Chaos E. Destroyer's Story

It was an EVIL day, in the town of Villsdale in eastern Silvera. The birds were chirping... and so on. Chaos wasn't aware of any of that, since he was spending time in an inn, away from all the chirping. If he were outside, he might've commented on how EVIL the chirping sounded. But as he was inside, the only thing he could comment on was the EVIL taste of the beer he was drinking. He used a drinking straw made of some exotic and EVIL substance called 'bamboo' to do it, since he was wearing a horned black helmet that prevented him from drinking it directly. He always wore his EVIL, black plate armor which rendered his true, and even more EVIL, form hidden to the eyes of others.
"Killing a monster?" Chaos asked as one of his minions entered the inn and made an announcement. Wouldn't killing it be just mean? But he did need some funding for his world domination campaign, and a hundred gold pieces was not a small amount by any means. Would being mean be justified if it was for the sake of EVIL? Maybe so, but still... "Do we really have to kill it? Aren't there other ways?" Chaos tried to think of any alternatives. Not to any of his surprise -he was EVIL, after all- he came up with one almost instantly.

"How about I convince it to join you among my minions? Would that not solve the problem?" He could use some more minions, too. The ones he had now were a good start for his legion of minions. They had their faults -Most were rude, for one- but they were good minions in the end. Still, he needed more than just them. The monster might be a good addition. The word 'monster' just screamed 'EVIL'. Maybe it would even be polite.
Chaos made a small nod as he decided on this course of action. Like any incarnation of EVIL, he would try to convince the monster to join them. Just like he had convinced the minions he had with him now in this inn.

Chaos was rather surprised when Ea politely told him that she was not so fond of the word 'minion'. Well, maybe not quite so politely. Though Ea was one of his strongest new-word-not-yet-decided-s, and was usually charming, she occasionally acted very rudely. Chaos was not very happy about that, so he would have to teach her some proper etiquette some day. He'd have to be delicate, though, in order to avoid hurting her feelings. After all, she had just proven again that she was easily offended, even by such normal words as 'minion'. What would be an EVIL, non-offensive word to use instead? 'Henchman'? Or, woman, in this case. Maybe just 'henchperson', so he could use the same word for all of his minions. Or he could opt to use 'underling' instead. 'Servant'? 'Lackey'? 'Cohort'? He'd have to ask Ea's opinion later.
He turned his attention to the others after reaching what could be called a conclusion. He realized that they'd been talking while he had been immersed in his thoughts about politically correct -and EVIL- vocabulary. He didn't remember what they had said, since he hadn't paid attention, and he didn't want to inconvenience them by asking them to repeat themselves. Well, not that he could, since Belen, one of the minions, stood up and left the inn. Chaos stared after him for a moment, EVILly. Belen was, while sometimes a bit blunt, not a mean person. A good addition to Chaos's EVIL legion. Though there was a source of great bewilderment to Chaos regarding the man. He sometimes showed signs of having poor eyesight, yet he used a bow as his weapon of choice. He had never quite understood how Belen managed to hit his targets with that kind of weakness. And he didn't want to pry. All EVIL had its secrets.

Chaos shrugged -causing his armor to screech as the metal parts ground together- deciding that it did not matter what his minions had said. After all, they'd be the ones doing the work, and would know what to do. He trusted in them completely. That was the essence of EVIL. Trustworthy minions and a wise overlord. He was certain that none of his minions would disagree about him being wise.
He pulled his bamboo drinking straw out of his now empty ale mug and signaled the innkeeper for a refill. He pulled a small silver coin out of the pouch tied at his waist, so that he'd be ready to pay when the drink arrived. While waiting, he glanced towards Beleth, the other person in the group who'd been drinking ale. She was a powerful minion indeed, capable of many, many things. However, it was a sad fact that she was, by far, the least EVIL of all his minions. Well, there was a chance that Chaos might be able to teach her the true meaning of EVIL some day.
As his refill arrived, Chaos realized that he actually had heard something that Beleth had said, and remembered what it was. "I still do think that I should approach this monster first and try talking to it. Even if I fail -though I highly doubt it- I'd give you time to prepare to attack, if necessary. I really do need to make my EVIL legion greater."
As he was saying this, another of his minions left. The one called Zenin. He was a bit odd. Chaos always thought that his way of speaking was strange. Maybe he'd hit his head at some point. But that aside, he was very useful. As rude as sneaking and disguising oneself were, they were very useful abilities for a minion to have. So even though Zenin was odd, he had a place within Chaos's EVIL legions.

Chaos leaned back, drinking his ale through the straw. He had some thinking to do. Not about the monster-recruiting -he'd leave the plans to his minions- but about the important matter of what he should call the members of his legions, since Ea took offense at the use of the word 'minion'. Maybe he'd discuss it with her if she had some free time.

Chaos stared at Ea blankly as she spoke to him. Sometimes she simply didn't make any sense. The incarnation of EVIL was about to explain to her how an EVIL overlord couldn't have equals, and definitely not a mistress, using a gentle -yet EVIL- voice, the kind you use when talking to a child, but before he got the chance to say anything, he could hear noise coming from outside. He quickly drank the rest of the ale through his valuable bamboo straw, wiped the straw clean with a piece of cloth he'd set onto the table, put it into another pouch at his waist, stood up, and headed outside to see what the commotion was about, to summarize. He didn't notice that the minion he always forgot about, Yauz, had woken up.
Not very long after he had left the inn, he spotted the cause of the noise. It was definitely not hard to do so, considering how gigantic it was. A humongous monster, one that looked particularly EVIL, was being knocked down over and over again by Ea, but was seemingly unharmed. For some reason, it reminded Chaos of himself. It would make an excellent addition to his legion.

Full of determination, Chaos walked up to the monster. "Greetings! I am Chaos, the EVIL overlord who sha-" He started giving his speech, but was interrupted by a very large foot coming at him at a high speed. A moment later, he was moving away from the monster in a magnificent arc, soaring through the sky... Or, well, he was not that high up, but his flight was certainly magnificent.
He hit the ground with a very heavy thud. He did not feel pain, of course. No true EVIL felt pain. Nor did EVIL have broken bones. Probably. Or bruises. His heavy armor, with its outer hard surface and its inner padding, had protected him from most of the damage. And since he was EVIL, the rest of the damage was definitely not something that could break bones, or anything of the like.
After a moment of lying down where he'd landed -his own choice, obviously, since EVIL is never immobilized by pain- he stood up slowly. Being as EVIL as he was, and having had things like this happen to him several times before, he'd grown used to it. After checking that he was still as EVIL as before -he was definitely not checking for broken bones- he headed back to the monster, walking a bit more slowly this time.

As he came back to the monster, he started his speech over. "Greetings, I am Chaos, the-" And he decided to fly away in a graceful arc yet again. This time, his landing happened inside the inn he'd been in earlier, managing to go straight through the roof, through the upper floor, and straight onto a table at the ground floor, breaking it, obviously. It was the same table he'd been sitting at. What an EVIL turn of events.

Meanwhile, Chaos was still lying where he'd been kicked, in the midst of an innumerable amount of splinters of wood. Anyone looking would probably immediately assume that he was dead, or at least dying. He wasn't, of course. EVIL did not die. Though he was not, by any means, in top shape anymore. Even with his armor's excellent padding and the absurd resilience of his body, he hadn't exactly been just pushed down the stairs or anything. He'd been kicked twice by a huge monster and fallen down twice from who knows how high, the second time including crashing through an entire building. No one, not even an EVIL overlord like him, escaped something like that completely unscathed. If he weren't so EVIL, he'd have several broken bones all around his body, his lungs would be partially crushed, making it hard for him to breathe, and even where he didn't have broken bones, he'd be severely bruised and unable to use several of his muscles. Of course, since he was utterly EVIL, none of those things was an issue. The fact that he was still lying where he'd fallen was obviously his own choice. Whatever damage he'd taken was obviously minor. He was EVIL, after all.

Chaos closed his eyes while listening to the sounds of the somewhat one-sided fighting going on outside. His minions would be able to do the job. After all, with his great leadership, his peerless tactics and the grand inspiration he gave to his minions, there was not even the slightest chance they would lose. So he could take a moment to rest.
Moments later, he was once again in the Castle EVIL built in the Mountains of EVIL, sitting on his EVIL throne in the EVIL throne room, surrounded by EVIL minions. They were all singing the praise of their EVIL overlord, living happily under his EVIL rule. And since they were happy and EVIL, Chaos was happy and even more EVIL. Chaos wanted to bake cookies for his minions, to thank them for all the EVIL they had done. But he should first participate EVIL feast they had prepared for him before starting to make food of his own.
It was obviously not a dream. To doubt its reality would be like doubting Chaos's EVILness, and, well, that would be just plain ridiculous.

He opened his eyes after a while. The fighting was still going on outside. Chaos thought about trying to convince the monster one more time. He began to slowly, very slowly, stand up, without feeling any pain. After he'd finally gotten up to his feet, he started towards the door of the building. On the way there, however, he felt a sudden urge to sit down. It had nothing to do with how someone's knees might theoretically be in pain from being practically broken. He sat down onto a chair close to the exit, and raised his hand to signal the cowering innkeeper. "One mug of ale, please", Chaos said, pulling out another silver coin. After some hesitation, the innkeeper brought him the drink. Business was business, after all, giant monsters rampaging outside aside. Chaos pulled out his bamboo straw and began to drink while watching out the window at the battle that was still going on.

Chaos kept drinking his ale while watching the battle. He noticed Aurora, whom he had conveniently forgotten about before due to the fact that her existence had been concealed by higher powers, yet was now suddenly remembered again by all the members of the group, jumping into the fray. Now that he suddenly remembered her again, he thought she was a sweet girl, with great potential for EVIL. She'd need some training before her potential was realized, however.
And then Zenin was eaten. It was always a bit disturbing a thing to watch, but at least it seemed like Zenin had given Ea permission to do so. So it wasn't that bad. He did hope that the girl would eat something else instead. Like cookies. His cookies would surely have a similar effect. Well, a bit too late now, perhaps, since Ea already had eaten the shapeshifter and gone Super Saiyan had her massive boost in power. In that state, she truly was powerful -not as powerful as Chaos, of course, who was EVIL, but still powerful.
Suddenly, he realized something. Cheered by this idea, Chaos stood up and headed over to the large bag where he kept his belongings. Since he definitely did not have any broken bones, moving was not an issue. He went through it for a moment before taking out a positively EVIL looking small jewelry box, made of ivory with silver engravings, decorated by ornate carvings. It looked ridiculously valuable. And EVIL, of course. Smiling EVILly, holding the box in his hands, he headed out of the inn.

The battle had already ended. His minions had won, as expected. They were his chosen minions, after all, so there was no way they would lose. Though he had considered the monster a potential minion as well, so it may not have been an easy fight. In any case, they had won, so there was something he needed to do.
He walked towards where his minions had assembled, slowly -which was certainly not due to pain or anything of the like. He was EVIL, after all. He arrived, and took an EVIL pose. He quickly looked them over, and realized that Belen was not there. And neither was Zenin, who had been eaten, obviously. Well, he'd have to deal with them later. This was too good an opportunity for him to pass up. He took a deep breath, and then spoke with a loud voice, making sure they, and all the people around them, heard him clearly. And with an EVIL, well-practiced voice, different from his usual one.
"Well done, my minions. You are to be praised. For the great EVIL you have committed, you will be rewarded." He showed them the box he was holding, and opened it, showing them what was inside. "You may take one." Then he hesitated for a moment, and when he continued speaking, he had reverted to his usual tone. "Or two, if you really want to. Maybe even three. I wouldn't want you to be unsatisfied."
Inside the very expensive-looking jewerly box were cookies.