Cassie's Room

June 23, 2012. 5:40 A.M.

"'mornin Cassie, want to go for a ride later?"
"Not today. I'm gonna go alone, I need to think. But, later I need to talk to you or Vidia. Or both. About something. It's really, really important. And Alexis do me a favor. Please, eat something. I act like I hate you and everyone else sometimes, but I can't lose you." I start walking away, but I turn my head back for a sec. "And just so we're clear if you tell anyone this, I'll deny it." A slight smile forms on my face.

In my room I slip out of my heather gray Abercrombie yoga shorts, and Victoria's Secret magenta tank top. I look at myself in the full length mirror and take a mental picture of my beauty. I grab my rainbow zebra pattern riding socks, breeches, navy blue Abercrombie polo, and thin black belt. I get my tall boots from the closet and lace them up.
I walk over to my record machine and put on the vinyl version of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" by Israel Kamakawiwo'ole

Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high
And the dreams that you dreamed of
Once in a lullaby ii ii iii o
Somewhere over the rainbow
Blue birds fly
And the dreams that you dreamed of
Dreams really do come true ooh ooooh
Someday I'll wish upon a star
Wake up where the clouds are far behind me ee ee eeh
Where trouble melts like lemon drops
High above the chimney tops that's where you'll find me oh
Somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly
And the dream that you dare to, why, oh why can't I? I iiii

Well I see trees of green and
Red roses too,
I'll watch them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world

Well I see skies of blue and I see clouds of white
And the brightness of day
I like the dark and I think to myself
What a wonderful world

The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people passing by
I see friends shaking hands
Saying, "How do you do?"
They're really saying, I... I love you
I hear babies cry and I watch them grow,
They'll learn much more
Than we'll know
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world (w)oohoorld

Someday I'll wish upon a star,
Wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where trouble melts like lemon drops
High above the chimney top that's where you'll find me
Oh, Somewhere over the rainbow way up high
And the dream that you dare to, why, oh why can't I? I hiii?

Once the song fades out, I walk out into the hall.

I get to my room without running into anyone. I shut the door and lock it. I curl up in my bed and bury my head in a pillow. I start crying and the pillow mutes out what would have been loud sobs.
When I'm done I sit up. Grabbing a tissue from my bedside table I dab my face. I pull off my belt and unlace my boots. I pull off my breeches and Polo. After they're all put away and organized I pick out a new outfit. Dark blue north side crop top and white shorts with white braided belt.

I pick up my phone and text Vidia: Hey I need to talk to you soon.

I put on some make-up to hide the fact that I had been crying. A little mascara, a little foundation, a little blush, not too much. I brush out my hair so it's silky soft.

You are strong, I say to my reflection in the mirror. You can get through this.

I put I Want To Hold Your Hand on the record player.

Oh yeah, I'll tell you something
I think you'll understand
When I say that something
I want to hold your hand

I want to hold your hand
I want to hold your hand

Oh please say to me
You'll let me be your man
And please say to me
You'll let me hold your hand

You'll let me hold your hand
I want to hold your hand

And when I touch you I feel happy inside
It's such a feeling that my love
I can't hide, I can't hide, I can't hide

Yeah, you got that something
I think you'll understand
When I say that something
I want to hold your hand

I want to hold your hand
I want to hold your hand

And when I touch you I feel happy inside
It's such a feeling that my love
I can't hide, I can't hide, I can't hide

Yeah, you got that something
I think you'll understand
When I feel that something
I want to hold your hand

I want to hold your hand
I want to hold your hand
I want to hold your hand

I hear David outside my door asking if I'm OK.
Then, the sudden sound of my mom banging on the door telling me to stop crying surprises me. Not the fact that she's screaming at me to appear perfect for guests who're coming over, but that's she's home. I'd be easier to love her if she wasn't always such a bitch. Once she called me Vidia and didn't even realize she'd made a mistake.
I turn off the record player and take a deep breath. I open the door to see David.
"I'm fine." I say quietly, "Don't you have to go get ready for the assholes mom invited over?"
I walk past him and down the hall. Taking another deep breath, I wall down the stairs.