:m a g n u s:
I would have told him that yes, I did want soup, but my reaction time was significantly altered because I was still a little offended at his removal of my hand. I was sitting there trying to comfort him and he just got up like he was fine and started offering me food instead. Well then no, I wasn't hungry, but I'd eat whatever he wanted to serve me because I like Latvian food. Latvians don't get enough acknowledgement for how good their food is, or for really anything for that matter. But they should be. They should be acknowledged the same way ninjas and sporks are. Latvians are amazing people, and amazing things need to be acknowledged for their amazingness. What is the purpose of something in this world if people won't embrace it and cherish it in all its uniqueness? I'm sure they'll still function, but will it ever really be wholly alive and thirving? No. No it won't. It's half the reason why I get so pissed over Monika staying home all the time and hiding from the world. Not that anyone deserves to see him, but they would love him if he'd just come out and be social. I know it's not all his fault, but.... God, if he had an older brother he could just dump the little terrors on him and keep Niko.
So, anyway, as I was about to answer him, he walked away. I know that someone was knocking on the door, but he was in no condition to be on his feet anyway. I just wanted him to lay down on the couch with me sitting on the floor next to him and we'd have a huge bowl of popcorn to share between us while we watched something that I'd brought over from my place because Monika really doesn't have anything decent that I can understand. National Geographic doesn't count. I wanted to watch some real TV with him, like Video On Trial or Iron Chef: America. I wanted to put on something that would scare him until he was begging me to get up and sit with him, which of course I would, because I've (almost) never neglected him when he needed me most. Especially when he was scared. There was a certain vulnerability that I just couldn't ignore; sometimes I found myself considering ways to bring out his vulnerability without putting him in danger, and as he grew up I found it harder and harder to find the Monika that still needed me. I wasn't sure I liked him so independant. Then again, I didn't like seeing him, usually so strong, crying like a baby and not even caring if I saw him. That hurt. That hurt worse than thinking that he might not need me to protect him anymore.
It was when I heard his voice and that of another male that I actually dropped my little pout and looked up in interest. Monika didn't sound very happy. I actually straightened up when I heard him drop the F-Bomb, and I knew I had reason to worry now. I don't think I'd ever heard that out of him before, and maybe I was a little disturbed. Something was happening between us. He was hiding things from me, and I know he was old enough to have his own life, but.... It made me wonder what else he wasn't telling me, but I wouldn't have to wonder for very long. He brought that asshole, the one that'd upset him into cursing, into the kitchen and introduced us. I knew already â even before Monika mentioned that this Bradley was his ex â that I didn't like him. He just looked like a cocky bastard, like that Summit Bailey who graduated from Sanctuary Gardens, an elite private school and apparently that meant he was better than everyone else in the class. Well, I'll tell you something. He switched out that class that we'd had together for something else because he couldn't handle it. Not that it's hard or anything, but I guess blondie just wasn't smart enough. Summit Bailey couldn't handle the heat of astronomy. Then again, I don't know if it matters but a few years later I'd be forced out of a class I'd registered for almost six months in advance, dropped out of school and decided to manage the career of a teenage singing sensation in the States. Don't ask why my life goes in that direction. It just does.
Bradley's comment kind of stunned me, the one about sleeping with Monika. It stunned me to the point where I didn't even want to look at that poor innocent thing that used to be someone I knew. I thought I knew him, but I was seriously questioning that now. Slowly, I turned to stare at Monika, looking him up and down and trying to figure out how any of this was even possible. Yeah I was still going to beat Bradley to a pulp, but first I had to think. Tiny little Monika, my homosexual friend.... If I thought about it, he was probably on the bottom, and that meant things that made me stand up and move over next to him.
"Yes, Monika is my best friend, but that doesn't mean anything." I would've wrapped an arm around him to keep him close, but that was... and with those thoughts... I.... Woah. Why the fuck was I thinking about that kind of stuff? Augh. No. Bad Magnus. I'm not gay. I'm not. But still, I had to think of one of the amazing comebacks that I always used to be able to come up with. So, I just said the first thing that came to mind. "I could sleep with him if I wanted to."
I tried not to show the devistation that I felt as I realized what I'd just said.
Why?
Why the fuck do things like this only happen to me?
I'm not gay.
I'm not.
I would have told him that yes, I did want soup, but my reaction time was significantly altered because I was still a little offended at his removal of my hand. I was sitting there trying to comfort him and he just got up like he was fine and started offering me food instead. Well then no, I wasn't hungry, but I'd eat whatever he wanted to serve me because I like Latvian food. Latvians don't get enough acknowledgement for how good their food is, or for really anything for that matter. But they should be. They should be acknowledged the same way ninjas and sporks are. Latvians are amazing people, and amazing things need to be acknowledged for their amazingness. What is the purpose of something in this world if people won't embrace it and cherish it in all its uniqueness? I'm sure they'll still function, but will it ever really be wholly alive and thirving? No. No it won't. It's half the reason why I get so pissed over Monika staying home all the time and hiding from the world. Not that anyone deserves to see him, but they would love him if he'd just come out and be social. I know it's not all his fault, but.... God, if he had an older brother he could just dump the little terrors on him and keep Niko.
So, anyway, as I was about to answer him, he walked away. I know that someone was knocking on the door, but he was in no condition to be on his feet anyway. I just wanted him to lay down on the couch with me sitting on the floor next to him and we'd have a huge bowl of popcorn to share between us while we watched something that I'd brought over from my place because Monika really doesn't have anything decent that I can understand. National Geographic doesn't count. I wanted to watch some real TV with him, like Video On Trial or Iron Chef: America. I wanted to put on something that would scare him until he was begging me to get up and sit with him, which of course I would, because I've (almost) never neglected him when he needed me most. Especially when he was scared. There was a certain vulnerability that I just couldn't ignore; sometimes I found myself considering ways to bring out his vulnerability without putting him in danger, and as he grew up I found it harder and harder to find the Monika that still needed me. I wasn't sure I liked him so independant. Then again, I didn't like seeing him, usually so strong, crying like a baby and not even caring if I saw him. That hurt. That hurt worse than thinking that he might not need me to protect him anymore.
It was when I heard his voice and that of another male that I actually dropped my little pout and looked up in interest. Monika didn't sound very happy. I actually straightened up when I heard him drop the F-Bomb, and I knew I had reason to worry now. I don't think I'd ever heard that out of him before, and maybe I was a little disturbed. Something was happening between us. He was hiding things from me, and I know he was old enough to have his own life, but.... It made me wonder what else he wasn't telling me, but I wouldn't have to wonder for very long. He brought that asshole, the one that'd upset him into cursing, into the kitchen and introduced us. I knew already â even before Monika mentioned that this Bradley was his ex â that I didn't like him. He just looked like a cocky bastard, like that Summit Bailey who graduated from Sanctuary Gardens, an elite private school and apparently that meant he was better than everyone else in the class. Well, I'll tell you something. He switched out that class that we'd had together for something else because he couldn't handle it. Not that it's hard or anything, but I guess blondie just wasn't smart enough. Summit Bailey couldn't handle the heat of astronomy. Then again, I don't know if it matters but a few years later I'd be forced out of a class I'd registered for almost six months in advance, dropped out of school and decided to manage the career of a teenage singing sensation in the States. Don't ask why my life goes in that direction. It just does.
Bradley's comment kind of stunned me, the one about sleeping with Monika. It stunned me to the point where I didn't even want to look at that poor innocent thing that used to be someone I knew. I thought I knew him, but I was seriously questioning that now. Slowly, I turned to stare at Monika, looking him up and down and trying to figure out how any of this was even possible. Yeah I was still going to beat Bradley to a pulp, but first I had to think. Tiny little Monika, my homosexual friend.... If I thought about it, he was probably on the bottom, and that meant things that made me stand up and move over next to him.
"Yes, Monika is my best friend, but that doesn't mean anything." I would've wrapped an arm around him to keep him close, but that was... and with those thoughts... I.... Woah. Why the fuck was I thinking about that kind of stuff? Augh. No. Bad Magnus. I'm not gay. I'm not. But still, I had to think of one of the amazing comebacks that I always used to be able to come up with. So, I just said the first thing that came to mind. "I could sleep with him if I wanted to."
I tried not to show the devistation that I felt as I realized what I'd just said.
Why?
Why the fuck do things like this only happen to me?
I'm not gay.
I'm not.