Snippet #2111533

"You have got to be kidding me."

These were... not the words I was expecting. I looked up with confusion evident in my gaze as Marcus stepped to the side, gesturing his hand dismissively and motioning me to get back in the alley, looking fully disdainful of the fear I had felt and of the creature before us. "B-but... it..." I murmured, my voice trailing into silence as I became acutely aware of doing something wrong yet again. Had I again misinterpreted his orders, somehow? He had been perfectly clear that I was supposed to escape if something emerged from the dumpster. Something had, so... why? Why was he acting this way, scolding me again as though I'd done something wrong by obeying his commands? Had I misunderstood him again? Why...? Why was it that there were suddenly so many things I didn't understand? It seemed to me like people in the outside world - no, people in general - were always getting mad at me no matter what I did. First, my unremembered failure that had apparently resulted in my imprisonment and punishment, and subsequent near-execution. Next, my sudden appearance apparently angering Jude, and resulting in another punishment. After that, I had quite nearly been punished for my fear of being seen by other people, and then had been beaten savagely by the Vampire for my flight from the Ward. Marcus had saved me, only to scold me when I misinterpreted his orders to unclothe myself. And now, I had only tried to do as he said, but had somehow mistaken his command yet again! In a way, the fact that he, as of yet, hadn't actually physically struck me in retaliation for my failures was actually worse than the punishments I was used to and fully expected. How besides guilty was I supposed to feel for constantly burdening someone so benevolent as to protect me and not harm me? How besides ignorant should I have seemed when everything had to be explained to me, and where all of my innocent follies resulted only in actions so absolutely stupid as to frustrate even such a generous, wise soul as my guardian?

As he explained how I had apparently gone wrong - something about how he had only been joking, which, although I didn't really understand it, seemed to be a way of saying that one was not entirely serious when one made a particular comment, although how one went about discerning the truth from a "joke," I could not begin to fathom - I couldn't help but feel insignificant and mentally inferior. He threw around so casually concepts that I had never even heard of and did not fully understand, such as "jokes" and "kittens," while I simply stood, my head hung low in shame, trying to grasp his meaning in the hopes of discerning some means of not making the same mistake in the future. But, as it lay, I still hadn't the slightest clue how to interpret his words, laced as they were with "jokes" and other casual statements of the facetious. How was I supposed to know when he was in earnest? How was I supposed to meet his expectations, to please him?! I felt as though I'd been unjustly convicted of a crime I didn't commit - or, more aptly, like a child being scolded for unintentionally doing something wrong. I was totally overwhelmed by his words, by his actions, and by the world in general. I felt helpless, unable to even do menial things due to the vast handicap of the unknown. If I couldn't even grasp things that were evidently very simple, then of what use was I to anyone? Perhaps I'd have been better off just going back to the Ward to die so I wasn't a burden anymore. I'd done wrong enough to deserve it.

As Marcus gave me the bag and directed me to put on the clothes within it, ordering me to hurry myself in the action or else face the Ward - a threat which, despite my guilt, decidedly frightened me enough to give me the courage to pass the terrifying kitten as it looked up at me and gave a quiet mew - I headed reluctantly for the end of the alleyway, where a brick wall rose sharply from a building, thus terminating the path. As I reached this point, I set down the bag, and, my hand hesitating over the zipper I'd tried to undo before, I glanced uncertainly back at my new master.

"E-er.... is it really okay, then, to... take this off?" I stammered nervously, my voice almost crushed by the feeling that what I was saying was unbelievably stupid. He had directed me to undress and abandon my old clothing in favor of the new garment he had procured, so it seemed only reasonable that I was supposed to remove the outfit. Yet, I didn't want to do something to anger him further, and at this point, my belief in reasonable courses of action had been entirely shattered. No matter how reasonable it seemed, there was still the chance that I had misunderstood something in his orders, so, reluctant as I had been to do so before, I now decided it would be prudent to ask and confirm what I was supposed to with him before I did it. I only hoped it wouldn't trouble him...

And, this justification for my actions didn't make me feel any less ignorant, or embarrassed.