IDK

{FANFIC FROM EARLIER DAYS (JUST SO I DON'T LOSE IT)}


The venting in the room vibrates throughout the area. It purrs throughout the walls and down to the floor where it gives a tingling sensation in her feet. The soft humming of the vent seems so loud in the empty room. It's all she can focus on at the moment because she refuses to focus on anything else. Not now. The heated air gently caressed her tear-stained cheeks and her slender fingers as she picked at the tiny loose skin hanging around her nails.




The small lamp hung loosely over the empty hospital bed as it flickered as if it were about to burn out any second. It was the only light source in the dark hospital room, with the blinds closed and the darkness of the night peeking out between them. She had no idea how long she had been in the room, staring at the neat and made bed as if it hadn't been touched at all. She looked around the room, her vision still blurry from unshed tears. At the moment, the venting had made a small cough and then had stopped the heat from coming out. The silence had become so loud. She could hear the lamp buzz and her own heart thump, and all of the sudden she could hear the click of the door opening behind her too.




The clicking noise had startled her, making her slightly jolt in the chair she was occupying. The noise sounded so foreign, unlike the hums of the vent and the buzz of the light did. She quickly remembered though what the sound was, but didn't bother to turn around to see who it was. She was afraid it was one of the nurses coming to tell her it was time to go again, but she soon realized it wasn't a nurse at all.




"Scully."




This voice, however, didn't sound foreign to her. She could recognize it from anywhere. She turned her head to see Mulder standing there in the doorway of the room, silently requesting her permission to enter. She didn't say anything in return but instead looked him in the eyes before turning back to face the bed again. Not being stopped, Mulder slowly walked over beside Scully in her chair. He somehow knew that, from the look in her eyes, she needed someone right now... but she couldn't say it with words. She heard the soft clicks of his shoes hitting the tiled floor and she didn't bother to look up at him once the clicking stopped and he was right beside her.




"She's gone." Her voice sounded scratchy and unlike her usual voice as she said it. She still didn't look up at him because she knew if she were to look into his eyes again that the tears would pool over and she'd breakdown. She doesn't need to do that in front of him. He'll get worried and he'll continue to be worried even after to fact. 'I don't want him to feel like he needs to protect me.'




He slowly knelt down beside her, not having another chair to sit in. She heard the soft pop of his knee while he did so and she slowly gathered up the courage to speak and began explaining what happened. Her voice cracked on some words as she explained how she had been there three hours earlier, how she went into surgery and how her blood pressure began to rise and how she just... left. Just like that. Her voice turned into more of a hushed whisper as she completely her sentence then gathered the courage to look up into Mulder's concerned hazel eyes with her sad blue ones.




"She died for me... and I tried to tell her I was sorry but I don't think she'll ever really know." Her voice cracked a the end as she felt the lump in her throat begin to choke her, choke back the tears she was trying so desperately hard to hold back. She felt his hand gently fall into her lap and latch onto her hand, their fingers slowly intertwining and his warm hands heating up her cold ones.




"She knew, Scully. Melissa knew." He whispered back, watching a small tear escape from her eye and feeling like he wanted to bring up his hand and wipe it away and caress her cheek, but he bit back and told himself not to.




"You were right, Mulder. There is no justice." She said firmly as she looked at him and blinked her tears back. She leaned her elbow on the arm of the chair and brought her hand up to cover her nose to avoid it from running as she felt her emotions slowly begin to take over and like the dam was breaking.




"I don't think this is about justice, Scully." He said calmly.




"Than what is it about?" She bit back.




"I don't think we have a personal choice. I think it's about fate. I think the truth is in the X-Files and we have to keep looking." He said, still looking at her in the eyes. She paused for a moment, taking in what he had just said. She didn't know whether or not she believed in fate, but in some cases she just had to.




Scully looked down from him and looked at her lap and their hands. She didn't say anything back to him, because she somehow knew he was right and that she didn't need to argue.




"Skinner told me he had talked to you. He told me that you wanted to head back to work right away—"




"I need something to put my back up against, Mulder. I need something to hold me up and keep me going." She said, partly interrupting the end of his sentence as her eyes snapped back up to look at his. She soon began to realize what she was saying. She had no personal life outside of being an FBI agent. She had no one else. She had nothing else. Her job was her life and she never even bothered to think about what she even does outside of it. She was lonely without her job. Completely alone. Her lip began gently quivering as she felt the warm tears itching back into her eyes. Her hand became sweaty from the work of trying to hold back her emotions and Mulder gently squeezed her hand, causing her to look up at him once again.




"Me too, Scully. After all we've lost." He said quietly without hesitation as he watched her face go blank while listening to him speak and then her eyebrows furrowing in realization and sadness with her lip quiver more than it was before as warm tears begin leaking down from her already puffy red eyes.




"Mulder, I—" She began saying but her voice cracked and she felt the tears beginning to pool out of her eyes as she unlatched her hand from his and brought both hands up to cover her already tired out face. She began slightly crying, the sad noise muffled from her hands as Mulder quickly faced his whole body towards her and wrapped his arms around her tiny frame. He let her bury her face into the coat over his chest as her slight cries soon began sobs that racked her small body. He held her close, caressing her red locks with his fingers as he rested his head on top of hers. He didn't say anything. They let the silence and the loving touches soothe one another in moments like these.




"Mulder, I didn't even get to say goodbye." She muffled out the choked words between sobs. "She was my only sister. I loved her. It was supposed to be me." She said between her desperate cries and Mulder slowly brought his arms from around her onto the sides of her face as he gently pulled her away so they met eye-to-eye once again.




"This wasn't you're fault nor hers. This wasn't supposed to happen to anybody, Scully. Do you hear me?" He said firmly but gently as she felt the lump in her throat slowly begin to disappear as he wiped her tears away with his thumbs. She looked up at him, her eyes an impossible ocean blue.




"Then why do these things still happen if they're not supposed to?" She asked quietly, feeling her cries slowly soften. He paused for a moment and seemed to be lost in her eyes. It was a question they both knew either one of them could answer. It was a question that really had no answer. No one can explain why these things happen to people. Why death seems to latch on to someone at the most crucial moments in life and take them away. Why someone is taken away from somebody who is already broken inside. It can't be explained. Instead, Mulder shook his head and gently smoothed her hair back behind her ear with his fingers. He wish he could answer her. He wish he held the answers, but he simply didn't. No one did.




"Let me take you home, Scully." He said after moments of silence and just gazing into each other's eyes. She slowly nodded, knowing it was the best thing to do at the moment and get home to get some much needed sleep. They both needed it. It was late at night, and Scully had already completely exhausted herself out from the events that took place in the day. He gently took his hands back from her face and she immediately felt her face go cold again, like his hands were keeping her protected. He stood up and she slowly stood up from the chair with him. She tucked her hair behind her ears as she watched him take her coat from behind the chair and hold it up for her to put her arms into.




She slightly smiled at him and he smiled back as she walked over and put her arms in the sleeves of her coat. "Thank you, Mulder." She quietly said. He nodded. He knew she wasn't just thanking him for being a gentleman and helping her with her coat, he knew she was thanking him for much more. For coming to see her. For staying with her. For letting her weep in his arms. For taking care of her.




Mulder walked towards the door and opened it, looking back at Scully as she fixed up her coat. She walked towards him as she put her hands up under her hair and lifted her hair up from the hood of the coat so it wasn't stuffed in. Suddenly, her fingers brushed against the small band-aid that was covering up the cut that had been made when she went to get that unknown chip out from inside her neck. She still had no idea where it came from, and the thought of it again made her pause and her eyes widen.




"Everything alright, Scully?" Mulder asked, bringing her out of her daze. She looked up at him and quickly brought her hands back to her sides.




"Uh... Yes, I'm fine. Let's go." She said with a forced smile as he continued holding the door open for her and let her pass through first before he gently shut the door behind them and followed her. She had accepting herself and allowed herself to cry in front of him and let him comfort her, but she had no idea how to even begin to explain to him what she had found implanted in the back of her neck. She had no idea how he would react. But the time will come and she'll someday once again open herself up and explain her worries and thoughts to him, just like she had before. It felt like one thing after the other. Mulder had just come back when she had no idea where he had gone. After that, her sister had passed away... all in the span of a couple of days. She felt like bad things just kept coming, but she had to find ways to make them good things. She doesn't regret opening up to Mulder, and she doesn't regret a single day with him.




Well, maybe that Flukeman day. She could live without that.

{FANFIC FROM EARLIER DAYS (JUST SO I DON'T LOSE IT)}


The venting in the room vibrates throughout the area. It purrs throughout the walls and down to the floor where it gives a tingling sensation in her feet. The soft humming of the vent seems so loud in the empty room. It's all she can focus on at the moment because she refuses to focus on anything else. Not now. The heated air gently caressed her tear-stained cheeks and her slender fingers as she picked at the tiny loose skin hanging around her nails.




The small lamp hung loosely over the empty hospital bed as it flickered as if it were about to burn out any second. It was the only light source in the dark hospital room, with the blinds closed and the darkness of the night peeking out between them. She had no idea how long she had been in the room, staring at the neat and made bed as if it hadn't been touched at all. She looked around the room, her vision still blurry from unshed tears. At the moment, the venting had made a small cough and then had stopped the heat from coming out. The silence had become so loud. She could hear the lamp buzz and her own heart thump, and all of the sudden she could hear the click of the door opening behind her too.




The clicking noise had startled her, making her slightly jolt in the chair she was occupying. The noise sounded so foreign, unlike the hums of the vent and the buzz of the light did. She quickly remembered though what the sound was, but didn't bother to turn around to see who it was. She was afraid it was one of the nurses coming to tell her it was time to go again, but she soon realized it wasn't a nurse at all.




"Scully."




This voice, however, didn't sound foreign to her. She could recognize it from anywhere. She turned her head to see Mulder standing there in the doorway of the room, silently requesting her permission to enter. She didn't say anything in return but instead looked him in the eyes before turning back to face the bed again. Not being stopped, Mulder slowly walked over beside Scully in her chair. He somehow knew that, from the look in her eyes, she needed someone right now... but she couldn't say it with words. She heard the soft clicks of his shoes hitting the tiled floor and she didn't bother to look up at him once the clicking stopped and he was right beside her.




"She's gone." Her voice sounded scratchy and unlike her usual voice as she said it. She still didn't look up at him because she knew if she were to look into his eyes again that the tears would pool over and she'd breakdown. She doesn't need to do that in front of him. He'll get worried and he'll continue to be worried even after to fact. 'I don't want him to feel like he needs to protect me.'




He slowly knelt down beside her, not having another chair to sit in. She heard the soft pop of his knee while he did so and she slowly gathered up the courage to speak and began explaining what happened. Her voice cracked on some words as she explained how she had been there three hours earlier, how she went into surgery and how her blood pressure began to rise and how she just... left. Just like that. Her voice turned into more of a hushed whisper as she completely her sentence then gathered the courage to look up into Mulder's concerned hazel eyes with her sad blue ones.




"She died for me... and I tried to tell her I was sorry but I don't think she'll ever really know." Her voice cracked a the end as she felt the lump in her throat begin to choke her, choke back the tears she was trying so desperately hard to hold back. She felt his hand gently fall into her lap and latch onto her hand, their fingers slowly intertwining and his warm hands heating up her cold ones.




"She knew, Scully. Melissa knew." He whispered back, watching a small tear escape from her eye and feeling like he wanted to bring up his hand and wipe it away and caress her cheek, but he bit back and told himself not to.




"You were right, Mulder. There is no justice." She said firmly as she looked at him and blinked her tears back. She leaned her elbow on the arm of the chair and brought her hand up to cover her nose to avoid it from running as she felt her emotions slowly begin to take over and like the dam was breaking.




"I don't think this is about justice, Scully." He said calmly.




"Than what is it about?" She bit back.




"I don't think we have a personal choice. I think it's about fate. I think the truth is in the X-Files and we have to keep looking." He said, still looking at her in the eyes. She paused for a moment, taking in what he had just said. She didn't know whether or not she believed in fate, but in some cases she just had to.




Scully looked down from him and looked at her lap and their hands. She didn't say anything back to him, because she somehow knew he was right and that she didn't need to argue.




"Skinner told me he had talked to you. He told me that you wanted to head back to work right away—"




"I need something to put my back up against, Mulder. I need something to hold me up and keep me going." She said, partly interrupting the end of his sentence as her eyes snapped back up to look at his. She soon began to realize what she was saying. She had no personal life outside of being an FBI agent. She had no one else. She had nothing else. Her job was her life and she never even bothered to think about what she even does outside of it. She was lonely without her job. Completely alone. Her lip began gently quivering as she felt the warm tears itching back into her eyes. Her hand became sweaty from the work of trying to hold back her emotions and Mulder gently squeezed her hand, causing her to look up at him once again.




"Me too, Scully. After all we've lost." He said quietly without hesitation as he watched her face go blank while listening to him speak and then her eyebrows furrowing in realization and sadness with her lip quiver more than it was before as warm tears begin leaking down from her already puffy red eyes.




"Mulder, I—" She began saying but her voice cracked and she felt the tears beginning to pool out of her eyes as she unlatched her hand from his and brought both hands up to cover her already tired out face. She began slightly crying, the sad noise muffled from her hands as Mulder quickly faced his whole body towards her and wrapped his arms around her tiny frame. He let her bury her face into the coat over his chest as her slight cries soon began sobs that racked her small body. He held her close, caressing her red locks with his fingers as he rested his head on top of hers. He didn't say anything. They let the silence and the loving touches soothe one another in moments like these.




"Mulder, I didn't even get to say goodbye." She muffled out the choked words between sobs. "She was my only sister. I loved her. It was supposed to be me." She said between her desperate cries and Mulder slowly brought his arms from around her onto the sides of her face as he gently pulled her away so they met eye-to-eye once again.




"This wasn't you're fault nor hers. This wasn't supposed to happen to anybody, Scully. Do you hear me?" He said firmly but gently as she felt the lump in her throat slowly begin to disappear as he wiped her tears away with his thumbs. She looked up at him, her eyes an impossible ocean blue.




"Then why do these things still happen if they're not supposed to?" She asked quietly, feeling her cries slowly soften. He paused for a moment and seemed to be lost in her eyes. It was a question they both knew either one of them could answer. It was a question that really had no answer. No one can explain why these things happen to people. Why death seems to latch on to someone at the most crucial moments in life and take them away. Why someone is taken away from somebody who is already broken inside. It can't be explained. Instead, Mulder shook his head and gently smoothed her hair back behind her ear with his fingers. He wish he could answer her. He wish he held the answers, but he simply didn't. No one did.




"Let me take you home, Scully." He said after moments of silence and just gazing into each other's eyes. She slowly nodded, knowing it was the best thing to do at the moment and get home to get some much needed sleep. They both needed it. It was late at night, and Scully had already completely exhausted herself out from the events that took place in the day. He gently took his hands back from her face and she immediately felt her face go cold again, like his hands were keeping her protected. He stood up and she slowly stood up from the chair with him. She tucked her hair behind her ears as she watched him take her coat from behind the chair and hold it up for her to put her arms into.




She slightly smiled at him and he smiled back as she walked over and put her arms in the sleeves of her coat. "Thank you, Mulder." She quietly said. He nodded. He knew she wasn't just thanking him for being a gentleman and helping her with her coat, he knew she was thanking him for much more. For coming to see her. For staying with her. For letting her weep in his arms. For taking care of her.




Mulder walked towards the door and opened it, looking back at Scully as she fixed up her coat. She walked towards him as she put her hands up under her hair and lifted her hair up from the hood of the coat so it wasn't stuffed in. Suddenly, her fingers brushed against the small band-aid that was covering up the cut that had been made when she went to get that unknown chip out from inside her neck. She still had no idea where it came from, and the thought of it again made her pause and her eyes widen.




"Everything alright, Scully?" Mulder asked, bringing her out of her daze. She looked up at him and quickly brought her hands back to her sides.




"Uh... Yes, I'm fine. Let's go." She said with a forced smile as he continued holding the door open for her and let her pass through first before he gently shut the door behind them and followed her. She had accepting herself and allowed herself to cry in front of him and let him comfort her, but she had no idea how to even begin to explain to him what she had found implanted in the back of her neck. She had no idea how he would react. But the time will come and she'll someday once again open herself up and explain her worries and thoughts to him, just like she had before. It felt like one thing after the other. Mulder had just come back when she had no idea where he had gone. After that, her sister had passed away... all in the span of a couple of days. She felt like bad things just kept coming, but she had to find ways to make them good things. She doesn't regret opening up to Mulder, and she doesn't regret a single day with him.




Well, maybe that Flukeman day. She could live without that.