Engineer's Story

Arriving at the studio, a skeleton wearing a cowboy hat and his engineering assistant are preparing to start their broadcast. The skeleton's name is Ghost, and his assistant's name is... well, Engineer. The Engineer is starting the show up in the console while preparing to check on the chatroom for there will be rule breakers screwing around by spamming constantly. Ghost readies his microphone as the show begins.

"What's goin' on, folks?" Ghost introduced, "And welcome to another addition of Unita Talk Radio. And of course, I am your host the man they call Ghost. And I like to thank everyone for tunin' in with me. Before we get on with the subject matter, I like you to please retweet the first tweet on my twitter account. ...Alright then, let's get started with the first subject, shall we?"

He goes on with the first subject of the broadcast.

"According to the news today, the skankasaurus Mad Moxxi is implementing her new death race grand prix called "Moxxxi Grand Prix". And apparently she is doing this for everyone's entertainment if you don't mind the innuendos. Moxxxi Grand Prix will have four or five different kinds of courses and they will be chosen in order. All of them will take place in different planets of the galaxy. Now, if you want my personal opinion, Moxxi is apparently doing this to see people killed in the process. This is not a real race- this is like watching a snuff film. Okay? And furthermore, we don't know how many racers will be in it and what will be the first race track to begin with. Whether people like it or not, it's a race to remember."

Ghost is now taking calls.

"I want to hear what you have to say... Let's uh.. start with... Caller #1. What's up? You're on the horn."

"Hey," called an unfamiliar voice. "Just so you know you're a racist asshole who influences other idiots to become racist assholes. CONGRATULATIONS! As your reward, I'm sending over a special friend who would REALLY like to meet you!"

Major Payne kicks down the door to Ghost's studio and looks at Ghost, lust in his eyes.

"HEY! WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?!" Ghost screams at Major Payne, "Engineer! Kick him out! Now!!!"

"Huur duuurrduaahhuuuuarr aahhh haaaaahhh!!" Engineer pushes Major Payne out of the room.

Ghost uses a mic to apologize to the listeners. "I'm sorry folks, but there was somebody barging in the office and it turned out to be a fruity bondage guy looking for a horizontal mambo. Anyway, Caller #2, you're up."

"I heard you were talking about me, Ghost." said a feminine voice.

"Who is this?"

"This is Mad Moxxi, and for you, this is a rather interesting moment to tell you more about the death race... That is if you want to, sugar."

Ghost groans when Moxxi is calling.

"Argh, jesus christ. Okay, let's hear it... Just don't take up too much time, I got other callers in waiting in line. Just make it quick."

Major Payne bursts back in, dragging the Engineer out and mumbling something, either profane or profound. No one can tell in his gimp suit. But he's having a lot of fun with Engineer right now.

Ghost is paying attention to Moxxi rather than the screaming Engineer.

"The Moxxxi Grand Prix is available to all racers. It will be the badass space race you have ever seen. The slots are currently empty, so there is time to join in the fun. You are free to bring your vehicle with weapons... I always loved racers that bring out the big guns."

"Okay, I can't tell if you're making a statement or an innuendo," Ghost chuckled, "But I find it interesting. I would not be surprised if a brony comes in with his "Ponymobile". Those fruitbowls will drive with a mechanical pony, am I correct?"

"It doesn't matter. Just as long as a pegasus have a drilling horn that can shove into anything."

A few seconds later, Major Payne comes back in, smoking a cigarrette in satisfaction. The Engineer has one, too, for whatever reason.

The Engineer starts crying his tears out before dropping his cigarette out of his mouth. He had been raped...

"Now if you excuse me, I got a contest to prepare." Moxxi hangs up.

"And that, my friends, is the slutbag we all know and love today, Moxxi." Ghost resumes taking calls, "Anyway, let's take the third caller. Caller #3, what's your opinion on the grand prix?"

"What kind of crappy race is that?" asked the third caller. "There's no reward or anything! Just some bimbo telling us to build death machines and go out into space so we can get blown up!"

Major Payne continues looking lustily at Ghost.

"OH RIGHT! I forgot to mention that there will be a million dollars worth of prizes for those who actually survive the race and is placed in first." Ghost replied, "Anyway, 4th caller, you're up!"

"A million dollars?" asked the fourth caller, who sounds specifically similar to the third caller. "That's a lame reward! That's not even worth the cost of making a cart for this! You can tell Moxxi that she can go take that race and SUCK MAH DICK! SUCK MAH DICK! SUCK MAH DICK! SUCK MAH DICK!"

Major Payne is being turned on by this fourth caller.

"Oh there's this guy again--" Ghost hangs him up, "Get that idiot out of here- GET'EM OFF for Christ sake...."

He is annoyed at the Suck Mah Dick guy. Then he picks another caller.

"Caller #5, you're on the horn. What do you think about Moxxxi Grand Prix?"

A familiar tune starts to play.

"Think about a race that's stupid as hell,
With a reward that's worse than her perfume's smell
And you'll understand what Moxxi's race means to me!
Ain't got a rigged car, which I can't afford
Even if I win I'd still be dirt poor,
So I'll just say one thing before I leave!

Well fuck you Moxxi, and fuck your big Grand Prix!
Fuck your fuckin' snuff fetish and fuck your prize money!
Fuck every Borderlands man who ever drew a breath,
Fuck you Moxxi, and fuck you plum to death!"

All this talk of fucking makes Major Payne hard.

"Okay, we don't need to hear that, we get it," Ghost said, "I guess you people just don't like her idea. Well guess what? She's gonna open the race anyway. Anyway, on to the second subject matter."

He clears his throat.

"Once again, Peach, the princess of Kinoko City is once again kidnapped. But this time, she got kidnapped by some fruity ass demon! T'heh hah hah hah hah! Can you believe this crap? This bimbo did not consider adding protection on herself! Eyewitnesses say that it was Sonic the Hedgehog who did it. What you just witness is an act of treason. Yeeeeahhhh, why do you think he has super speed for, huh? She is missing until she is found dead or alive. I want to hear what you want to say about it."

Ghost begins to take calls again.

"Caller #6, what's up? You're on the horn."

"Hiya, Ghost! Just wondering - why are you always so grouchy all the time? You gotta be more optimistic!" says a youthful voice on the phone. "Youuu gotta be upbeat upbeat upbeat~ Or you'll be dead meat dead meat dead meat~"

Despite the effort of giving him optimism, Ghost hangs him up.

"Freakin' fruitbowl," Ghost commented, "Look, my show is serious business, alright? And I don't want any of you troll terrorists to mess up this show. If you do more of this, I will take the necessary steps to make sure that I will get punitive damages OUT OF YOUR ASS!!! Jesus Christ, man... Caller #7, you there?"

"Stupid racist. Mr. Zurkon is looking to keel you!" said the caller.

"GRRRR-- I'm not a racist you stupid s--.... I'm gonna calm down.. I'm not gonna let you idiots get to me, alright? ...Anyway, we're talking about Sonic the Hedgehog over here. Caller #8, what do you have anything to say about it?"

There is no eighth caller. No one is calling. Not one single person. No one cares anymore. Ghost is simply a stupid man looking for attention and complaining when he gets it, so why should he recieve any? Hell, even Major Payne is getting bored with him.

"Another Helen Keller death mute..." He switches to next caller, "Alright, last call and that better be worth something. Caller #9, what do you have to say about it?"

"HELLO, MY NAME IS GHOST!" A voice that sounds like Ghost said, "I LIKE BRONIES! I LOVE TO EAT POO POO! I READ HOMESTUCK EVERY SINGLE DAY! AND I'M ALREADY WEARING PANTIES AND BRAS DURING WORK HOURS! Isn't that great?"

"ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! GODDAMN IT, YOU AUDIO SPLICE PIECE OF--" *cans.wav* Ghost throws thousands of cans around, "FUCKING HATE YOU!!!! I HATE YOU!!!!! AARRRRRRRRRAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!"

He finished throwing cans around. He breathes and snorts at the same time, and he is even madder than ever.

"YOU SICK ASS SPLICERS!!!! I'M SICK OF ALL OF YOU AUDIO SPLICERS!!! IF YOU WERE IN FRONT OF ME NOW, I WISH IT WAS YOUR GODDAMN FA--" *cans.wav* "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!"

He stopped throwing cans around and coughed out loud. His anger got the best of him.... again.

Major Payne grabs Ghost and drags him outside for some super happy fun times!

You've been listening to True Capitalist Radio. The thoughts, views, ideas, comments, and opinions of the host of the show are...absolutely his.

"JESUS CHRIST!" Ghost screamed, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING, YA FUCKING BUTTSTALKER?!!!"

But before he can say anything, Major Payne rapes Ghost in the ass, and tortures him like a sex slave. The Engineer jawdropped at the two having a fruitbowl party. It was too much for Ghost that he decided that he would end the show permanently.

After a long, LONG night of fun, Major Payne sits by Ghost, smoking a nice cigar. Much like Engineer before him, Ghost somehow has a cigar too. Soon, Payne puts his pants back on, tosses his number over to Ghost, and leaves.