:n e v a e h:
They were always so vivid. Vivid enough that I could feel every bruising touch and hear every foul word as if those three men were here in the room with me. I could feel two strong hands grasp my arms and another one grabbed my face as they forced me to swallow a thick, coppery, black liquid. Or was it black? Everything I couldn't remember was black. The colour of the drink, the mens' faces, the exact date on the calender, the time on the back of the stove.... But the rest of the room, which I remembered very well, was also black, but only because it had been well past midnight. Remembering the way the liquid tasted, indescribably disgusting, I sat up again and furrowed my brow. I felt sick. I opened my mouth and took a slow breath, holding it, swallowing it, pushing it down, releasing it. Reapeating. I glanced at the bucket. It had been cleaned recently, and I'd feel bad for dirtying it infront of Silus and Jesse. And Patrick was awake now, too. It was embarrassing to think they'd seem me completely vulnerable and pathetic.
I leaned forward, resting my head in my hands as I continued to breathe deeply, hoping that the nausea would settle, even if it was slowly; I just wanted it to end. I wanted all of it to go away. The dizziness, the pain, the memories. I swallowed hard as my mouth filled with saliva and my stomach started its convulsions. I squeezed my eyes shut and forced myself to my feet, heading for the small bathroom near the door. Though my voice shook, I forced it out. "You guys go ahead. I'll catch up." And I slammed the door that isolated the toilet, falling to my knees infront of it.
I hadn't eaten anything since last night's dinner of Shepard's Pie and the Apple Crisp that followed for desert, so not much came back up but stomach acid, which burned my throat and mouth. My eyes teared up as I coughed and gagged on the sour taste, choking on a breath that I barely had enough time to heave in before the convulsions in my stomach kicked up again, and I spit up another mouthful of bile. My whole body was in pain as this continued for too long; but eventually it ended, but I couldn't pick myself up. I laid there with my forehead rested against the cold porcelain, breathing heavily as tears streaked my reddened cheeks, and I reached up to flush the contents and hopefully get rid of the strong scent in the confined space. It definitely was confined. My knees hurt from being jammed down under my weight and bent into a position they weren't used to, held like that for too long. My whole body hurt. I was miserable, letting myself cry against the toilet bowl as if it were my closest friend. I wondered whether I was really crying over the physical pain, even though I was certain that it was the emotional pain that instiaged it this time.
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:s a v a n n a h:
I caught sight of movement next to me. Karina had pulled some electronic device out and had typed out a response so quickly that I barely had time to breathe. It was awesome! I grinned, seeing my own nickname â I loved the way it was spelled so creatively; screw anyone who thought that it was misspelled â and stood to lean over for a closer look. Besides all the on-site medical emergency equipment and whatever, this was the most technology I had seen n a little while, and needless to say, I was impressed. After all, things like cellphones had signals that could mess up the heart monitors and the other things that I couldn't remember, but were probably at least halfways important. But this.... This was cool. It made me think of Karina as the kid in school who had everything. He was pretty and sweet and friendly, now he had this... thing, whatever it was.... Of course, I realized that the figure in this role in the school in the theatre of my mind had the ability of speech, and often used large words that I understood... when they weren't all grouped together. How long had it been since I had deciphered something that he had said in one of my space-outs; something that wasn't, literally, "Blah blah blah blah." Most of the time, he just sounded like the adults in Charlie Brown....
"Ohayo, Rina-rina!" I stood up straight and held my palm up, giving another of my signature grins. I wondered if he knew what it meant, but I shrugged it off. He was smart enough; he could figure it out. Instead, I continued to get excited, more and more so as I skipped to Karina's dresser and pulled open one of the drawers to route around for one of his shirts that I thought looked really good on him. Or maybe it was in the wash? No, I found it, pulling it out and holding it against my own body so I could turn and show it off. "I think you should wear this today; you look so good in it. What d'you think? Besides, today's special, and I really want it to be memorable!" Then I paused in my own musings. "I wonder if they'll serve cake for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.... Mango cake. With mango ice cream! And sixteen candles! On each of the three mango cakes, and maybe in the ice cream, too, just for good measure. Oh, but that would melt the ice cream. Just the cake, then. Ahh.... Eden would've just loved to be here...."
They were always so vivid. Vivid enough that I could feel every bruising touch and hear every foul word as if those three men were here in the room with me. I could feel two strong hands grasp my arms and another one grabbed my face as they forced me to swallow a thick, coppery, black liquid. Or was it black? Everything I couldn't remember was black. The colour of the drink, the mens' faces, the exact date on the calender, the time on the back of the stove.... But the rest of the room, which I remembered very well, was also black, but only because it had been well past midnight. Remembering the way the liquid tasted, indescribably disgusting, I sat up again and furrowed my brow. I felt sick. I opened my mouth and took a slow breath, holding it, swallowing it, pushing it down, releasing it. Reapeating. I glanced at the bucket. It had been cleaned recently, and I'd feel bad for dirtying it infront of Silus and Jesse. And Patrick was awake now, too. It was embarrassing to think they'd seem me completely vulnerable and pathetic.
I leaned forward, resting my head in my hands as I continued to breathe deeply, hoping that the nausea would settle, even if it was slowly; I just wanted it to end. I wanted all of it to go away. The dizziness, the pain, the memories. I swallowed hard as my mouth filled with saliva and my stomach started its convulsions. I squeezed my eyes shut and forced myself to my feet, heading for the small bathroom near the door. Though my voice shook, I forced it out. "You guys go ahead. I'll catch up." And I slammed the door that isolated the toilet, falling to my knees infront of it.
I hadn't eaten anything since last night's dinner of Shepard's Pie and the Apple Crisp that followed for desert, so not much came back up but stomach acid, which burned my throat and mouth. My eyes teared up as I coughed and gagged on the sour taste, choking on a breath that I barely had enough time to heave in before the convulsions in my stomach kicked up again, and I spit up another mouthful of bile. My whole body was in pain as this continued for too long; but eventually it ended, but I couldn't pick myself up. I laid there with my forehead rested against the cold porcelain, breathing heavily as tears streaked my reddened cheeks, and I reached up to flush the contents and hopefully get rid of the strong scent in the confined space. It definitely was confined. My knees hurt from being jammed down under my weight and bent into a position they weren't used to, held like that for too long. My whole body hurt. I was miserable, letting myself cry against the toilet bowl as if it were my closest friend. I wondered whether I was really crying over the physical pain, even though I was certain that it was the emotional pain that instiaged it this time.
------------------------------------------------------------
:s a v a n n a h:
I caught sight of movement next to me. Karina had pulled some electronic device out and had typed out a response so quickly that I barely had time to breathe. It was awesome! I grinned, seeing my own nickname â I loved the way it was spelled so creatively; screw anyone who thought that it was misspelled â and stood to lean over for a closer look. Besides all the on-site medical emergency equipment and whatever, this was the most technology I had seen n a little while, and needless to say, I was impressed. After all, things like cellphones had signals that could mess up the heart monitors and the other things that I couldn't remember, but were probably at least halfways important. But this.... This was cool. It made me think of Karina as the kid in school who had everything. He was pretty and sweet and friendly, now he had this... thing, whatever it was.... Of course, I realized that the figure in this role in the school in the theatre of my mind had the ability of speech, and often used large words that I understood... when they weren't all grouped together. How long had it been since I had deciphered something that he had said in one of my space-outs; something that wasn't, literally, "Blah blah blah blah." Most of the time, he just sounded like the adults in Charlie Brown....
"Ohayo, Rina-rina!" I stood up straight and held my palm up, giving another of my signature grins. I wondered if he knew what it meant, but I shrugged it off. He was smart enough; he could figure it out. Instead, I continued to get excited, more and more so as I skipped to Karina's dresser and pulled open one of the drawers to route around for one of his shirts that I thought looked really good on him. Or maybe it was in the wash? No, I found it, pulling it out and holding it against my own body so I could turn and show it off. "I think you should wear this today; you look so good in it. What d'you think? Besides, today's special, and I really want it to be memorable!" Then I paused in my own musings. "I wonder if they'll serve cake for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.... Mango cake. With mango ice cream! And sixteen candles! On each of the three mango cakes, and maybe in the ice cream, too, just for good measure. Oh, but that would melt the ice cream. Just the cake, then. Ahh.... Eden would've just loved to be here...."