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NANASE YUTAROU
Yutarou was honestly surprised when he received a message in reply, and he felt a surge of anxiety in the fact that he was actually going to be seeing Hiruka again for the first time since the night at the bar. He shoved the feeling down and took off, running past Ahnenerbe without so much as a glance at the place. He was out of breath when he did arrive, and all the hope and relief he'd had drained away when he found Makoto waiting for him instead of Hiruka. What was I thinking... XX
Remembering the conversation they'd had over breakfast so long ago, Yuta had a guess as to why Makoto had come, but he couldn't bring himself to leave. After all, Yutarou felt he deserved it. He'd definitely broken his promise not to hurt Hiruka. XX
He couldn't say he hadn't expected it, but the punch still took him off guard, and Yutarou toppled to the ground, seeing stars and tasting iron in his mouth. Damn, he hits hard. He thought, relatively detached from the situation. "Of all the jerks in this world, I really had hoped that you wouldn't be one of them. Yet in the end, the bond that you and nii-chan once had meant shit to you, is it?" That's not true. "And now, you still have the guts to show your fucking face up after hurting him that much? I must say you really wowed me with your impudence." I just wanted to try and make it better... Yuta said nothing, not daring to voice his thoughts. XX
He grunted a bit at his hair being pulled, though he didn't fight back, closing his eyes to avoid having to look at Makoto. Yuta listened to the words Makoto spoke with rapt attention, not wanting to miss anything. His eyes flashed open again the moment Kou and Yuki were mentioned, and his sudden desperation surely showed on his face. Deep down, he doubted that Makoto would do anything to hurt them, but the panic was overriding any rational judgements he could make. XX
"If you were just some random guys, I would have done it without a second thought. But nii-chan has specifically told me not to do anything. Because I'm a good little brother, and for old time's sake, I will let you off this time." Yutarou was surprised, not having expected for Hiruka to have said anything. It's not that surprising. After all, Sora's always been selflessly kind...even when he really shouldn't be. "That little punch cannot satisfy me. Normally, I would have beaten you into a pulp. Just count yourself lucky that nii-chan still care about you enough to not holding a grudge about it." Yuta sat up and wiped at the blood on his lip, finding it cut and wincing at the sting of skin on the open injury. He didn't bother to try and get up, staring holes into the ground as he listened to Makoto speak. XX
The guilt Yutarou had already been feeling only continued to grow. Of course he hadn't known how upset Hiruka was, after all, they weren't speaking to each other. He silently cursed himself for having hurt his friend. It hadn't been his intention, really- it would have been just as bad for him to date Hiruka while being so indecisive, if not worse. The sudden burst of courage and assurance he'd experienced just fifteen minutes prior had long since drained away, and he couldn't find it in himself to speak up. XX
"You think losing your wife is painful? Nii-chan has been through much worse than that." Yutarou clenched his teeth, his jaw aching. "But you just didn't care, right? In the end, you trampled over it all, and he was nothing than a mere substitute for you." XX
Yuta watched Makoto turn to leave, waiting to see if anything else would happen. "If you truly have any ounces of respect left for him, you'd better leave him alone. I don't want you to show your face up in front of him ever again. You have already hurt him once, don't make it even more painful for him, and for you." And with that, he left, leaving Yutarou alone with a pain in his chest that easily overshadowed his dislocated jaw. He remained there on the ground for a good few minutes, watching Makoto until he disappeared entirely from sight, before finally reaching up to snap his jaw back into place. Well...at least I won't need to be hospitalized... He thought sarcastically, standing up and heading into the crowd, slowly making his way home. As he walked, Yutarou fell deep into thought. Makoto had warned him to stay away, and he knew the next time he did anything rash he'd end up with much more than a broken jaw. Yet, a subtle voice in the back of his mind was telling him not to give up, not to stop trying. XXX
Ah. Just as he was climbing up the stairs to his apartment, an idea struck. Makoto said not to show my face to him. So what if I find a subtler way to communicate what I need to say? Grinning, Yutarou flew up the remaining steps and hurried into his apartment, ignoring Kou's curious stare and Yuki's faraway greeting from down the hall. After all, Makoto can't control the radio. XX
"Aniki, how does this look?" Kou asked, holding up a small square drawing. It depicted a rather ambiguous head of hair, shown from the back and colored all in countless shades of blue, the characters for "Aoi Sora" written in the center with black marker. "Whoa, that's perfect! You drew that all on your own? It's amazing." "I was allowed to take an arts class back home, so long as I got high marks. I'm glad you like it." "I'm glad you offered to help! You know I can't draw at all." Kou laughed at that, and carefully slid the finished drawing into the CD case, completing the project they'd spent the last three months working on, day in and day out. XX
It was a small album, with only seven songs, but it was all he had been able to come up with when trying to find a way to express his feelings without it being in person. Of course, he really wanted it to be in person, but he had a feeling Makoto wouldn't allow that, not with the threats he'd dished out the last time they'd met. And so he'd drafted all the people closest to him to help him put his plan into motion. It had taken far longer than he'd expected, but you can't rush songwriting, and the time spent working on the album surely only proved how determined he was. He refused to shove his feelings down, refused to let go of something he'd spent a good many years waiting for. He refused to let Hiruka go when he'd finally gotten him back after a lifetime of being kept apart. XX
Yuki was wriggling impatiently in her spot at Yuta's side, having been waiting all afternoon for the CD cover to finally be finished. Everyone had suggested that she be the one to deliver the album and the tickets to Yutarou's concert that night- after all, it would have certainly worked terribly if Yutarou had gone himself. Defying everyone's expectation, Jun offered to walk her there, and no one had been able to recover from their surprise to say anything against it. "Great, this means we can get off our asses and do something. We've been doing nothing all day." Jun complains from where he's sulking in the corner. "Oh shut up, you're just jealous I asked Kou to do the cover instead of you. We all know your art isn't any better than mine. Besides, you don't even like Hiruka." Jun said nothing to that, just stood up and grabbed the album out of Yutarou's hand. "Bug off. Let's get going, Yu-chan." XX
Watching the two of them leave, Yutarou felt a bit nervous of what was to come. The seven songs from his album had already been playing on the radio for a good two days, and had risen in popularity incredibly fast due to his reputation as Snowflower's vocalist. Tonight was going to be his first solo debut. The purpose of the concert alone was enough to make him want to never leave home. XX
Luckily, he had people to make sure he didn't hole up in his bedroom and refuse to come out. "Yutarou, we should probably go to the concert center so we can start setting up. It's going to take a while." Yui said, ruffling his hair from behind. "Kenta and Aya are at the florist right now buying the flowers, so they're going to be there soon." Yuta nodded in agreement, picking himself up from the floor and heading to his room to get dressed, Kou trailing after him to dish out somewhat unwanted fashion advice. About ten minutes later they were off to the concert hall, meeting up with Kenta and Aya at the entrance with flowers and getting to work. XXX
Nearly five hours later, the sun has finally set, and Yutarou finds himself standing just offstage, the familiar sound of excited fans filling his ears. This time, however, that sound does nothing to comfort him, instead it makes him even more nervous. He's glad no one's going to be close enough to notice how much he's sweating- he's sure he doesn't smell very nice. His bangs are sticking to his face and his clothes feel too tight on his skin, even though he knows nothing he's wearing is too small, and there's a slight tremor in his hands that refuses to go away. He's glad he doesn't have to play an instrument tonight. That would have been too much. XXX
Kou and Yuki prod him in the back, shooting him four thumbs-up, and Yutarou takes in a deep breath, slowly making his way out onto the stage and smiling to the crowd. They all grow immensely louder as he comes out, and he pointedly looks to them rather than the private viewing box where Hiruka would be, had he chosen to attend. He has no guitar, which some of his fans even inquire about, though he simply passes over their questions in favor of finding the microphone and carefully adjusting it to match his height. He clears his throat. "Um, hello, everyone. I know you're all probably a little confused, but if you can't tell already, this isn't exactly a normal concert. It's just me tonight, and I'll be singing some songs I wrote on my own, mostly because I'm trying to get out some feelings I need to express. I don't know if they'll reach the person I'm trying to reach, but...at least after this, I can't say I didn't try. I hope you all enjoy." Some of the people in the front row look disappointed, others intrigued. He ignores them all. XX
Yutarou grips the microphone and stand with both hands, fingers tightening around it until his knuckles turn white, and the song starts. There's no time to prepare, really, as the lyrics start immediately, and in seconds he's swept up in the song, falling into the comfortable pace of the lyrics and a familiar feeling washes over him, the same feeling he always gets when he's singing. The crowd fades into the background and nothing exists except for that moment. Yet, as he moves on to the next song, and then the next, a newer feeling starts to seep into the mixture: a vague sense of sadness, loneliness, almost. It lingers in the back of his mind, a voice quietly telling him that no matter how hard he tries, his words will never reach Hiruka, he will never hear what he's trying to say. XX
Yutarou does his best to silence the voice and pretend it's not there, but by the time he's reached the seventh song in the lineup, his vision has grown blurry with the buildup of unshed tears. He lets them fall, does his best to keep his expression from betraying the fact he's crying. He doesn't let it seep into his singing. He's cried during performances before, he knows how to keep his voice level. XX
There's a long pause at the end of Ikanaide, and Yuta seizes the opportunity to take a few deep breaths, blinking away the salt that's gathered on his eyelashes. He doesn't reach up to wipe his face, that would only prove he's crying. The music begins again, and this time, he's not entirely sure he's ready to continue, but when he has to sing, he does so on instinct. Vidro Moyou, the song he poured the epitome of his feelings into, flows out into the room. Some of his fans are crying. He is too. He still makes no move to look for Hiruka, doesn't think about whether he came or not, doesn't acknowledge the voice in his head saying it's all a waste. XX
And then the song ends, and he's standing there, crying, a crowd full of people screaming and applauding him like they've just seen the performance of a lifetime. He looks off to the side of the stage, where Yuki and Kou and all his other friends are standing there cheering him on, Yui and Aya both in tears and even Jun looking proud, despite the odds. Yutarou bows to the crowd, and hurries off stage, still not looking to the balcony. His friends suffocate him in a group hug, refusing to let go until Yuki complains she can't breathe. "Tou-san, did Ruru-san come? Did he see?" She asks, her face brightening up like Christmas lights. "I... I don't know." XXX
Alongside the album given to Hiruka, Yuki and Jun had made sure to bring along a ticket to Yutarou's concert, with a document that promised Hiruka the ability to bring any other friends along with him free of charge. He hadn't wanted to pressure his friend into coming alone, especially when there was no way Hiruka could know what exactly he would be met with when he arrived there. XX
The tickets gave him the best seat in the concert hall- the special viewing balcony that Yui and Yuki used whenever Snowflower had concerts. Yutarou had spent a good amount of time preparing everything that Hiruka would find there. The photograph of them as kids, smiling as if they had not a care in the world, sat on the ledge atop a box that held a small bouquet of white anenome blossoms, the flowers signifying sincerity. Alongside it was a too-tiny braided bracelet they both had made for one another, now far too small for Yutarou to wear. The threads were a brilliant blue- the exact shade Hiruka had always loved. The box held more photographs, all of them depicting the same place in faded black-and-white: the treehouse they'd found and claimed as their own so long ago. It was all so simple, really, despite the fact that it had taken weeks for Yuta to decide just how to set everything up. XXX
And when the auditorium lights came on, Hiruka would find a message on the stage, spelled out in bright blue roses, angled in such a way that the characters would only appear as such to a person looking upon them from that exact angle. Meet me there? XxX
Remembering the conversation they'd had over breakfast so long ago, Yuta had a guess as to why Makoto had come, but he couldn't bring himself to leave. After all, Yutarou felt he deserved it. He'd definitely broken his promise not to hurt Hiruka. XX
He couldn't say he hadn't expected it, but the punch still took him off guard, and Yutarou toppled to the ground, seeing stars and tasting iron in his mouth. Damn, he hits hard. He thought, relatively detached from the situation. "Of all the jerks in this world, I really had hoped that you wouldn't be one of them. Yet in the end, the bond that you and nii-chan once had meant shit to you, is it?" That's not true. "And now, you still have the guts to show your fucking face up after hurting him that much? I must say you really wowed me with your impudence." I just wanted to try and make it better... Yuta said nothing, not daring to voice his thoughts. XX
He grunted a bit at his hair being pulled, though he didn't fight back, closing his eyes to avoid having to look at Makoto. Yuta listened to the words Makoto spoke with rapt attention, not wanting to miss anything. His eyes flashed open again the moment Kou and Yuki were mentioned, and his sudden desperation surely showed on his face. Deep down, he doubted that Makoto would do anything to hurt them, but the panic was overriding any rational judgements he could make. XX
"If you were just some random guys, I would have done it without a second thought. But nii-chan has specifically told me not to do anything. Because I'm a good little brother, and for old time's sake, I will let you off this time." Yutarou was surprised, not having expected for Hiruka to have said anything. It's not that surprising. After all, Sora's always been selflessly kind...even when he really shouldn't be. "That little punch cannot satisfy me. Normally, I would have beaten you into a pulp. Just count yourself lucky that nii-chan still care about you enough to not holding a grudge about it." Yuta sat up and wiped at the blood on his lip, finding it cut and wincing at the sting of skin on the open injury. He didn't bother to try and get up, staring holes into the ground as he listened to Makoto speak. XX
The guilt Yutarou had already been feeling only continued to grow. Of course he hadn't known how upset Hiruka was, after all, they weren't speaking to each other. He silently cursed himself for having hurt his friend. It hadn't been his intention, really- it would have been just as bad for him to date Hiruka while being so indecisive, if not worse. The sudden burst of courage and assurance he'd experienced just fifteen minutes prior had long since drained away, and he couldn't find it in himself to speak up. XX
"You think losing your wife is painful? Nii-chan has been through much worse than that." Yutarou clenched his teeth, his jaw aching. "But you just didn't care, right? In the end, you trampled over it all, and he was nothing than a mere substitute for you." XX
Yuta watched Makoto turn to leave, waiting to see if anything else would happen. "If you truly have any ounces of respect left for him, you'd better leave him alone. I don't want you to show your face up in front of him ever again. You have already hurt him once, don't make it even more painful for him, and for you." And with that, he left, leaving Yutarou alone with a pain in his chest that easily overshadowed his dislocated jaw. He remained there on the ground for a good few minutes, watching Makoto until he disappeared entirely from sight, before finally reaching up to snap his jaw back into place. Well...at least I won't need to be hospitalized... He thought sarcastically, standing up and heading into the crowd, slowly making his way home. As he walked, Yutarou fell deep into thought. Makoto had warned him to stay away, and he knew the next time he did anything rash he'd end up with much more than a broken jaw. Yet, a subtle voice in the back of his mind was telling him not to give up, not to stop trying. XXX
Ah. Just as he was climbing up the stairs to his apartment, an idea struck. Makoto said not to show my face to him. So what if I find a subtler way to communicate what I need to say? Grinning, Yutarou flew up the remaining steps and hurried into his apartment, ignoring Kou's curious stare and Yuki's faraway greeting from down the hall. After all, Makoto can't control the radio. XX
Three Months Later
"Aniki, how does this look?" Kou asked, holding up a small square drawing. It depicted a rather ambiguous head of hair, shown from the back and colored all in countless shades of blue, the characters for "Aoi Sora" written in the center with black marker. "Whoa, that's perfect! You drew that all on your own? It's amazing." "I was allowed to take an arts class back home, so long as I got high marks. I'm glad you like it." "I'm glad you offered to help! You know I can't draw at all." Kou laughed at that, and carefully slid the finished drawing into the CD case, completing the project they'd spent the last three months working on, day in and day out. XX
It was a small album, with only seven songs, but it was all he had been able to come up with when trying to find a way to express his feelings without it being in person. Of course, he really wanted it to be in person, but he had a feeling Makoto wouldn't allow that, not with the threats he'd dished out the last time they'd met. And so he'd drafted all the people closest to him to help him put his plan into motion. It had taken far longer than he'd expected, but you can't rush songwriting, and the time spent working on the album surely only proved how determined he was. He refused to shove his feelings down, refused to let go of something he'd spent a good many years waiting for. He refused to let Hiruka go when he'd finally gotten him back after a lifetime of being kept apart. XX
Yuki was wriggling impatiently in her spot at Yuta's side, having been waiting all afternoon for the CD cover to finally be finished. Everyone had suggested that she be the one to deliver the album and the tickets to Yutarou's concert that night- after all, it would have certainly worked terribly if Yutarou had gone himself. Defying everyone's expectation, Jun offered to walk her there, and no one had been able to recover from their surprise to say anything against it. "Great, this means we can get off our asses and do something. We've been doing nothing all day." Jun complains from where he's sulking in the corner. "Oh shut up, you're just jealous I asked Kou to do the cover instead of you. We all know your art isn't any better than mine. Besides, you don't even like Hiruka." Jun said nothing to that, just stood up and grabbed the album out of Yutarou's hand. "Bug off. Let's get going, Yu-chan." XX
Watching the two of them leave, Yutarou felt a bit nervous of what was to come. The seven songs from his album had already been playing on the radio for a good two days, and had risen in popularity incredibly fast due to his reputation as Snowflower's vocalist. Tonight was going to be his first solo debut. The purpose of the concert alone was enough to make him want to never leave home. XX
Luckily, he had people to make sure he didn't hole up in his bedroom and refuse to come out. "Yutarou, we should probably go to the concert center so we can start setting up. It's going to take a while." Yui said, ruffling his hair from behind. "Kenta and Aya are at the florist right now buying the flowers, so they're going to be there soon." Yuta nodded in agreement, picking himself up from the floor and heading to his room to get dressed, Kou trailing after him to dish out somewhat unwanted fashion advice. About ten minutes later they were off to the concert hall, meeting up with Kenta and Aya at the entrance with flowers and getting to work. XXX
Nearly five hours later, the sun has finally set, and Yutarou finds himself standing just offstage, the familiar sound of excited fans filling his ears. This time, however, that sound does nothing to comfort him, instead it makes him even more nervous. He's glad no one's going to be close enough to notice how much he's sweating- he's sure he doesn't smell very nice. His bangs are sticking to his face and his clothes feel too tight on his skin, even though he knows nothing he's wearing is too small, and there's a slight tremor in his hands that refuses to go away. He's glad he doesn't have to play an instrument tonight. That would have been too much. XXX
Kou and Yuki prod him in the back, shooting him four thumbs-up, and Yutarou takes in a deep breath, slowly making his way out onto the stage and smiling to the crowd. They all grow immensely louder as he comes out, and he pointedly looks to them rather than the private viewing box where Hiruka would be, had he chosen to attend. He has no guitar, which some of his fans even inquire about, though he simply passes over their questions in favor of finding the microphone and carefully adjusting it to match his height. He clears his throat. "Um, hello, everyone. I know you're all probably a little confused, but if you can't tell already, this isn't exactly a normal concert. It's just me tonight, and I'll be singing some songs I wrote on my own, mostly because I'm trying to get out some feelings I need to express. I don't know if they'll reach the person I'm trying to reach, but...at least after this, I can't say I didn't try. I hope you all enjoy." Some of the people in the front row look disappointed, others intrigued. He ignores them all. XX
Yutarou grips the microphone and stand with both hands, fingers tightening around it until his knuckles turn white, and the song starts. There's no time to prepare, really, as the lyrics start immediately, and in seconds he's swept up in the song, falling into the comfortable pace of the lyrics and a familiar feeling washes over him, the same feeling he always gets when he's singing. The crowd fades into the background and nothing exists except for that moment. Yet, as he moves on to the next song, and then the next, a newer feeling starts to seep into the mixture: a vague sense of sadness, loneliness, almost. It lingers in the back of his mind, a voice quietly telling him that no matter how hard he tries, his words will never reach Hiruka, he will never hear what he's trying to say. XX
Yutarou does his best to silence the voice and pretend it's not there, but by the time he's reached the seventh song in the lineup, his vision has grown blurry with the buildup of unshed tears. He lets them fall, does his best to keep his expression from betraying the fact he's crying. He doesn't let it seep into his singing. He's cried during performances before, he knows how to keep his voice level. XX
There's a long pause at the end of Ikanaide, and Yuta seizes the opportunity to take a few deep breaths, blinking away the salt that's gathered on his eyelashes. He doesn't reach up to wipe his face, that would only prove he's crying. The music begins again, and this time, he's not entirely sure he's ready to continue, but when he has to sing, he does so on instinct. Vidro Moyou, the song he poured the epitome of his feelings into, flows out into the room. Some of his fans are crying. He is too. He still makes no move to look for Hiruka, doesn't think about whether he came or not, doesn't acknowledge the voice in his head saying it's all a waste. XX
And then the song ends, and he's standing there, crying, a crowd full of people screaming and applauding him like they've just seen the performance of a lifetime. He looks off to the side of the stage, where Yuki and Kou and all his other friends are standing there cheering him on, Yui and Aya both in tears and even Jun looking proud, despite the odds. Yutarou bows to the crowd, and hurries off stage, still not looking to the balcony. His friends suffocate him in a group hug, refusing to let go until Yuki complains she can't breathe. "Tou-san, did Ruru-san come? Did he see?" She asks, her face brightening up like Christmas lights. "I... I don't know." XXX
Alongside the album given to Hiruka, Yuki and Jun had made sure to bring along a ticket to Yutarou's concert, with a document that promised Hiruka the ability to bring any other friends along with him free of charge. He hadn't wanted to pressure his friend into coming alone, especially when there was no way Hiruka could know what exactly he would be met with when he arrived there. XX
The tickets gave him the best seat in the concert hall- the special viewing balcony that Yui and Yuki used whenever Snowflower had concerts. Yutarou had spent a good amount of time preparing everything that Hiruka would find there. The photograph of them as kids, smiling as if they had not a care in the world, sat on the ledge atop a box that held a small bouquet of white anenome blossoms, the flowers signifying sincerity. Alongside it was a too-tiny braided bracelet they both had made for one another, now far too small for Yutarou to wear. The threads were a brilliant blue- the exact shade Hiruka had always loved. The box held more photographs, all of them depicting the same place in faded black-and-white: the treehouse they'd found and claimed as their own so long ago. It was all so simple, really, despite the fact that it had taken weeks for Yuta to decide just how to set everything up. XXX
And when the auditorium lights came on, Hiruka would find a message on the stage, spelled out in bright blue roses, angled in such a way that the characters would only appear as such to a person looking upon them from that exact angle. Meet me there? XxX