Arabella Swift's Story

A song or two passed, and Jamie was once again distracted. He was glad that he'd gotten the opportunity to go onstage- because if he hadn't, the anxiety would have been driving him mad. But on stage, it was all shoved to the back of his mind. He didn't worry. He didn't hate himself. He felt grounded.

He looked down to see Bella up the front again. He grinned a little at her as the singer took a brief break and a mouthful of water. But then he had to glance back down at the hastily scribbled set list to see what they were playing next and identify the song. He didn't need to think too hard about the next song, though. He'd be doing most of the vocals in it, but he didn't mind.

"Alright, up next is a little song called Pittsburgh," the singer said. Jamie didn't get much of an intro before he had to start, but he was ready. He was just in that mindset, where the only thing he could think about was the music.

Part of Ellie knew that she was being too harsh, but it was all of the little things that were starting to get to her. Everything kept going wrong, and she wanted to ditch them and go somewhere where she could get really messed up without having Nate fight her fights for her, or Bella nearly flaking out on her. People wondered why she didn't have many friends, and then there was incidents like this.

She didn't acknowledge Bella's comment, just staring at the streetlight above their heads. "Is that all I'm going to get?" She asked. "Nate, you need to acknowledge that these are my fights. I know you have the urge to be grand and chivalrous and protect us women, but I don't need protecting. You forget that I go out without you, and I never get hurt. I kickbox, remember?" She said, looking over at him.

"I know you're only trying to protect me, but you also need to remember that I don't need protecting. You've known me long enough to know that I can stand up for myself," she said, pushing herself away from the wall towards him.

"C'mere, let me look at that cut," she said.

The atmosphere was incredible. These times never seemed to last long enough. He was enjoying himself and everyone around him was enjoying themselves. People were responding well to his vocals, screaming along or starting mosh pits. Whatever part of his brain was missing, whatever part of him made him so sick, so screwed up- it was present on stage. This was who he really was. He was only really alive when he was onstage.

The song ended, and Jamie had a moment where he was overwhelmed by the fact that people were cheering for him, that people had actually liked it. He grinned as he took a mouthful of water. He hadn't gotten much of a chance to warm up before the show, but that had been the only song they were going to play where it would be overly strenuous on his vocal chords. He only had to do backing vocals in the next song anyway. He searched the crowd for Bella and grinned as he found her in a mosh pit. Ellie and Nate still hadn't returned, but they'd probably need some time to calm down. They'd looked rather heated when he'd seen them.

In her heels, she could see his face almost perfectly. "You're a fucking idiot, Nate, you know that?" She sighed. But she called him an idiot so much, it was hardly an insult any more. "And you don't belong in this century. You belong in some age where women just sat around and looked pretty and needed men to stand up for them," she remarked as she examined the cut better.

"Nah, it's not too bad. You'll still be able to make stories up about it on Monday, though," she teased gently, before taking a step back and sighing. "Now, are you going to at least try and stop fighting my battles for me?" She asked. It was frustrating- he fought the battles she could handle, but could do fuck all about the problems she actually needed help with. Not that it was his fault- she just couldn't transfer an addiction onto her best friend. That was something she had to face alone.

She knew that before long, they'd all end up back on the dancefloor, going mental and having an incredible time. And it was those occasions when coming out with friends was better than coming out alone. But it was when an argument happened or somebody was upset or something that it was better to be alone.

Jamie wished it would never end. Despite the fact that he'd never played with any of them before, he was still incredibly relaxed. He was home. The singer started chatting to the crowd as the guitarist changed his guitar and played around with his setup.

"Oh, shit, I forgot to introduce somebody," he suddenly declared, provoking a laugh out of the crowd. "Those of you that have been to a few of our shows- all five of you, that is- may have noticed that this isn't our usual keyboardist. I can see some of you girls- and guys, actually- eying him up, so I'll introduce him. This is Jamie, and we owe him big time. He got us out of a tight spot, so everybody, give it up for Jamie!" He declared. The crowd started applauding and cheering, and Jamie grinned, taking a mouthful out of his water.

"Anyway, we've got two songs left to play for you beautiful people. So I want you guys to go absolutely fucking mental for these two songs, okay? And we will too," the singer said as the guitarist gave him a nod.

Nate wasn't in great form, but neither was Ellie. She wasn't backing down, so she just nodded and headed back inside. Of course Bella was practically onstage, and Ellie could almost see the hearts floating above her head. She made her way towards the stage as the singer introduced Jamie. Ellie cheered, but couldn't clap as her arms were held in such a way as to make herself as small as possible as she negotiated the crowd.

Eventually, she got up to Bella. "How's the show?" She yelled. She didn't know if Nate was behind her, but she didn't check. He'd brought it on himself, really. He should have known by that point that she hated being treated like the weaker person. She knew that it was a complex, that it was really just her overcompensating. She could remember how weak she'd felt in her original recovery, and she could remember how much she'd hated it. And how ashamed she was of being seen in her therapist's office. And how ashamed she was every time she had to go in to get her methadone. She hated being weak.

The music was pretty damn good- she'd known Jamie was good, but he hadn't known exactly how good he was. It wasn't quite Queen, but she couldn't deny it was good.

The atmosphere just seemed to be getting better and better as the night went on. He was just praying that this would be enough to hide him over for another few days. Just a few more days. The song they were playing was one of his personal favourites to play live, and he threw himself into it, barely glancing at the audience as he did so. However, when he did finally look up, Ellie had returned, minus Nate, and she didn't look happy. Their argument must have been worse than he'd thought. One without the other was a rare sight.

At the end of the song, somebody came onstage and whispered- to the singer. The singer didn't look particularly happy, but he nodded. "Sorry guys, but we've got to go. We've loved playing for you tonight! Our merch table's outside, and we'll be hanging there for a bit, so come say hi! Thank you!" He called. Music started blasting over the speakers as people started to filter out and the roadies came on to start dismantling the equipment.

"Hey, man, you did great!" The singer said, slapping Jamie on the shoulder. "If our keyboardist doesn't come back, fancy filling in permanently? I know you said you're in a band already, but we can work it!" He said enthusiastically. Jamie nodded, grinning. "Definitely!" He replied. "Awesome. Here, give me your number, and I'll get in contact at some point," the singer continued. They swapped numbers, and Jamie learned that the singer's name was Ivan. He headed back towards the others, but was stopped by a group of people, all intent on complimenting him.

If Nate had been there, and if they'd been on better terms, he and Ellie undoubtedly would have shared a grin at Bella's Freudian slip. But he wasn't, and Ellie didn't want to go looking for him. She just shrugged as Bella asked her if she was okay. "Yeah, I'm fine," she said. She'd gotten a little too good at telling that lie, but she didn't want to tell Bella everything that had happened, and then have to explain why it pissed her off so much. It was just better to leave it all unspoken.

"C'mon, let's go find your boyfriend," she said as the band left the stage. Jamie was deep in conversation with the singer, who Ellie recognised from somewhere. Probably a night out. Or she'd hooked up with him at some point. Either way, he was cute. Part of her brain reminded her that flirting with him would probably piss off Nate, and part of her brain was pleased at that idea.

"I'm going out to the merch table," she told Bella, before disappearing into the crowd again.

He grinned as Bella approached. Some of the girls in the group raised their eyebrows at his reaction to her. He laughed at her comment. "Thanks! I forgot how good it feels to be on stage in front of an actual crowd," he remarked. "Dude, you would have thought you did it every night by the way you performed up there," one of the guys remarked. "How long's it been since you played live?"

Jamie had to think about that, glancing at Bella. "God, a few months. The summer was ridiculously quiet when it came to gigs," he said. "Well, fuck me. I thought you were going to say a week or something," the same guy replied. "Anyway, we'll leave you guys alone now. But well done!"

Jamie thanked the group, before turning back to Bella. He noticed the lack of people with her and raised an eyebrow. "Where's Nate and Ellie?" He asked. "And what happened in there? Everything seemed to be happening pretty fast, I barely had time to make sense of one thing before something else happened. Ellie looked mad as hell, anyway, that much I do know," he remarked. Then again, he'd heard that it didn't take much to set her off. At least some of the rumours about her had to be true- he just didn't know which.

It didn't take Ellie long to find the merch table. She didn't even as much as look around for Nate. If he was around, so be it- if not, she didn't care. She worked her way up to the table itself, catching the attention of one of them. Not the singer, but he was just as, if not better looking, so she didn't particularly care. She had a feeling he was the guitarist.

"Hey, you were awesome up there!" She said as she got up to him. He grinned, ruffling his hair a little. "Thanks! Yeah, we felt like it was a good show. There was a great atmosphere off of the crowd, which definitely helps," he said. She nodded, starting to play with her hair. "Well, it's easy to give off good vibes when a bunch of talented people are playing great music," she said, grinning at him. He laughed a little in response. "I'm Ellie," she said, holding out a hand. He took it. "Alex," he replied.

"So, are you going to buy anything? We've still got to earn our gas money to the next gig," he joked. She nodded, looking over the table. "What are your favourite things?" She asked. "Well, of course I've got to offer you our CD. And I actually helped design this sweatshirt!" He said, holding up the sweatshirt. It was definitely her favourite thing of everything she saw, and she grinned. "Oh, wow! You're so talented," she said, forgetting to be flirtatious. But that seemed to work better, and he beamed at her. "Thanks. And can I give you my number as well?" He asked, blurting it out. Ellie nodded in response, holding out her phone.

Jamie rolled his eyes at the story. He wasn't entirely surprised. Ellie and Nate were both hotheads, and they would have to clash over something like that, and they'd both be too goddamn stubborn to back down over it. Still, by Monday, they'd probably be best friends again.

"Yeah, it was insane- in the best way possible," he said, laughing a little. "I really need to do it more often," he said. And now there was a chance that it was going to happen. He was almost hoping that their keyboardist didn't come back, so that he could take his place. He knew that if he was going to be saved, it would be music that saved him. And he knew that he needed it, more badly than he'd ever needed anything.

"So, are we going to stick around here for a little longer? Or are we going to go somewhere else?" he asked, looking around. One of the bigger bands were starting to set up now, and there was a bit of a lull in the atmosphere. The bar was starting to get busy again. He knew it would be worth waiting around for the band, but at the same time, the others might have been sick of it by that point.

"Thanks," she said, grinning at him as she took back her phone. "So, have you got any other gigs coming up? I think I might have to come along and see you again," she said. He shook his head, grimacing a little. "Nope. Things have gone a little quiet now. We were hoping that the band playing tonight might consider having us as support on their upcoming tour, but we haven't had any luck yet," he said. She frowned. "Aw, man, that's a shame. But, if you're not going to have to run off to get to your next show, then maybe we could hang out for a bit?" She asked, grinning. He nodded.

"Definitely sounds good to me. Give me a minute, and then I'm all yours," he said, disappearing to talk to some of the band. He was only a minute before he returned. "Right, so what're we going to do?" he asked. "My friends are inside- let's go meet up with them first. If you want to hang out just me and you, just say the word, and we can go somewhere else. I just don't want to disappear on them!" She said, pulling him back inside to find Jamie and Bella.

"Yeah," he admitted, grinning a little bashfully. "I've seen the next band live before, they're incredible. If you thought the buzz was good when we were on stage, wait until these guys get on. But first," he said, taking her hand and starting to pull her through the crowd, "Let's get another drink." A lot of people at the bar recognised him, but he used that to his advantage, working his way up to the bar itself as he chatted about the show. Yes, he'd gotten lessons as a kid. Yes, they'd been classical lessons. He'd taught himself to play keys for rock music. Yes, really. Yes, he was in a band, but things were a bit weird with it.

Eventually, he escaped and turned to the bartender, shaking his head. "Two vodka and cokes," he ordered, knowing that Bella would drink whatever she was given. She was like him, in that regard. Well, he doubted she'd drink some of the shit he had to buy to be able to afford his drinking habit, but in a club, she'd drink just about anything. He scanned the crowd. "Jesus, that must have been some hell of an argument. I can see Ellie, but she's not with Nate. Did she punch him or something?" he asked, laughing a little as Ellie approached.

It took Ellie a minute to spot Jamie and Bella. It took them several minutes to traverse the dance floor, because Liam kept meeting people, and they kept talking to him about the show, and then the whole cycle would repeat. But Ellie didn't mind. The more time she spent with him, the more she actually wanted to hang out with him- and not just to piss off Nate. He seemed pretty cool. Even if they didn't hook up, just hanging out together seemed like a good idea.

But, she reminded herself, that could result in something serious. That could result in her having to let him in, in him seeing all of her dirty secrets. And even Nate didn't get to know them. If she could have her way, her parents wouldn't either. So this all just had to be a fling, or else purely just to piss Nate off.

She beamed as they reached the others. "Hey guys! This is Alex- well, Jamie, you already know him," she said, laughing a little. "We're probably going to head off after this, by the way, so if I disappear all of a sudden, don't worry," she said.

A week had passed since the gig, and Jamie had majorly crashed. He'd been in school, if only to convince the others that he was fine- but in reality, he was far from it. And now he had a campout to deal with. It had seemed like a great idea at the time, but he was starting to second guess that decision. He was glad that they were going to be sleeping outside, at least, because it was an excuse to sleep in long sleeves and long bottoms. Nobody would think twice about it, which was exactly what he wanted. They probably already had an idea that something was wrong, so he couldn't add more fuel to that fire. They had to think he had just had a few off days, that was all. Not that he wanted to throw himself off of a freaking bridge or something.

He started emptying his stash into a duffel bag. As far as any of the others knew, he'd bought and "borrowed" it for the campout. He totally hadn't been hiding it under his bed for weeks. He'd come close to smashing some of the bottles recently, but thankfully hadn't. Once the duffel bag had a believable amount of alcohol in it- which, to be fair, was the vast majority of his stash- he threw a change of clothes and some essentials into it, before slinging it over his shoulder and heading out.

His mom had agreed to let him have the car for the weekend, and he retrieved the keys to it as he left. He called a brief goodbye before heading out to the car and throwing the bag in and getting in himself. Even as he drove towards their agreed meeting site, the tension in his bones didn't ease at all. He just wanted to go back and get back into bed and sleep. But, he told himself, they would undoubtedly be getting drunk, which was almost as good.

It was weird not being over at Nate's, getting ready before this kind of thing. They had hardly spoken since the previous Friday, and she honestly didn't give a shit. He might have been her best friend and everything, but he was fucking clingy, and she was glad to have a bit of a respite from his bullshit. She was glad that Bella and Jamie were going to be there- they'd hold them back if things went wrong. She'd been tempted to invite Alex, but wasn't sure if that was too much or not. She'd decided against it- but she wasn't beyond texting him to come if Nate was acting like an idiot.

She threw some old clothes into her backpack, as well as a bottle of vodka she'd managed to buy without her parents noticing. As far as they knew, she was just bringing a 12 pack of Coke. She retrieved the said 12 pack from the end of her bed, before scraping her hair into a messy pony tail, pulling on her parka, and headed out. She drove herself to the campsite. It was only thirty minutes away on foot, but she didn't feel like carrying the multipack of Coke all that way. So instead, she just drove, making things much easier for herself. She was the first there, unsurprisingly, so she turned the stereo up full, blasting out My Chemical Romance, put her feet up on the dash and waited for somebody else to arrive.

He lived perhaps the furthest away from the campsite, which gave him plenty of time to compose himself. His speakers were turned up to the full, blasting Of Mice and Men in his face. He allowed the music to distract and relax him as much as possible, trying not to think about what was ahead of him. Part of his brain reminded him that he needed to be careful, that he needed to regulate his drinking so that the others didn't notice. And part of him wanted to get so flat out drunk that he didn't care about the others or what they thought.

As he drove, he took deep breaths, trying to make sure that he'd appear composed when he reached them. Bella had surely picked up on the fact that he wasn't on form- but hopefully she didn't have any idea of how bad it was. And he intended on keeping it that way. Sure, she'd seen him through panic attacks before, but this was difference. This was hard proof of how much a fuck-up he was, and would be the thing that drove her away for once and for all. The guys in the band had been impressed by what he'd shown them- but that wasn't the depths of what he felt. That was the bare surface.

The band. That was a good thing to think about. They'd met up during the week, and they'd briefed Jamie on what was going on. Their keyboardist was taking a break from touring to try and sort out his personal life, so they wanted Jamie to fill in until further notice. And if the keyboardist decided to leave altogether, Jamie was in as a full member. Which was insane- they played bigger crowds than he ever had with Celine, and apparently there was a chance they'd be doing a full UK tour, supporting a pretty big band. It was only as the very first support act, the one that some people didn't even bother being there for- but still, it was something.

The thought of actually being able to play music for a living was insane. It seemed closer than ever now, and Jamie felt so much better as he thought about it.

Before the first track was even over, Ellie noticed another car. It might have been there before she pulled in, or it might have only just pulled in then. She hadn't noticed, if she was honest. It was unfamiliar, but she spotted a familiar female figure in the back of it. She retrieved two cans of coke and got out of the car, heading over to Bella. She climbed into the back of the truck and sat down beside the other girl, holding out the can.

"Hey. Mind if I join you?" She asked, despite the fact that she already had. Ellie just didn't feel like being alone- not if she was going to have to deal with Nate for however long. Her anger and frustration had subsided somewhat, but her pride meant that she wasn't going to back down. And besides, she was still kinda mad at him.

Part of her wanted to ask Bella for some of the joint, but she didn't. She knew that weed was nowhere near the worst of what she'd done in her time, but she still didn't want to go back down that road. A relapse of any kind could set her back in her recovery, and she didn't want that.

"If I go to swing at Nate, you'll hold me back, right?" She said, only half-joking.