Sienna noted the lackluster response from Jane and only rolled her eyes, not really caring to know what was going on in her best friend's mind. As far as she was concerned, she didn't want to deal with the heaviness of the conversation, she was done with it, and Jane needed to be done with it as well. It sucked and as always, when it came to bad thoughts regarding Jane, Sienna felt immediately mad. But the truth of the matter was that she was anxious to deal with Sydney. She was anxious to get her EP finished. She was anxious about talking to Sydney. She was anxious about her final career or future decision. She was anxious about everything and she couldn't - at the moment - care too much about Jane's feelings. Her own were too blaringly suffocating.
However, it seemed that whatever deity that was out there - God, Allah, Yahweh, Zeus, whomever - gave not a single fuck about her comfort for Sydney Vale was approaching and Sienna could just die. She was not afraid to be in Sydney's presence. Sydney Vale did not inspire fear in her, contrary to what she may have thought or what any former queen bee would have to say about the matter. She could be intimidating, yes, but Sienna wasn't known for backing down either so that nullified that thought. But Sienna had been avoiding her. Avoided looking at her. Avoided talking to her. Avoided the very thought of her. At least, as best as she could. However, now, the queen bee stood in front of her, separated from Sienna's person by only the table, and Sienna only stared at her. She didn't acknowledge Sydney and Sydney did not take in her presence. They were just two strangers who happened to know the two people closest to them and that was it. Jane's answer to Sydney was ignored on Sienna's part and before her friend scurried away, she heard her say, "Okay, thanks."
Then, Sydney's gaze landed on her and Sienna only stared back. All at once, her words to Jane moments before were all too real. She did miss Sydney. It was a painful realization and it made her frown, possibly at the wrong time because Sydney asked to talk. She didn't want to miss the backstabbing bitch, or that what was what she was trying to call her in order to make the feeling go away, and she forced herself to think about every second she had to deal with Sydney. It also forced her to consider all the better times they shared. It wasn't enough, however, to make her not eventually smile, pleasant in a way. "Sure." She turned her gaze to Victoria, who stood awkwardly in the midst of the trio she probably longed to be a part of. "You can handle this for me until I get back, right Tori?" It was a demand and she knew Tori would do well to recognize it as such. Perhaps it was the look Jane tossed her that made Sienna rise, maybe it was her own need to finish this in some way - she didn't know. All she knew was that she did not spare Sydney another glance. She just pushed her chair back in politely and then walked out of the ballroom. She didn't even check to see if Sydney was behind her.
It was only when they were in the girls' restroom that Sienna turned around to acknowledge that Sydney was there and only then did the smile drop. "So, is this the part where I fall to my knees and beg you to forgive me, or is this an actual conversation?"
Just what I thought... Sydney mused, inwardly smirking at how Sienna didn't even attempt to put off them speaking. Her expression remained at a small smile, since she didn't want to be as easily read as Jane, who had hurried away with the face of a deer in headlights as soon as Sydney had even suggested eating. She didn't offer Victoria a parting glance once Sienna was out of her chair and making a beeline out of the ballroom. Sydney was in no rush and didn't hurry to keep up with Sienna. She kept a steady pace, offering a few hello's to people she recognized on her journey to the bathroom. When she met Sienna inside, only a few seconds after the girl first pushed the door open, Sydney was feeling even more confident. She probably should have felt less confident, considering that now, after Sydney made sure there were no feet present under the stalls, she was alone with Sienna. Neither of them had to keep up their cordial guises to keep their proper reputations in tact in this privacy, and with how they had left off, both girls probably felt like they had a right to rip the other's hair out.
Sienna spoke before Sydney could, which was good, because while Sydney had suggested the chat, she didn't really have a set conversation in mind. It had been a spur of the moment decision to even interact with Sienna, since before she knew that she was stooping down to Victoria Walsh's level, Sydney had just planned on erasing her existence from her life. Now that it was clear that Sienna was suffering without her, Sydney didn't feel like she was the one begging by making it easier for Sienna to apologize. Apparently, Sienna didn't want to take Sydney's kindness and let this play out easily. So, rather than dropping her fake smile like Sienna had when they entered the bathroom, Sydney kept hers pasted on her face. She waited a moment to respond, allowing her eyes to take in Sienna's expression, before speaking. "Neither," she responded, a decision that was again made in that same second. Sydney preferred for her actions to be premeditated and calculated, but she could think on a whim when the time called for it. "I don't need an apology from you if you don't think you did anything to warrant one, and I already apologized for what I did at dinner." An apology, excusing her behavior, tossing the blame from herself onto Sienna... same difference. So, at this point, all that I need you to do is tell Jane that I gave you a chance to make up with me, and that you aren't ready. Clearly, our friendship has reached its expiration date and I'm just as okay with that as you are, but she won't be. And as Jane's best friend, I know that she doesn't need any extra stress in her life right now, so pretend for her."
It was a bold request from someone labeling herself as Jane's best friend while coming close to throwing her under the bus yet again only moment's before, but that wasn't even what had Sydney second guessing her words. It was her own claim that her friendship with Sienna was over that, was she not so used to keeping her emotions suppressed, would have had her voice shaking. She didn't know how she could miss the girl standing in front of her after everything she had put her through over the past few days, but she did. It seemed like decades ago... but at one point, they were real friends and that was saying a lot for Sydney Vale to be able to admit that.
Sienna scoffed at Sydney even remotely suggesting that the "apology" she had offered at the restaurant was an actual one, but she chose not to cut her off. Instead, Sienna only folded her arms over her chest idly and stared at her, levelling Sydney with a look that honestly could have spelled anything. She was a bit hurt as Sydney continued to speak, angry, in disbelief - the list of emotions could go on. And they were all probably jumbled together and indiscernible on their own, but it wasn't always that simple to detect every emotion in Sienna's mind. Which was probably why she couldn't lie. She wasn't bitchy and the situation didn't call for lies. Besides, as Sydney articulated oh so ruthlessly, their friendship was reaching an expiration date. And it hurt, it honestly did, but Sienna wasn't just going to leave it as it was.
"And that's it? No tearful goodbyes? No 'we had a good time?'" The questions came out in not shock, but sarcastic something. She wasn't surprised, maybe taken aback that this was really how their friendship was ending. But neither of the options Sienna offered were things Sydney was known for and she didn't know why some part of her had wanted something more from the queen bee. It was always a want when it came to Sydney, never something that came to fruition. And if it did, it came in increments and Sydney was right. That too had reached an expiration date because Sienna didn't know if she could continue lowering her expectations for the sake of Sydney's pride. "But of course, we wouldn't do that. Too much pride in me, and too much ice for you to uncover to actually care about me."
It was a risky move, partly admitting her feelings as they pertained to Sydney, but if this was the end, then why not end it in some way that let Sienna get something off her chest? Backing away a bit, Sienna leaned against the sink, unfolding her arms and allowing her hands to rest on the edge. She gave Sydney a curious look while asking, "Do you know what the first real thought that I had when you were at the table?" She didn't wait for a response, only continued. "That I miss you. It's kinda funny...I spent the entire weekend not wanting to be reminded that and just like that...I missed you. Isn't that funny?" The words were just tumbling from the confines of her mouth and Sienna bit her lower lip to stop herself from saying anything more, trying to will her voice not to shake. She didn't know if she could be as composed as Sydney and struggled to meet her gaze again. "And, for the record, I do know what I would apologize for. And I could...but that really wouldn't help much, would it? You'd still think there was nothing wrong, just me being dramatic Sia and we'd go on until, what? Another blowout over nothing and the same thing? Which one?"
The girls shared at least one thought right now: that if this was the end of the line for their friendship, there was no need to hold back. As Sienna spoke and Sydney realized this, she allowed herself to drop the guarded and calculated front that she almost always wore. It didn't come down all at once. She still rolled her eyes at Sienna's remark about how they were just going to end it like this, but she allowed the blonde in across from her to speak without jumping in. By the time she had confessed to missing Sydney, her bottom lip was being bitten just as hard as Sienna's. It wasn't to keep herself from crying, but to refrain from saying something too emotional or allowing her face too be read so easily - which, with that act alone, probably defeated the purpose. She was going to be real here, but she was also Sydney Vale. She wasn't going to start sobbing and toss herself into Sienna's arms as she agreed that she, too, missed her.
"I do care about you. I can say that. Even after what you did... I still care about you." It was dramatic, but saying that aloud made her feel physically sick for a few seconds. It was like her body was rejecting the idea of her being sentimental about the girl that over the past two days, she had ruthlessly trained to associate with bad thoughts. She sighed audibly, looking Sienna up and down quickly. Her gaze didn't have its normal judgmental tint to it. She was simply trying to read Sienna in an attempt to see what was going on in her head. If this was all for real or not. "Honestly, I wish that I didn't. I wish that I could be cold enough to do everything in my power to ruin your senior year, but I knew from the start that I couldn't do that." She couldn't even look Sienna in the face as she spoke now, because she could feel herself getting emotional. And Hell would freeze over before Sydney Vale started crying over her broken friendship with Sienna Alvarez!
To prevent that from happening, she stepped to one of the vacant sinks next to Sienna, and after rummaging through her clutch, began to touch up her lip gloss. She'd be damned if her eyes left the safety of the mirror until she could compose herself again. "And then I thought that silence would suffice. I wouldn't wipe you off the social radar, but just off my social radar. That's probably the best route for us, since maybe something like this isn't reparable... but... I guess I... missed you too. And I know that sleeping with Vincent was wrong, Sienna, but I swear to God that after it happened, I didn't know what to do. I didn't think when I was doing it and I was scared and I didn't know what to do, okay? You're right, you're right, I'll admit it. I should have told you and been a good friend but how was I supposed to tell you that? And then he told me that we could just keep it a secret and pretend it never happened and I thought that that was the best way to deal with it. I know it wasn't, but, I didn't want to be that girl, especially after seeing how hurt it made you. And I'm sure I'll regret saying this as soon as I stop speaking, but I'm sorry. I'm sorry for sleeping with him, I'm sorry for wanting him then, and maybe for still wanting him now. I'm sorry for being a bad friend and caring about how other people saw me more than how my friends saw me, and I'm sorry that that's not going to change, even after whatever we do from here. You have your family, and all of your friends outside of Jane and Piper, and your music and your career, and Vincent too, and I have my image, Sienna. It doesn't matter if I'm fatter than Jane, or uglier than Piper without makeup, or going no where in life compared to you, when I'm who I am at this school. All of that's going to end for me at the end of this year, I guess, and I can't let it go. I can't let... this person... this monster... that I've become go because it's all I have left and when it's over, it's over." Where did that come from? Sydney was too busy swiping at the tears that were now flowing at an unstoppable speed to regret every jumbled thought that had just come out of her mouth at lightning speed. She would regret them eventually, though. Even if she wouldn't regret coming clean to Sienna, dropping her walls and being a real, genuine and emotional human being by apologizing, she was going to regret how vulnerable she felt.
Sydney could find whatever semblance of control all she wanted because Sienna didn't even bother to try. By the time Sydney had moved and finished speaking, the tears had already gathered in Sienna's eyes and she couldn't even choke back the sob as she cried, "You had me!" She couldn't believe that Sydney could list off all of these things Sienna had as if Sydney did not have anything other than an image. "You have always had me, and Jane, and Piper when we're not thinking something's wrong about her. And you've had..." Sienna breathed, not even giving her brain the chance to berate her for being so weak, the tears falling down her cheeks faster than she would have liked. But to hell with it! They were there and there was no getting rid of them. "You've had everything I could have wanted, Syd. You're gorgeous, and you are so smart, and everyone wants to be you and that's not an image. That's charisma and you've had it, always, while I've had to sacrifice mine in order to fit a role. I even dyed my hair blonde to fool myself into thinking that I could be like you." Sienna couldn't see her own characteristics at the moment. She was too bare and at her core, she was just a girl who had more insecurities than her typical display of vanity would ever reveal. And Sydney...Sydney was everything!
"And you think I have friends? Half of them are either contractual because our managers thought it would be beneficial to our agencies, they entertain me because attention whore Sienna would just die without someone talking to her, or they just want something from me. They've all wanted something from me." Sienna could feel her voice starting to shake and swiped at her left cheek, hoping to somehow salvage something. However, the next words she spoke only made fresher tears emerge and the words came a bit faster. "And I wanted to hate you...so bad. Vince told me and I wanted to hate you both so bad because it would have been easy and I could have...I-I-I...but I couldn't...because you and Jane were the first real friends I've had since joining Roc Nation and I knew if I did anything, I would finally be alone and I know I am now, and it still hurts. You think my family is one hundred percent behind me, but Esmee's gonna push me away soon to find herself at Constance because Mom keeps trying to mold her too, and Mom's gonna hate me because I want to end it all, my Dad is never home, and I don't even know which brother is even in this state anymore." Sienna broke off at that point, not wanting to allow her words to turn to broken sobs.
It had been about three years since she had allowed herself to cry in Sydney Vale's presence and she wanted to feel the outrage she had back then for allowing herself to be vulnerable in front of her. But her pride be damned because she couldn't lie. She couldn't pretend. Not now. At the same time, the weight of their ending was a bit more than she honestly had thought she could handle and she truly had not fathomed the weakness Sydney's confession could provoke in her. Giving herself time to get out some careful breaths, Sienna met Sydney's gaze again, swiping at her cheeks. "I'm sorry. I went too far, and I should have just talked to you, but I...I-I didn't think you'd...I didn't think I meant as much to you as Jane did. And maybe I never had...I just...I wanted to think I could be on your level and that maybe, one day, we wouldn't be rivals...and I wouldn't just be a handmaiden in your court. I'd be your best friend and I get that that's over now...I just..." She didn't know how to finish that and a fresh wave of tears were beginning to form in her eyes, but Sienna was running out of words to say. She didn't know what other utterances she could make, what appeals she could formulate that could remedy their situation.
So, she turned away from Sydney, her back facing her...former friend and damn a tear for escaping the confines of her eye. Her voice was too small for her own good when she spoke, too ready to fall into sobs. "I'm sorry. W-we should go back inside. I'll tell Jane I'm sorry too." Sienna didn't know if she could wait for Sydney to say anything more - if Sydney had anything more to say - so she left. She flung herself out of the bathroom, wiping at her cheeks with the palm of her hand as she went. It seemed convenient that a staff member was emerging from the elevator shaft wearing the uniform of their event and stopped in front of her. "Miss, is everything - ?" Sienna interjected, "Five minutes. The Alvarez family car in five minutes." She didn't wait for a response, simply hurried back to the ballroom, minutely grateful for her mascara. She entered the room then, with everyone concentrated on whatever video it was that was going on. She didn't look for any other person in the room, simply headed to her table. She began gathering her things, not bothering to look up at Tori as she said, "You all can handle things from here." Once her computer and charger were in her bag, Sienna met the vice president's gaze and held it. "A word of any kind about today and I promise you, you won't have to worry about Sydney Vale coming for you. I'll have you shipped off to Denmark before you can press delete." The threat was probably unnecessary, but it made sense to whatever part of Sienna that needed it. Control? She didn't know and didn't bother to sit to figure it out. She took a different door than the other, one that was closer to the front of the building.
Once outside, Sienna only had to wait a matter of minutes before the town car pulled up and she threw herself in the backseat, not even bothering to hide the sob that erupted from her mouth just as her door was closed.
However, it seemed that whatever deity that was out there - God, Allah, Yahweh, Zeus, whomever - gave not a single fuck about her comfort for Sydney Vale was approaching and Sienna could just die. She was not afraid to be in Sydney's presence. Sydney Vale did not inspire fear in her, contrary to what she may have thought or what any former queen bee would have to say about the matter. She could be intimidating, yes, but Sienna wasn't known for backing down either so that nullified that thought. But Sienna had been avoiding her. Avoided looking at her. Avoided talking to her. Avoided the very thought of her. At least, as best as she could. However, now, the queen bee stood in front of her, separated from Sienna's person by only the table, and Sienna only stared at her. She didn't acknowledge Sydney and Sydney did not take in her presence. They were just two strangers who happened to know the two people closest to them and that was it. Jane's answer to Sydney was ignored on Sienna's part and before her friend scurried away, she heard her say, "Okay, thanks."
Then, Sydney's gaze landed on her and Sienna only stared back. All at once, her words to Jane moments before were all too real. She did miss Sydney. It was a painful realization and it made her frown, possibly at the wrong time because Sydney asked to talk. She didn't want to miss the backstabbing bitch, or that what was what she was trying to call her in order to make the feeling go away, and she forced herself to think about every second she had to deal with Sydney. It also forced her to consider all the better times they shared. It wasn't enough, however, to make her not eventually smile, pleasant in a way. "Sure." She turned her gaze to Victoria, who stood awkwardly in the midst of the trio she probably longed to be a part of. "You can handle this for me until I get back, right Tori?" It was a demand and she knew Tori would do well to recognize it as such. Perhaps it was the look Jane tossed her that made Sienna rise, maybe it was her own need to finish this in some way - she didn't know. All she knew was that she did not spare Sydney another glance. She just pushed her chair back in politely and then walked out of the ballroom. She didn't even check to see if Sydney was behind her.
It was only when they were in the girls' restroom that Sienna turned around to acknowledge that Sydney was there and only then did the smile drop. "So, is this the part where I fall to my knees and beg you to forgive me, or is this an actual conversation?"
Just what I thought... Sydney mused, inwardly smirking at how Sienna didn't even attempt to put off them speaking. Her expression remained at a small smile, since she didn't want to be as easily read as Jane, who had hurried away with the face of a deer in headlights as soon as Sydney had even suggested eating. She didn't offer Victoria a parting glance once Sienna was out of her chair and making a beeline out of the ballroom. Sydney was in no rush and didn't hurry to keep up with Sienna. She kept a steady pace, offering a few hello's to people she recognized on her journey to the bathroom. When she met Sienna inside, only a few seconds after the girl first pushed the door open, Sydney was feeling even more confident. She probably should have felt less confident, considering that now, after Sydney made sure there were no feet present under the stalls, she was alone with Sienna. Neither of them had to keep up their cordial guises to keep their proper reputations in tact in this privacy, and with how they had left off, both girls probably felt like they had a right to rip the other's hair out.
Sienna spoke before Sydney could, which was good, because while Sydney had suggested the chat, she didn't really have a set conversation in mind. It had been a spur of the moment decision to even interact with Sienna, since before she knew that she was stooping down to Victoria Walsh's level, Sydney had just planned on erasing her existence from her life. Now that it was clear that Sienna was suffering without her, Sydney didn't feel like she was the one begging by making it easier for Sienna to apologize. Apparently, Sienna didn't want to take Sydney's kindness and let this play out easily. So, rather than dropping her fake smile like Sienna had when they entered the bathroom, Sydney kept hers pasted on her face. She waited a moment to respond, allowing her eyes to take in Sienna's expression, before speaking. "Neither," she responded, a decision that was again made in that same second. Sydney preferred for her actions to be premeditated and calculated, but she could think on a whim when the time called for it. "I don't need an apology from you if you don't think you did anything to warrant one, and I already apologized for what I did at dinner." An apology, excusing her behavior, tossing the blame from herself onto Sienna... same difference. So, at this point, all that I need you to do is tell Jane that I gave you a chance to make up with me, and that you aren't ready. Clearly, our friendship has reached its expiration date and I'm just as okay with that as you are, but she won't be. And as Jane's best friend, I know that she doesn't need any extra stress in her life right now, so pretend for her."
It was a bold request from someone labeling herself as Jane's best friend while coming close to throwing her under the bus yet again only moment's before, but that wasn't even what had Sydney second guessing her words. It was her own claim that her friendship with Sienna was over that, was she not so used to keeping her emotions suppressed, would have had her voice shaking. She didn't know how she could miss the girl standing in front of her after everything she had put her through over the past few days, but she did. It seemed like decades ago... but at one point, they were real friends and that was saying a lot for Sydney Vale to be able to admit that.
Sienna scoffed at Sydney even remotely suggesting that the "apology" she had offered at the restaurant was an actual one, but she chose not to cut her off. Instead, Sienna only folded her arms over her chest idly and stared at her, levelling Sydney with a look that honestly could have spelled anything. She was a bit hurt as Sydney continued to speak, angry, in disbelief - the list of emotions could go on. And they were all probably jumbled together and indiscernible on their own, but it wasn't always that simple to detect every emotion in Sienna's mind. Which was probably why she couldn't lie. She wasn't bitchy and the situation didn't call for lies. Besides, as Sydney articulated oh so ruthlessly, their friendship was reaching an expiration date. And it hurt, it honestly did, but Sienna wasn't just going to leave it as it was.
"And that's it? No tearful goodbyes? No 'we had a good time?'" The questions came out in not shock, but sarcastic something. She wasn't surprised, maybe taken aback that this was really how their friendship was ending. But neither of the options Sienna offered were things Sydney was known for and she didn't know why some part of her had wanted something more from the queen bee. It was always a want when it came to Sydney, never something that came to fruition. And if it did, it came in increments and Sydney was right. That too had reached an expiration date because Sienna didn't know if she could continue lowering her expectations for the sake of Sydney's pride. "But of course, we wouldn't do that. Too much pride in me, and too much ice for you to uncover to actually care about me."
It was a risky move, partly admitting her feelings as they pertained to Sydney, but if this was the end, then why not end it in some way that let Sienna get something off her chest? Backing away a bit, Sienna leaned against the sink, unfolding her arms and allowing her hands to rest on the edge. She gave Sydney a curious look while asking, "Do you know what the first real thought that I had when you were at the table?" She didn't wait for a response, only continued. "That I miss you. It's kinda funny...I spent the entire weekend not wanting to be reminded that and just like that...I missed you. Isn't that funny?" The words were just tumbling from the confines of her mouth and Sienna bit her lower lip to stop herself from saying anything more, trying to will her voice not to shake. She didn't know if she could be as composed as Sydney and struggled to meet her gaze again. "And, for the record, I do know what I would apologize for. And I could...but that really wouldn't help much, would it? You'd still think there was nothing wrong, just me being dramatic Sia and we'd go on until, what? Another blowout over nothing and the same thing? Which one?"
The girls shared at least one thought right now: that if this was the end of the line for their friendship, there was no need to hold back. As Sienna spoke and Sydney realized this, she allowed herself to drop the guarded and calculated front that she almost always wore. It didn't come down all at once. She still rolled her eyes at Sienna's remark about how they were just going to end it like this, but she allowed the blonde in across from her to speak without jumping in. By the time she had confessed to missing Sydney, her bottom lip was being bitten just as hard as Sienna's. It wasn't to keep herself from crying, but to refrain from saying something too emotional or allowing her face too be read so easily - which, with that act alone, probably defeated the purpose. She was going to be real here, but she was also Sydney Vale. She wasn't going to start sobbing and toss herself into Sienna's arms as she agreed that she, too, missed her.
"I do care about you. I can say that. Even after what you did... I still care about you." It was dramatic, but saying that aloud made her feel physically sick for a few seconds. It was like her body was rejecting the idea of her being sentimental about the girl that over the past two days, she had ruthlessly trained to associate with bad thoughts. She sighed audibly, looking Sienna up and down quickly. Her gaze didn't have its normal judgmental tint to it. She was simply trying to read Sienna in an attempt to see what was going on in her head. If this was all for real or not. "Honestly, I wish that I didn't. I wish that I could be cold enough to do everything in my power to ruin your senior year, but I knew from the start that I couldn't do that." She couldn't even look Sienna in the face as she spoke now, because she could feel herself getting emotional. And Hell would freeze over before Sydney Vale started crying over her broken friendship with Sienna Alvarez!
To prevent that from happening, she stepped to one of the vacant sinks next to Sienna, and after rummaging through her clutch, began to touch up her lip gloss. She'd be damned if her eyes left the safety of the mirror until she could compose herself again. "And then I thought that silence would suffice. I wouldn't wipe you off the social radar, but just off my social radar. That's probably the best route for us, since maybe something like this isn't reparable... but... I guess I... missed you too. And I know that sleeping with Vincent was wrong, Sienna, but I swear to God that after it happened, I didn't know what to do. I didn't think when I was doing it and I was scared and I didn't know what to do, okay? You're right, you're right, I'll admit it. I should have told you and been a good friend but how was I supposed to tell you that? And then he told me that we could just keep it a secret and pretend it never happened and I thought that that was the best way to deal with it. I know it wasn't, but, I didn't want to be that girl, especially after seeing how hurt it made you. And I'm sure I'll regret saying this as soon as I stop speaking, but I'm sorry. I'm sorry for sleeping with him, I'm sorry for wanting him then, and maybe for still wanting him now. I'm sorry for being a bad friend and caring about how other people saw me more than how my friends saw me, and I'm sorry that that's not going to change, even after whatever we do from here. You have your family, and all of your friends outside of Jane and Piper, and your music and your career, and Vincent too, and I have my image, Sienna. It doesn't matter if I'm fatter than Jane, or uglier than Piper without makeup, or going no where in life compared to you, when I'm who I am at this school. All of that's going to end for me at the end of this year, I guess, and I can't let it go. I can't let... this person... this monster... that I've become go because it's all I have left and when it's over, it's over." Where did that come from? Sydney was too busy swiping at the tears that were now flowing at an unstoppable speed to regret every jumbled thought that had just come out of her mouth at lightning speed. She would regret them eventually, though. Even if she wouldn't regret coming clean to Sienna, dropping her walls and being a real, genuine and emotional human being by apologizing, she was going to regret how vulnerable she felt.
Sydney could find whatever semblance of control all she wanted because Sienna didn't even bother to try. By the time Sydney had moved and finished speaking, the tears had already gathered in Sienna's eyes and she couldn't even choke back the sob as she cried, "You had me!" She couldn't believe that Sydney could list off all of these things Sienna had as if Sydney did not have anything other than an image. "You have always had me, and Jane, and Piper when we're not thinking something's wrong about her. And you've had..." Sienna breathed, not even giving her brain the chance to berate her for being so weak, the tears falling down her cheeks faster than she would have liked. But to hell with it! They were there and there was no getting rid of them. "You've had everything I could have wanted, Syd. You're gorgeous, and you are so smart, and everyone wants to be you and that's not an image. That's charisma and you've had it, always, while I've had to sacrifice mine in order to fit a role. I even dyed my hair blonde to fool myself into thinking that I could be like you." Sienna couldn't see her own characteristics at the moment. She was too bare and at her core, she was just a girl who had more insecurities than her typical display of vanity would ever reveal. And Sydney...Sydney was everything!
"And you think I have friends? Half of them are either contractual because our managers thought it would be beneficial to our agencies, they entertain me because attention whore Sienna would just die without someone talking to her, or they just want something from me. They've all wanted something from me." Sienna could feel her voice starting to shake and swiped at her left cheek, hoping to somehow salvage something. However, the next words she spoke only made fresher tears emerge and the words came a bit faster. "And I wanted to hate you...so bad. Vince told me and I wanted to hate you both so bad because it would have been easy and I could have...I-I-I...but I couldn't...because you and Jane were the first real friends I've had since joining Roc Nation and I knew if I did anything, I would finally be alone and I know I am now, and it still hurts. You think my family is one hundred percent behind me, but Esmee's gonna push me away soon to find herself at Constance because Mom keeps trying to mold her too, and Mom's gonna hate me because I want to end it all, my Dad is never home, and I don't even know which brother is even in this state anymore." Sienna broke off at that point, not wanting to allow her words to turn to broken sobs.
It had been about three years since she had allowed herself to cry in Sydney Vale's presence and she wanted to feel the outrage she had back then for allowing herself to be vulnerable in front of her. But her pride be damned because she couldn't lie. She couldn't pretend. Not now. At the same time, the weight of their ending was a bit more than she honestly had thought she could handle and she truly had not fathomed the weakness Sydney's confession could provoke in her. Giving herself time to get out some careful breaths, Sienna met Sydney's gaze again, swiping at her cheeks. "I'm sorry. I went too far, and I should have just talked to you, but I...I-I didn't think you'd...I didn't think I meant as much to you as Jane did. And maybe I never had...I just...I wanted to think I could be on your level and that maybe, one day, we wouldn't be rivals...and I wouldn't just be a handmaiden in your court. I'd be your best friend and I get that that's over now...I just..." She didn't know how to finish that and a fresh wave of tears were beginning to form in her eyes, but Sienna was running out of words to say. She didn't know what other utterances she could make, what appeals she could formulate that could remedy their situation.
So, she turned away from Sydney, her back facing her...former friend and damn a tear for escaping the confines of her eye. Her voice was too small for her own good when she spoke, too ready to fall into sobs. "I'm sorry. W-we should go back inside. I'll tell Jane I'm sorry too." Sienna didn't know if she could wait for Sydney to say anything more - if Sydney had anything more to say - so she left. She flung herself out of the bathroom, wiping at her cheeks with the palm of her hand as she went. It seemed convenient that a staff member was emerging from the elevator shaft wearing the uniform of their event and stopped in front of her. "Miss, is everything - ?" Sienna interjected, "Five minutes. The Alvarez family car in five minutes." She didn't wait for a response, simply hurried back to the ballroom, minutely grateful for her mascara. She entered the room then, with everyone concentrated on whatever video it was that was going on. She didn't look for any other person in the room, simply headed to her table. She began gathering her things, not bothering to look up at Tori as she said, "You all can handle things from here." Once her computer and charger were in her bag, Sienna met the vice president's gaze and held it. "A word of any kind about today and I promise you, you won't have to worry about Sydney Vale coming for you. I'll have you shipped off to Denmark before you can press delete." The threat was probably unnecessary, but it made sense to whatever part of Sienna that needed it. Control? She didn't know and didn't bother to sit to figure it out. She took a different door than the other, one that was closer to the front of the building.
Once outside, Sienna only had to wait a matter of minutes before the town car pulled up and she threw herself in the backseat, not even bothering to hide the sob that erupted from her mouth just as her door was closed.