Snippet #2603585

Harper had wanted to be alone. To be invisible. To disappear. Yet it was evident that he couldn't even accomplish that.

Typical.

He had ignored the advice of Lillian, surprised she had even spoken to him. In the three years he'd seen her, he'd only ever referred to her as Galadriel to Skylar, and it wasn't like that was a commn occurence either.

But Xabi he couldn't ignore. He stiffened at his voice, briefly wondering if he should run away, but when the Spaniard's fingers tangled into his hair, his shoulders dropped, and his breath heaved out audibly. Tears pricked at his eyes again. No. No no no. No more crying. He'd done enough of that.

But his tear ducts ignored him, and he could feel the wet trails rolling down again. His hands moved from his hair to his face, covering it. The bandage scratched at his skin like sandpaper, and images of chisels and wood lit up behind his eyelids. He could almost smell the shavings.

"Is it really though?" Harper heard himself ask, voice muffled behind his palms. With a sigh he pulled his hands away, finding Xabi's, trembling when they circled around his slender fingers, as if unsure whether he was allowed to touch or not. "I've been fucking up so badly. For three years I've been fucking everything up without even knowing it. And now I've fucked up even more shit and just..."

He took a breath. His last word rang in the air, echoing in his mind. High. Desperate. Rushed. Just like his breathing, he realized.

He wanted to stop talking. Wanted to just shut up. Believe Xabi for a moment, that it really was going to be all right. Or at least pretend that it would be. That was all he really did anyways. Pretend. Life was a stage after all, right? Just pretend.

But he couldn't. Not anymore. Words continued to roll out. "They hate me," Harper continued to choke out, "They fucking hate me, Xabi. Most of them anyways. They've hated me for years, and I can't say I blame them. But now I have to play nice, but how the hell am I supposed to do that? Even if I try, they'll probably just think I'm some fake fucking phony and hate me even more. I could...I could be the most genuinely nicest person I can be, and they'd fucking think I was doing it for the attention. They think I'm some goddamn attention whore. What am I supposed to do then? Disappear? Not do anything?"

He sniffed hard, angrily wiping tears from his face in frustration. "I'm so fucked, Xabi," he snapped, "I'm so fucked and I'm so sorry you have to deal with me, the fuck up that is Harper Calloway Fields!"

He paused, heavy, wet breathing filling the air. His eyes continued to sting and water. "You shouldn't..." his voice cracked, softer, threatening to break completely. He swallowed and tried again, "You shouldn't have to deal with this..."