Charles,
This is not a letter I ever thought I would have to write; the country we reign over has seen many battles in its history and usually these battles are fought with husband and wife on the same side, however now I see we are fighting our own war, as opponents. It is something that was once unfathomable, for my love for you burns with ferocity in my chest, my love for you and our children gave me strength and hope, it gave me courage to face any foe; I had not known love before I married you.
Yet my heart aches, for my love has not vanished, it is still ever present and every day I do not speak to you or see you tares me to pieces, but I am also filled with rage. I am angered by you, but I am more angered at myself, at my own selfish acts upon Elizabethâs death, partly because I blame myself and honestly hating you made it easier for me to bear. I wanted you to feel my pain, to feel my anguish as I thought you didnât, or wouldnât, understand; a motherâs love is eternal and unconditional, I did not think that a fatherâs was the same. I punished you when I should have grieved with you and itâs only now, weeks later that I see my mistake and I am sorry that I could not swallow my pride or stubbornness and come to you, for I truly wanted nothing more than to feel your arms around me.
It is because of this that I have decided to take my leave to Pendlebury with mother and Cecily. I know you will take this letter as a slight to you and it will probably only intensify your hatred towards me, but please believe me when I say it is not out of spite that I am doing this, I fear the only way we can get back what we once had is by absence. But I shall not keep Cecily from you, she is currently the only light in both our lives, so when you wish it I am happy to send Cecily back to Briar under my brotherâs protection and under an armed guard, but I will remain in Pendlebury with mother until the time is right for me to return. I hope it will be before our child is born, however at this current time I am making preparation to birth the child at my childhood home, just in case.
In the mean time, I shall make sure Cecily writes to you often and read her any replies you may send; I will make sure she knows that you love her. Please know that I do still love you, but we are both broken and beaten and we need time for our wounds to heal.
Always,
Harriet.
As expected the Queenâs argument to this had been a stubborn one, she believed that if Charles truly wanted her or needed her, then he would come to her and secretly she wished he had done. Despite her refusal to see him and ordering her maids not to even mention him trying to visit her, Harrietâs heart had been trapped in whimsical romantic notions, he was the King of Seabel and nothing could stop Charles from seeing his wife, nothing had done so in the past and hence why she remained stoic in her decision, if Charles had truly wanted her, he would have come to her despite her obstacles.
âYour Grace, the carriage is all prepared.â Bridgette Poole, her chief lady-in-waiting announced upon entering the room. Harriet offered a curt nod and dismissed the woman with a swift wave of her hand, once she had folded that letter before her, she slipped it into an envelope and quickly scrawled Charlesâ name across the face. Once she was done, Harriet set the quill back down and rose from her chair, the action made a little less graceful by her stomach, which now clearly showed the Queenâs condition beneath the fabrics of her black gown. Placing one hand upon her swollen stomach, Harrietâs feet carried across the floor of her bedchambers, not looking back as she left her rooms, she had spent the best part of three weeks as a self processed prisoner of her room and she would be thankful for the change of scenery.
The past weeks had been near enough hell, her world had come crashing down around and she was completely powerless to stop it, her heart had broken, no, shattered, Harrietâs children were her world, they were the air she breathed and without them caused agony to serge through her. Elizabethâs death had caused a void within her which could never be filled, not truly anyway, she was just lucky to still have Cecily and this unborn child to keep her head above water; otherwise she would drowned by now.
As she walked down the corridor towards the courtyard, her eyes caught the rounded shape of Harold Pierrepont wading in front of her, seeing Harold caused a slight stir of apprehension at her plans to leave. Was it wise for her to leave Charles with both his mother and the fat diplomat, would they conspire against her whilst she was away? The truth was, she wasnât exactly sure, after all it was no secret that they didnât particularly like her as Queen, nor having the Stanfordâs in power, but she would take her chances. âPierrepontâ she called out, stopping the man in his tracks. âYour grace, how can I be of service?â Outstretching her hand, Harriet handed him the letter, [color=A4A4A4]âPlease make sure that Charles receives this, it is very important.â[/color] She watched as Harold gave her a curt nod and shoved the letter into his pocket, usually it would have angered her but today she simply walked away.
Upon reaching the courtyard, Cecily bounded towards her and despite her stomach Harriet bent down and picked up her daughter with a smile, holding her close, âAre you all ready my love?â she asked placing a kiss upon the girls flaxen locks. Cecily nodded eagerly, âWill papa be joining us?â
The mention of his name was enough for Harriet to shudder, she did feel somewhat guilty in leaving without warning but it was a feeling she quickly suppressed, âNot this time my love, but you will see him very soon I promise. Come now, your grandmother will be waiting for us at Pendlebury and we donât want to keep her waiting do we?â
The journey to Pendlebury had not been a particularly long one; it was less than a dayâs ride to her fatherâs home, but being four months pregnant took its toll on Harrietâs strength and she found herself sleeping most of the journey and thankfully Cecily had followed her motherâs example and took the journey to sleep also. When she had awoken, they had been less than a mile from Pendlebury and just in time also, for as they reached the estates cast iron gate the heavens opened, cascading a torrent of rain down upon their carriage. The storm set in for the night then on, rain lashed down with ferocity, the wind lapped at the trees and thunder clashed above them creating an almighty clasp and a blinding light and poor little Cecily had not left her motherâs side since it began.
Of course, Cecily had always been the most timid and frightful out of the golden haired Rayleigh girls, where as Lizzie had always been so strong and exuberant, very little scared the girl and when the storms happened she would quite often just stare out her window and watch, she was intrigued by everything, so much like her father. Putting Cecily to bed that night had been a battle in itself, she had cried and screamed bloody Mary for her father, for her protector and that had only rubbed salt into her wounds. Her guilt had become overwhelming and if it hadnât been for a sudden surge of inner strength, Harriet would have crumbled, but finally after singing soothing lullabies and a couple of short stories, Cecily was lulled into a soft slumber and Harriet returned to her mother.
Entering the smallest of the sitting rooms within the splendid Stanford home, Harriet immediately spotted Annabelle nestled in a plush armchair beside the fire, âshe is finally asleep.â Harriet sighed in relief as she poured both her and her mother a chalice of wine, handing it to her before taking a seat in the chair adjacent, âI must say, it does feel good to be home.â
Annabelle looked up at her eldest daughter with a warm smile, but the smile did not reach her eyes, it was lacking something, although whatever it was Harriet did not realise, or if she did she did not comment on it. âI am glad you are here also, I know I was a firm advocate for you remaining in Briar, but looking at you now you seem lighter, perhaps this time apart will do you both some good.â Her words were reassuring and stamped out some of the guilt which Cecily had stirred in her heart, âThank you mother, it eases my heart to hear you say that. Iâve been feeling recently that Cece too is joining in her fatherâs battle against me, she always cries for him, never meâŠâ As Harriet relayed her fears to her mother, her voice began to croak and crack under the strains of a sob.
Reaching out Annabelle grasped her daughters hand and gently ran her thumb over the gentle flesh of Harrietâs knuckles, âMy love, she had just lost her sister; she is confused and too young to comprehend what has truly happened. Cecily is in a strange place, itâs only natural that she is missing the parent that is not here, had Charles taken her to the Vale then she would be missing you just as equally, children are fickle like that.â Annabelle tried her best to lighten the mood, although it seemed to have the opposite effect on her daughter.
Harrietâs face twisted at her words, her tears clouding her steel hues as she choked on a sob, âI just miss her so much, mother, she was my baby and I-I just feel incomplete without her.â
âThat is only natural my love, the pain will never truly go away but with time it will get easier and I know that must sound redundant right now, but I swear to you it shall, but it only happen if you see the joy in what you have left. You are with child again, think of the joy you will feel when you hold that child in your arms and think of Cecilyâs joy when she meets her little brother or sister.â
For a moment Harriet paused, letting her motherâs words sink in, she was right, the past weeks had been likened to a dark pit of despair, but she could see some light and with every giggle which fell from her daughters lips or every time her hand grazed over her swollen stomach, that light shone a little brighter. Although it wasnât much of one, Harriet offered a small but thankful smile before sipping on her wine, suppressing her anguish for a more solitary time. âCan you believe that the last time I came here was just a few months after Cece was born,â she spoke quickly, mindful to change the subject.
Annabelle gasped suddenly, her eyes widening in shock, âTruly! It was that long ago?â Harriet nodded with a small laugh, âTruly, mother. I remember because EleanorâŠâ Suddenly she paused, the lump rising in her throat as she came to think of her sister, she could have done with her sister support during this time. âshe was so helpful with the girls, she stayed with them most nights, reading and singing them lullabies- mother how is she?â
For a brief moment Annabelle was stunned by Harrietâs sudden question over her sister wellbeing, before she had refused to so much as utter her name on occasion and so she took this as a welcomed development and hope that maybe, just maybe her family would not remain separated forever. Of course there was also the chance that she was just being too optimistic, for Harriet changed her mind as often as she changed her gowns, it was frequent. She nodded quickly, âShe is well, it is very close to the end of her pregnancy and so that frightens her a little bit.â
Harriet nodded along, her expression close to stoic as she continued to sip on her wine. It was only natural for a woman to be scared as her pregnancy drew to a close, she herself had been petrified once her labour pains began, especially the first time, but she had also been lucky enough to have her mother and her sister in the birthing room for comfort, Eleanor would have none of that. âIs the pregnancy progressing normally?â she asked with a hint of concern in her tone. Harriet wasnât sure what had brought on the urge to enquire about her sisterâs pregnancy, she had known for months and truthfully she had only worried about it in the past. Her sisterâs miscarriages were well known about court and few seldom suspected that she would get this far without another and shamefully Harriet had been one of those people, but as the months dragged on and Eleanorâs pregnancy progressed, her own fears grew as did her own pressure to produce an heir. She and Charles had always been active in that area; they did not just have sex to produce children but also for the love and passion they shared with one another and more often than not the pair struggled to keep their hands of each other. However after Cecily, a long gap transpired until her next pregnancy, close to four years in fact and Harriet had begun to worry that she may never give her husband a son. Thankfully that may not be the case after all. Now, to Harriet it did not matter what Eleanor birthed, be it a boy or a girl, because with this pregnancy it just proved that she wasnât baron and should it be a girl, she was confident boys would come one day, however Charles might not be as patient, especially now. No, it did not matter what the exiled Queen birthed, Harriet just hoped that the babe was healthy, she couldnât bear the thought of her sister another child, not now, not now she knows that pain.
âBy all accounts, yes. However there is still the risk and I do worry for her so, I do not know if she could cope up there if it happens again.â Annabelle sighed as Harriet frowned at the thought, âIt is worrying.â she admitted truthfully. âYouâve not written to her about Lizzie have you? I would like you to do so but I fear what the shock would do to her.â
Annabelle shook her head as she brought the chalice down from her lips, âNo, noâŠbut I did write to Jonathan, I wanted him to know before James found out. Although I donât know how well he could hide, I donât suspect he took the news well, he always loved your children.â Harriet smiled softly, remembering the times both Jonathon and George were ensnared in Lizzieâs and Ceceâs trap, even from a babe she had both her brothers wrapped around her finger. âGood, Iâm glad you told him before another did.â
Stunned into silence, tears rose within Annabelleâs blue hues, her shaking hand coming to cover her trembling lip, had Harriet honestly just suggested she go North to be by her youngest daughterâs side as she gave birth. Was it some cruel trick of her mind? Or rather a cruel trick of Harrietâs? Surely the Queen of Seabel could not be suggesting that her own mother took the treasonous journey to the Northern Kingdom to see her exiled children, surely not? âOh Harriet you must not tease me with such things.â
âIt is not a jape mother, I am telling you to go. No one will notice and if they do, then I can easily cover your absence.â Reaching out she grasped her motherâs hand, âWhy?â Harriet merely sighed at the breathy question, âbecause I have come to realise the meaning of family. My loyalties will forever lie with Charles and a part of meâŠthe part of me that is Queen can never truly forget nor forgive what they did. However I am also their sister and so my love for them out ways my anger, Iâve just been too stubborn to admit it. You once asked me what I would do if I had two divided children and I couldnât answer back then, but nowâŠnow, I would truly do anything to see Lizzie once again.
Annabelle was speechless, but she did rise to her feet pulling Harriet with her and embrace her daughter warmly, âBut what about you? I cannot leave you alone with your grief.â
âIt would cause me more grief if you did not go. Honestly mother I shall be fine, I have Lady Poole to keep me company and George will be coming in a few days, you honestly neednât worry.â Beaming brightly Annabelle pressed her lips against her daughter brow in a affection and lasting kiss before pulling away, âThank you my love, thank you so much.â