Quietly, Madoka moved towards the elevator. The others had crowded in already...aside from Clair, he realized. Shortly after Braeden's death, the mastermind of the trial sank to the floor, toppled onto her side and curled into the fetal position. She wept, nails scratching at her skin.
Madoka's body was heavy. He was exhausted--this trial had drained him emotionally and physically.
And yet, as he began to step into the elevator, he knew he couldn't leave Clair behind. Even after everything she had done--even after she had revealed her true nature to the group--he just couldn't leave her behind.
Taking a deep breath, he returned to her side, reaching out to place a gentle hand on her shoulder.
"It's alright, Clair. Everything will be alright--"
"DON'T TOUCH ME!"
Her hand smacked his away just as his fingers brushed her body. Madoka drew back with a jerk, nearly falling back. He glanced over at the other students as if begging them for advice.
Clair...let me in, please...
"It's okay," Madoka swore. "P-please, Clair...I-I forgive you, so it's okay...please, let's just get out of here."
She offered no response beyond her continued sobs. Madoka glanced down at the apatite encircling his wrist. He bit his lip.
Relieves grief.
Silently, he worked to remove the bracelet from his wrist and placed it on Clair's hand. She grasped it immediately, bringing it close to her face.
"Mado." The leftover harshness in Faqir's voice was not lost on Madoka. He fiddled with his fingers, staring at Clair. "She's not coming, okay? Leave her. If she wants to be like this, just...I want to get out of here, okay? We all do."
"I'm not leaving." Clair hadn't left Madoka during the first trial and the days following. She hadn't left him when they all ran around like chickens with their heads cut off after Monokuma's announcement. Even before the trip took a terrible turn, she had brought him along with her as her companion and led been his source of strength.
Now it was Madoka's turn to be hers.
Hesitantly, he hovered his hand over her shoulder. "...Clair, let's get you back to bed, okay? It's going to be alright. You'll see. We still have hope, right? And as long as we have that, there's...nothing to be afraid of. Because we have each other. You..."
Clair choked, holding tightly to the bracelet Madoka had passed to her. Deciding it was worth the risk, he began to lower his hand, recoiling again when Clair writhed at his touch.
"Clair...it's me. I-it's just me, okay? I-it's all going to be alright. Because..." Madoka swallowed, trying to relieve the dryness in his throat. "Because...I'm your good luck charm, right?"
She quivered at the foot of the podium, silent.
Slowly, her head turned to look at him. Her eyes, dull, lifeless, and full of tears--her makeup, smudged and dripping off--her body, trembling like an earthquake...
For the first time, Madoka realized how young she was. Without the mask her makeup had given her, he saw all her imperfections, all her vulnerabilities, hidden only by her hands covering her jaw. She may have been Madoka's source of strength, but she was still human.
He couldn't stand it. Steeling himself for any horrible reactions she might have, Madoka pulled Clair off of the ground and into his arms.
At first, she thrashed frantically, trying to pry herself free--but when Madoka's arms only tightened around her, she slowly relaxed, going almost limp in his arms. One hand rested on Madoka's back, her face burying in his shoulder.
"It's going to be okay," Madoka whispered. "I-I'm not going anywhere, okay? I forgive you. I forgive you for everything. It's going to be alright. You're safe now."
"S...safe," Clair sounded out, as though the word were foreign. After the events of the trial, Madoka was certain it was.
Slowly, he drew the quivering girl to her feet. Clair instantly collapsed against Madoka, and he stumbled, adjusting his grip to hold her up. Exhausted as he was, Madoka couldn't find the energy to carry her.
Slowly, Romano emerged from the elevator, approached the pair, and bowed. He took Clair from Madoka's arms, lifting her into his own. She didn't move, staring off into the distance. Grateful, Madoka followed Romano back into the elevator.
As the grate slammed shut and the car shot upwards, Madoka moved closer to Faussin, feeling in full force the sheer severity of what they were suffering.
This would change everything. Knowing it horrified him.
Two days had come and gone since the events of the second trial. The hole left by Eriko and Braeden was palpable--even Faqir had been quiet and somber lately.
But more than that...
Madoka placed his hand against Clair’s door, biting his lip. She had locked herself in her room ever since the last trial, refusing to show up for meetings, get breakfast, or even talk to anyone. Even so, Madoka was determined not to lose her--he had barely avoided losing her physically, and he could not--would not--lose her emotionally.
The mastermind behind the last trial had been thoroughly broken by her previous experiences. Faqir's grudge against the girl stuck, and Madoka was sure others would still hate her, but he just couldn't bring himself to abandon her. When no one else would visit, he left food outside her door in hopes she would eat, told her stories from his life before Hope's Peak in hopes she would listen, and passed along all the information from the meetings in hopes she would come to the next one.
Nothing seemed to work.
"Clair?" Madoka’s voice sounded weak. He waited for a moment, hearing no response. "...Clair? It's Madoka, your good luck charm. I, um...I noticed you didn't eat the dinner I brought you last night. Or lunch...or breakfast."
Her room was silent. Madoka took a deep breath.
"I have a bagel with cream cheese here," he said brightly. "I-I'll just leave it here for you, okay? So if you get hungry, you don't have to walk all the way to the cafeteria. Um, what else, what else...oh! Romano cleaned off your other earring now that we no longer need it. I-if your ear has healed, maybe you can put it back in."
Not a sound from inside. Madoka's hand closed into a fist.
"...I miss you," he said quietly. "I hope you're doing alright in there. I'd love to come in and just...just see you again, just one more time. I'm really worried about you, you know, y-you're not eating and...and I just don't...want to lose you."
The air was still. Casting one last longing look at the door handle, Madoka slowly backed away, beginning to head for the meeting.
"G-good...luck...charm?"
Madoka nearly jumped. He whirled around, spotting Clair's door only slightly ajar; he couldn't even see inside the room, but at least he heard her.
He wondered back, taking cautious steps, afraid to spook her back into hiding. Madoka crouched outside the door, reaching towards the crack. Clair's fingers extended from within, just barely entangling with Madoka's.
"How are you feeling?"
Her fingers twitched. "Why..."
Her voice was hoarse, dyed with the strange pitch she'd slowly descended into during the trial.
Madoka heard her coughing and was immediately worried about her hydration levels. Thankfully, he'd thought to bring a water bottle with the breakfast--maybe he could convince her to take it.
"Why...d-didn't I...die?"
Madoka's fingers gripped at hers instinctively. He hesitated, trying to find the right words. Nothing came.
"Why didn't...y-you kill me...? I-I wanted...I tried, I...I-I really tried..."
What can I even say to her? How...how can I save her?
"I-if I died..." Clair's voice was still choked with sobs; Madoka wondered how long she had been crying. "If I died, would...would everyone forgive me? I-if I bleed, w-will they still hate me? I'm trying...I-I'm really trying...w-why didn't I die in that trial?"
"I already forgive you," Madoka insisted. "It's okay, really. N-no one hates you. It's okay."
"Please don't lie to me." Her fingers started to withdraw. Desperate, Madoka yanked them further out until he could see her whole hand. He grabbed it, holding tightly to her wrist. "M...Madoka, I deserve...I deserve to be hated. I-it's okay that you do. I deserve to be punished for this. I deserve to die."
Madoka's mind flashed back to Clair's screams about her own personal "hell" during the trial. His brain made the connection quickly, but for her sake, he decided not to ask.
What can I even do for her? She's broken. What can I do?
"I'm sorry. I'm so useless." Clair chuckled, mirthlessly. "...I can't even die properly. What kind of failure can't even die?"
"I don't want you to die," Madoka blurted. "I-I don't want to lose you. I don't want you to die here, I want you to make it out of here with all of us!"
"And do what?" Bitterness hung in Clair's words. Madoka stared at her hand, clutched in his. He realized for the first time how much weight she had lost in just those two days. "Go back home and do it all over again? Return to my apartment, where I live by myself, with no friends, no family, no...nothing? Get back to my normal life, where I spend all my time staring at myself in a mirror until I perfect the mask I wear every day? Hate myself, drown in my own self-loathing, draw my blood until it stains the floors so deep I can no longer get it out? Walk the streets and exercise the only control I have by manipulating and dumping men in an endless cycle even though I don't even like men? Stress myself out by hiding everything from everyone, protecting myself, keeping everything bottled up like I always do, putting all my shattered pieces just so I can go out and get them shattered again, then go home, make myself perfect again, and go out into the world as this image of perfection, of control, of charm...only to betray everyone who has ever looked up to me when they realized I'm just a selfish, worthless, broken, shameful whore?"
Madoka wasn't even sure how to start responding. He waited for Clair to continue.
"Madoka...I don't have any hope. I...I have nothing to hope for. And I've...grown so used to it, I-I've gotten so attached to it, that it's...just a part of me now. It's a part of me that I try so hard to hide, every day...a part I so desperately wanted to keep hidden forever, a part I never wanted you to have to see. I wanted to be strong for you. I...I wanted to feel like maybe, just maybe, I was important to someone. Maybe...maybe someone would...actually care if I died."
"I care!" Madoka insisted, clutching Clair's hand with both of his. "I-I care, Clair, I care so much, please...p-please, listen to me, I-I just...d-don't leave me..."
For a moment, Clair didn't respond. Madoka hated how cold her hand felt in his.
"I wonder..." Her voice was wistful when she finally spoke again. "If you knew the truth...if you knew the secret I've fought so hard to protect, would...would you still care about me?"
"Of course," Madoka swore. "I know all of this about you--y-you did what you did and I still love you, how--"
He realized too late that he had said "love". Unfortunately, Clair heard it too.
"Madoka..." She was quiet. "...I'm...I'm sorry."
"S-sorry?" Madoka willed his voice to stop shaking. "Why? This isn't--"
"I'm sorry I let you fall in love with me." The odd pitch returned to Clair's voice; she cleared her throat. "It...it can't happen. I'm too broken, Madoka. You deserve better. Besides, I..." Clair hesitated. "I...hate men."
Madoka flinched.
"Not you," Clair insisted. "I could never hate you, not...not really. But through my life, all they've ever done is hurt me. Physically, emotionally, sexually, however they can. I've been beaten, I've been belittled, I...I've had things stolen from me that I can never get back. Even if I know you would never be like them, I...I can't. I just can't do this. I'm sorry, I just can't."
Madoka took a deep breath, an unfamiliar pain in his heart. "R-right. I-I understand, i-it's okay. ...I just want us to be friends."
"I don't think you really want that." Clair paused. "I'm just going to end up hurting you. It's all I know how to do now. It's a drug to me--string people along, finally gain some kind of control so I can hurt them, so for once I can be the one causing others pain instead of the one getting hurt. I'll just end up hurting you too, like I did when I used you and tricked everyone and...and rejected you."
Madoka bit his lip. For the first time, he noticed strange wounds on Clair's hand and wrist.
"Can I...can I just rot in here? Alone, where I can't hurt anyone else, where I can't see them all glaring at me. I just want to waste away in this room like I deserve to."
"No."
Madoka's newfound courage continued to surprise him. Faqir's bracelet had worked, it seemed--his boldness was beginning to grow.
"I won't let you die. If you die after you let Braeden take the fall for you, then what's the point in it, right? He died so you wouldn't, so the least you can do is live for him."
"I killed him," Clair whispered. "I killed Braeden, I killed Eriko...why stop there? I'm a murderer. I'm a psychopath. I'm a slut. I'm a b*tch. I'm nothing worth protecting."
"Neither am I." Madoka's hands shook; he gripped Clair's tighter. "I-I'm nothing special. I've done nothing wrong and nothing right. I'm not amazing, I'm not horrible, I'm just...me. Look at you, y-you're such a fantastic makeup artist that you were awarded the title of 'Ultimate' and here I am, only getting here through sheer chance and still managing to fall in the middle of the road. I...I'm useless too, Clair, b-but you still wanted to protect me. You still decided I was worth something, e-even though I...I'm not! Even though I have nothing to offer you, e-even though I'm just some guy, even though I'm nothing, you still...y-you were still my friend."
He felt her hand shaking too. Scooting a bit closer, Madoka rested their hands in his lap, leaning his forehead against the crack in the door.
"So then..." Madoka paused, reaching up to wipe the tears from his eyes. "If I'm useless and you still cared about me, then...I can still care about you even if you're useless. And maybe we can be useful to each other, even if it's just to give each other a real friend, s-someone we can actually talk to and someone who can carry us when we fall, who can be strong when we're weak even if...even if they're weaker than anyone else in the world, that just by looking at each other, we can...we can find the courage to be strong. B-because that's what you did for me, y-you made me feel like I could be strong, that for once in my life maybe I could be more than just 'some guy', because you were there and you cared and...and I loved you for it."
Clair sniffled behind the door. Madoka smiled warmly.
I won't lose her. Not like this.
"C-Clair, what if...I move into your apartment with you?"
She released a soft gasp, silent.
"When we get out of here," Madoka continued, "I'll move in with you, so that way you won't be alone and we won't have to say goodbye. I-I can take care of you, and then everything will be fine, right? You can have something to look forward to, something that you actually want when you get out, so you wouldn't have to give up. I...I'm okay that you don't like me back, i-it's not a problem, I just want to...to be around you. I just want to be with you, even if it's just friends, because you're important to me and you're the first person who has looked at me and seen someone worth...protecting. And I see you as someone worth protecting too, so we can be there for each other. I-I'm a clean roommate, I-I promise, a-and I'm not very loud and I don't take long showers and I guess it might be awkward living with a boy b-but I would never hurt you! I'd never want to force you into anything o-or whatever, you can trust me, I promise, w-we can even put locks on all the doors so I couldn't get in even if I wanted to, which I don't...y-you're a beautiful woman b-but it's not like--"
Before he could finish, the door flew open and Clair launched herself into his arms, sobbing. Madoka hesitated, startled, then slowly hugged her back, feeling his eyes close.
This is...how I want it to be all the time. I just want to be around her. Even if she's broken, even if she's useless, even if she's cruel. She's Clair, and Clair is the woman I love most.
"I'd like that, good luck charm." Clair's voice had returned to her usual tone, but Madoka could detect the brokenness even in that now. "That...I'd really like that."
Thank goodness.
"Th-then..." Madoka swallowed, hesitating. "Will...do you want to go to the meeting? E-everyone else is probably waiting. Oni was asking about you. W-we can walk there together, and I won't leave your side all day, okay? E-except to go to the bathroom and all that. W-when we have to, but...yeah. I'm not going anywhere, is what I mean."
Clair drew away, wiping her eyes. Madoka quickly realized she was wearing less makeup than he had ever seen her in; her features were less pronounced than he thought. "I'm scared of seeing them. They won't want to see me. I should just stay in my room..."
"Of course they want to see you," Madoka insisted. "How about this? Let's go down there and see them, and if you're still scared and they all hate you, I'll walk you back to your room and keep bringing you meals until you feel better. D-does that sound good?"
Clair nodded then shook her head. "I-I really don't want anyone else seeing me like this."
"Then I'll wait here while you pull yourself together a bit, and then we'll go."
She sighed, smiling up at him with an odd look in her eyes. "You're really not going to give up on me, are you? Geez...you remind me of my best friend before..."
Madoka found himself dying to confirm his suspicions. "Clair, you..."
"I'll go get cleaned up, okay? Wait here." She stood--Madoka realized her body was still shaking. Her eyes darting around reinforced it--Clair still hadn't fully recovered.
Of course she hasn't. You're not a miracle worker, Madoka.
"Wait," Madoka began. "I-I just want to know. Were you--"
"Please don't ask." Clair clutched her arms, the deadness returning to her eyes. "...I-I don't want to have to think of it again. Lately I haven't been able to stop, and if that keeps up I'll really kill myself next time."
Madoka bit his lip, dipping his head. Taking the cue, Clair ducked back into her room, closing the door behind her. Madoka stood, sighing miserably.
She was talking, at least--that was a plus. Still, Madoka knew in that moment that the Clair he had once known was officially gone. In her place was a ruined shadow of herself, a caricature of the composed, mysterious woman he'd once known. Her soul was bare, her heart broken, and her mind raw.
It was more important than ever for Madoka to look out for her.
When she finally emerged, Clair immediately grabbed onto Madoka's arm, standing half-hidden behind him. He could feel her body shaking.
Silently, he reached into his pocket, removed Clair's earring, and passed it to her. She took it, placing it in her jacket pocket, and fished out Madoka's bracelet which he had given her during the trial. Madoka held out his wrist and Clair helped him put the bracelet back on before clinging to his arm once more.
The two began moving towards the conference room to catch the meeting in silence. Despite the lack of spoken word, a thought passed between them, felt and embraced in the heart.
You're not alone anymore.