Snippet #2686171

"Don't think of it like a test, but essentially it's a test." Ben said and James laughed, nervously. As he listened, his anxiety steadily increased until his stomach was tense. His mind ran through the list of all his insecurities and weaknesses, anything that could come through in his dream and expose him to Rosemary and Ben as a fraud or a weak team member. People-pleaser... desperate for approval... perfectionist... guilty. There was a hollow feeling in his chest where the secret sat and panic fizzed through him. It wasn't like he'd be fired from the agency or anything if Rosemary and Ben discovered the source of his guilt, but they would be appalled by him. They wouldn't like him anymore and even the thought of that rejection made him feel queasy.

He swallowed, forcing the feelings back to where they lived in the pit of his stomach. He was overthinking. He had learned in his training that sharing dreams could be intense, but the dreams wouldn't expose that much and not straight away -- he hoped. It wasn't even like they'd be under for that long. He forced a smile, just about maintaining a level of outward confidence.

"That makes sense," James said with a nod and part of him wondered what he would learn about Ben and Rosemary. It didn't sit comfortably with him to know too much about them. It seemed intrusive, but then they must have experience with being vulnerable that he had yet to learn. Rosemary gave a smile towards him that was meant to reassure, but James thought he detected some nerves in her as well.

She looked at Ben. "It's been a while," she admitted. "To be honest," she glanced quickly at James, who felt like he was already intruding. "I haven't done it since Dillinger." She chewed the inside of her lip, giving Ben time to process the implications of what she was saying, how vulnerable she would feel and that she was, in fact, extremely rusty. She looked Ben directly in the eye. "But I trust you."

Rosemary knew one had to enter the dreams with people you trusted anyway, but after not having done it in so long, it was even more important. You needed to know your team members could support you, could handle any lapses or leaking of emotions without rejecting you. She wasn't just trusting Ben with the physical safety of her mind during the dream, but trusting him enough to be vulnerable in front of him. She could do that, couldn't she?

"I'll make sure we're not under for very long," Rosemary said, a reassurance to herself and to James. She could be vulnerable, but maybe not for too long.

She collected a maggot in a petri dish. "This will just be an exploratory time -- an experiment if you like." She was saying this more to James, but the idea of it being in the name of science helped make her calm too. "If Ben agrees," she glanced at him. "Why don't you take us to your childhood home? It's a place you know really well, so that should make the dream more stable. I think it would be a good idea to remove any characters from the place, to keep things more simple. You've had training in how to do that, right?" James nodded. "Well, lie down when you're ready. Unless Ben has anything to add?"