The revelry of the festival slowly faded away as Haki and Kiara walked further towards her home. She wasnāt honestly sure how she felt about his insistence on walking her homeābecause whatever terms heād put it in, that was what he was really aiming to do. On the one hand, her rebellious heart was fluttering madly, because it wasnāt that hard to get from this situation to thoughts of what had happened last time they were by themselves, and her stupid little crush was not as against a repeat as the rest of her was, to put it one way. On the other hand, thoughā¦ the air between them was thick and heavy and silent, and it just felt awkward. Painfully so.
Whatever her other feelings might be, whatever mistakes or misinformed judgements had been made last time, he was still her friend. She still cared for him, more deeply than she was willing to admit to herself, even. And because of that, this enforced, uncomfortable silence, entirely bereft of the light joking and laughter that had become typical of her time with him, hurt. It was like sheād lost something precious, something she hadnāt even realized she needed. Butā¦ the way something crawled beneath her skin now, making her uncommonly anxious and jumpy, wellā¦ she could no longer deny how much it just plain sucked to be in these circumstances.
And she realized it was all too damn ridiculous. Haki was her best friend, the best one sheād ever had, and she wasnāt going to lose him to some kind of misunderstanding. She loved Rika and Fang more dearly than her own life, but if someone would ask her, directly and honestly, who the most important person in her life was, the one sheād really, truly, never be able to stand losing, then she wouldnāt hesitate. It was him.
Always him.
The realization gave her courage enough to loosen her tongue. āHaki, stop.ā She reached out from her position walking slightly behind him and caught the fabric of his shirt in her hand. He hadnāt even come dressed to the damn festivalāand he was usually the first one to go all out for something silly and fun like that. It was part of the reason she liked him so much, why sheā¦ Kiara shook her head, swallowing past the lump in her throat. She had to fix this somehow, make it right again, go back to the way things used to be. She couldnāt let it go on like this, where they barely talked to each other and he used her actual name instead of the ridiculous moniker. She had to make it rightābut she wasnāt sure how.
āIām sorry.ā
Silence he could do. The uncomfortable tension between them, he couldn't. It was getting a little annoying if he had to put a proper word on it. It made him angry. Angry at her, himself, and all the little things in between. He was, more importantly, broken. He knew better, and yet, he couldn't hold himself back. He had come so close to losing her, and on more than one occasion. Could he really fault himself for doing that? Perhaps, if he had done so without laughing about it afterwards. He knew the risks of what would happen, if she didn't take it well, and that had scared him the most. Now that he knew how she felt, he wasn't so sure he could go back to the way things were. He called her by her name, now, and even then it still felt odd.
He shifted in his spot, stopped only when the sound of her voice entered his ears, and he turned to regard her with a flat gaze. He didn't mean to give her that look, however; he was lost in his own thoughts at the moment. The words finally managed to settle, and he pursed his lips into a fine line. Sorry? She was sorry? What did she have to be sorry for? For slapping him? What reason did she have to apologize? He could not think of one. He shook his head, sighing softly through his nose as he continued to regard her. He remained silent for a few minutes, allowing what he wanted to say to digest a little longer in his mind. He couldn't afford to be loose with his words, not now.
"Why are you sorry? You did nothing wrong, Kiara. You just made things clear, that was all," he spoke, his voice losing most of the edge it once had. It was monotonous, almost, and his eyes were half lidded. "You should not apologize when you did nothing wrong. Not everything is always your fault, you know," he continued. She seemed, to him, to do that a lot, and he didn't like it. She should apologize only when she wronged someone, not when she did absolutely nothing wrong.
She could detect some kind of irritation in his voice, and while ordinarily it might prompt the same in her, right now it just made her more miserable. Because it only confirmed that there was a reason for her to apologize. Something about the way sheād handled things had hurt him, and though she wasnāt sure exactly what the problem was, especially since he seemed to insist there were no problems with her actions, she knew sheād somehow caused this attitude change of his. Maybe he thought she was oversensitive now, unable to handle a joke between friends, and was disappointed or just cautious about her now? Whatever the case, she didnāt want it.
āBut I did,ā she replied softly. āI know I did something wrong. Because if I hadnāt, then things wouldnāt be this way. You wouldnāt be calling me Kiara and giving me the silent treatment. Iām notā¦ Iām not saying you shouldnāt be, because I donāt know. I don't know what I did, but Iām still sorry for it.ā She forced herself to look up at him, even though the expression on her face was wounded and vulnerable and not at all the reasonable, rational thing sheād been hoping on using to get through this conversation like a mature adult. āArenāt I allowed to be sorry, when Iām losing my best friend?ā She hated the way her voice shook, the way she almost couldn't force out the words, but it had been weeks since theyād been able to so much as look at each other without discomfort.
She released a shuddering breath in a sigh, then shook her head. āBut maybe Iām the only one who ever felt that way to begin with.ā Sheād thought he considered her his friend too, in fact, she would have said it was obvious, from the way heād acted. But Kiara knew also that she wasnāt very good at reading people, and she may have missed some indications that she was wrong. What those could be, she had no idea, butā¦ if he kept looking like that, speaking like that, like he didnāt careā¦ then she might have consider the possibility after all. Slowly, she released her grip on his shirt, letting her hand fall back to her side.
Could a person feel their own heart breaking? She was beginning to suspect she could.
Part of this was his fault, that much he knew. He sighed, perhaps little too hard than he should have, and closed his eyes for a moment. "No, Kiara, you did not. It was my fault. After what you went through with Kohaku, I should have known better. You shouldn't be sorry for something I did," he spoke, however; he flinched when she continued and he only sighed in defeat. "I'm sorry if you see it that way, because I have never seen it that way. You... I don't know what to consider you anymore," he spoke, pulling at his own words when he realized how that could sound to her. But it was true, he didn't know what to consider her any longer. He had, for so long, considered her a friend, and when that started to change, when considered her more, he wasn't entirely sure. All he knew was that he did, and he couldn't go back to just being her friend any longer.
"You don't realize, and perhaps that was my fault to begin with, but you mean more to me than that. You have always meant more to me than just a friend. When Kohaku took you, when you had left," he spoke, stepping closer so that they were just a few inches apart. He glanced down at her, searching her face for something before he continued. "I nearly lost it. I didn't know if you had actually gone to marry him, or if you would ever come back. I wasn't the same without you. Everything felt empty, like everything had lost meaning without you," he continued, raising his hand to trail a finger down her cheek, however; he paused in his motion and put his hand back to his side. Perhaps she would take that gesture wrongly too, and he could not afford to break more than what he already had.
"I thought I had lost you, forever. When you came back, everything felt whole again. Do you know what that feels like, to care for someone so much as to feel empty without them there? To feel as if everything has lost meaning unless they are with you?" he continued. It wasn't the right time to be telling her this, he knew that. But she had to understand why it is that he was doing what he was doing. Everything was being balanced on fragile, cracked, glass. The wrong movement could shatter it completely, and he couldn't, wouldn't have that. He sighed, taking a much needed step back as he shook his head.
Kiara was trying to get a handle on the cocktail of emotions working their way through her system right now. She had been utterly crushed when he said she wasnāt his friend. Sheād rebounded a little when he continued, but his uncertainty amplified her own, and in the end, she hoped he meant one thing but couldnāt say for certain that he did. Even thenā¦ was she ready for something like that? She was afraid, that much was certain. In her entire life, Kiara had made very few truly deep connections with people. Of those, perhaps only five were with people not related to her somehow. One of those had ended in a death, another in a betrayal. The ones that remained were the ones she had now, and she was so very afraid of losing them that her mind refused to put together what he was saying in the way she wanted toābecause if she were somehow wrong, if she told him everything and it turned out sheād misunderstood, everything she valued between them would crumble to dust.
And she just couldnāt risk that.
But she also couldnāt lie to him. Maybe he could see right through her anyway, because with the way her heart was thundering in her chest at his proximity, he surely had to be able to hear it, too. Had to know just how close she was to taking the risk anyway, staking everything she had on the words in her heart and the warmth in her chest. But then she saw the way he hesitated to touch her, and she knew she couldnāt. Not here, not now. Maybe not ever. Butā¦ but she could say something else.
āI do,ā she murmured softly, swallowing as he stepped away. āI do know what that feels like.ā It was what she felt like right now, actually, but that much at least, she couldnāt seem to make herself say. Instead, she pulled her lower lip in between her teeth and worried it, shaking her head with a sigh. It was clear that, whatever was going on here, she would need more time. One day, she vowed silently, to him or herself, she knew not. I will say how I feel. Everything. But first, she needed to figure out exactly what that was.
It was clear, however, that for tonight at least, the conversation was over, and the rest of the walk to her home passed in silence, until she bid him goodnight at the door and let herself in. As it shut behind her, she leaned up against it and slid to the floor, wishing she were just a little more brave.
Whatever her other feelings might be, whatever mistakes or misinformed judgements had been made last time, he was still her friend. She still cared for him, more deeply than she was willing to admit to herself, even. And because of that, this enforced, uncomfortable silence, entirely bereft of the light joking and laughter that had become typical of her time with him, hurt. It was like sheād lost something precious, something she hadnāt even realized she needed. Butā¦ the way something crawled beneath her skin now, making her uncommonly anxious and jumpy, wellā¦ she could no longer deny how much it just plain sucked to be in these circumstances.
And she realized it was all too damn ridiculous. Haki was her best friend, the best one sheād ever had, and she wasnāt going to lose him to some kind of misunderstanding. She loved Rika and Fang more dearly than her own life, but if someone would ask her, directly and honestly, who the most important person in her life was, the one sheād really, truly, never be able to stand losing, then she wouldnāt hesitate. It was him.
Always him.
The realization gave her courage enough to loosen her tongue. āHaki, stop.ā She reached out from her position walking slightly behind him and caught the fabric of his shirt in her hand. He hadnāt even come dressed to the damn festivalāand he was usually the first one to go all out for something silly and fun like that. It was part of the reason she liked him so much, why sheā¦ Kiara shook her head, swallowing past the lump in her throat. She had to fix this somehow, make it right again, go back to the way things used to be. She couldnāt let it go on like this, where they barely talked to each other and he used her actual name instead of the ridiculous moniker. She had to make it rightābut she wasnāt sure how.
āIām sorry.ā
Silence he could do. The uncomfortable tension between them, he couldn't. It was getting a little annoying if he had to put a proper word on it. It made him angry. Angry at her, himself, and all the little things in between. He was, more importantly, broken. He knew better, and yet, he couldn't hold himself back. He had come so close to losing her, and on more than one occasion. Could he really fault himself for doing that? Perhaps, if he had done so without laughing about it afterwards. He knew the risks of what would happen, if she didn't take it well, and that had scared him the most. Now that he knew how she felt, he wasn't so sure he could go back to the way things were. He called her by her name, now, and even then it still felt odd.
He shifted in his spot, stopped only when the sound of her voice entered his ears, and he turned to regard her with a flat gaze. He didn't mean to give her that look, however; he was lost in his own thoughts at the moment. The words finally managed to settle, and he pursed his lips into a fine line. Sorry? She was sorry? What did she have to be sorry for? For slapping him? What reason did she have to apologize? He could not think of one. He shook his head, sighing softly through his nose as he continued to regard her. He remained silent for a few minutes, allowing what he wanted to say to digest a little longer in his mind. He couldn't afford to be loose with his words, not now.
"Why are you sorry? You did nothing wrong, Kiara. You just made things clear, that was all," he spoke, his voice losing most of the edge it once had. It was monotonous, almost, and his eyes were half lidded. "You should not apologize when you did nothing wrong. Not everything is always your fault, you know," he continued. She seemed, to him, to do that a lot, and he didn't like it. She should apologize only when she wronged someone, not when she did absolutely nothing wrong.
She could detect some kind of irritation in his voice, and while ordinarily it might prompt the same in her, right now it just made her more miserable. Because it only confirmed that there was a reason for her to apologize. Something about the way sheād handled things had hurt him, and though she wasnāt sure exactly what the problem was, especially since he seemed to insist there were no problems with her actions, she knew sheād somehow caused this attitude change of his. Maybe he thought she was oversensitive now, unable to handle a joke between friends, and was disappointed or just cautious about her now? Whatever the case, she didnāt want it.
āBut I did,ā she replied softly. āI know I did something wrong. Because if I hadnāt, then things wouldnāt be this way. You wouldnāt be calling me Kiara and giving me the silent treatment. Iām notā¦ Iām not saying you shouldnāt be, because I donāt know. I don't know what I did, but Iām still sorry for it.ā She forced herself to look up at him, even though the expression on her face was wounded and vulnerable and not at all the reasonable, rational thing sheād been hoping on using to get through this conversation like a mature adult. āArenāt I allowed to be sorry, when Iām losing my best friend?ā She hated the way her voice shook, the way she almost couldn't force out the words, but it had been weeks since theyād been able to so much as look at each other without discomfort.
She released a shuddering breath in a sigh, then shook her head. āBut maybe Iām the only one who ever felt that way to begin with.ā Sheād thought he considered her his friend too, in fact, she would have said it was obvious, from the way heād acted. But Kiara knew also that she wasnāt very good at reading people, and she may have missed some indications that she was wrong. What those could be, she had no idea, butā¦ if he kept looking like that, speaking like that, like he didnāt careā¦ then she might have consider the possibility after all. Slowly, she released her grip on his shirt, letting her hand fall back to her side.
Could a person feel their own heart breaking? She was beginning to suspect she could.
Part of this was his fault, that much he knew. He sighed, perhaps little too hard than he should have, and closed his eyes for a moment. "No, Kiara, you did not. It was my fault. After what you went through with Kohaku, I should have known better. You shouldn't be sorry for something I did," he spoke, however; he flinched when she continued and he only sighed in defeat. "I'm sorry if you see it that way, because I have never seen it that way. You... I don't know what to consider you anymore," he spoke, pulling at his own words when he realized how that could sound to her. But it was true, he didn't know what to consider her any longer. He had, for so long, considered her a friend, and when that started to change, when considered her more, he wasn't entirely sure. All he knew was that he did, and he couldn't go back to just being her friend any longer.
"You don't realize, and perhaps that was my fault to begin with, but you mean more to me than that. You have always meant more to me than just a friend. When Kohaku took you, when you had left," he spoke, stepping closer so that they were just a few inches apart. He glanced down at her, searching her face for something before he continued. "I nearly lost it. I didn't know if you had actually gone to marry him, or if you would ever come back. I wasn't the same without you. Everything felt empty, like everything had lost meaning without you," he continued, raising his hand to trail a finger down her cheek, however; he paused in his motion and put his hand back to his side. Perhaps she would take that gesture wrongly too, and he could not afford to break more than what he already had.
"I thought I had lost you, forever. When you came back, everything felt whole again. Do you know what that feels like, to care for someone so much as to feel empty without them there? To feel as if everything has lost meaning unless they are with you?" he continued. It wasn't the right time to be telling her this, he knew that. But she had to understand why it is that he was doing what he was doing. Everything was being balanced on fragile, cracked, glass. The wrong movement could shatter it completely, and he couldn't, wouldn't have that. He sighed, taking a much needed step back as he shook his head.
Kiara was trying to get a handle on the cocktail of emotions working their way through her system right now. She had been utterly crushed when he said she wasnāt his friend. Sheād rebounded a little when he continued, but his uncertainty amplified her own, and in the end, she hoped he meant one thing but couldnāt say for certain that he did. Even thenā¦ was she ready for something like that? She was afraid, that much was certain. In her entire life, Kiara had made very few truly deep connections with people. Of those, perhaps only five were with people not related to her somehow. One of those had ended in a death, another in a betrayal. The ones that remained were the ones she had now, and she was so very afraid of losing them that her mind refused to put together what he was saying in the way she wanted toābecause if she were somehow wrong, if she told him everything and it turned out sheād misunderstood, everything she valued between them would crumble to dust.
And she just couldnāt risk that.
But she also couldnāt lie to him. Maybe he could see right through her anyway, because with the way her heart was thundering in her chest at his proximity, he surely had to be able to hear it, too. Had to know just how close she was to taking the risk anyway, staking everything she had on the words in her heart and the warmth in her chest. But then she saw the way he hesitated to touch her, and she knew she couldnāt. Not here, not now. Maybe not ever. Butā¦ but she could say something else.
āI do,ā she murmured softly, swallowing as he stepped away. āI do know what that feels like.ā It was what she felt like right now, actually, but that much at least, she couldnāt seem to make herself say. Instead, she pulled her lower lip in between her teeth and worried it, shaking her head with a sigh. It was clear that, whatever was going on here, she would need more time. One day, she vowed silently, to him or herself, she knew not. I will say how I feel. Everything. But first, she needed to figure out exactly what that was.
It was clear, however, that for tonight at least, the conversation was over, and the rest of the walk to her home passed in silence, until she bid him goodnight at the door and let herself in. As it shut behind her, she leaned up against it and slid to the floor, wishing she were just a little more brave.