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A Wanderer amidst the stars...[FB greatly requested!]

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A Wanderer amidst the stars...[FB greatly requested!]

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby LitomoSilver on Tue Aug 14, 2007 2:58 pm

The city of Skolia was a bustling hive of motion. Not too long ago, the city was merely plains broken only by the river. A trail led past what was now the main road for the city, leading to the bridge built at the lowest point of crossing in what seemed to be eons ago. Walls surrounded the city, but did little to stop the winds that whistled its way past streets, homes and trees, down the fields that farmers had planted seeds of food, and of food for animals not too far from the city. It blew, cold and bitingly onwards its way past the city. People wandered in thick jackets, or those that didn't have one, hurried on to their destination, trying to avoid the worst of the bitingly cold winds and failing to do so as it howled through. A trail led past what was now the main road for the city, leading to the bridge built at the lowest point of crossing. Voices rose and fell in a ebbing and flowing tempo of life. It was currently overflowing, but eventually the flow of life would ebb away slowly and surge. It was a never-ending cycle and would go on till the universe died.
The city, still new and sharp, was slowly losing its newness. It wouldn't be long before crime and danger made its way here. In fact, danger was already reaching its deadly fingers out to grasp this city in its dangerous grip. War was slowly coming for the city. Slowly the city would change into something else. Not too far away from the city, perhaps a mile or two, a base was being built. A little further than that, an airport was being built as well, some distance away from the city in consideration for the citizens that lived in the city close by, and not only for their consideration, but also the military uses that would soon be borne out. It would be some time yet before this city was converted into a supply city.
That grim thought caught in the man's mind that was sitting upon a chair, at a table, sipping at a hot coffee. The black cloak he wore rustled loudly in the winds that slid cold fingers across wherever cracks it could find, causing him to shiver and pull the cloak closer to no avail. He shivered once more, cursing the cold winds and turned his seat so that the wind was at his back. The midnight black cloak continued to rustle, creating background noise for him, and helping him keep silence at his table as he took occasional sips of the hot coffee. His brown hair was long, down to the middle of his back, bound by a hadori given to him by his sister...who he considered a special woman. He knew her to be one, having seen her struggle through amazing things. It would be a long time before he ever saw his world again and that caused his blue-grey hued eyes to close slowly, before being lost in memories of his world that he was now forbidden to enter...for a time.
They had colonized a new world similar to that of Earth. They called it the new Terra Firma, the new Earth. Already, it was being called Earth by its citizens, both new and old. But just as the old Earth was slowly dying, this one was young, still fairly new and having only recently settled long enough for Earth people to come here. It was quite far away from the old Earth, and interstellar travel had only been reached a century ago, interstellar communication 50 years ago. It was a great thing, this interstellar communication.
But he doubted that he'd ever see Old Earth again. The price of going back was too high now, and the spaceships that brought him here several years ago was now barred to him. War had its prices and advantages, but usually there were disadvantages for all that engaged in it. War was coming, and they were preparing for it, having decided to separate themselves from Old Earth's government. There was now a Galactic U.N. one that worked with the original Earth U.N. In fact, they were one and the same, but that was a little-known fact.
The G.U.N. had stepped in, and tried to mediate the fight that was rapidly degenerating into war. Only months before, the Galactic Courts had decided that Old Earth could not maintain governmental control over New Earth. Despite the communication technology created, it was simply too much for Old Earth to try governing New Earth. Things happened too fast to describe over the new communication gadgets.
But Old Earth tried nonetheless, and had finally decided to send its dreadnoughts out into space to bring New Earth back into its orbit and control. The politicians would never die. They were a virus that had no cure, unless both Earths did away with war. But that was highly unlikely, since politicians looked out first for themselves, then next, their loyalties. Ever since the olden ages on Old Earth...politicians continued to cause trouble, and continued to propose solutions that were too little, too late to fix mistakes that Old Earth's race had caused.
New Earth was a new chance in starting off right. Technology was slowly, but surely beginning to help reduce the mess that Old Earth made. But what was certain was that it was too late now to save Old Earth. Indeed, Old Earth was in the process of becoming inhospitable for the people that currently lived. Plans were in place to move everyone off Old Earth and bring them to New Earth. Unfortunately for Old Earthians, the New Earthians didn't want their new Earth to be spoiled beyond saving by the Old Earthians, since they would be coming with their habits, their items, and most definitely however much they could carry despite restraints on how much they could carry upon spaceships.
Another argument was that by the time those spaceships arrived, they would most likely be forced to look for another world to colonize, simply because of the fact that the New Earthians would be breeding, and introducing new children into this strange, yet familiar world. In this system was another viable world. That world probably would be colonized by the Old Earthians. But too many variables and permutations that seemed to be running into the thousands, perhaps millions, to the point where they would have to stop in their spaceship and look over New Earth and evaluate the viability of implanting the Old Earthians in the new world called New Earth.
But he shook his head, having thought upon it too much and needed to get away from the thinking that would soon be answered anyway by the New Earth's government. That, and the fact that the citizens would probably voice their opinions. Ahh! I'm thinking too much on this! But there's not much else to think on except what is going to happen. Well, what about war? That too, was a deadly subject to think about.
Wars may come and go, but my soldiers will stay eternal An apt saying, that one. Tupac must've known what he was talking about when he said that. He wondered if war would ever be disposed of, like a toy would be disposed of. Wars always come and go in one form and another. We're always fighting wars with one another. Or are they battles? Either way...we fight with words and actions. That was a sobering thought, even more so when it involved politicians. Those damned politicians always interfere in one way or another, knowing or unknowingly... A low growl emanated from his chest and throat, only to be snatched away by the whistling winds.
Too late, he realized that he'd left his coffee and let it go cold. "Damn it!" He stood up, then moved towards the cafe to his right. The door opened with some difficulty and much grunting as he pulled it against the wind and slipped inside. It slammed shut, catching on his cloak and causing him to make a sound. "Urk!" What the? It wasn't till he looked at the door that he realized what happened. That was smart, dumbass. He leaned against the door, forcing it open as much as possible before reaching out with a black-gloved hand to pull in the trapped cloak. Then the door slammed shut on him.
A snort was his reply to it, before turning to walk to the counter. "Black coffee. Some sugar. Nothing else." He placed his cup upon the counter before the pimply-faced young man just out of puberty and barely stepped into manhood. "Okay." Was the reply from the tenderer.
Minutes later, new coffee was handed to him in his cup. "$2.87, sir." He paid three dollars after getting his wallet. Then he turned and walked to a table standing by the windows, watching the world go by himself while he once again got involved in his thoughts.

Edit: Nuuuu! My formatting haff been screwed up by RPGateway! -Sob, sob- Oh wells....it'll do. For now!
A Fallen Warrior am I, as I lay upon my back, knowing as I raise my eyes to the skies, as I lose the battle of my life, that I will never see again...those that I love. Blood and tears flow gently down my face as I await the final judgment...knowing that I am forever free, yet forever damned as I close my eyes and release my breath for the final time...

Dovie'andi se tovya sagain....It's time to toss the dice...Mat Cauthon-Robert Jordan...Wheel of Time series

"How do you prove that you exist? Maybe we don't exist..." - Vivi

"Having sworn fealty, must I spend my life in servitude?" - Steiner

"To be forgotten is worse than death." - Freya

"The only dependable thing about the future is uncertainty." - Amarant.

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LitomoSilver
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Re: A Wanderer amidst the stars...[FB greatly requested!]

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Circ on Sat Aug 25, 2007 3:39 pm

I've been neglecting my role here. It is easy to stop looking after the severe drought in posts. See below for a partial review of your story.

The Good


Syntax: I definitely see a respectable grasp of the English language shining through in your writing.

Style: Very organized, structured, and procedural. The reader is always informed.

After reading your short story, I feel I have a perfect understanding of the situation between Terra Firma and Earth. Your efforts to write with clarity are good. You build upon what you have previously written, ensuring an even and steady progression of the story. The reader is always kept in the loop, and isn't forced into guessing games or speculation.

Your strongest point is clearly when you introduce a character and begin having it interact with the environment and other characters. The main character in your story has a distinct personality and behaviors that correspond proportionally to it.

The 'Meh'


Syntax: You have a slight tendency to abuse the ellipses(three dots). Although not all the time, when you used them, they strongly indicated your uncertainty in sentence phrasing; i.e., you used them as a catch all. That is not what they are for. See the Wikipedia link for more details on ellipses.

Style: Very little vocabulary shines through. You stick to plain English, and there is nothing wrong with that, but I personally feel that better word choice would have done a lot to improve the quality of the story.

For some reason, perhaps my headache or my mood in lieu of the quality of your writing, I found your post difficult to read and, at some points, downright confusing. The paragraphs on the variances and interactions between Terra Firma and Earth are unnecessarily complex and, I believe, disinteresting to a reader. It is best to keep that sort of information succinct and, alternatively, focus on the characters. Take the following sentence:

"Unfortunately for Old Earthians, the New Earthians didn't want their new Earth to be spoiled beyond saving by the Old Earthians, since they would be coming with their habits, their items, and most definitely however much they could carry despite restraints on how much they could carry upon spaceships."

The above sentence is unnecessarily complex for the idea you are representing. "Earth" appears four times in that sentence, and complicates your effort to differentiate between the old civilization and the new one. Ironically, for all its stumbling about and tripping over itself, the writing is somehow very taciturn; it is as though you are trying to encompass every detail while simultaneously avoiding descriptive language. Below is another example of where you do that:

"Walls surrounded the city, but did little to stop the winds that whistled its way past streets, homes and trees, down the fields that farmers had planted seeds of food, and of food for animals not too far from the city."

Do you see how you avoid describing anything while still going to extremes in order to explain what is happening?
conditio sine qua non

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Circ
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Re: A Wanderer amidst the stars...[FB greatly requested!]

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby LitomoSilver on Wed Aug 29, 2007 2:34 pm

I do. Though I tend to try using descriptive language. I do tend to do that, it seems.

While I try to not make my story complex, sometimes it happens with me being unaware of it.

I will try to not do that again, though I fear it'll happen again and again. I have made a copy of your partial review and will be making changes to the story. Hopefully the revised version will be much better, though I'll probably need a bit of help to use descriptive language and such and try not to avoid doing so. I think...I know what you mean by avoiding now after rereading your description.

And how do I keep such information succinct and focus on the characters? I have been considering on changing the locale of the story to another person's perspective and hopefully I'll be able to seamlessly integrate the two perspective and possibly more such perspective. I suppose, something like Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time series where the stories switches among characters and advance the plot that way.

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Re: A Wanderer amidst the stars...[FB greatly requested!]

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Circ on Fri Aug 31, 2007 8:36 pm

Complexity is a fine thing where appropriate. That is to say, a complex story is awesome, but complex analysis is too much like a text-book. That analysis is what you should be succinct with. Remove the circular reasoning and quibbling, and just be blunt when describing what is happening in the universe. Environment is okay, but readers generally don’t form an attachment to economy, foreign policy, or government. They fall in love with characters.

Focus on them.

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