Untitled spring-inspired poem

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Untitled spring-inspired poem

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby diabolicalxdamsel on Sat Mar 29, 2014 10:17 pm

A blossoming blueberry bush
Feels the graze
Of the morning's playful rays
That stir it with a gentle push.

As as the dawn begins to break,
Half-asleep
In the morning's quiet creep
A blushing bud is kissed awake.


(I'm open to constructive feedback)
Last edited by diabolicalxdamsel on Sun Mar 30, 2014 11:01 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Untitled spring-inspired poem

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby ViceVersus on Sun Mar 30, 2014 12:34 am

Hi diabolicalxdamsel! I'm Sato, thanks for posting your work in the poetry section here. :) It's always good to see new content in here.

I really like this! I don't know about where you live, but where I'm from, we could really use spring, it's been a long winter, so these are very pleasant images to have. It was short and sweet, and I like a lot of the imagery.

The only thing I have to say that needs to be added is make sure there's a hyphen in half-asleep.

The other thing I have to say isn't a critique really, it's more an open question. Have you ever not carried over capitalization to the next line? When I write poetry, I often don't capitalize every line. I am just curious about if there's a right way or a wrong way to do it, or the reasoning behind doing it either way. Personally, I feel like having the capitalization can throw me off my pacing of reading.

Anyways, look forward to reading more!

-VV
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Re: Untitled spring-inspired poem

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby diabolicalxdamsel on Sun Mar 30, 2014 11:01 am

Free verse is usually my thing, but as I kept revising this, I realized it would sound better with some structure.

So the capitalization is done more for the sake of structure.

The syllable count is kinda weird, but it goes

8
3
7
8

8
3
7
8

And the rhyme pattern is ABBA, CDDC.


And thanks for reminding me about the hyphen! It was in the original. Forgot to type it.

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Re: Untitled spring-inspired poem

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Armin on Mon May 26, 2014 3:56 pm

Oooo I like the structure, its pretty chaotic it seems apart from the basic structure, but i never cared or knew anything about such. It is beautiful.

And,

"blossoming blueberry bush"

were these all b's on purpose?
I'm making up my mind to not decide

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