Snippet #2525822

Deidre leaned against a wall. Right, you have a lot to work on. I can talk so that has to count for something. She suddenly felt a little grumpy. Watching Tim work with Arin, to watch them move and figure things out was fascinating but the more she watched the less it made sense to her. She put her head down. So I have to try harder. Or give up. I can't be a liability to them.

"Here." Arey said handing Deirdre a bottle of water before sliding next to her. Watching Arin help give Tim some one on one instruction was a good excuse for a water break, and with the intense session they were having today, it seemed like a good idea. "How are you holding up with the sword stuff?" Arey asked making conversation.

Deirdre looked up, pulled from her thoughts by Arey's voice. "Oh, hi." She smiled slightly as she took the bottle of water. "I am not doing very well but I am trying. You guys have the benefit of past life you helping you feel comfortable with it all. I unfortunately have no such luck with that. I was thinking of seeing if I could get in some practice time when the rest of you weren't around. I mean, you and Tim are naturals. Kat has had previous lessons so no reason for me to take all of Arin's time so he can hold my hand to make sure I don't hurt myself. Maybe if I get extra time, on my own I won't be so far behind. I don't want to slow anyone down. I also don't do well with failure and right now I kind of feel like I am. It is that whole 'expectations to live up to thing'." She shrugged. "Not you guys, my own thing you know?"

Deirdre was careful to make sure there was a good amount of space between her and Arey. She felt guilty for the previous day's flashback and how it had affected everyone but mostly Arey. The guilt made her wince. "Arey...we didn't really get a chance to talk yesterday and I just wanted to say I am sorry."

She fiddled with her water bottle. "I am sorry for a lot of what went on yesterday. The flashback, the deal with the fae."

Arey worried her bottom lip with her teeth for a moment as Deirdre tried to apologize. This conversation was overdue, but with everything that had happened yesterday, neither of them had really been up for that kind of uncomfortable and awkward conversation. "It was a bad situation." Arey offered, eyes fixated on the bottle in her hands with a little too much interest.

"We'll find a better way to handle it next time." Her comment applied to both their emotionally intense flashback, and the fae, as Arey felt equally certain both of those situations were bound to happen again. Arey didn't have a choice apparently, not with the fae anyway. She was still kind of reeling from the knowledge that her soul was somehow bound to Faery, and though she wasn't quite sure how to feel about it yet, the knowledge made her uneasy.

Deirdre nodded. "Right, next time." Arey was looking at her water bottle. "I am sure we can make things better." She shifted uncomfortably. "I did the best I could with the deal. I really am sorry Arey." She took a drink of water.

"I know you did." Arey agreed, trying to shoot her a weak smile. "What happened wasn't your fault, and maybe if I was just a stronger person it wouldn't have bothered me so much. We're not putting Tim in that position again though, or any of us for that matter. No playing bait, or distraction, or anything even remotely like that." Arey said firmly.

"I don't know what she's going to do, but I got the impression that she's going to exploit the power she has over us for all its worth. We have to make sure none of us are put in a positions to get tied to her anymore than we already are." Arey continued almost tiredly, feeling mentally exhausted just thinking about Maighdlin. "You...you handled yourself really well last night. I was the one having trouble holding it together, so don't apologize for doing a good job. If anything I need to apologize to you for not dealing with that well. God knows I need to make it up to Tim."

Deirdre shook her head. "You don't need to explain. You did fine. It was really intense, that's all. We will do what needs to get done and keep everyone safe. We can keep her blocked out as much as we can like Bal showed us. I only did what we agreed on." They still hadn't talked about the flashback. She was fine not bringing it up. It made her uncomfortable knowing what she did to Arey, the strain she had put on her. "So things are fine..."

Deirdre's eyes were on her feet. "You did fine Arey." She went to put her hand on Arey's arm but stopped, fearing a flashback. She scratched her leg instead.

"Right..." Arey sighed, catching Deirdre's aborted movement, her mind going back to the flashback they'd dealt with last night. That had been more than just intense, it had been crippling, for both of them. Just thinking about this gave Arey the strong urge to repress and ignore, because in all honesty she didn't want to deal with the fact that she often had to internally deal with the feelings and urges of a thirty something year old man, which was just all kinds of awkward as a straight not even twenty something year old girl. Ignoring this was dangerous though, they'd seen that last night. They were both going to have to figure out some kind of outlet for this, otherwise there was no telling what might happen the next time their past selves fought their way to the surface.

"Don't hate me for bringing it up, but I think we need to figure some stuff out after last night..." Arey said quietly, trying to not feel awkward about it.

"Nothing to figure out. Like you said we will just do what we can to keep that fae woman from taking advantage of us." Deirdre kept looking at her feet. "I don't hate you Arey." Her voice went low. "I just don't want you to hate me for what I did. The things that are my fault..." Guilt, not all her own washed over her. "I maybe should go...you know they are almost done..." She gestured towards Arin and Tim.

"That wasn't your fault, and I don't hate you." Arey assured calmly. "That...also wasn't what I was talking about..." She continued, feeling awkward about this again. "The um...incident last night where we kind of both...lost it...got overtaken, god I don't even know what we're supposed to call that!" Arey said with a dry humorless laugh.

"Oh. Yeah I suppose we should...look I was trying to make you feel better but Guin...I mean she just got too touchy, not touchy..emotional. It is all my fault that it got so emotional and carried away. I am sorry. I will be really, really careful from now on." Deirdre put one arm around herself.

"Please don't take this the wrong way, but D, you've got to stop blaming yourself for everything that happens here. We both had a meltdown, and we both escalated each other. That whole mess was as much Arthur's fault and mine as with was you or Guin's, so I think first off we need to assume some mutual responsibility on this ok?" Arey said firmly as she put a gentle hand on Deirdre's shoulder. "I also don't think this is a matter of us being careful. I don't know how it works for you, but for me sometimes it feels like fighting back a hurricane in my head when he wants up to the surface." She admitted.

Deirdre bit her lower lip as Arey put a hand on her shoulder. "She just takes over. If things get emotional, when I feel things similar to what she feels she takes advantage." She shook her head. "I knew better than to go near you. You were already upset and you reacted. I just have to learn how to read the situation better. With Arin I can tell what is me and what is Guinevere. With you, she just takes over." Deirdre shrugged slightly. "Not blaming myself for everything just the things I do. Yes we both escalated but I shouldn't have started it. I should have let Tim or Arin help you."

"Well historically speaking you're usually the one who gets through to me when I'm having that kind of...identity crisis. How were you supposed to know this time would be different?" Arey offered in comfort. "I have no bloody idea what I might have done to Arin if he'd tried. If you think what's going on in his head between us is confusing...jesus he's pretty much bipolar with Lance." Arey tried for ironic humor, though she wasn't sure how successful she was.

Deirdre winced. "Well we should only let Tim come near you when that happens then I guess. I really wish I was a better help instead of just this whole making him take over." She shook her head. "Hey Arey, look I don't want to do that to you. I don't want to make Arthur take over it isn't fair to you." She tried to smile. "Guess Tim was right when he said to send me away to make things easier. Sorry, stuck with me now."

"You didn't make him take over, he was already there. You're right about that taking advantage thing. When I feel something similar to him, he sometimes surges forward, tries to take charge. I was upset because that fear of people being willing to put my safety above their own, that fear that someone was going to get hurt because of me was one he constantly lived with. Letting him slip through on that almost felt natural, and that's what scares me the most about that whole thing." Arey tried to explain. "And no, as much as I adore Tim, he was dead wrong about that. I think sending you away would only agitate him more, and I wouldn't appreciate losing a friend." She said with a small smile.

"I have no plans to go anywhere. I was trying to...never mind. " Deirdre looked towards Arin and Tim then back to Arey. "It isn't that we want to put our safety above yours but Vivienne made it very clear that we are only here to do whatever it takes to make sure you succeed. I don't envy you that position, I don't and Guin is very steadfast in her belief in standing up for Arthur. It was never about him as the king...about the leader." Her voice dropped. "Never mind. Look Arey, I am not going anywhere at all. It was just really shitty to see my presence, my words impacting you so much. I will try to be careful is all. You have more than enough to deal with without me adding emotional upheaval to it. Plus it really upset Tim and Arin..." She looked over at him. "Wasn't exactly a picnic for him either. I am really good at doing things that upset you all and I just want to try not to have that happen. I guess...I guess that was the whole point of the apology." Vivienne's words, back when she first met her came to mind. Deirdre knew it wasn't for her but for Guinevere. She wondered just how much time the queen had spent apologizing and in tears. Bet I am on par with her. Deirdre's thoughts grew slightly darker. That was why she shut herself away in the convent. To keep them both from her and the damage she caused.

She shook her head, sending her ponytail swinging. "I just have to get better at holding her back. She really, really....REALLY wants to fix things but I feel like I am doomed to repeat it over and over again. The last time it felt like the guilt was going to rip me apart. The way she felt, the guilt for the things she caused, not cool." She turned her eyes back to Arey. "I'll do better. I promise and you won't lose a friend." Deirdre smiled at Arey. "Promise." She put a hand on Arey's arm and held her breath.

"I guess it wasn't." Arey agreed, shoving down the feeling of guilt over that entire situation with Arin thrown in now too. "You're not doomed to repeat anything D. We're different people. I'll try to be better about keeping Arthur back too, it shouldn't be all on you to keep that from happening again. That ass hole has been screwing with my life too much lately as it is. I have to do a better job of keeping him separate and out of the driver's seat in my head." Arey admitted quietly, pulling her legs up to her chest. She was really beginning to hate Arthur, the responsibility and the baggage he came with, but also his domineering will power. Arey could be stubborn when she wanted to be, but most I the time she didn't feel up to the challenge when it came to going up against Arthur in a battle of wills when he wanted out.

"We are different but I can't help but feel like..." Deirdre shook her head. "No, nope. I am not doing this again." She winced a little as Arey referred to Arthur as an asshole. Guinevere had some things to say on that front as well but D quickly pushed her down. "Arin has the right idea. We need to learn to merge them. Push them down when we don't need them and use their strengths when we can. Problem is they really want to fix the parts that got messed up and seem to forget that there are good parts too. Course I forget too. It is a little much is all. If we both try it should work. I just wanted to say I was sorry for making it worse yesterday."

Deirdre stood. "Looks like they are done. Time for showers." She smiled at Arey. "And thanks Arey...for this. Just going to take time I guess." In the back of her mind D made a note that avoiding Arey, just for a little while still seemed like the best option. She needed to work on Guinevere and Arey needed time. With school and work Deirdre didn't think it would be too hard not to cause another episode.
****
Deirdre waited around, lingering against the wall as everyone headed off to their showers and Arin cleaned up. She brought him over a few things. "Can I ask you a favour?"

"You can." He stood up from putting the last equipment away and looked at her, "What's up?"

She looked down at her feet. "I sort of suck at this whole sword thing. I am worried that I am going to be a detriment to the team if fighting ever occurs. I was wondering...would you mind taking time one on one with me to help me get better? I mean I don't want to take all your time in the class and I don't have the past life to help make any of this feel natural."

Arin smiled, "For sure! Easy done. A little extra one on one time with you will not be an experience I try to avoid."

Deirdre smiled and looked up at him. "Thank you Arin. I just don't want to slow the class down."

He shrugged, "The class is the class. Everyone responds differently. I'll take individual time with anyone where it's needed. Like I did with Tim today. Still, I'm more than happy to help you. If you're interested it will certainly catch you up to the past life advantage quicker."

"Thank you." Deirdre hugged Arin tightly. "I feel so terrible about how crappy I am at this. I really appreciate it!"

He hugged her back, "No worries. You're not crappy. You have grace, and balance, and body awareness. You might not have the physical strength, but you can use what you're best at. Your specialities will help you not be where a person is aiming. You can move out of the way while keeping on target. Create more openings and even if you can't get the one big killing blow you can win by a thousand paper cuts. You'll be fine." He had spent time watching each of their styles and had a good strategy for every one of them that would use their weaknesses as strength and emphasize what they were already good at. Delivering his take on Deirdre's style was easy.

"I feel so awkward and the sword is heavy." Deirdre laid her head on his shoulder. "I just need to work harder is all. Shower?"

"We'll find you the right weapon. Even if you have to use a few swords to figure it out." He winked. "Yeah, a shower is a good plan. You want to use mine? Or you want some time to yourself?"

"I can grab clothes and shower at your place if that is alright? Oh unless you have stuff to do. Maybe I should study...I have taken a lot of your time lately. Not that I haven't enjoyed it, I have really. Okay...I don't know." She sighed. "How about this. I will go grab some clothes, shower at your place and maybe spend some time with you and then I should get some studying in." Deirdre looked over at him questioningly.

Arin smiled, "Works for me. I thought you'd might... Well, I saw you talking with Arey and I didn't want to assume. You might have stuff to think about? Maybe you'd want time alone? But, no, it's great. We'll stop at yours first."

"Oh..." Deirdre looked away. "I was just trying to apologize for what I did yesterday. She told me to stop blaming myself and I said that we should maybe sort of stay away from each other for a bit but she didn't really agree but I am worried..."

He frowned slightly, “D, you know, if you and Arey have things to work out... and I kinda think you do... Just... work them out okay? Don’t worry about me. I’ll be able to handle whatever.”

Deirdre moved away from Arin, turning her back to him. “It isn’t you that I don’t think can handle things. It is me.”

Deirdre kept her back to him. “It is best for Arey and I to stay away from each other for now. At least till we both learn how to keep them tucked away better around each other. That guilt...no and I won’t ignore you to deal with it. That isn’t right. This isn’t about them and I can’t do that again.” She ran her hands through her hair in order to stop herself from making fists. She clenched her teeth together, her body going a little stiff.

Arin stepped in close and put his arms around her soothingly, “Nope. Not ignoring. Never said you were and never felt that way. There are things that need to be overcome and hiding from them won’t help it. I don’t agree. Avoiding her is not an option as it will not give you practice controlling them when they try to push through. You need to do it. And I know that. All I’m saying is, I will be there when it’s over so you can always have that anchor. I won’t interfere during unless I’m actually going to help. However, I won’t leave you. I will be there and waiting when you’re ready.”

Deirdre was glad her back was to him as he couldn’t see the tears that started to form.

“That...yesterday I thought it was going to kill me it hurt so badly. I couldn’t get her to stop. I can’t do that again Arin. I can’t do that to Arey. Or you or Tim. Until I can figure out what it is that she wants me to do to fix it I can’t do that again.”

Arin pulled her in tight and buried his face in her neck, “I’m sorry D, but yes you can. And you will. That’s just the way it’ll be. You have to remember, Arey/Arthur also need help and practice to control it. Trust me. Seeing it happen to you two... knowing exactly what you’re going through but being unable to stop it... that’s no better. No matter what, you will have to work through it. I am fine. I understand. Tim... he’ll have to learn quick or not. That’s not your problem. You can’t help him. I will try. But it’s also not the same perspective. Eventually you and Arey and Guin and Arthur will have to figure things out. When you’re ready, I will add Lance. But not too soon. We all need to work through it or else it will tear us apart again.”

Deirdre put her hands on her face. Her shoulders shook under Arin’s face. “It isn’t fair. Why am I even here if all it does is hurt everyone? You saw...you heard...I am the cause of all of that. I thought I was helping and it just got worse. I haven’t even considered what will happen if Lancelot should choose to have his say. I am not strong enough. She chose the wrong person.”

Arin snorted, “Lance will have his say when I’m damn good and ready. He doesn’t choose shit. You don’t hurt. It’s not you. All three of us have a stake.” He spun her around and lifted her head, a little more forcefully than he intended, but not enough to hurt, “And if you deny your own strength again...” He took a breath, “No... No... look, you aren’t as weak as you think you are. Stop putting yourself down. You stood up to the queen of the fae. All I could do was stand quietly and look stoic. I had nothing. You had everything. You are the reason we will come together, eventually. It will hurt. It will be hard. But it will happen.”

Her heart was pounding in her chest, so much so that her ribs hurt. Her eyes were wide, a bit of fear in them. She had nothing to say to him. He made good points but she couldn’t find any words at that moment. Arin had moved her around and it was not entirely gentle. There was a force to it that seemed very unlike him. Deirdre nodded slowly.

Arin saw the fear in her eyes and sighed. He let her go and backed away. He sunk to the floor, sitting. “Fuck you Lance, fuck you. Seriously. You want Guin so much but you get all pissed. Nice work.”

Deirdre didn’t know what to do. She stood there watching Arin sit down. “Arin...”

She swallowed. Very slowly she moved towards him and knelt in front of him. “Earendil...please...I...I am just scared. It doesn’t seem like you. I have never seen you like this...” Deirdre reached to put a hand on his knee.

Arin looked up at her sorrowfully, “D... I...” He sighed, “The one time I have difficulty controlling Lance is when he and I are angry. His temper pushes through so easy. I... don’t even know why.”

He reached out and put his hand on hers, “I don’t like to see you put yourself down so much. It was just enough of a door for him to come through. He feels like shit right now. About like what I do. He knows he shouldn’t treat you like that. He did enough times to Guin. He’s sorry. I’m sorry. But that’s not an excuse. I should be better at that. I’m not.” He lowered his head.

She shook her head. Deirdre shifted closer. “Please don’t push me away. I don’t want to hurt you too.”

Arin grabbed her and pulled her into a hug, “Oh god D, far from that. I just... I saw you scared. I didn’t want to make it worse. He doesn’t know my strength. I’m afraid. I’m scared he’ll hurt you. He has hurt a lot of people when I was younger. I need to stop him from being angry. I need to not be angry. You didn’t make me angry. It’s not your fault. Don’t blame yourself. Never blame yourself for other’s reactions.”

“Why is he angry?” She whispered. She laid against Arin, hugging him as best as she could in their present positions.

“He saw Guin blame herself too often. He saw her put herself down as if it were her weakness that she was with him. It wasn’t. He should have been stronger. Arthur should have been more attentive. It wasn’t her fault that Lance was sent to her all the time. Why couldn’t Arthur be the one? She was his wife?” He faded off.

Deirdre’s stomach tightened. Her body tensed in Arin’s arms. “It wasn’t a weakness. She loved him. She relied on him. She just couldn’t help how she felt about either of them. Her fault lay in not...just she did so much the wrong way and there was so much hurt and anger. She should have left earlier but she didn’t want to.”

Arin snorted, “See. Not a single point of failure there. Guin could have stopped it by leaving. Lance could have stopped it by being more self sacrificing. Arthur could have stopped it by just paying attention to his wife. Or, in the end, they all could have just accepted the way it was and dealt with it.” He shook his head, “That’s why we all need to deal with it. That’s why you can’t avoid her. And you must stop blaming yourself as if you were the single point of failure.”

Deirdre put her head on his shoulder. “I don’t know how to do that. The guilt is really terrible. I don’t know what to do with it and Vivienne said...”

“I don’t care what Viv said. She’s biased. She’s my mom and looking out for me first and I love her for that, but it’s not helpful. I know... I know it’s terrible. Horrible guilt. You think I don’t feel it? The point is, avoiding it isn’t the answer. Being you. Deirdre. Being who you are. You are not her. You have nothing to be feeling guilty about. That will be the way you reign her in. Shut her guilt down. She had her chance. She fucked it up. Now is your turn. And you won’t.”

“I didn’t mean that you didn’t understand...” She was shaking now. “She did do it wrong.” Deirdre knew it but to hear it from Arin felt like a punch to the stomach. “I won’t do it wrong because I won’t be in the same place that she was. I did mess up though...I got in the way of you and Arey, what might have been.”

“They all did it wrong. Not just her.” Arin waved a hand dismissively, “No. Arey made her choice clear.”

“Arey tried to tell me that I need to stop blaming myself for everything. I didn’t feel like I should be here, from the moment Tim and Kat told me what was going on and now I am scared that I have made things so complicated because I don’t want to leave and this isn’t just a crush anymore.” Deirdre lifted her eyes to look at Arin. “Sorry but I think there is more there...”

Arin smiled, "How is it complicated? And why are you sorry? Crushes don't last long, one way or another."

Deirdre sighed, her eyes looking away briefly. "It is complicated because when those flashbacks happen, when the guilt pushes over everything else I can't stop it right now. It is complicated because clearly there was something with you and Arey. Bal's exercise showed that, you told her so. It is complicated because there is a connection with Arey that makes things strange at times when I don't mean it to be. It isn't simple and me being here made it that way. I am not going anywhere though. I know that for certain. And I didn't mean to imply the crush didn't exist I just think it is not the same now." She looked down. "Now is not the time for that though things are messy enough. I saw your face when you came to me on the floor after...after the whole Arthur thing. I saw you now, when Lancelot's anger got the better of the situation. I need to keep myself in check to help everyone else." She smiled sadly.

Arin shook his head, "Too many topics. You're pushing too many things all in together. No wonder you think it's complicated. How about we take them one at a time? Pick one idea and we'll see if it holds up."

Deirdre frowned. "Like what? Where do I start?"

"What's bothering you the most? What idea is making you feel so overwhelmed that you're complicating them together?"

"The flashbacks, the way it hurts everyone." Deirdre looked at her hands. "That I can't stop them."

"Okay. That's only complicated in that it doesn't have an immediate solution." He shrugged, "Unfortunately, they will continue until you've had a chance to fully incorporate them. Then, they don't go away, they just are more expected and easier to recover from. You won't be able to stop them. Don't try. That will make them more complex than they need to be. The hurt is part of the incorporation. Our pasts have a lot to work through that they never did then. We have to help them or it will always hurt."

"I don't know how to do that. I try and it just causes more. If not with them with us, now." Deirdre lifted her hands in a helpless gesture. "It is all just hurt. And more guilt. And I can't stop that either."

"Nope. You can't. Hence having to work through it. It has to happen and, hopefully, we come out better at the end. Avoiding it now just lengthens the time that it will hurt."

"I don't want that. I don't want to hurt them. I don't want to hurt you." Deirdre looked at him. "I care too much for that."

Arin smiled sadly, "Well, you can't hurt them. They already did that. And, you will hurt me. I will hurt you. Comes with the territory. And that would be true without the past lives. That just adds another layer. However, that extra layer is what we can deal with and shorten the duration. Unfortunately, this will be one time where you caring will seem in contrast to the actions you have to take. You have to work through it with all of us because you care. If you didn't, you'd be able to just walk away."

Arin took her hand, "And trust me, you walking away would hurt a hell of a lot more."

Her eyes softened. "I don't want to walk away, ever." She shrugged a little. "Hiding is what I know but I have never loved anyone or anything the way I do you. Can't just walk away from that. It is painful to even consider." Deirdre looked down.

Arin cocked his head at her, "You... what?" His voice was quiet.

"I can't walk away." Deirdre cocked her head as well.

"Yeah, yeah. Got that part. You never... me?" Arin wasn't sure he heard her right and he didn't want to put words in her mouth.

Deirdre paled. "Oh...I did that wrong. I shouldn't have told you I felt that way...It's okay...I-I only recently figured out what to call....well that it was love..."

"Why? Why do you think you shouldn't tell me?" Arin was torn between surprise and confusion. He was a little surprised by how fast and honest it was, but confused by her backtracking now.

"Because you seem a bit...I did it wrong didn't I. That isn't how you tell someone that you love them. I am sorry. I don't know how to do this Arin." Her shoulders slumped and she looked down. "I wish I had done that better, you deserve to be told in a better way."

"I'm a bit... surprised, yes. It seems so natural and easy. I didn't expect that." Arin smiled at her, "In what way would it be better?"

"It was easy. I just knew. I just couldn't name it and then I knew." Deirdre worried her lip. "I don't know but you seem...unsure and I am sure and that is okay. I don't need you to be sure." She looked away.

"Oh. No. I'm sure." Arin pulled her into him, "Sorry, I was a little thrown. I didn't process it quick enough." He kissed her.

Deirdre was stunned. She pulled away a moment and looked at him. "Thank you." She didn't know what to do now. "I am glad it is okay." She nodded. "So it is okay?"

Arin kissed her again, softly. He broke the kiss but kept his forehead on hers, "Deirdre, I love you too. Of course it's okay."

"You do?" Deirdre's eyes were on his. "Really?" She smiled. "Earendil I love you."

"I do. Like I said. It seemed easy. And I almost missed it because it is obvious." He was still smiling at her. "I'm glad you pointed it out. It may have taken me weeks to realize it."

"Did I rush it?" Deirdre was still looking at him, her smile watching his. "It is easy and right and I was laying in bed when it hit me..."

"Oh, sorry about that. I move around a lot when I sleep." He grinned.

"No, no...I meant I couldn't sleep..I was thinking about you and us and it just suddenly was there...I love you and it made sense. I didn't want to tell you, I mean I did but I didn't know how you tell someone that. No one has ever told me that so I wasn't sure and then I just went and said it...but it was okay." Deirdre rambled. "I...wow okay...you love me too."

Arin chuckled, "Yes, D. It is okay. And I do love you too. Sometimes, over planning it doesn't help. A little surprise now and then keeps you on your toes."

"I surprised you..." Deirdre smiled.

Arin smiled, "Yeah. A bit. Just kinda threw it in there, all nonchalant. Like it was an everyday thing."

"I wasn't really thinking. I was responding to you saying me walking away would be worse. I was trying to state why I couldn't and well, you are sort of the big reason." She blushed.

"Alright. I like that." Arin let her go and sat straight. "Easy enough then. You don't leave. Kinda settles the complications then?"

"Does it or does it make it worse? I guess...well it might make things harder with Arey. Easier with you. I am still going to doubt myself." Deirdre frowned. "No, not going anywhere and if this is going to be hard but has to be done at least I have you with me." She nodded slowly. "I will try not to take the blame and try not to doubt myself but I won't always succeed and I am sorry if that makes Lancelot angry."

He looked at her, "See, that's the thing. Even between you and I there is a need to deal with Lance and Guin. We have to let them free at some point to fully deal with where we're at. I just wanted to make sure you and I were a real thing before I let him cloud it. What he is thinking and what I am thinking won't always be the same. However, if there is one thing that will upset us both it's you thinking you are less than amazing. We both agree. You are fucking brilliant. As D... and as Guin. Let that be what it is and don't countermand it." He smiled, "Even if you are the queen, we still get to tell you that you are amazing and mean it."

Deirdre had to fight against herself, against the urge to argue that she wasn't a queen. She knew that was mostly from her parents, her constant struggle against the idealized version of herself that they wanted. Her eyes were on Arin's face. Her hand reached out to touch his cheek. He didn't want an ideal. He wanted her. He didn't want more than who she was, he thought who she was was amazing.

"I want to be me, just me...I am going to try really, really hard not to doubt myself or take on the blame when I didn't do anything." She closed her eyes for a moment. "You think I am amazing." She smiled slightly.

"Absolutely. No question."

"So, any other complications we can take care of then? We seemed to settle that one." He grinned.

"Complications? I don't even know anymore. Everything seems..." Deirdre shook her head. "I just need time to get a handle on Guinevere's guilt. I don't want to be consumed by it and I was pretty close to that yesterday. That won't help anyone."

"No. Being consumed by it won't. But avoiding it won't either. There's a part where we deal with the past. Accept that it's past and that we are not them. But in order to do that, we have to let them work themselves out of their own issues. Kinda easy for me to say, especially now. Lance's issue was he wanted Guin. I can check that off I guess." He grinned. "Not the same. He's not getting Guin, but he doesn't have to watch Guin and Arthur right now, so I don't have as hard of a time. But that is why you shouldn't feel bad for me when you and Arey work it out. I have the easier path. Just remember that and don't worry about me."

Deirdre's mouth formed a straight line. "Don't worry about you? I don't think that is how things work. Yes...this time Lancelot doesn't have to see them together but even if it is easier, which I am not positive it is, I am not just going to stop worrying about you." She nodded firmly. "And you can't make me not worry."

Arin chuckled, "Okay, okay. I get it. Not worrying isn't the absolute. I more meant, it's not something that you need to walk on eggshells around. I can deal with it. I don't want you avoiding her because you think I'd have a problem with it. That's all I mean."

"I was avoiding because it seemed cruel to make Arthur have that much sway over Arey. I feel terrible that he was so strong. Nothing could stop him and that was not fair. I didn't know it was going to be that...overwhelming. And then you sat there, you waited for me and I don't want to do that to anyone. I need to learn better control before I go doing that again. I can't avoid her though and it isn't what she wants either." Deirdre laid her forehead on Arin's chest.

"Okay. I'm sounding a bit self centred here. Again, not quite what I meant. I'm not the only reason for any decision you make about Guin and Arthur. I know that. I am trying to make myself not at all part of that decision. I know I can't go that far, but I can try and minimize it as much as possible." He put his arms around her, "Of course I sat there. You think I was going to walk away from you? Control comes with practice. Same as anything. Maybe you practice letting he go with me. Now that we know we're good, it'll be easier to let her out and you can practice holding her back?"

He paused, "I could try and offer the same thing with Arey. Lance and Arthur didn't have an attraction like that. We'd be more rivals. There'd be jealousy there. But it shouldn't overwhelm as much. And Arey and I should be able to deal with rivalry better than the guilt and attraction you two have. She can practice controlling Arthur while she takes out his frustrations and such on Lance." He chuckled.

"Maybe? Arey didn't seem too keen on the idea of you helping her when I mentioned it would have been better for you to go to her yesterday. She said she was worried about what she might have done but it might not be a bad idea. Maybe...have some tea nearby, just in case? You know, to help her if he is too strong. If she goes for the idea I mean."

Deirdre looked up at Arin. "As for Guin and Lance..." She chuckled. "Could we maybe let that happen after we have sex for the first time? I kind of feel like if I let her out now she is going to do things I am not ready for and I would really, really like my first time to be with you, not Lancelot. No offense to him but I don't love him."

Arin smiled, "That's a deal. I can wait for that. I'd much rather D than Guin, as well."

Deirdre shifted so that she could kiss him. Her arms circled his neck. "Alright then we are agreed. We come first."

"I guess we would." He winked.

Deirdre cocked her head and looked thoughtful before a blush slowly spread up her cheeks. "Oh, I...not what I was referring to." She looked at his shoulder. "Can we go get my clothes and shower now? I'd like some time with you that isn't spent sitting on a floor." Deirdre smiled.

"Right. Good plan." He helped her to her feet.