Okay, so my name is Johannes. Johannes Rocha - and yeah, I know, it's a weird name for a guy born in West Sussex to English parents; my Mum's grandparents were Portuguese, and she never took my Dad's name. Neither did I. I guess she just liked the name. I like it too. It's a good name.
I did get Christmas cards addressed to Yohanis when I was kid, though. So, anyways, I'm from England. We weren't a posh family, though. You know how it is, we've got a bit of an accent and people assume we're rolling in money. We did okay for ourselves. My Mum was a witch too, see, so she would get paid to help people with spells and the like. Dad is a dentist. I don't have any brothers or sisters.
Uh... What else is there to say? Oh, yeah! I'm a witch. Not like the Harry Potter kind of witch, 'cause obviously I'm a guy and those witches are girls. And I don't have a twig to wave around. I do have a wand, but it's made out of bone and it's really not something I want (or need) to carry around with me all the time. I help hunters out every now and then when demons or spirits come calling - hunters are those people who get rid of the nasties that wander around killing people, by the way. I'm, uh, sort of with one of them. Her name's Liza Covet. She's freaking awesome. She's a year or so younger than I am and she's been hunting for years - we actually met on a hunt. I thought she was a loopy lady trying to talk to the spirit that'd been pulling those kids into the ground, but then she turned around and shot at me with a salt-coated bullet. Well, shot near me. The spirit was behind me, so really she was saving me.
Anyway, I thought I'd be all impressive and, like, save her in return when the thing pulled her half into the ground, but I was a bit rushed and ended up sealing it into a pebble by accident. It got the job done, though. Then, just when I was feeling pretty cool and she was grinning at me, I...
Keeled over sideways. Out cold before I hit the ground. Bit too much energy into that one.
Er, yeah. That's pretty much how we met. She saved me, I saved her, she carried me up to her room, I slept on her bed for about five hours and then we both left the next morning. We've been inseparable (sort of) ever since. Covet's great. Good at her job and a personality like boiling water.
Let's see, what else is there. Well, there's the Hill. The Hill is a bar in South-West Scotland. A nice couple run it - they're really nice. Pure awesome, really. Danny (his name is Daniel, but for some reason he only lets his wife call him that) is a telepath. He can read your mind and talk to you and everything. Amelia, his wife, she's a psychic. That means no surprise parties. Believe me, we've tried. We tried for her baby shower, for every one of her birthdays since we met, even a completely random party that didn't have a meaning.
No dice. Every single time she'd walk in and pull this strange smile followed by a really bad attempt at sounding surprised. We all love her, but she's a terrible actor. Absolutely God awful.
They have a son called Will. He's five-years-old and he occupies Covet's time every single day we're at the bar. Honestly, he says one word and off she goes to look at a slug or some drawing of a caterpillar that looks like a bit of grass someone's spilled butter on.
Anyways. He's a good kid, really.
Who else is there? Well... there's Michael James. Douchebag extraordinaire. And I mean extraordinaire. He's a demon. He tried to kill Covet a few years back and since then she's been using him to get information on demon attacks and the like with the promise that he won't get sent back to Hell if he's good.
He's not good. He never is. He always comes back when we exorcise him and each time he's stronger. We haven't figured out how to kill him yet, but when we do I'm pretty sure we'll end up drinking for about a week as celebration.
So, yeah. That's me. And my girlfriend (I don't think she likes that word, though). My friends. My enemies.
Oh, and if you ever hear anyone talking about the Wicked Witch of West Sussex, that's me. I love Wicked. Complete and utter nerd for it.
God, I need help.
Name: Johannes Rocha [Yo-Ha-Nes Rok-Ah]
Nicknames: 'Nes, 'Nessie, 'Annie
Date of Birth: 1 March 1977
Species: Human
Race: Caucasian (Portuguese ancestors, English parents)
Status: Witch (Hunter)