Jennifer's plan to leave early on in the evening didn't quite run as smoothly as she had hoped, as she had fallen asleep beside Lucas, tired from something that was so far away from her usual routine. It had happened so quickly and all at once, her feeling of contentment lulling her into unconsciousness like a gentle lullaby. She awoke early morning, somewhat disorientated as she blinked her eyes open to reveal a strange bedroom and a soft warmth against her skin. Slowly, she tried to rub the sleep from her eyes and found that the events of the night came rushing back to her in a heartbeat as she momentarily relived some of the exhilaration she had felt just a few hours before. However, as she began to realise that she had involuntarily stayed the night, Jen felt a slight sinking feeling in her stomach as her usual self-doubt started to edge it's way into her new found consciousness. Silently, she slipped from the bed, trying to be extra careful not to disturb Lucas who stayed soundly asleep as she crept into the bathroom, trying to find her clothes. As she carefully dressed herself, regularly checking to ensure she had not woken him, Jen's thoughts flicked back to some of the things she remembered that she had said in the heat of the moment. A little sliver of embarrassment flushed up her chest; did she regret the whole evening? Of course not, but she found that she was starting to regret the impact she had let it have upon her. Part of her felt scared by this alien feeling of connection and she found that the more dominant part of her, now that the glow of the evening had worn off, wanted to run, run back into the numb normality that she was so accustomed to.
Once she was fully dressed, she tiptoed her way past the bed, stopping to take a small peek at Lucas who looked almost child-like in his unconsciousness. Should she leave a note or at least some money for the food, she questioned herself internally, momentarily remembering how gentle and attentive he had been with her. The little voice at the back of her mind reminded her however, that this was just part of their agreement, he used her and she used him. She didn't owe him anything. With a small sigh, she left the bedroom without looking back and quietly picked up her bag that she had left in the kitchen, slipping through the front door and clicking it shut behind her. The gentle dawn light illuminated her path down the front steps and she welcomed the fresh morning air that was sharp against her cheeks. She felt as though she could breathe again now that she was out of the confines of the house and as she ordered an Uber on her phone she leaned against the garden wall in quiet contemplation.
As much as she had enjoyed their evening together, Jennifer was trying to convince herself that the sensible thing to do was to make this the last time that she met Lucas. She couldn't continue with their arrangement in the way that she wanted to, the feeling of actually feeling something was too addictive, and alien in a way that frightened her. If she couldn't trust herself around Lucas then she shouldn't be around him at all. She thought back to how they had met that first night and remembered that they held a mutual friend. Would Lucas speak to Dante about her? Would he disclose the details of their meeting? Would Dante spread it around the office? She shuddered at the thought, trying not to let her panic takeover. She usually got like this after something positive had happened to her, it was like she didn't quite know how to process it, instead deesperately searching for the negative that she was so used to. It was a stark contrast to how she had felt just hours before.
As what felt like an age passed before her taxi finally arrived, Jen found that she continued to check the front of the house, worrying about Lucas finding her gone before she had chance to leave. But then would he really care? Probably not - it was easier for both of them if she just left.
The ride home felt endless to her as the cab drove through the city, people just beginning to wake up for the day ahead. Jen idly listened to the chatty driver who was telling her all about his family who lived out in a neighbourhood she hadn't heard of and mumbled vague replies to give him the idea that she was taking in his stories. She rested her head against the window for most of the way, glad that it was a Saturday so she didn't have to become presentable again until at least 8pm when her next shift started. Eventually they arrived at her building and she thanked the driver, before taking the stairs to her flat, pausing a moment at the front door to take in the contrast of her reality and the dream she had just come from. Part of her welcomed the familiarity, but another part of her that she was trying so hard to resist craved the excitement that she now lacked. After a long shower and a cup of black coffee later she found her thoughts building to a confusing crescendo and pulled on her running gear, phone and attached earphones in hand, before heading out to the park that was just around the corner. On her way to the entrance gates, she accepted a leaflet from a teenage boy who stood on the corner of her street, glancing down at it's contents and taking in the advertisement for a blood drive that was starting at 10am at her local bank. Jen vaguely took in this information with an intention to attend later on if she remembered, before crumpling the shiny paper and throwing it into the nearest bin. As she entered the park, she placed her earphones in her ears, turned the volume to her music up loud and set off, hoping this would quell the storm of thoughts charging around her mind, for at least the duration of the run.
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