}I think at some point before you're born, they send you a manual on how to act like a person, just in case you're too clueless to catch on by yourself. Mine got lost in the mail.
Kazuki's Story ~ Theme Song - Without a Heart/Somehow
DÉĒá´Ęá´Éĸá´á´ Cá´Ęá´Ę âĻ #349438
TĘá´á´ÉĸĘá´ Cá´Ęá´Ę ⧠#515451
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- Kurokawa Kazuki
- Origin and Meaning: His surname, Kurokawa, means "Black River," while his given name, "Kazuki," is written with the characters for "peace" and "hope." He finds this meaning thoroughly ironic, given his somewhat flighty and depressive nature.
- Kuro
- Origin and Meaning: A shortening of his surname, given to him as a rather derogatory nickname by some of his old classmates, a descriptor chosen based on his rather gloomy appearance. In their earliest meeting, Yoichi mistook this jab for his actual name, and so called him Kuro by mistake. Kazuki was too embarrassed to tell him of his mistake, and thus only corrected him on it later, and so the nickname ended up sticking. He doesn't mind as much if his friends call him Kuro, but dislikes it when anyone else does, as it seems insulting, given the name's less-than-kind origin.
- Male
- 18
âĻ Sexual Orientation âĻ- Heterosexual
- Yukimura Tooru, Aoharu x Kikanjuu
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- Five feet, ten inches.
- 167 lbs.
- Gray-black.
- Jet black.
- Comparing Kazuki to those in whose company he's most often seen - Yoichi, more often than not - one can't help but wonder just what exactly they have in common. In part, this is because their appearances couldn't be more different. Yoichi's presence exudes confidence, control, and an overwhelming vibe of power. Kazuki, on the other hand, barely seems to be there, like he's actively trying to fade into the background. Carrying himself with a slouch, the mousy youth always looks like he's hiding, trying to avoid direct confrontation with some unseen enemy. Or, to put their difference in animal terms, Yoichi seems like the apex predator in any social environment, while Kazuki, on the other hand, looks like the easiest of prey.
Compared to his friend, Kazuki also falls short in several other aspects. Yoichi is tall and powerfully built, while Kazuki is of a fairly average height, and a bit on the scrawny side despite his efforts to keep up. In contrast to Yoichi's more tanned skin, Kazuki is very pale, a reflection of his preference for remaining indoors. Notably, however, there is one thing he and Yoichi share in common: neither one of them is fully Japanese, a fact which helps to explain Kazuki's uncommonly pale complexion. However, with Kazuki, this isn't quite as obvious as it is with Yoichi. After all, his messy, neck-length hair is a fairly common shade of black, while his steel-hued gray-black eyes are little different - although you could be excused for not noting his eye color, since he's almost always seen with a pair of somewhat spectacles with rectangular black frames that tend to obscure his dark eyes somewhat. Regardless, when compared to Yoichi's blonde hair and red-brown eyes, Kazuki's appearance is pretty ordinary.
As you may have noticed, Kazuki tends not to evaluate himself from an objective viewpoint, but rather, by comparing himself to those around him - usually Yoichi. And, as you probably also noticed, these comparisons are very seldom favorable. If you asked anyone, even Kazuki himself - in fact, especially Kazuki himself - they'd tell you in a heartbeat that Yoichi is definitely the more handsome and personable of the two. However, what Kazuki probably wouldn't confess - as it's something he doesn't even recognize himself - is that he's doing himself something of an injustice by setting his standards so high and them talking himself down when he fails to meet them. His face isn't exactly handsome in a traditional masculine sense, defined as it is by rounded cheeks and prominent cheekbones that make him look just a touch effeminate. His hair is fairly straight, but tends to curl at the ends, giving it a perpetually messy, fluffed up look that tends to ruin what might otherwise be praised rhapsodically as "locks of raven as smooth as silk," or some similarly poetic hogwash. Were it not for his need for glasses, his eyes might otherwise tend to draw attention due to how large and dark they are, playing off of his pale skin quite nicely. Although he lacks a tan, he also lacks major scars or blemishes that might render him unsightly. And, although he's not exactly buff, he's at least in shape and thin enough to be appealing - two things his preference for somewhat bulky, loose-fitting clothing tends to conceal. As such, even if he's not exactly an Adonis like a certain acquaintance of his, he could still rightly be called somewhat cute.
As mentioned above his preference in clothing tends to be rather conservative. He favors basic white dress shirts and warm, soft cardigans, usually paired with simple khaki slacks. Of course, this is only when he isn't just wearing his school uniform, which he tends to stick to wearing through most of the day, wash in the evenings once he's changed into his pajamas, and then wear again the following day. Since he doesn't exactly get out much, it can be kind of rare for people who only know him through school to see him wearing anything else.
- Fluffy: Kazuki's hair appears to be in perpetual disarray. No matter how much he tries to control it, there will be some end curling outward, or some loose tuft sticking up. It's plenty soft, though, giving him a strangely doglike aspect, in that one may sometimes feel a strange compulsion to pat him on the head - at least, when he's not being distant and standoffish.
- Creepy: To those he doesn't know, Kazuki tends to seem very cold and aloof. He's not exactly good with social interaction, and tends to be very nervous, fearing drawing attention to himself or saying the wrong thing. As a result, he seldom speaks, only occasionally offering up some small tidbit or another as a response, or simply nodding or shaking his head to show he's paying attention without having to speak up. What's more, a plethora of trust issues compel him to keep a very close eye on anyone he's forced to interact with, but at the same time, he suffers from mild scopophobia and anthropophobia, making him feel intense discomfort when he knows he's being scrutinized, or when he's forced to make eye contact with others - as he feels like they're staring. Consequently, it can seem to somebody who isn't familiar with his particular dysfunctions that he's trying purposefully to ignore them - refusing to make eye contact, seldom offering any sort of response, etc. - and is only looking at them out of the corner of his eye to see whether or not they're going to leave. Because of this, it's easy to assume he's haughty and aloof rather than simply socially crippled.
- Oversized Sweaters: Another peculiar quirk brought on by his various insecurities is his distaste for physical contact. While he's not going to faint if you poke him, he tends to dislike prolonged or sudden contact, as the former makes him feel as though his personal space is being steadily violated, and the latter tends to take him by surprise. To avoid accidentally touching anybody, he tends to wear sweaters that are just slightly too big for him, allowing the sleeves to cover his hands almost completely.
- Always Cold: For whatever reason, Kazuki tends to chill easily - another reason why sweaters and cardigans are an almost universal part of his wardrobe.
- Terrible Liar: Kazuki is really bad at telling falsehoods convincingly. For one thing, he tends to stammer and trip over his words a lot more than usual when trying to deceive someone, and for another, he deliberately forces himself to make eye contact. Perhaps he does it because he thinks it'll make him appear more honest...?
- Quiet: Kazuki is very good at being completely silent - not just when he's not speaking, but simply when he's moving. He has an eerie gift for appearing and disappearing suddenly and without warning, as it's very difficult to hear him moving. When it comes to getting out of situations where he feels uncomfortable, sometimes he'll just seem to vanish the moment people stop paying attention to him.
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- Confident. Assertive. Outgoing. Brave. These are all words that don't describe Kazuki. Descriptors like "emotionally distant," "inexpressive," "paranoid," and "antisocial," on the other hand, all suit him perfectly.
The first thing people notice when meeting Kazuki for the first time is how cold he seems. He almost never speaks, and his face usually remains blank save for a faint frown. In particular, his eyes might be described similarly to those of a certain anime character - "like the eyes of a dead fish." His default gaze is empty and vacant, seeming to wander everywhere except towards the person talking to him, as though he'd rather be anywhere else. Then, every now and again, he'll peer back to see what they're doing, in the process giving a sort of harsh, cutting sideways glare that seems to scream the simple command "leave me alone." Sure, he seldom confronts people directly, and usually agrees with what they say to make conversing easier - as he hates conflict - but his vacant, shifty manner tends to put most people off when they first meet him, as his first response to meeting new people seems to be to treat them as an enemy, or somehow hostile.
Clashing entirely with his defensive mannerisms, however, are his speech patterns. More often than not, he speaks very politely, treating most, if not all people around him as though they're his social superiors. He has trouble saying no to almost anything, and so tends to be very compliant to whatever requests others have of him. This might be enough to offset his somewhat creepy physical demeanor - were it not for the fact that he almost never speaks to people he doesn't know in more than monosyllabic utterances, and his voice tends to be so hushed that he can sometimes be hard to hear. As such, it can almost seem more like he's muttering things under his breath and refusing to talk.
Because of all these factors, many people's first impression of Kazuki is that he's an antisocial freak who hates people. And, in a sense, they're right - save for the fact that "hate" is probably the wrong word to use. Rather, it would be more accurate to say that he finds it nearly impossible to trust or meaningfully connect to others. Furthermore, he also has a crippling fear of drawing attention to himself, making it very difficult for him to convince himself that it's worth his time to approach another person. Because of this, and because of his rather off-putting reputation as a loner, it's always unusual when somebody actually bothers to strike up a conversation with him. While he might otherwise take this attention as a relief from the solitude of awkward silence, he has a very poor impression of "people who aren't Yoichi or trusted by Yoichi" due to his personal experience. As such, if there's somebody he doesn't know who just starts talking to him out of the blue, it's probably a sign that they want something from him, are underhandedly mocking him, or are otherwise trying to play him for a fool. As such, Kazuki tends to be so preoccupied with trying to find and decipher any and all subtext in a conversation that might reveal his "enemy's" true intentions, and with trying not to leave himself open to be insulted or exploited, that he generally tends to find it difficult to say anything at all.
So, he says nothing. He approaches no one, save Yoichi and those to whom Yoichi has introduced him, feeling that it's safer this way. Because...Relationships with others - be they family, friends, or even lovers - are all give and no take. You see, for the most part, Human beings are frauds.
And, even if he wouldn't say that every single person is just a self-interested liar looking for an easy dupe - as one would merely need to look at his trust of Yoichi and others to see that this would be hypocrisy in its finest form - Kazuki simply doesn't think it's worth risking trusting others when, more likely than not, they'd never be willing to do for you the things you do for them. In fact, if he'd had his way, he wouldn't have even risked trusting Yoichi, were it not for the string of unlikely coincidences that pushed them together. As it is, he's been lucky enough to find one or two people he can rely on to treat him honestly, people who actually care about how he feels. This much is, already, more than he ever would have been willing to ask for.
As you may have noticed, his issues with people stem from more than just cynicism and a history of being treated as an outsider. Rather, they're a painfully obvious manifestation of his deep-seated fear of abandonment. This is why he can maintain resolute in his jaded worldview, even if not everybody betrays or attempts to manipulate him; even the people who treat him kindly eventually leave and never come back. So far, the only one to break this mold has been Yoichi, but far from reassuring him, this only further worries Kazuki, as he's beginning to realize how much he depends on his more socially competent friend-turned-older-brother-figure to protect him from unwanted social situations. Because of this, he's deeply afraid of displeasing Yoichi, or doing anything else, for that matter, that might result in losing his favor - as he's no longer sure that he could actually cope with having absolutely nobody he can rely on. At the same time, he hates himself for failing to trust the only person who's ever been willing to accommodate his many flaws and look out for him, as he feels that, after all Yoichi has done for him, he owes his surrogate big brother at least some level of faith, no matter how reluctant he is to risk such a thing.
You see, Kazuki's cynicism may drive him to suspect and fear people, but at the same time, it also compels him to distance himself from the things he sees around him. He doesn't want to be a fraud or a traitor, and he most certainly doesn't want to make anyone give anything to him that he wouldn't give back in a heartbeat. While it's difficult for him to trust others, he himself can thus be trusted without any hesitation. Every time a kindness is shown to him, he makes a note of it without fail, treating it as a debt he must repay. Other people may forget the times they were lent a helping hand - but not Kazuki. If there's anything he can do for a friend, he'll be there in a heartbeat. It's almost comical how somebody who's so socially inept can manage to be so thoughtful, but somehow, he does it.
People-watching is something of his hobby, and because of it, he's gotten remarkably good at telling what people are thinking about. The only problem is that his interpretations usually tend to be filtered through his own jade-colored worldview, resulting in his social paranoia. However, this does mean he's usually very good at telling what people want, meaning his "debts" often end up being repaid by him doing something that somebody needed done, without ever having to be asked. This is also why he's so bad at saying no - if he knows what somebody needs, and feels he owes that person something, then there's really no excuse for him failing to repay them, in his opinion.
Because of this, he shows a very different side to his friends, proving that he isn't just a gloomy loner with trust issues. In fact, Kazuki is a gloomy loner with trust issues who just also happens to be possibly the most altruistic, loyal, and sweet friend you could ask for. Since he's not in immediate danger of being played for a fool when in the company of people he knows well enough not to be threatened by, he tends to be a little more open with his feelings in such company, speaking his mind without worrying too much that he'll be castigated for it. He's still painfully quiet, and tends to beat around the bush rather than bring up touchy subjects, but sometimes surprises those close to him by speaking remarkably bluntly either when he doesn't realize that what he's saying may be uncomfortable to others, or when he simply feels something must be said. As such, if something's truly important, you can expect to hear his unfiltered opinion on it, even if he is uneasy about saying it.
These traits combined also cause him to be unable to tolerate it when somebody he cares for is unhappy. Quite simply, he's terrible at cheering people up, as his gloomy manner and self-deprecatory sense of humor don't lend themselves well to encouragement. What's more, just because he knows that they're sad and what's making them sad doesn't mean he has any idea how to fix it - he's good at telling what people are thinking, but not HOW they think, in other words. But sometimes, he just tries so hard that you can't help but feel a bit encouraged that, even if you're keeping company with somebody totally oblivious, he's really, truly, personally invested in seeing you happy.
There are certain boundaries, however, that even his friends can't cross. Just because Yoichi's willing to introduce him to someone - thus marking that person as being most likely trustworthy enough to not be immediately afraid of - doesn't mean that he's entirely comfortable with that person staring at him. And, even when he's talking to Reika - who is without doubt his closest friend save Yoichi himself - prolonged eye contact tends to make him very uncomfortable. And, he even tends to avoid any sort of physical contact with both Reika and Yoichi alike, keeping his distance in every social situation that he possibly can. In general, he's rather uncomfortable around women especially - partially explaining why he's more easily flustered by Reika than by Yoichi. This is for two reasons.
The first is that he's never had an actual girlfriend, but is also kind of a huge geek when it comes to things like video games and anime. Many times, he's seen romance portrayed as some sort of be-all, end-all - far from how he's actually witnessed it in around him in real life. As a result, he has very unrealistic impressions of what love really is, assuming that, because he can't ever trust anyone completely, and because of his many other, equally crippling issues, it's something he'll never be able to truly experience. At the same time, though, he has a simple desire to be happy that draws him to it, like a moth to a flame. What if he really could fall in love? What if there were one people who he could really, truly trust enough to give himself entirely to, and receive the same devotion in return? For once in his life, he'd have a relationship that he'd absolutely never have to worry would fall apart. But, unless the other person was exactly like him, how could something like that ever happen? Because of this, he's especially wary of women, because he doesn't want to be lured into a one-sided obsession that will only result in heartbreak and abandonment.
But, what's more, he's also seen plenty of girls falling head-over-heels for Yoichi. Given that his surrogate big brother is something of a playboy, this isn't exactly surprising, but what he didn't anticipate was that some of them approached him, seeing him simply as a tool that they could use to get to Yoichi. They'd ask for Yoichi's phone number, where he lived, or other things like that so that they could stalk him. On one memorable occasion, a girl even asked Kazuki out on a double date with Yoichi and his then-girlfriend, only to spend the entire time ignoring Kazuki himself in favor of pestering the more attractive of the two. These experiences have only further inured Kazuki to the very concept of love, as he's come to expect that nobody could ever fall for somebody like him when he's so worthless compared to Yoichi. Because of this, no matter how appealing the concept of "true love" might be to him, he treats it as simply a fantasy, and tries to ignore any attraction he might feel to anybody, which is much more difficult that it might sound - especially with Reika. She's been more kind to him than almost anyone. The moment Yoichi invited Kazuki to join their little group, she showed him nothing but smiles, accepting him without question even through the disastrous first few months of their "friendship," when Kazuki barely even spoke. Her constant generosity toward him eventually won his trust, and he's done his best to pay her back for all the kindness she showed him ever since. He'd do anything so long as she asked him to, regardless of how unreasonable any favor she might request would be. Although sometimes he feels like he's being a burden to Yoichi, or that his surrogate brother might eventually grow tired of him, for some reason, he can't help but trust Reika completely. She's done so much for him, and she's somehow never seemed annoyed by having to deal with him. So, he feels, she, of all people, would never try to lie to him, use him, and abandon him. And yet, he still can't bear to try to act on his feelings, since he can't imagine that she'd ever feel the same way. If he tried confessing to her, it would only destroy their friendship - or so he fears. So, he does the only thing he can, and keeps his feelings bottled up.
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- Singing: Not something you might expect of a person so timid, but nevertheless, this is one of his hobbies. He's actually quite good at it - with the song linked as his theme song also providing a convenient reference of what his voice might sound like - but few people actually know about this, since he never sings in public - he'd be too afraid of being laughed at.
- Kendo: Another thing you'd hardly expect, but he actually studied it for several years upon moving in with his family in Japan, no doubt inspired by the swordfighting in the anime he's so fond of. Sadly, he ended up giving up this hobby a few years back when bullying from Kendo club members forced him to quit, and hasn't picked it back up since.
- Video Games and Anime: One of the reasons he was bullied to begin with. During the time he spent in America, he ended up getting into video games and television, and kept watching TV when he moved to Japan, resulting in him stumbling somewhat cluelessly into Anime. He was very fond of the over-the-top action and humor it offered, and so remained a die-hard fan even as he grew older. Sadly, many of his peers just thought he was a creep for enjoying such "childish" pastimes.
- Cooking: His parents were seldom home when he was little, so he ended up getting tired of eating microwave meals and learned how to cook. While he's not exactly a master chef, he's still surprisingly good at it.
- Being Shouted At: He learned from a young age to be scared when an adult started yelling at him, and as of yet, it's a habit he hasn't unlearned. He's very easily cowed, and tends to be very uncomfortable when somebody so much as raises their voice towards him.
- Being Insulted: Kazuki tends to take any slight towards him rather seriously. He has a very low level of self-esteem to begin with, so he may even take things that were meant innocently to be backhanded insults. As such, he's easily frustrated by condescension.
- Lies: One of the things he loathes most. He takes trust very seriously, and doesn't give it often. Lying to him is a sure way to earn both his suspicion and ire.
- Demanding People: It's not that he isn't willing to work for or with others - it's just that if people keep asking him for things without ever showing him the slightest bit of kindness, he begins to feel like he's paying them for a debt he doesn't owe. This, too, is a very good way to chafe at his patience.
- Ongaeshi: Paying back one's debts.
- Trust: Above all else, Kazuki wishes somebody would prove him wrong. He wants to find just one person who he can trust absolutely, without fearing being manipulated or abandoned. Perhaps, if he didn't feel so afraid, he might finally be able to be happy...
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- Kazuki's early life is... complicated. His mother, Akane, was a young Japanese woman who studied abroad in America, and ended up getting a job there as an intern in a major corporation. Although her prospects were initially promising, she ended up having an affair with an old classmate that cut her career short, as she became unexpectedly pregnant. Pressured by her family into taking responsibility for her as of yet unwanted illegitimate son, she reluctantly quit her job to stay home and raise Kazuki. However, her boyfriend-turned-husband soon began to grow resentful under the stress of having to support both Akane and their son, and so cut all ties with them when Kazuki was only nine, after several years of arguments and abuse between himself and Akane, which Kazuki often found himself blamed for by both his parents. If only he hadn't been born, everything would have been fine.
After three hard years of struggling to make ends meet, Akane was forced to return to her family in Japan for support, begging their forgiveness for her irresponsibility. However, they always looked on her as something of a dead weight and a disgrace to the family, making the atmosphere at home a rather hostile one. Eventually, she tired of their abuse, and so moved out one night without telling anyone.
Twelve year old Kazuki thus woke up one morning to find that his mother had disappeared. Although they tried getting in touch with her, all she'd tell them was that she'd come back for Kazuki once she could support him. So they told him, and so he looked forward to the day that he'd finally be able to see her again. In the mean time, however, it appeared he would be living with his grandparents and his aunt.
He was always something of a black sheep in the family. As an illegitimate child, he was an embarrassment and a disgrace in the eyes of his grandparents. Nevertheless, they could hardly put the blame on him for being born, so they reluctantly allowed him to remain in their care - largely thanks to the influence of his aunt Aina. Her husband had died in an accident shortly after Kazuki himself was born. With no prospect of having children of her own, she decided to take it upon herself to raise him. She was rather strict when it came to performance in school, but very laissez-faire aside from that. As such, so long as Kazuki kept his grades up and stayed out of trouble, she didn't mind what he did. While this meant that she didn't look down on him like his grandparents did, and was generally very kind to him, it also meant that she wasn't always there for him when he needed her - and he, for his part, was too nervous to bother her by going to her instead.
All that aside, doing well in school was harder than it might seem, as Kazuki had grown up mostly speaking English, and now found himself faced with an environment in which he'd have to write and speak in a completely different language. He picked up Japanese as best he could, but for the next year, he was always somewhat behind in his work due to the difficulty he had in keeping up with the material. More that just that, however: he also couldn't communicate with his family or his classmates. Because of this, he was always something of an outsider, both in school and at home. By the time he finally felt confident enough in his speaking ability to try reaching out to his classmates - and even then, he still had difficulty expressing anything more than basic thoughts - they already thought he was weird. When his love of anime and video games began to show, they only felt vindicated in their dislike for him. Labeled as a creepy otaku, they shunned him for the most part, some bullying him outright when the teachers' backs were turned. This seldom escalated to the level of physical violence, but as even those he'd thought of as maybe being his friends turned against him, he found both his self esteem and his faith in other people crushed. His parents had abandoned him, the rest of his family didn't care, and now, he found himself cast out even by those his age. Eventually, he just stopped trying to talk to others - it seemed like the world would be a better place if he just didn't interfere with anything.
This might have gone on forever were it not for a lucky coincidence. As it happened, when Kazuki was thirteen, a young half-Japanese boy who had lived in Germany for some time transferred into the class. His name was Yamada Yoichi, and he became Kazuki's only friend. Since they shared English as a first language, Kazuki was assigned to show Yoichi around the school. At first, he was terrified of the rather fearsome-looking boy, but to his surprise, they actually had a lot in common. They'd been left behind by their parents, and had plenty of issues back at home. They were equally afraid of committing themselves to other people, and yet equally honest in their desire for at least one genuine friendship. Yoichi was the first to see this, while Kazuki found himself surprised that the scary new student was willing to defend him from his many detractors. But, regardless of his reasons, Kazuki came to accept Yoichi, if not at first as a friend then as an ally. He was, after all, the one person Kazuki could really communicate with, and the one person who was actually willing to talk to him. Even if he was suspicious at first, he didn't need anything more than that.
So, bit by bit, Kazuki allowed himself to make his first friend, despite his misgivings. During this time, he also first encountered another of Yoichi's close acquaintances: a girl named Reika. They got off to a rocky start, as Kazuki still had little experience talking in Japanese, and even less experience in talking to girls. Nevertheless, she proved to be immensely helpful to him, offering to help him with his schoolwork - ironic, considering that he was technically her senpai. Although she initially doubtless had some misgivings about the rather creepy youth, he ended up reconciling with her through his sheer determination to pay her back for her help. And, while still not entirely comfortable interacting with her due to his budding crush on her, he nevertheless came to trust and rely on her almost as much as he does on Yoichi. Thus things remained over the next five years, seeing the trio through middle school and into high school. But, in Kazuki and Yoichi's senior year, an unexpected fourth member would join their little group, which might spark several changes in how they saw one another that, until then, they never could have predicted...