Fiona Brand's Story

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Fiona wondered very seriously if what was happening to her was a panic attack. She leaned heavily on the sink, her head slumped over as she watched the water running into the drain.

Had she just so seriously been afraid to speak to her friends that she’d had a panic attack?

“Oh god this year is going to be horrible,” she said to herself.

She turned off the water and stepped away, into one of the stalls where she put her back flat against the wall and slid to the floor.

“This isn’t about James,” she said for the what must have been the thousandth time since term had ended.

But if it wasn’t really about him, then why must she keep reminding herself of that?

Because she couldn’t figure out what else it was about. When she thought of him, that silly hair, those sweet eyes - it didn’t upset her, make her nervous or embarrassed, didn’t make her think any of the things she thought when she’d spotted a clump of sixth year Ferres on the boat.

No, this wasn’t about him. Breaking up with him had sucked, had really, really sucked. Then again, dating him hadn’t been so great either, or they wouldn’t have broken up. This was about her, about whatever was going on that made her hate the sight of people she loved, made her want to spend a four hour long boat ride hiding in a bathroom.

She pushed herself to her feet and walked purposefully back to the sink, looking herself straight in the eyes as she approached the mirror.

“You are just being stupid. Those people like you and you like them. And they will understand if you say you want to spend more time alone this year.”

That is what her mother had recommended, talk honestly to her friends about her problems. Easy for her mom to say, she didn’t have to share a dorm room with them every night, see their disappointed faces when she said she wanted to be alone.

First Fiona had asked if she could transfer to another magical school. They’d gone so far as to tour the one that was just off the railroad in the middle of nowhere Wyoming. Around it one of the largest wizard only towns in America had grown, and both school and town were completely invisible to Muggles.

Fiona had actually like it, liked that they’d done away with some of the Old World traditions that hung around Magnus Grex, like Houses and Prefects.

That is what upset her. That Prefect badge pinned to her sweater, reflected so shiny and bright in the mirror. It had been what set off the panic. Her friends where going to see the badge, comment on it, congratulate her and hug her. The thought of all that praise had turned her stomach.

But why?

She loved that she was selected to be a Prefect. It was her badge coming in the mail that made her change her mind and agree to return to Magnus. She pictured herself in the halls, directing first years, encouraging second years, maybe getting more students to the Potions club so she could tutor them, something she adored doing.

All those thoughts calmed her. Picturing the nameless faces of new students made her happy. It was the familiar faces of her closest friends that upset her.

She pushed back her blonde hair, straightened her yellow sweater, and left the bathroom. Then she turned left and avoided completely the group of Ferres. She would talk to them tonight in the Great Hall or in their rooms, no need to dwell on it now.

Once the boat landed and they were walking through the halls of the school she felt better. Friends waved to her and she waved back. She hugged and kissed people on the cheek and only kind of tried to hid her Prefect badge so people wouldn’t notice it.

She took a seat with the other Ferres, and there was James, where he always sat, leaning over to talk to Rae at the Cervus table. God he was still cute.

Fiona pushed her hair back and called his name. He turned, surprised for a moment, but then smiled at her. She smiled backed and waved as friendly as she could.

See, she said to herself, I knew it wasn’t about him.

Then there were the first years, all lined up, squirming and fidgeting. You could always tell the muggle born, they were the ones with eyes so wide the looked like they might fall out. Fiona knew most people hated this part, but she loved it. She would stand up and greet each new Ferre. She would hug them and tell them how happy she was they were part of her house.

As the ceremony began she felt comfortable, avoiding thought of the long night ahead in a dorm room full of friends she didn’t want to talk to.

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James was just finishing dessert when a piece of parchment landed in his lap. He uncrumpled the piece of paper, immediately recognising Rae's neat penmanship. Was he joining the Herbology club? He thought for a moment. He'd hate to disappoint Rae but he had Quidditch practice to consider too.

"Accio quill and ink," he whispered, moving his wand as subtley as possible. He watched for the items, hoping no one would see them as they came whizzing through the doors to his side. He quickly unscrewed the lid of the ink and replied, "Congrats. I'll have to check how intensive Quidditch practice will be this year, but I'll do my best. Summer was okay, Chicago's as nice as ever. How was your summer?" James slid the ink and quill into the pocket of his robes and folded the paper into an airplane, sending his reply to Rae by way of jabbing her ear with the nose of the plane.

Janes looked up the table, searching for his fellow prefect. He wasn't sure how he felt when he realised it was Fiona. He pinned his badge to his jumper and stood up, heading to the middle of the table, where most of the first years were sitting, "Now first years, soon as your ready, follow me and I'll show you to our common room and dorm," a considerable number of first years began milling around him. He made sure to catch Fiona's attention, "Are you okay bringing the rest up?"

He began leading the group of students to the common room, pointing out rooms they'd be using during their time at Magnus "And this is the Ferre common room," He gave the password to the portrait, "Keep on your toes with the password, it changes pretty often," he held the door open letting the first years enter before him, "Now boys, if you'd like to follow me and I will show you to your dorms. Girls, you're gonna have to hang tight until Fiona gets up. I'm not allowed in your tower."

James lead the boys to their dorms, directing each boy to the right room before skipping up to his own room to change out of his uniform and get his small part of the room the way he liked it.

Though it didn’t show on her face, her anxiety left Fiona’s stomach a churning mess. She took a few bites of some of the lighter foods, sipped water, and tried very hard to focus on what everyone was talking about.

“Not hungry?” One friend asked.

“I think I might still be seasick from the ride.”

That seemed to gain her some sympathy, and folks left her to herself.

She thought about the one bright spot of the feast, when Dumbledore had mentioned the clubs, Potions club to be specific.

She smiled to herself. Something to focus on, something to do with her time. And Rae’s Herbology club had been accepted. Well, that would be a little awkward, she and Rae hadn’t spoke much since the breakup with James, but, well, if they were just talking about Herbology it might not be so bad.

In fact, just considering that, considering talking to her friends about only school, about Charms and Potions and Muggle Studies made her stomach settle.

She had things to do, responsibilities, that would help keep her mind off her apparent social anxiety.

Speaking of responsibilities, as a Prefect she needed to help get the first years up to Ferre’s common room. She glanced around the table to see who her fellow fifth year Prefect was. Her eyes fell on a bright badge pinned to James’ robes.

Great, yet another awkward situation she’d have to deal with.

James stood up and called the first years to follow him through the castle. Fiona stood to follow, but stayed behind the main body, gathering up two first year girls, most likely Muggle born, whose eyes had become fixed on two ghosts drifting absently through the dinner table.

“Come on ladies, we don’t want to get left behind. You’ll see plenty more of the ghosts when they drift into the showers.”

This was answered with squeals that were equal part fear and delight. By the time they made it to the portrait, it has swung closed and she showed the girls how to open it with the password.

“Now boys, if you’d like to follow me and I will show you to your dorms. Girls, you’re gonna have to hang tight until Fiona gets up.” James obviously hadn’t noticed Fiona and the two first years enter the common room, “I’m not allowed in your tower.”

“Which is the only reason we girls can sleep at night.” All the little heads spun at Fiona’s words.

For just a second James and Fiona looked at each other and things felt just fine, like her summer of self doubt and worry never happened.

“Let’s go ladies, and let’s not have any fights about who gets the beds by the windows.”

While everyone else slept, Fiona dressed and left the dorm. The still empty common room was filled with the warm, sleepy light of dawn. Clouds of dust floated in the light, making the whole place look like a faded photograph of some time long ago.

Fiona had spent many happy hours in that common room, curled up in the puffy chairs, hard at work at the study tables, lounging around in front of the fire. She told herself that if she simply did these things again, swallowed her anxiety and put herself in the middle of her friends, she would feel happy again.

But even as she thought that she rushed out of the room and to the dining hall. At a nearly empty table, save a few over eager first years, she downed a quick meal. She gave the first years a supportive thumbs up and walked to class before the rush of breakfast made its way to the hall.

She took a seat in the first row, not exactly uncommon for her, and took out her textbook, paper, and a quill, ready to start the year.

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Kat wasn't surprised at all to see all the little fifth and sixth years rushing into the door when she got onto hall that would lead to her classroom. As she came in, she noticed a couple girls waving over and gushing over the new boy. Her dark hues scanned him over once, then glanced to the girl in her own house who's bird came flying in from God-knows-where to perch on the girl's shoulder. "If that bird shits on that half-blood just once, it will have made coming to class worth it," she commented to one of the twins who had just come up beside her. The two smirked and took their places in the middle of the room. Kat enjoyed watching the teacher up close. Some of her professors were actually pretty attractive- for those, she liked to sit close to the front of the room.

Kat coolly crossed her legs and relaxed in her chair, ignoring Rae and the new boy who was attracting a bunch of attention. She tried her best to ignore the conversation about a toad- as it was boring and uninteresting. Instead, she turned her attention to one of the twins. "You owe me a new sweater, by the way," she said calmly, "You vomited on mine last night." She grinned, and the twins laughed- but promised to buy her a new one. This was nice. If she could get over the fact that she was back in this hellhole another year, she might actually be able to enjoy herself.

A first year made the mistake of trying to sit in front of her. "Excuse you, mudblood, I don't need your head blocking my view of the board," Kat snapped. The twins snickered at her sides as the first year blushed and picked up her things- moving them a few seats down. As if on cue, her new little pet- a blonde first year girl- came into the classroom. "Nessie," Kat called. It might have sounded like a call from a loving big sister, had it come from anyone else. Coming from Kat, it sounded more like a sadistic purr, as though she were pulling strings to make the girl move. "Sit here, love," she chirped, tapping the seat in front of her with her foot. "So we can look out for you." The blonde, Vanessa (aka-Nessie), shyly walked over and placed her books down on the table in front of Kat. She had been one of the few who were forced to run naked back to the dorm last night. "Sleep well?"

The professor walked in, and Kat grinned broadly. "We'll chat later, little dove," Kat whispered as she sat back in her chair, watching the professor set up their things on the desk at the front of the room. Glancing around the room, Kat took note of those present- only really looking for people that were purebloods or in her house. After her second glance through the front of the room, she noticed Harvey wasn't among the students. What a lightweight. Is he really that hung over? She glanced to the front of the room, noticing a blonde girl who had perched herself in the very front row. Another half-blood. By the Gods. They'll let anyone into this school now-a-days... Annoyed with the lack of witchblood in the room, Kat opened her book and commenced doodling across the margins. If she was lucky- the class would be over quickly.

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At the front of the class, Fiona was not noticed by most of her friends. Before their eyes fell on her, they would fall on someone closer to the door, missing her completely.

This did not last forever. Some of her Ferre friends finally noticed her, making fun of how she’d pulled out paper and quill before they even figured out which class they’d been sitting through.

“I can’t remember a thing if I don’t write it down,” she said.

They fell into a casual conversation as the room filled. Fiona spat out responses robotically, filling in the conversational gaps as they arose, but not really hearing or listening to her friends. Her disinterest did not show on the outside, she seemed to anyone looking, to be the same old Fiona, just chatting away.

The word mudblood pulled her away, and she focused her attention for the first time since people started filling in the room.

"I don't need your head blocking my view of the board," West. Ugh.

The poor first year almost spilled her bag on the ground in her hurry to move. The small red head was one of Fiona’s first year Ferre.

“Sit here,” Fiona called, pointing to the desk right behind her, smiling then casting a scowl at West.

She wanted to use her authority as a prefect to reprimand West, but West was a seventh year, and a spoiled rich kid. It was better to let it alone.

“Arietem house is mostly full of jerks,” she said to the first year, “Everyone hates them.”

The little girl blushed again.

As if proof of her point, another Arietem jerk, Lucius Todd, sat down only a few seats from her along with his cronies.

The moment the professor strode into the room all chatter stopped. He was a tall man, and though he wasn’t burley, there was a strength to him. He held himself with a confidence that was hard to ignore.

Fiona sighed and felt a acidic pang of anxiety in her stomach when he ordered the desks aside. She’d been hoping for a simple lesson to start the year. Some theory, maybe a discussion, not any practical spell work that demanded and on the spot performance.