Even More Golden Dawns Occult Adventures

The Cheese and Pickle Sandwich (Golden Dawns Occult Adventures)
Elijah stood gobsmacked and astonished at all these amazing treasures and ancient religious relics he found in Crowley's bag. The Holy Grail, the Ark of the Covenant, the staff of Hermes and the Philosophers Stone. What luck! Of course it did mean that the Philosophers Stone he currently had stashed in his basement under lock and key must be a fake...which would also explain its apparent inability to turn lead into gold. And it would also mean that the Holy Grail he had in his house under the sink must be a forgery for he'd never seen it glow or hovver as this one was doing... come to think of it the woman out of the second hand Holy Grail shop might have conned him. He cursed himself for being such a dummy! Of course the Holy Grail wouldn't be in a second hand Holy Grail shop, that was just silly.



Overjoyed that he actually had in his possession these objects of wonder, Elijah reached into the bag to see if there was anything else in there of interest. He found it wrapped up in brown paper, something small - ish.. quite soft... and there was something written on the front... he held it under the light the Grail was emitting and read the words out loud. "Cheese and Pickle on brown" It was obvious this was Aleister Crowley's lunch. So.. the evil schemer had plotted to send everyone else off into the future before lunch so he could enjoy this cheese and pickle sandwich on his own and not have to give anyone else a bite? Elijah was outraged... for he hadn't bothered to pack anything and it never even occured to him to do so... Crowley must have known the rest of the occultists were too lowly and stupid to have thought of something as simple as a packed lunch. His eyes narrowed on the carefully meticulously packed lunch before him. And he thought of something mischievous. He unwrapped the sandwich, it was brown bread and so very healthy. Now what could he find to put in this sandwich that would be absolutely disgusting? His eyes fell upon the ark of the covenant and a thought entered his mind... if the ark was what everyone said it was, then it was a magical object and would give him the power to... conjure up a tub of marmite... and so it was... in his hand appeared the marmite thus and he did spread it verily upon the sandwich that the beast was to eat. Then he carefully did wrap the sandwich back up and placed it on a rock where Aleister Crowley would be sure to find it, laughed evilly and put the magical objects back in the bag again. "That'll teach you Aleister Crowley!" He chortled and then set off again before the others could catch up with him.



Back with the others Cherrie and Beardy Bloke were talking about religion and God and that. They were the only ones talking which meant everybody had to listen to them, even if they pretended they were just looking round for badgers and strange trumped eared little things that live on the mountains called haggisses.



"When I get hold of Elijah..." Growled Cherrie angrily "His life won't be worth living... I'm going to make it a living Hell"



"Thats interesting..." Replied Beardy Bloke "Because you know Hell is where all sinners get sent to and all that..."



"Yeah so...?"



"Well what if the writers of the bible made a spelling mistake? What if its not sinners who get sent to Hell at all?"



"Excuse me?"



"Well consider this right - they made an error in translation - which is nobody's fault, not even Satan's"



"O..o...okay..."



"What if its not sinners that get sent to Hell but SINGERS!" Beardy Bloke paused as everyone else looked at him puzzled. He continued. "Well, its true that most people who go to church or are in choirs sound really bad and out of tune don't they? And has anyone ever heard Christian Rock?"



"Beardy Bloke, you really come out with some crap don't you?" Grumbled Crowley walking on ahead. "Look now we got rid of the Scottish poet, I'm sure we are on Elijah's tail, really close, I am sure I saw a light just over there, and I think thats him...though if it is he's opened my bag!" Crowley stamped his foot and muttered in German, something unintelligible, for if Elijah had opened the bag he might have found the Cheese and Pickle sandwich he'd been saving for lunch!



Gay Holmes and Dr. What came skipping up from behind (again excuse the pun), holding hands and looking lovingly into each others eyes. "I say Crowley old thing!" said Holmes holding something in his hand, it was a peice of grass turf. "I deduce that the culprit was certainly walking here only a few minutes ago and it seems he slipped on some local sheeps poo... here is the evidence..."



Crowley gazed at the disgusting bit of turf with wide mad eyes and his eye began to twitch again.

Great Hallucinations (Golden Dawns occult adventures)Crowley looked around frustrated and annoyed, especially since Mathers had recently sat down to enjoy a roast beef sandwich on white with wholegrains. Mathers stopped mid-bite as his eye caught Crowley's look of frustration and envy. "WHAT?" He asked and looked around - noticing that nobody had brought any food and felt quite smug with himself.

Beardy Bloke looked down ashamed that a clever bloke such as he was had not thought of packing a sandwich, and he was rather partial to a bit of Chicken Supreme on a bap, hold the mayo.

Cherrie searched her knapsack for something to eat but there was nothing...nothing at all... she was frustrated also but took out her gun and went to search for small mountain dwelling animals.

Dion Fortune also had not brought a sandwich but had remembered to bring a bag of salt and vinegar crisps and a mars bar, so she was alright.

Gay Holmes and What looked at each other and they both disappeared behind a rock, in the silence of the night they all heard chewing and sucking noises followed by moans of ecstacy and cries of "Oh Baby get your mouth round that!" and "Yes yes... oh give it to me oh sweet heaven!"



Crowley was even more incensed. Whatever it was they were eating he was sure at least 2000 calories were in it. Only he and Beardy Bloke hadn't had anything to eat, even Cherrie had caught herself a mountain dwelling rabbit and was currently ripping it to shreds with her gnashers, with every bite cursing Elijah in the worst possible way.

Moments later Gay Holmes and What came out from behind the rock, Holmes wiping his mouth and licking his lips.

"If everyone has finished!" Growled Crowley, I want to get a move on as Brother Elijah will be half way to Falkirk by now whilst you lot are sat here, devouring bunny rabbits, being all smug with... roast beef, and hiding behind rocks sucking whatever!" He glanced at Dion who's face was now all choclately. "But its alright if you eat Dion.. after all you've had a really bad night" He sympathised. She smiled and looked demure.



"I say Crowley old thing!" Guffawed Gay Holmes. "After such an activity... we do like to have a few smokes old man... I don't suppose you have any of those?"



Crowley thought for a moment, and reached inside his jacket and took out some cigarettes. "I didn't bring any tobacco, but don't worry, plenty of other... stuff, and I've got a couple of shots of something else intoxicating if anybody wants it!" He replied handing the cigarettes around. What he omitted to tell them was that the cigarettes were triple strength and the other intoxicating thing was also pretty strong. They all took a few puffs and walked along behind Crowley and Mathers as they searched for Elijah.

Beardy Bloke had never had a mind altering drug in all his life so this was a new experience for him. He puffed it and inhaled... it was actually rather nice so he had some more of it and more... and more...and he heard the strangest music from somewhere and it wasn't a hymn or a choral group or anything, it was "A Whiter Shade of Pale" By "Procul Harum" Even though they weren't even around at this time in history, Beardy Bloke had opened his consciousness to all time and space. The music filled his mind as his eyes began to look half shut and spaced out. He gazed around at his fellow occultists. There was Cherrie, she was so beautiful, wearing a frilly sky blue dress, sweet eyes, and curly locks, she was soooo sweet and pretty. He gazed at Dion Fortune who had turned into a big breasted beauty queen. Around her she wore a sash, it read "Miss Wonderbra"



"Hello Cherrie... hello Dion..." He slurred now imagining both women completely naked and posing for him."



He dragged his eyes away from the scene of beauty and glanced at MacGregor Mathers and Crowley. As he watched both occultists grew massive horns on their heads and looked like demons.

His eyes widened in shock and he stared at the cigarette and back to Crowley and Mathers. Everyone looked completely wierd, glancing round he saw that Gay Holmes and What also had horns, they were sticking out of the front of their pants and getting bigger. "Ohh...my God!" He whined.



Crowley turned around, smoking on his cigarette and looking equally out of it and off the planet. "Whats the matter with him?" He asked as he watched Dr. What flutter his big orange wings in the moonlight.



"I have no idea..." replied What, watching all the people around him madly making passionate love in the name of all things Evil. "I think he's just not used to drugs at all!"



"I should jolly well think not!" Guffawed Gay Holmes stroking the gigantic penis that had suddenly appeared next to him"



Cherrie laughed at everyone. It was obvious they were all hallucinating but she wasn't, oh no, she and Elijah were making love, Elijah was there, he was everywhere, he was everything. She looked at Crowley and he was Elijah, and so was What and Holmes and Mathers.. and Beardy Bloke. She turned to him liking Elijah's new pink beard and stroked it.



"Oh yeah man there is love in the world!" Yelled Crowley as the moonlight fell upon the most beautiful thing in the world. There on a rock was his Cheese and Pickle sandwich, still carefully wrapped and waiting for him. He ran to it as if in slow motion, the whole world around him was in slow motion, his smiling face gazed around in wonder as he ran slowly towards the beautiful sandwich. He watched with glee as everyone clapped and held each other and kissed and made love and everything was happening in slow motion... it would have been all the more beautiful if he hadn't tripped on the edge of a branch, falling flat on his face in the turf.



He dropped his cigarette and the knock on the head stopped the hallucinations. He picked up his sandwich. "The culprit is around here somewhere!" He roared. "Hear me Elijah, I will not stop till I find you!"



Nearby Elijah heard Crowley screaming but he was too out of it to care. In the bag he'd found the most enormous spliff and was currently listening to "A Whiter shade of Pale" By "Procul Harum" and sinking into the most beautiful dream.

Theological Discussion (Golden Dawns occult Adventures)

On and on the group trekked through the Cairngorms. Crowley looked behind him and saw that on the horizon dawn was breaking. That would make it around 4am-ish and that meant they only had four hours to find Elijah, get the stuff back and perform the time travel spell.

Beardy Bloke started singing "Morning has Broken" and slowly everyone else started to sing with him.



"Morning has broken like the first morning

Blackbird has spoken like the first bird.."



The song ended after a while and everybody felt good and nice and really cool, even Cherrie who normally only thought about Elijah. Her thoughts were changing though, now instead of thinking about Elijah she had started to wonder about Beardy Bloke's reaction if she boiled one of his pets... how would he deal with that? And would he be ok if she held a knife to his throat demanding to know where he had been? Hey maybe he would be alright with that.

Mathers walked next to Beardy bloke as they trekked across a rough patch of land. "Why are you always on about religion Beardy Bloke? And hymns and that? Whats so great about it?"



Beardy bloke laughed and walked up the mountain using his climbing pole to get good grip. "God is like this land, solid, everlasting, you stick your climbing pole in and you can climb up mountains. Suppose religion is your climbing pole, it can pull you up because its stuck in... God..." He continued giving Mathers a hand up.



"What an unusual analogy!" replied Mathers as Beardy bloke continued.



"There is a saying... if Mohammed won't go to the Mountain, the Mountain must come to Mohammed." Well the meaning of that is obvious. You see the Mountain refers to the Earth which is like God and everlasting. God desires Mohammeds pole (religion) to be stuck in him so he can climb up to the greatest of heights, but Mohammed doesn't want to go one day. So God obviously has to go to Mohammed otherwise the pole won't be stuck in him at all... its all very clear.. very simple.



"Sounds very simple to me!" Laughed Gay Holmes thinking about it. "I wonder where God got that idea... and the bible talks of not lying with a man as you would a woman because its wrong and sinful!"



"Aw well of course you don't lie with a man as you would a woman! You lie with him the way two men lie together, that has been interpreted wrongly." replied Beardy bloke enjoying all this attention."



"What about that passage in the bible, Exodus 22.18,which says a female sorceress must be killed?" Interjected Cherrie strangely interested in the discussion.



"Well its obvious there was an error in the translation!" Said Beardy Bloke "The text if read in hebrew actually states "A female sorceress must not be allowed to live...in Judea, because its quite smelly!"

You see what the text was expressly referring to was that Magickal females ought to be housed in palaces etc but not in Judea, because in those days the place stank to high heaven!" Continued Beardy bloke sounding quite smart. "See I know these things!" He beamed.



"Thats very interesting Beardy Bloke!" Said Dion thinking about it. "But that doesn't excuse the Church for killing millions of innocent women on the pretext that they were in fact witches. Even if they were witches its still no excuse for them to be murdered!"



Beardy bloke laughed and slapped his leg like he was in a pantomime or something. "You are quite right Dion!"

He replied "But the fact is, Jesus died for our sins, and even those sins are forgiven in the light of Christ!"



"But they perfomed these murders in Christs name!" Growled Crowley from higher up the mountain, and he looked back down at Beardy bloke who was helping everyone up a very difficult bit of turf. "Why don't you stop spewing religious crap and talk about something else!" Crowley said in a big mood. "I might be the Beast, or call myself 666 or even Baphomet, but do you see me or anyone I know killing innocent women in the name of some obscure son of God because of some silly words I read in a book? No you don't!" He said angrily "And furthermore, I never scared everyone in the whole world into believing something or else they are all going to Hell!" Crowley turned back to continue the climb but then something else occurred to him. "Also Beardy Bloke, if Christ died for everyone's sins like he was supposed to have done, surely the Witches if they were indeed sinners would have been automatically forgiven? Wouldn't they?"



They reached the top of the mountain and looked over the Cairngorms so beautiful in the morning rays. There prancing about and hugging trees and things was Elijah, obviously still high and out of it as he had smoked a really strong spliff not long ago!



Crowley raised his hands to heaven and cried "Hallelujah!" Elijah was still quite a bit away but hopefully they would catch up with him again before he spotted them coming.


Time Gentlemen Please (Golden Dawns Occult Adventures)


Crowley strode up to Elijah who was high as a kite and laughing at the world. He was singing "Hitler has only got one Ball.." When he suddenly turned and saw the dark master walking towards him with a distinct air of anger, only seeing as Elijah was currently off his head on a gigantic cigarette he found in A.C.s big bag of stuff he thought Aleister was a wood elf and not threatening at all. He skipped over to the dark master and smiled stupidly. "Welcome Wood Elf to our world - this is the Cairngorms... I'm Elijah.. " He grinned.



None too pleased, Crowley pinged him on the nose. "Less of it Moron, I've come for my bag, and my Magus robes and all my stuff that you stole...even if you are gorgeous and all, thats no excuse to steal! Though I must thank you for at least leaving my Cheese and pickle on brown sandwich!" He growled and turned to Mathers who was feeling kind of chilly wearing the kilt by now and was shivering with the cold.

"Mathers, hold this idiot a moment!" Ordered Crowley, smirking and opening his cheese and pickle sandwich.

Beardy bloke had to hold Cherrie back as she made a bee line for Elijah like a moth to a flame. "No Cherrie, he's not worth it!" He said trying to calm her down. Cherrie roared and screamed and fought to get out of Beardy bloke's grasp but it wasn't happening.



"I say!" Guffawed Gay Holmes mincing up to Elijah who was now in the irfutable grasp of Mathers, "You sir are now caught bang to rights, eh? What?" He chuckled "Now lets see.. character analysis... Dr. What if you will write this down... You are Brother Elijah, you don't have a girlfriend am I right?"

"Duh... no I have a stalker..." Grinned Elijah watching Gay Holmes prance around, his drugged state made him think Gay Holmes had pendulous breasts and a jester hat on..

"Gracious, however did you deduce that, Holmes?" Asked Dr What amazed that Gay Holmes could tell Elijah had no girlfriend.

"Elementary my dear What!" Chirped the famous Gay detective from baker street. "The man is too good looking for any woman to have hold of him.. he's a man's man alright..." He grinned and looked at Elijah with a look of longing, thinking Brother Elijah looked so handsome in Crowley's robes and crown.

Dion fortune shoved Gay Holmes out of the way and looked Elijah in the eye. "I'll have you know you covered me in a lot of lipstick!" She said trying to control her emotions. "It was a horrible experience... how could you?"

Elijah began to sober up somewhat and he realised what he had done to Dion. Nevertheless he was an exeptionally good looking man with a lot of charm, and so as Dion stood before him, he gave her a look no woman could resist. She, though well versed in magick and the seductive nature of beautiful males could not help herself and the pupils of her eyes grew larger. "Let him go, Mathers..." She sighed softly looking into his perfect green eyes.

Cherrie was incensed and managed to pull herself away from Beardy bloke's grasp, taking out two revolvers she headed straight for Elijah, Dion and that twat in the kilt, screaming like a mad woman. But all this was interruped by a blood curdling scream. One that stopped Cherrie in her tracks, one that made Mathers gasp in shock, one that scared even Gay Holmes and What, and made everyone turn around to see...



The Dark master knelt on the ground, his cheese and pickle on brown thrown on to the rocks before him, one large bite taken out of it...the carefully prepared cheese slices spilling out on to the cruel frosted Cairngorms, the pickle dashed to the Earths crust, as Aleister Crowley, the greatest dark occult master of the world, screamed out, clutching at his throat. Dion ran to his aid "No... Aleister.. what is it?" She fussed putting her arm around him. "Are you choking?"



"What's the matter with him?" Asked Cherrie, her guns still in her hand but she somehow wasn't thinking of Elijah, instead her eyes wandered to innocent Beardy bloke nearby, who smiled in a sort of grovelling simpering kind of way and melted her hard heart. Still she was a bit concerned about Crowley, she was one to inflict pain and suffering but this man's pain was so pitiful even she could not help herself.

Everyone was focussed on Crowley, even Mathers in his concern had unwittingly released his hold upon Elijah. As everyone watched Crowley's choking to death distraction, Elijah ran, picking up the bag again and he started off towards the dawn.



"I'm not choking to death Dion!" Rasped Aleister turning slowly to see Elijah running off into the dawn with his bag of stuff again. "Marmite!" He roared, his eyes red with anger and his hands in fists. "YOU!" He screamed at Elijah who glanced back.



He knew he was in trouble now, there was no way he was going to get away but he had to try.



Crowley got to his feet, Dion took a few steps back. She'd seen Aleister angry but this, this was unlike anything she had ever seen before and it terrified her. There he was like a volcano about to erupt, and he'd probably do just as much damage. His voice boomed out over the Cairngorms as Elijah was trying to run away. "You Swine De Court!" He yelled and raised his hands. From his fingertips emitted a great lightening flash as if there had been some thunderstorm. The lightening was dead on and hit Elijah in the backside and he dropped the bag, spilling the contents out on to the grass.



The Holy Grail hovvered in the air magickally, emitting light and what could be music if you listen. The ark of the covenant glowed brightly, pulsating over and over. Elijah picked up the living writhing staff of Hermes and the Philosophers stone in each hand, ignoring the pain in his backside caused by Crowley's lightening.



Crowley didn't care! He was on a rampage now and nothing and no one was going to stop him giving Elijah the thrashing of his life. This time Elijah wasn't going to run though, he thrust forth the staff in his hand with the living snakes on it. "N..now you get back Aleister Crowley... I've got a staff of Hermes and I'm not afraid to use it!" He sort of half stammered, trying to be tough.

Crowley nevertheless knew of the awesome power of the staff of Hermes... though he wasn't sure if Elijah knew what it could do or how to use it. He smiled sublime. "Alright Brother Elijah... use the staff..." He said raising an eyebrow.



Now Elijah didn't know that much about the Staff of Hermes at all except that it was held by the Greek God Hermes who was derived from the ancient Egyptian God Thoth. This same God was later named Mercury by the Romans. Hermes/Thoth was the messenger of the Gods, and the God of all magick and communication. Thinking on his wits Elijah raised the staff high into the air, but didn't count on the telegraph poles or wires nearby, the modern day carriers of information. He didn't even see them. "Great Staff of Hermes!" He began... and just as he did so, there was a flash of lightening as the staff seemed to connect and electrify the telegraph wires.



"Oh Balls!" Exclaimed Crowley who realised what Brother Elijah had just done. He'd harnessed communication, the first step in opening the time travel spell. "Brother Elijah, you really don't want to be using that..." He said trying to calm down. "Give me the staff and I'll forget about all the horrible things you've done and not torture you!"



What he didn't count on was that not only was Elijah being electocuted at this point, but he was being filled with all the knowledge of all time, the staff of Hermes connecting him to all the words in the world via the telegraph. It did mean he got some useless information about knitting and plants that was of no use to nobody, but also the greatest knowledge of the universe.. that Crowley wanted for himself.



Thus an empowered Elijah stood and looked directly at Crowley on the mountain, he was a bit higher up so was in a position of power. He picked up the philosophers stone and held it aloft in his other hand. "Behold the stone that can change lead into gold and things into other things... by ye Gods Crowley I shall change ye into a toad should ye take another step!"



Again Crowley was skeptical, okay he knew how to use the staff but did he really know what power the philosophers stone held? "Okay so.. use the blessed thing!" He replied and took one step forward just to tempt fate.



As expected Elijah held the stone aloft in one hand and the Staff of Hermes in the other, and the stone emitted a strange golden ray. Seeing it coming Crowley quickly defended himself with a small hand mirror that deflected the ray and instead it hit a small toad nearby and it turned into a very small man, a tiny replica of Aleister Crowley.



As the tiny thing screamed and ran away as fast as it could, the dark master realised Elijah had completed the second part of the spell...He had to do something to stop Brother Elijah opening the time portal and ruining everything. And so he gathered to him a ball of energy in his hands and when there was enough he directed it to Elijah.



Instead of being hurt or bowled over by the energy ball, the staff of Hermes absorbed all the power and channelled it through all the other objects, the ark of the covenant and the Holy Grail began to glow brighter and emitted a loud hum.



"Balls..." said Crowley realising he'd done a very stupid thing indeed. A large light appeared behind Elijah, it looked like a black hole after a few moments and into it went the Holy Grail, followed by the Ark of the Covenant. Elijah turned around to see it behind him. His beautiful hair blowing in the wind he lost his grip on the philosophers stone and it went flying in. He turned to face the people watching and back to the portal. He had a choice, stay and be tortured and used as a Gay sex slave, as well as be stalked all his life, or go into the portal to perhaps freedom and maybe find all these treasures again. It was no contest... slowly he took a step into the unknown, into the swirling mass before him and vanished.



Everybody stood gobsmacked and dumbfounded.... the portal remained open and was not closed.



"ELIJAH!" screamed Cherrie interrupting the silence that had struck everyone. She raced for the portal and ran off into it after him and was gone in an instant.



"Wait a minute Cherrie... Cherrie? I'm stuck!" Screamed Beardy Bloke who had tied himself to her with a bit of rope so she couldn't kill Elijah or anyone else for that matter. He was pulled into the portal and he vanished also.



Mathers walked up to the portal curious. He certainly didn't intend to step into it but an alien hand came out of it and pulled his kilt right off. Mathers was embarrassed and he tried to get the kilt back, but one step more pulled him into the portal and he was gone.



Then entranced by the time portal and still in love with Elijah, Dion Fortune walked right up to the portal and she was also gone.



Gay Holmes and What held hand and ran up to the portal. "I wonder if there's an orgy behind here?" Guffawed Gay Holmes.



"I don't know.. but tally ho... old bean!"



They too vanished into the light.



Crowley shrugged and shook his head. There was only one way he was going to get his stuff back and that was go into the portal. Heaven knows what time he would end up in but there was only this chance. And so in a mood he sighed a huge sigh and muttered something in German before stepping forward...he vanished.