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short sketch, critique wanted

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short sketch, critique wanted

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby in_sight on Thu Dec 23, 2010 4:08 pm

I just wrote a little piece, what do you think? I know it's kinda short, but I felt it was nothing more to write, no need to elaborate (or perhaps: I don't know how to). I don't have much experience, except from various school assignments (in addition, English is not my native language, so I might have messed up some of the wording because of that), and I have no idea if this is any good or just bs... Well, tell me your thoughts, here it comes:



    ”Do you know, what time it is?”, X asked suddenly and clearly. The question was directed to no-one in particular in the room.

    “Let me guess.”, a sneering voice in the crowd responded.

    “Go ahead.”, X calmly interjected before the voice had a chance to continue. While he wasn’t able to distinguish the faces of the people around him, he raised his eyes to blindly stare in front of him, waiting for a second before the voice again spoke, this time with a hint of concealed irritation
“Tea time.”

The room was silent, except the sound of one's own breath, strained by the sultry air. Time was slowing down, each second felt like five. Talking was kept to a minimum, every word uttered and every more-than-slight movement made felt like a effort in the overall drowsy state of mind everyone was in. The time went slower for each minute gone by. X slowly moved his hand to his face and wiped the greasy sweat of his eyelid with the side of his thumb. The atmosphere was unbearable. The thought of a cup of steaming hot tea seemed to make his skin produce a wave of sweat, beginning at the top of his head proceeding down all over his body. He opened his eyes and nodded in the dark, not out of drowsiness, but as in affirmation. A smile was on his face; a short burst of daft laughter disturbed the silence. Suddenly a ringing tone phased in, then a pounding beat. His vision was filled with vague patterns of increasingly bright blinking lights before the world began to spin. He lost his balance and fell down, slowly, down though the chair on which he once sat, descending inwards into his body, letting go of his grip of consciousness, floating away in the fall; time had now come to a complete halt.

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in_sight
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Re: short sketch, critique wanted

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Jag on Mon Jan 03, 2011 11:19 am

I hope to return with a more probing critique in a bit, but right now I see one major thing you can correct grammatically. When you are using quotations as part of a larger sentence, you don't need to include the period.

“Let me guess.”, a sneering voice in the crowd responded.


"Let me guess," a sneering voice in the crowd responded. (Corrected)

As I said, I'll be back soon with a more substantive critique of the work as a whole.

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Jag
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