It was with her features tightly-set that Nostariel made the journey from her clinic all the way up to the Keep. The Warden generally considered herself to be a patient person, but she was not willing to wait forever, especially not when it came to certain things, and so she had decided that it was perhaps time to force a certain persisting issue. She didnât want toâshe would much rather that Ashton stop avoiding her of his own accord. But if there was anything the past weeks had made clear, it was that this wasnât going to happen, not on his end. So it had to happen on hers.
She reached the stairs up to the Keep and tilted her head back, compressing her lips together. She supposed there was a chance that sheâd be turned away, but she liked to believe that wouldnât happen. She probably still warranted that much courtesy, did she not? Taking a deep breath, she sighed it out and shook her head. No use standing around here. She smoothed down her plain green shirt and ascended.
The guard barracks would have been easy to spot, even if she werenât already quite familiar with the layout of the building, and she made her way over to them, entering without difficulty. Most of the Guard knew her face by now, and even those that didnât probably figured she belonged there in some capacity, given how confidently she walked right in. Vesper was outside Ashtonâs office door, and after explaining that she was there to see the captain, the other woman opened the door to admit her. Managing a tight smile and inclining her head in thanks, she stepped inside, her eyes seeking, and immediately finding, the man she was looking for.
âAshton.â Her voice was level, even, and she stood with her hands at her sides, resisting the urge to cross them over herself defensively. She wasnât exactly feeling defensive, but it was hard to know exactly what to do in this situation. It wasnât one sheâd ever faced before, after all, and it was not as though anything sheâd ever learned from anyone else had prepared her for it, either.
âWe need to talk.â
Ashton sat at his desk, his hand balled into a fist and tightly pressed against his mouth. He seemed to have been in deep thought before Nostariel entered, and when she called his name he physically winced. "Nostariel?" he asked in surprise, rising from his desk. About halfway up, he paused and hesitated, before resuming far more mechanically. It was... Strange, to see the so-called Captain of the Guard cowed so easily by only a handful of words. His mouth worked for a few moments, as a million thoughts raced through his mind and he tried to focus on one.
"I, uh... It.. Hm," he sputtered before shaking his head. He would've liked the time to prepare for this, but it probably wouldn't have helped put the words he needed into his mouth. Sighing, he slowly moved out from behind his desk and nodded. It wasn't as if he had a choice this time. "I, uh, I guess we do," Ashton said, nervously. He was definitely not looking forward to this conversation. For one, he'd hoped for a better time and place, but in the end the waiting probably only made things worse.
âSit, please.â It was a bit awkward, gesturing for someone to take a seat in his own office, but she did it anyway, because she didnât want to draw this out any longer than she needed to. It was uncomfortable enough already, and there were too many things on the tip of her tongue, things that needed saying, and needed saying now. She felt like if she kept them inside her any longer, they would start to poison her. This wound needed to be lanced, lest she fester and rot from trying to keep it to herself.
Of course, lancing it meant that she was going to bleed, but she was prepared for that. It was better than the alternative. When Ashton was seated, she took one too, so that they were facing each other on the outer side of his desk. Nostariel folded her hands in her lap, the motion almost prim more than anything, and she straightened her spine. She might not be feeling very good about all of this, but she was resolved to do it.
âThree weeks.â
The words dropped like stones into the silence, and she watched him keenly for any signs of the ripple they might make. Her eyes bored into his, carrying just a hint of accusation. But mostly she just looked⊠sad. It was in the subtle downturn of her mouth, though she was trying to keep the set of her features as calm and still as possible. âItâs been three weeks since we went into the Deep Roads, and three weeks since youâve said anything to me that doesnât have to do with our mutual obligations to our friends.â She wondered if she would have seen him at all, had it not been for the fact that Sophia had twice needed them in that time.
âI know what I did hurt you, Ashton, and I am sorry for that. I have said it before, and Iâll say it as many times as I have to until you believe me. I am⊠disappointed in myself, for letting that⊠that thing find a purchase in my mind. I almost killed you, and if you think for a moment that it didnât destroy meâŠâ Nostarielâs voice broke, and she cut herself off, drawing a few deep breaths. She held herself steady, refusing to waver from this.
âBut⊠even though Iâm disappointed in myself⊠Iâm also disappointed in you.â Despite her efforts, her lower lip trembled. She bit hard on the inside of it before she continued, the sharp pain serving to ground her. âI saw the first glimpse Iâve ever had of my parents, of who and what they were, of who and what I am. I had a Darkspawn crawling around in my head. I rememberedâŠâ She lost her tenuous hold on stoicism, and grief flashed across her features. âI remembered that I have an expiration date, and I found out what it is going to feel like, when the Calling comes for me. And for three weeks, Iâve put up with all of that alone.â
Sheâd seen more of every mutual friend they had than sheâd seen of him. And it hurt, that whatever he felt about what had happened there, he hadnât been willing to talk to her about it. Never mind the rest.
âYou told me you were done running from your problems, Ashton. So what are you doing now?â
"Hiding," Ashton said in answer, his gaze averted to his boots. He knew what it looked like, and she had every right to be upset with him. It was his fault for waiting so long, for that perfect moment that probably wouldn't ever come. It wasn't like he was hoping that everything would just pass over, he knew things like that never did. Neither did he want to forget what happened, and remembering what would happen only made things worse. However, he had to say something else instead of just sitting there like a shamed dog.
Ashton rubbed his forehead and shook his head. "I know," He said. "But look. Let's get one thing straight," He said, looking up at her, and into her eyes. "I don't blame you for what happened down there," he said, tapping the chest of his plate with his fist. He didn't want to say it, that she had almost killed him. He had some sense of tact, and they both knew what happened. "It's as you said, you had no control over it, and I know you. You wouldn't do anything like that unless something was forcing you to. I don't talk about it, because there wasn't anything to talk about. I know," However, if that was all of their problems, they wouldn't be having this sit down.
"It's not that that bothers me... It's what it meant," Ashton said, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees. He was quiet for a moment, trying to get up the courage to spit out the words, as if putting them out there would curse them. Tilting his head to the side, he finally said it. "We... Don't have as long together as others. I know that too. And it scares the shit out of me," he said in a monotone. He was afraid if he allowed in his emotions, then his voice would break and quit on him. But no, she was right. They needed to talk.
"You have nothing to be disappointed about. You did nothing wrong," Ashton added. "And I'm sorry I left you all alone with that. I want... I don't... Maybe if I saw you sooner, maybe if I just... I was just hoping..." He said, trailing off. He didn't know what to say, or how to say it. He didn't want it to sound like he was making excuses, but he just didn't know how to piece the words together..
Having said everything sheâd come to say, Nostariel felt the traces of anger bleeding out of her, leaving only resignation in their wake. She sighed, and her shoulders slumped, her eyes moving down to where her hands were clasped in her lap. She studied her own fingers for several moments, strangely uncertain of what to say now that she hadnât gone over it in her own head thirty times on the way up here. It wasnât in her to stay upset for very long, and she honestly didnât want to be upset with him in the first place.
âIt's not fair.â She hated the weakness she could hear in her own voice. She was being patheticâshe had known what the consequences were when she chose to undertake the Joining. But⊠sheâd also been young. So, so young, and foolish in the way the young could sometimes be. âWe fight so hard, do as much as we can every day, and all Iâm going to get at the end of it is madness and death and Iââ She swallowed past the growing lump in her throat. âIâll leave you behind. I canât grow old with you. I canâtâŠâ She shook her head.
Wrapping her arms about her midsection, Nostariel seemed to fold in on herself a little, her upright posture collapsing into something half-bent, bowed under a weight sheâd never felt so keenly before. How could she have forgotten? She hadnât really, but it had seemed⊠so inconsequential, so far away, until sheâd tasted death in the Deep Roads. Until Corypheus had taught her what it would feel like. Nowâit wasnât close, exactly, but she no longer thought of it as far away. It was close enough to make a difference. In the grip of that thought, she felt her stomach turn.
âIâm so sorry.â
Ashton was out of his chair and across the gap between them in a moment, on his knees with his hand reaching for hers. "No, no, no," he repeated, a certain solidity backing his voice. "You have nothing to be sorry for. I knew from the beginning, and I didn't care," he said, gripping her hand with one of his, the other still balled into a fist on her knee. "Look. Nos. I would rather have a few years with you than not have you at all. You are... You are worth it, every bit," He said, letting go of her hand and cupping her face. "I love you," He said.
Nostariel didnât respond verbally, instead winding both of her arms around Ashtonâs neck, leaning forward and pressing her forehead into his shoulder. She didnât cryâhonestly, she was fairly sure sheâd run out of tears several days ago, with as much as sheâd been dwelling on this, but her fingers found all the purchase they could on the back of his armor, and she resented it for a moment, for keeping her from his warmth the way it did.
âI love you, too.â It was more a murmur than anything, considering her positioning, but it was audible. âI just⊠right now, I wish I werenât a Warden. I wish our problems were normal things, like whether we should move in together or get married or how many children we wanted. Not⊠not what weâll do if I get transferred or something happens to one of us in the line of duty or what⊠what happens when I die.â Theyâd been together for right around three years; those should be the kind of things they talked about. If theyâd been anyone but themselves, those would be their concerns. It was hard to think of anything she wouldnât have given to be able to disagree with him about things like that. But she realized sheâd never broached a single one of those topics, perhaps because some part of her had always known this was coming. Had always known that they wouldnât get that kind of blessed simplicity.
Ashton wound his arm around her and breathed her in deep. "We'll figure something out. We always do," he said, pushing the other thoughts out of his head and putting up a strong front. "But..." He said, slowly pulling back from her, and looking her in the eyes. He seemed hesitant, as his eyes flickered in his head, however soon his jaw set and he decided on something. "If you really want a normal problem, we can start with a simple one. A yes or no question, really."
Ashton glanced down at his fist on her knee and slowly opened it, revealing a silver ring inlaid with what appeared to be dragonbone, and set with a sapphire. Along the inside, an inscription read, "For my sweetheart, Nostariel."
"I'd hoped to do this far more romantically but... Nos, would you marry me?"
Well, she was wrong about being out of tears. Rather embarrassingly, Nostariel burst into a fresh round of them at the question, blotchy red complexion and all. She was an ugly crier, she knew that quite well. But she didnât really have a thought to spare for it, because tears or no, she was intent on providing an answer.
Perhaps in retrospect, she should have spoken before she moved forward and sealed her lips to his, but she was a mess of emotions, hurt and sadness ricocheting around and knocking against elation and the soft, effervescent bubbles of giddiness. She kissed him until she was out of breath, and then she pulled back, hands yet at his collar, a smile creasing the corners of her eyes, still, ridiculously, leaking tears.
âYes. Yes, of course I will.â
She reached the stairs up to the Keep and tilted her head back, compressing her lips together. She supposed there was a chance that sheâd be turned away, but she liked to believe that wouldnât happen. She probably still warranted that much courtesy, did she not? Taking a deep breath, she sighed it out and shook her head. No use standing around here. She smoothed down her plain green shirt and ascended.
The guard barracks would have been easy to spot, even if she werenât already quite familiar with the layout of the building, and she made her way over to them, entering without difficulty. Most of the Guard knew her face by now, and even those that didnât probably figured she belonged there in some capacity, given how confidently she walked right in. Vesper was outside Ashtonâs office door, and after explaining that she was there to see the captain, the other woman opened the door to admit her. Managing a tight smile and inclining her head in thanks, she stepped inside, her eyes seeking, and immediately finding, the man she was looking for.
âAshton.â Her voice was level, even, and she stood with her hands at her sides, resisting the urge to cross them over herself defensively. She wasnât exactly feeling defensive, but it was hard to know exactly what to do in this situation. It wasnât one sheâd ever faced before, after all, and it was not as though anything sheâd ever learned from anyone else had prepared her for it, either.
âWe need to talk.â
Ashton sat at his desk, his hand balled into a fist and tightly pressed against his mouth. He seemed to have been in deep thought before Nostariel entered, and when she called his name he physically winced. "Nostariel?" he asked in surprise, rising from his desk. About halfway up, he paused and hesitated, before resuming far more mechanically. It was... Strange, to see the so-called Captain of the Guard cowed so easily by only a handful of words. His mouth worked for a few moments, as a million thoughts raced through his mind and he tried to focus on one.
"I, uh... It.. Hm," he sputtered before shaking his head. He would've liked the time to prepare for this, but it probably wouldn't have helped put the words he needed into his mouth. Sighing, he slowly moved out from behind his desk and nodded. It wasn't as if he had a choice this time. "I, uh, I guess we do," Ashton said, nervously. He was definitely not looking forward to this conversation. For one, he'd hoped for a better time and place, but in the end the waiting probably only made things worse.
âSit, please.â It was a bit awkward, gesturing for someone to take a seat in his own office, but she did it anyway, because she didnât want to draw this out any longer than she needed to. It was uncomfortable enough already, and there were too many things on the tip of her tongue, things that needed saying, and needed saying now. She felt like if she kept them inside her any longer, they would start to poison her. This wound needed to be lanced, lest she fester and rot from trying to keep it to herself.
Of course, lancing it meant that she was going to bleed, but she was prepared for that. It was better than the alternative. When Ashton was seated, she took one too, so that they were facing each other on the outer side of his desk. Nostariel folded her hands in her lap, the motion almost prim more than anything, and she straightened her spine. She might not be feeling very good about all of this, but she was resolved to do it.
âThree weeks.â
The words dropped like stones into the silence, and she watched him keenly for any signs of the ripple they might make. Her eyes bored into his, carrying just a hint of accusation. But mostly she just looked⊠sad. It was in the subtle downturn of her mouth, though she was trying to keep the set of her features as calm and still as possible. âItâs been three weeks since we went into the Deep Roads, and three weeks since youâve said anything to me that doesnât have to do with our mutual obligations to our friends.â She wondered if she would have seen him at all, had it not been for the fact that Sophia had twice needed them in that time.
âI know what I did hurt you, Ashton, and I am sorry for that. I have said it before, and Iâll say it as many times as I have to until you believe me. I am⊠disappointed in myself, for letting that⊠that thing find a purchase in my mind. I almost killed you, and if you think for a moment that it didnât destroy meâŠâ Nostarielâs voice broke, and she cut herself off, drawing a few deep breaths. She held herself steady, refusing to waver from this.
âBut⊠even though Iâm disappointed in myself⊠Iâm also disappointed in you.â Despite her efforts, her lower lip trembled. She bit hard on the inside of it before she continued, the sharp pain serving to ground her. âI saw the first glimpse Iâve ever had of my parents, of who and what they were, of who and what I am. I had a Darkspawn crawling around in my head. I rememberedâŠâ She lost her tenuous hold on stoicism, and grief flashed across her features. âI remembered that I have an expiration date, and I found out what it is going to feel like, when the Calling comes for me. And for three weeks, Iâve put up with all of that alone.â
Sheâd seen more of every mutual friend they had than sheâd seen of him. And it hurt, that whatever he felt about what had happened there, he hadnât been willing to talk to her about it. Never mind the rest.
âYou told me you were done running from your problems, Ashton. So what are you doing now?â
"Hiding," Ashton said in answer, his gaze averted to his boots. He knew what it looked like, and she had every right to be upset with him. It was his fault for waiting so long, for that perfect moment that probably wouldn't ever come. It wasn't like he was hoping that everything would just pass over, he knew things like that never did. Neither did he want to forget what happened, and remembering what would happen only made things worse. However, he had to say something else instead of just sitting there like a shamed dog.
Ashton rubbed his forehead and shook his head. "I know," He said. "But look. Let's get one thing straight," He said, looking up at her, and into her eyes. "I don't blame you for what happened down there," he said, tapping the chest of his plate with his fist. He didn't want to say it, that she had almost killed him. He had some sense of tact, and they both knew what happened. "It's as you said, you had no control over it, and I know you. You wouldn't do anything like that unless something was forcing you to. I don't talk about it, because there wasn't anything to talk about. I know," However, if that was all of their problems, they wouldn't be having this sit down.
"It's not that that bothers me... It's what it meant," Ashton said, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees. He was quiet for a moment, trying to get up the courage to spit out the words, as if putting them out there would curse them. Tilting his head to the side, he finally said it. "We... Don't have as long together as others. I know that too. And it scares the shit out of me," he said in a monotone. He was afraid if he allowed in his emotions, then his voice would break and quit on him. But no, she was right. They needed to talk.
"You have nothing to be disappointed about. You did nothing wrong," Ashton added. "And I'm sorry I left you all alone with that. I want... I don't... Maybe if I saw you sooner, maybe if I just... I was just hoping..." He said, trailing off. He didn't know what to say, or how to say it. He didn't want it to sound like he was making excuses, but he just didn't know how to piece the words together..
Having said everything sheâd come to say, Nostariel felt the traces of anger bleeding out of her, leaving only resignation in their wake. She sighed, and her shoulders slumped, her eyes moving down to where her hands were clasped in her lap. She studied her own fingers for several moments, strangely uncertain of what to say now that she hadnât gone over it in her own head thirty times on the way up here. It wasnât in her to stay upset for very long, and she honestly didnât want to be upset with him in the first place.
âIt's not fair.â She hated the weakness she could hear in her own voice. She was being patheticâshe had known what the consequences were when she chose to undertake the Joining. But⊠sheâd also been young. So, so young, and foolish in the way the young could sometimes be. âWe fight so hard, do as much as we can every day, and all Iâm going to get at the end of it is madness and death and Iââ She swallowed past the growing lump in her throat. âIâll leave you behind. I canât grow old with you. I canâtâŠâ She shook her head.
Wrapping her arms about her midsection, Nostariel seemed to fold in on herself a little, her upright posture collapsing into something half-bent, bowed under a weight sheâd never felt so keenly before. How could she have forgotten? She hadnât really, but it had seemed⊠so inconsequential, so far away, until sheâd tasted death in the Deep Roads. Until Corypheus had taught her what it would feel like. Nowâit wasnât close, exactly, but she no longer thought of it as far away. It was close enough to make a difference. In the grip of that thought, she felt her stomach turn.
âIâm so sorry.â
Ashton was out of his chair and across the gap between them in a moment, on his knees with his hand reaching for hers. "No, no, no," he repeated, a certain solidity backing his voice. "You have nothing to be sorry for. I knew from the beginning, and I didn't care," he said, gripping her hand with one of his, the other still balled into a fist on her knee. "Look. Nos. I would rather have a few years with you than not have you at all. You are... You are worth it, every bit," He said, letting go of her hand and cupping her face. "I love you," He said.
Nostariel didnât respond verbally, instead winding both of her arms around Ashtonâs neck, leaning forward and pressing her forehead into his shoulder. She didnât cryâhonestly, she was fairly sure sheâd run out of tears several days ago, with as much as sheâd been dwelling on this, but her fingers found all the purchase they could on the back of his armor, and she resented it for a moment, for keeping her from his warmth the way it did.
âI love you, too.â It was more a murmur than anything, considering her positioning, but it was audible. âI just⊠right now, I wish I werenât a Warden. I wish our problems were normal things, like whether we should move in together or get married or how many children we wanted. Not⊠not what weâll do if I get transferred or something happens to one of us in the line of duty or what⊠what happens when I die.â Theyâd been together for right around three years; those should be the kind of things they talked about. If theyâd been anyone but themselves, those would be their concerns. It was hard to think of anything she wouldnât have given to be able to disagree with him about things like that. But she realized sheâd never broached a single one of those topics, perhaps because some part of her had always known this was coming. Had always known that they wouldnât get that kind of blessed simplicity.
Ashton wound his arm around her and breathed her in deep. "We'll figure something out. We always do," he said, pushing the other thoughts out of his head and putting up a strong front. "But..." He said, slowly pulling back from her, and looking her in the eyes. He seemed hesitant, as his eyes flickered in his head, however soon his jaw set and he decided on something. "If you really want a normal problem, we can start with a simple one. A yes or no question, really."
Ashton glanced down at his fist on her knee and slowly opened it, revealing a silver ring inlaid with what appeared to be dragonbone, and set with a sapphire. Along the inside, an inscription read, "For my sweetheart, Nostariel."
"I'd hoped to do this far more romantically but... Nos, would you marry me?"
Well, she was wrong about being out of tears. Rather embarrassingly, Nostariel burst into a fresh round of them at the question, blotchy red complexion and all. She was an ugly crier, she knew that quite well. But she didnât really have a thought to spare for it, because tears or no, she was intent on providing an answer.
Perhaps in retrospect, she should have spoken before she moved forward and sealed her lips to his, but she was a mess of emotions, hurt and sadness ricocheting around and knocking against elation and the soft, effervescent bubbles of giddiness. She kissed him until she was out of breath, and then she pulled back, hands yet at his collar, a smile creasing the corners of her eyes, still, ridiculously, leaking tears.
âYes. Yes, of course I will.â