picked up his, taking a small sip from it and allowing his tongue to lips and absorb the excess liquid that was there. Cliff sat glass down now and directed his gaze towards Toby, who began to speak. His first response made Cliff let out a small chuckle along with shake his head. Both of their lives were still pretty much mundane but Cliff expect a little bit of excitement had to have happened in Toby's life but evidently not.
"Well, at least you get a thrill out of something." He had muttered before he continued on. "I am happy for Jess." Cliff admitted as he followed Toby's shrug with one of his own. "Well, Harvard is just like any other college from the outside but on the inside..." He had shuddered, which wasn't a joke but because the inside of the campus scared him. "Not sure you can handle all of the tea in one day but I will give you two." A smirk crept up between his lips for the moment. "There was this hazing scandal between a fraternity and a teacher messing around with a student."
That was all Cliff had mentioned and did not really go into details. The vague headlines should've given Toby some insight on what they were and what went down at the college. "Well, you know, they are known for their science program so I went there to major in biology. I might want to be a biologist." Cliff had spoken with another shrug of his shoulders.
It was quite clear that things had changed between them but they both had the look in their eyes that they wanted things to be the same. They wanted things to remain the same as they were before. Cliff had finished eating off of his plate then reached for the wine bottle, pouring some of the contents into his own glass before reaching over and pouring some more into Toby's glass, as well. Cliff sat the bottle down then stood up, grabbing his plate along with Toby's if he was finished and placed them in the sink.
He stood at the sink, thinking about what he was doing as he shook his head before he returned back to Toby. "Sorry, force of habit." He muttered truthfully, grabbing his glass as he eyed Toby. "Do you still have that lovely patio set out back?" He'd ask before he went back there in case he didn't have it anymore.
"Well, at least you get a thrill out of something." He had muttered before he continued on. "I am happy for Jess." Cliff admitted as he followed Toby's shrug with one of his own. "Well, Harvard is just like any other college from the outside but on the inside..." He had shuddered, which wasn't a joke but because the inside of the campus scared him. "Not sure you can handle all of the tea in one day but I will give you two." A smirk crept up between his lips for the moment. "There was this hazing scandal between a fraternity and a teacher messing around with a student."
That was all Cliff had mentioned and did not really go into details. The vague headlines should've given Toby some insight on what they were and what went down at the college. "Well, you know, they are known for their science program so I went there to major in biology. I might want to be a biologist." Cliff had spoken with another shrug of his shoulders.
It was quite clear that things had changed between them but they both had the look in their eyes that they wanted things to be the same. They wanted things to remain the same as they were before. Cliff had finished eating off of his plate then reached for the wine bottle, pouring some of the contents into his own glass before reaching over and pouring some more into Toby's glass, as well. Cliff sat the bottle down then stood up, grabbing his plate along with Toby's if he was finished and placed them in the sink.
He stood at the sink, thinking about what he was doing as he shook his head before he returned back to Toby. "Sorry, force of habit." He muttered truthfully, grabbing his glass as he eyed Toby. "Do you still have that lovely patio set out back?" He'd ask before he went back there in case he didn't have it anymore.
xxxi’ve never loved a darker blue
xxxthan the darkness I have known in you
xxxyou, whose heart would sing of anarchy
xxxyou would laugh so beautifully
xxx
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xxx
He stood up and brushed himself down, picking up the bottle of wine and his glass. “Good choice, by the way,” he said, tipping his glass towards Cliff. “You always were the classy one,” he added with a grin as he lead the way out to the patio. He’d been so glad when he realized that they’d be able to stay in the house. There were so many memories here, it felt like his family was built into the walls. Like this patio. The scene of so many neighborhood barbecues, his eighteenth birthday, his graduation. So many memories with Cliff.
And one hell of a view to boot. The river was silver in the quickly setting sun, the trees painted so many different colors. Toby sank onto the bench, staring out over it. This was where he had sat when he’d come home from the hospital. When everything had changed. The conversation between him and Cliff had happened at Cliff’s kitchen table, but this is where Toby had realized it all.
“So, a biologist, huh? Are... have you graduated yet? God, we used to know everything about each other. I don’t even know if you’ve graduated or not.” He said, nearly more to himself than to Cliff.
ᴄʟɪꜰꜰᴏʀᴅ ʜᴇʀʀɪɴɢᴛᴏɴ
☼ | #B4292E
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Things were coming natural to him again and honestly, it felt really good. A bit too good. Cliff had exhaled a breath just thinking about all of the good times he shared here with Toby and all of their other times shared here, too. It seemed as if much has not changed here or even between them. The same rhythm that they had back then, was still in sync with them now. Nothing felt out of place as he walked through the halls and towards the patio area. Nothing changed. 'Typical Toby.' He had thought but liked that about Toby if he were, to be honest.
He had chuckled at Toby's question and turned to eye him as he responded. "Oh, I know you couldn't." He replied before he took the first step onto the patio and eyed Toby again. "Hey, you had your classy moments. Most thanks to me but still, you had moments." Cliff joked with a playful nudge to his shoulder and smiled. His gaze went from Toby to the view, taking it all in again and capturing the moment. The river still shined silverly, the trees in the background had different tints of color and the sunset was beautiful as ever. What made this moment even more perfect? He was with Toby.
Cliff's gaze went back over to Toby on the bench but his mood changed. 'Oh, crap.' He thought, completely forgetting this is where they were after the hospital. He had just taken a sip from his glass then walked over to sit beside him and wanted to rub a hand along his back, rub along his arm or reach down to grasp his hand into his own. But instead, Toby was quick to ask him a question.
"Uh, if I were being honest..." His gaze went down to his glass, which he swirled the liquid contents inside in then raised his gaze up to stare back at Toby. "I didn't graduate. I came back here to try and find myself again, you know?" He replied genuinely then reached his hand up to stroke Toby's back a bit, which was out of habit again. "And I should apologize for having you come back out here. I hadn't realized it when I asked."
Cliff removed his hand from Toby's back now and rested it against his own knee with a sigh. His head lowered to stare at the ground beneath them and now, he was feeling as if this was a mistake. Coming back here might've been a mistake and bumping into Toby was damn sure a mistake. A sigh escaped over his parted lips as he sat his glass down beside him and waited for Toby to break the silence between them.
He had chuckled at Toby's question and turned to eye him as he responded. "Oh, I know you couldn't." He replied before he took the first step onto the patio and eyed Toby again. "Hey, you had your classy moments. Most thanks to me but still, you had moments." Cliff joked with a playful nudge to his shoulder and smiled. His gaze went from Toby to the view, taking it all in again and capturing the moment. The river still shined silverly, the trees in the background had different tints of color and the sunset was beautiful as ever. What made this moment even more perfect? He was with Toby.
Cliff's gaze went back over to Toby on the bench but his mood changed. 'Oh, crap.' He thought, completely forgetting this is where they were after the hospital. He had just taken a sip from his glass then walked over to sit beside him and wanted to rub a hand along his back, rub along his arm or reach down to grasp his hand into his own. But instead, Toby was quick to ask him a question.
"Uh, if I were being honest..." His gaze went down to his glass, which he swirled the liquid contents inside in then raised his gaze up to stare back at Toby. "I didn't graduate. I came back here to try and find myself again, you know?" He replied genuinely then reached his hand up to stroke Toby's back a bit, which was out of habit again. "And I should apologize for having you come back out here. I hadn't realized it when I asked."
Cliff removed his hand from Toby's back now and rested it against his own knee with a sigh. His head lowered to stare at the ground beneath them and now, he was feeling as if this was a mistake. Coming back here might've been a mistake and bumping into Toby was damn sure a mistake. A sigh escaped over his parted lips as he sat his glass down beside him and waited for Toby to break the silence between them.
xxxi’ve never loved a darker blue
xxxthan the darkness I have known in you
xxxyou, whose heart would sing of anarchy
xxxyou would laugh so beautifully
"No, it's nice to be back out here with someone. With you," he said. "It's just... so much has changed. So much that I can hardly even recognise myself from who I was then." There was moments when he didn't fully recognise Cliff either, moments where his expression was unreadable, where he couldn't quite figure him out. That made him a little sad.
"You just gotta keep moving forward, you know?" He said. Not that he'd ever had much of a chance. His world was a constant stream of movement, one where if you let yourself stop moving for a second, the current would try and pull you under. His siblings needed him, and he wouldn't let himself be pulled under. For their sake if nothing else.
He leaned against Cliff, almost out of habit, half resting his head on his shoulder. "How has it been this long?" He asked, half to himself and half to Cliff. He felt just like the 18 year old, thrown into the deep end with not a lot of options. And at the same time, he'd never felt so far apart from that person.
Toby's words made him sigh softly to himself and just made him feel so regretful of everything. Leaving him whenever he was needed the most, breaking up with him because he was leaving and now as he thought about it, he never should've left. Cliff felt Toby's head on top of his shoulder then leaned his own head to rest against his. It felt nice once again like they had just graduated and they were here, just looking out off into the distance and having a decent conversation.
❝You're you, Toby.❞ Cliff muttered softly, his hand reached down to intertwine his fingers with Toby's. ❝It is nice to be back here with you, as well. I just wish I hadn't left you when you needed me the most.❞ He admitted with a bit of sadness in his voice. He wishes that he could find a time machine so that he can go back in time and make better decisions. Especially for Toby and be there for him.
❝Unfortunately, I know all about moving on too well.❞ Cliff muttered softly. ❝It's been too long, Toby but I will admit something to you...❞ He paused to lift his head up to stare down and look into Toby's eyes. ❝I missed you and thought about you daily.❞ He finally spoke to him out loud, sighing to himself. He had wondered to himself if they could at least reestablish where they were way back when. He wanted everything to go back to normal, even if it was just for a little bit.
Cliff's fingers tightened up a bit as he smiled a bit. His eyes wandered away from Toby for a moment before they went back over to him. ❝Would you...❞ He hesitated his next question as his top teeth met with his bottom lip with worry and nerves. ❝Would you perhaps want to go to your room and cuddle like old times?❞ Cliff was mentally facepalming himself after asking that then shook his head.
❝You know what, never mind, forget I asked.❞ He immediately said with retreat and the wave of his free hand but still had his hand lock with Toby's. Cliff just wanted to at least have things before as they were before just once tonight. Even if it was just for tonight, at least he'd feel somewhat better.
❝You're you, Toby.❞ Cliff muttered softly, his hand reached down to intertwine his fingers with Toby's. ❝It is nice to be back here with you, as well. I just wish I hadn't left you when you needed me the most.❞ He admitted with a bit of sadness in his voice. He wishes that he could find a time machine so that he can go back in time and make better decisions. Especially for Toby and be there for him.
❝Unfortunately, I know all about moving on too well.❞ Cliff muttered softly. ❝It's been too long, Toby but I will admit something to you...❞ He paused to lift his head up to stare down and look into Toby's eyes. ❝I missed you and thought about you daily.❞ He finally spoke to him out loud, sighing to himself. He had wondered to himself if they could at least reestablish where they were way back when. He wanted everything to go back to normal, even if it was just for a little bit.
Cliff's fingers tightened up a bit as he smiled a bit. His eyes wandered away from Toby for a moment before they went back over to him. ❝Would you...❞ He hesitated his next question as his top teeth met with his bottom lip with worry and nerves. ❝Would you perhaps want to go to your room and cuddle like old times?❞ Cliff was mentally facepalming himself after asking that then shook his head.
❝You know what, never mind, forget I asked.❞ He immediately said with retreat and the wave of his free hand but still had his hand lock with Toby's. Cliff just wanted to at least have things before as they were before just once tonight. Even if it was just for tonight, at least he'd feel somewhat better.
xxxi’ve never loved a darker blue
xxxthan the darkness I have known in you
xxxyou, whose heart would sing of anarchy
xxxyou would laugh so beautifully
Cliff's words hurt more than he wanted to admit. Because he wanted it, he wanted it so bad. He wanted it more than he could put into words. But he couldn't. Being out here had just reminded him of that, of how entirely impractical it all was. How the hell could they just go back to old times? No matter how much they wanted it to be the same, it never would be. Toby was a different person. Cliff was a different person. And Toby's life was completely different. He wouldn't drag Cliff into that. How could he let Cliff in, force him to deal with the cracks, with the person he was at his worst? It wasn't fair. Cliff deserved better, and Toby knew that Cliff would insist that he didn't mind, that he didn't care. But Toby wouldn't, couldn't do that to him.
Then Cliff seemed to realise something and he moved away. Toby looked away, staring at their intertwined hands. He wanted it so much.
"Cliff, I.... I can't. It's not... I want it to be like old times. But I'm not the person I used to be. My life has just... changed so much. I've changed. And I want it to be the same, but it can't be. My life is so different now. We can't just pick up where we left off. I'm sorry." He couldn't bring himself to pull his hand away, even though he knew he should.
If Clifford did not feel stupid before, he sure felt stupid as hell in the moment. He knew that this wasn't like old times but a part of him had hoped that they could establish those old feelings once again or have something to hang on to. A soft sigh escaped over his parted lips but still their hands were connected as one with each other. That part, at least, stayed the same for them both. Clifford's hand tightened up around Toby's slightly then he eased up a bit with another sigh after Toby's words.
Of course, he should've seen it coming. Things were different between them, yes and honestly, Clifford just wanted things to go back to normal but that was easier said than done, unfortunately. Clifford knew deep down inside that they could probably never be back on the same track but at least, they can steer or try to get back on track, somehow. There was a time and a place for that though.
❝No need to apologize, Toby. It was stupid of me to even ask or feel that way.❞ He admitted openly then eyed him as he released the grip from Toby's hand and took one last swig from his wine. A part of him wanted to leave but how could he leave Toby in a vulnerable state of mind again? It'd be like a repeat of the past. He felt a bit sorry for them both and just reeled from the feeling of the past.
Clifford stood up and smiled down to Toby, eyes gleamed a bit as he had an idea. Something that would hopefully cheer Toby up a little bit. ❝Come on.❞ He muttered softly and extended his hand out for Toby to grab. ❝Let's go for a stroll in the park.❞ Clifford basically said in a soft tone, hoping that Toby would oblige to this. After all, it has been too long since they took a stroll together with each other and maybe this will be a walk down memory lane for them.
A nice stroll, fresh air and laughter does the body good. Let's hope that's correct for this moment in time.
Of course, he should've seen it coming. Things were different between them, yes and honestly, Clifford just wanted things to go back to normal but that was easier said than done, unfortunately. Clifford knew deep down inside that they could probably never be back on the same track but at least, they can steer or try to get back on track, somehow. There was a time and a place for that though.
❝No need to apologize, Toby. It was stupid of me to even ask or feel that way.❞ He admitted openly then eyed him as he released the grip from Toby's hand and took one last swig from his wine. A part of him wanted to leave but how could he leave Toby in a vulnerable state of mind again? It'd be like a repeat of the past. He felt a bit sorry for them both and just reeled from the feeling of the past.
Clifford stood up and smiled down to Toby, eyes gleamed a bit as he had an idea. Something that would hopefully cheer Toby up a little bit. ❝Come on.❞ He muttered softly and extended his hand out for Toby to grab. ❝Let's go for a stroll in the park.❞ Clifford basically said in a soft tone, hoping that Toby would oblige to this. After all, it has been too long since they took a stroll together with each other and maybe this will be a walk down memory lane for them.
A nice stroll, fresh air and laughter does the body good. Let's hope that's correct for this moment in time.
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