OOC World of Gavilla Editing (Open)

[Danny Latiel]

Here it is, the manifestation of my inner Grammar Nazi. Please post in this thread if you wish to have your grammar corrected and I'll set about checking over everyone's writing for technical mistakes. Here's an example:

User: Danny Latiel
Post synopsis: Bae'myr goes on an intoxicated rant

"i is in luvs with a girl i hardly now its because shes pretty. Said bae'myr."

Errors:
Capitalization
Subject Verb Agreement
Misspelling
Run-on sentence
Missing punctuation (Contractions, Period)
Incorrect Punctuation (Period before dialogue tag, misplaced end quote)

Suggested Fix:
"I am in love with a girl I hardly know. It's because she's pretty ," said Bae'myr

[Qetzo]

I guess ill be numero uno then.

[Danny Latiel]

Guys, I'm going to put technical and stylistic fixes here. Technical problems break the rules of English Grammar. Some are ignored for the sake of style, such as fragments and onomatopoeia. Stylistic fixes help improve clarity or reduce redundancy (Changing "He began to embark on proceeding to start on putting forth an effort to getting up" to "He got up.") If you wish, you may ignore the stylistic improvements. They are auxiliary and indicated by italics.



Poster Qetzo
Post Synopsis: Raos confronts the two Atlanteans

"Go back the way we came Darien is waiting there with a barrier...
Error: Technical
Run On
Suggested Fix:
"Go back the way we came . Darien is waiting there with a barrier...

"I am sending her back the way she came Darien...
Error: Technical
Missing punctuation (Soft pause needed)
Suggested Fix:
"I am sending her back the way she came , Darien...

...I do not see the shorter cloaked figure he could still be hiding somewhere." he thought wondering if his thoughts were getting back to Darien. "We are not far just head down the hallway and take your first left and then your second right." he said instructing Darien of where they were.
Errors: Technical/Stylistic
Misplaced punctuation (commas before dialogue tags)
Run on sentence
Suggested Fix:
...I do not see the shorter cloaked figure . He could still be hiding somewhere," he thought , wondering if his thoughts were getting back to Darien. "We are not far. Just head down the hallway and take your first left and your second right," he said as he instructed Darien of where they were.

"Please halfling step aside." the man said.
Error: Technical
Missing Punctuation (soft pause)
Misplaced Punctuation (dialogue tag needs comma)
Suggested Fix:
"Please halfling, step aside, the man said.


"I am afraid i can't do that. Lyra go now." he said is response to the mans request as he stepped forward to meet the man before he got to close.
Errors: Technical/Stylistic
Capitalization
Incorrect Tense
Homophone Confusion
Suggested Fix:
"I am afraid I can't do that. Lyra goes with me, now!" he said (Omitted) as he stepped forward to meet him before he got too close.

"Now we can either solve this civilly like proper men. Or we could fight." Raos said this taking a semi hostile stance.
Error: Technical/Stylistic (It sounds too wordy and awkward)
Use of "either" without second option in the same sentence
Suggested Fix:
"Now we can either solve our problem in a civil manner, like proper men,or we could fight, Raos took a hostile stance

With determination and conviction in his eyes Raos stared down the man waiting for him to make his move.
Error:
Missing Punctuation (Commas for soft pause in linking dependent and independent phrases)
Suggested Fix:
With determination and conviction in his eyes, Raos stared down the man waiting for him to make his move.

[Qetzo]

Oww

"I am afraid i can't do that. Lyra go now." he said is response to the mans request as he stepped forward to meet the man before he got to close.
Errors: Technical/Stylistic
Capitalization
Incorrect Tense
Homophone Confusion
Suggested Fix:
"I am afraid I can't do that. Lyra goes with me, now!" he said (Omitted) as he stepped forward to meet him before he got too close.

actually i could have done this dialog better. With "Lyra go now" part. I was ordering her to leave, not trying to sound like a cave man. With your fix it would imply the opposite of what i want which is to have her leave while i stay and distract her brother.

[Danny Latiel]

Ah, foiled by the soft pause.

Just put the comma between "Lyra" and "go." Putting a "Hurry!" in there wouldn't hurt. Thank you for responding with your own solution to the Raos-Lyra dialogue. I'm not infallible, so don't hesitate to bring up a counter argument.

[Qetzo]

I won't and i agree with all the other changes. I have come far, but it looks like i still need a lot of work. You should have seen when i first started out. Run on sentences and never used a comma.

[Machubi-Uniki]

Yes I remember those.....good....old days.

HA HA! Those were the days he thought I was a good writer.

Sorry I know this is completely random; but i happened to look on this because I had nothing to do sooooooooooo. Well I just had to comment.... XD

[Danny Latiel]

Would you like me to edit your writing?

[Machubi-Uniki]

ooooh. That is an epicly scary thought O.o (knows she probably has a rediculous amount of errors *sweat drop*) Well as much as I would love some help on that I prefer to correct my own mistakes. I may not do it on the actual IC but I swear I do (i write it in a Word Document and that is where I usually am correcting it). I learn better by correcting and finding my own mistakes I always have -is wierd like that-. Though I suppose I should transfer my corrections to the IC....=.=.......

well anyways. Thanks for the offer. Again the only reason I posted anything is because I felt like making a comment on Q's comment....sorry if you didn't want me too....*sweat drop*

[Qetzo]

Thats not weird at all if you notice your own mistakes it prevents you from making them in the future. Sometimes though even when proof reading people miss.

[Danny Latiel]

Indeed. I should thank you; this means less work on my end.

[Danny Latiel]

Poster: Gaiadarkstar
Post Synopsis: Darien and the Crix Group arrive where Hathuel and Raos were about to fight. Lyra is nowhere in sight and Darien goes off to find her. He finds the Atlantean Prince and Voraxum, but no Lyra.

Finally Darien came upon Raos and one of the cloaked figures but Lyra wasn't there...
Errors:
Missing punctuation (comma required before conjunction and introductory elements [Finally])
Suggested Fix:
Finally, Darien came upon Raos and one of the cloaked figures,but Lyra wasn't there...

James looked around, "We must have missed her somehow, these halls can sometimes be confusing. Gaurds detain him," Pointing to Hathuel.
Error: Technical/Stylistic
Comma Splice
Recommended Dialogue tag
Recommended Sentence Restructuring
Misspelling
Suggested Fix:
James looked around . "We must have missed her somehow ; these halls can sometimes be confusing," he said. Then, he pointed at Hathuel. "Guards, detain him."

...and shackles in their other hands to try and capture the man. "I suggest coming quietly now or we will have to to this the hard way."
Errors:Technical/Stylistic
Wrong Word
Dialogue Confusion (Who said that?)
Suggested Fix:
"I suggest coming quietly...to do this the hard way," threatened one of the guards/James/Darien


Jacky had barely been able to keep up, she was still having trouble clearing her mind but it was getting better and she had to wonder if it might have been because of the other cloaked figure but she didn't know. She looked on wondering if this one would try to fight his way out.
Error: Technical/Stylistic
Run On
Passive tense Overuse (It's better to use action verbs than being verbs. More exciting.)
Cluttered Sentence
Suggested Fix:
Jacky had barely been able to keep up. She still had trouble clearing her mind, but she felt better. She wondered if the other cloaked figure fogged her mind, yet she couldn't be sure. She looked at the hooded man and wondered if he would fight his way out.

Darien looked around, "I am sorry, I don't know if you need my help but I need to try and find Lyra."
Error:Technical
Run On
(If you have two independent clauses with a subject, verb, and complete thought, then separate them using a semi colon, period, or a conjunction-comma pair [I ran , but he caught me])
"I am sorry . I...help , but I need to try and find Lyra."

Without waiting..., he ran off down another hallway letting his sense of smell guide him but for some reason he couldn't smell Lyra anymore but he did smell her trail and followed that as fast as he could, coming out to see the assasine and the other cloaked figure and no Lyra again.
Error:Technical
Run On
Incorrect Listing (and can only be used once in a list unless used for stylistic effect)
Unmarked modifying phrase (But for some reason)
Misspelling
Suggested Fix:
Without waiting..., he ran off down another hallway letting his sense of smell guide him .But for some reason , he couldn't smell Lyra anymore . He did smell her trail and followed that as fast as he could, coming out to see the assassin and the other cloaked figure,but still no Lyra

[Voraxum Keld]

Lol its like I'm in English class all over. I think my writing has gotten better though.

[Danny Latiel]

Poster: Qetzo
Post Synopsis: Continued face off between Raos and Hathuel drawing to conclusion

“Do you .. change that fact.” he asked drawing his own weapon.
“Yuri you can best help me by helping Darien find Lyra. Please.” he said in response to Yuri's offer
Error: Technical
Incorrect Punctuation
(Commas, exclamation marks, and question marks are the only things that can end a quotation in front of a dialogue tag:
Ex. "Una mela al giorno toglie il medico di torno," said Lazzaro.
Comma after "torno" and before the end quotation mark)
Suggested Fix:
"Do you...change the fact,: he asked drawing his own weapon.
"Yuri, you can...Lyra, he said in response to Yuri's offer. "Please."


As they stared each other down Darien and company came rushing down the hall behind him.
Before Raos could express an opinion about this Darien went off to find her
Bae however soon interrupted offering cookies to both Raos and the Atlantean. “Now is not the best time for snacks drow.”
Error: Technical
Necessary Punctuation (comma required after modifying phrase "As they...down and before addressing someone directly)
Ex. "It will take more than an apple to keep me away, amico." Comma before "amico" because someone is being addressed as "amico."
Suggested fix:
As they stared each other down, Darien...
Before Raos...about this, Darien went...
Bae, however , soon interuppted , offering..."Now...snacks[,] drow."


The guards surrounded him, but even out numbered as he was the man was an Atlantean and if he was anything like his sister, he was a powerful one. The drow however attempted to solve the problem by binding him with magic. This however prevent the man from surrendering willingly, a move that could easily backfire if the man can overpower the drow's magic.

(Can't finish editing your other post and I'll try getting back to this, but this is how I would fix the repeated "However" structure in your paragraph.)

The guards surrounded him, but even outnumbered as he was, the man was an Atlantean and if he was anything like his sister, a powerful one at that. The drow attempted to solve the problem by binding him with magic. (I removed however. It's unnecessary and repetitive) However, this would backfire should the man over power the drow's magic.

Sorry for the subpar edit. My elg'caress of a mother thinks it wise to nap at 10 o'clock.

[Voraxum Keld]

Ok, even though you did the spark with your hand you do realize i can kill you cause you made no move to challenge my blade at your throat. Just saying, so yea im going to think it over. Let me know if this is going to affect the rp, cause if it isnt my character is going to kill your prince.

[Sirk]

Hello don't forgget about me :(
and to Machubi-uniki sword handles are often made out of wood becuase its easier to decorate and make but still some were made of metal depends on what weapon it is so the spark may not be that effective unless there wearing armor then there gonna get hurt anyways.

[Qetzo]

Sirk you're about half way between were we started and where Raos and Hathuel is right? But your passed out so a quick shake on our way back with Hathuel. Courtesy of either me with Raos or gaia with Jacky. Just have to wait till gaia posts about taking Hathuel away.

Btw guy wrong ooc

[Machubi-Uniki]

Woah. Like I went to respond but I couldn't find you guys haha! Well I did now so let me say this.

@ Voraxum: GYAH! I completely forgot about your blade.....(I wrote that like past midnight and was rediculously tired [in otherwords I only remebered that someone was holding a blade...]) If you don't mind I will go back and make a small edit to fight of the blade.... :/ I'm soooooooo sorry! *tears up* -hits head against wall-

One more thing.....I wouldn't kill the prince.....just because that would start a war with Atlantis....not that you would care. Also in order to release Lyra you need to know how....and at this moment I think only the prince and Hathuel could.......unless that is Darien knew.....=.=

Well anyways: I can go back and edit it a little to have him push away the blade or something. I don't mind as long as you don't mind. I seriously am sorry for the inconvenience.... I promise to never write anything past the time of midnight due to me stupidity caused by exhaustion.

[Danny Latiel]

Poster Gaiadarkstar
Plot synopsis: Darien faces off with the Prince


Darien ... followed the assasines direction... the man maid sense.
Error: Technical
Possesive Punctuation
Homonym confusion
Spelling
Suggested Fix
Darien...followed the assassin's direction...the manmade sense.

Not knowing where Lyra was, was obviously a lie.
Error: Stylistic
Awkward wording (It's not nice to say a word twice, even with comma breaks)
Suggested Fix:
Obviously, the Atlantean was lying.

He readied his sword ready to jump in or throw a spell depending on what the man did.
Error: Stylistic
Redundancy (Readying a sword makes it ready and "situation" covers the phrase nicely
Suggested Fix:
He readied his sword so he could jump in or throw a spell depending on the situation

[Danny Latiel]

Poster: Gaiadarkstar
Plot Synopsis: Darien recognizes Agbais

"I never thought I would say this but I agree with the assasin.
Error: Technical
Missing Punctuation (Comma before conjunctions "but, and, yet")
Spelling
Suggested Fix:
"I...this, but...the assassin

I am not a citisen of this city I was born in Atlantis myself, so I know who you are. I think we even met once at a ball Prince Agbais."
Error: Technical
Incorrect Spelling
Run-On
Direct Address
Suggested Fix:
I am not a citizen of this city ; I was born...at a ball , Prince Agbais."


He had not liked the man, being pompous and self important and easy to take offense which was probably what had happened with Lyra.
Error: Technical/Stylistic
Phrase Substitution Recommended
Suggested Fix:
He had not liked the man, being pompous, narcissistic, and pugnacious. Perhaps Lyra incurred his wrath

But, he knew the Prince's reputation and it was that he was amazing with his powers and fighting but he wasn't willing to just give up.
Error: Stylistic
Awkward wording
Suggested fix:
But, he knew the Prince's reputation: a talented magic user and skillful, obstinate fighter.

He moved fast, almost as fast as the assasine had and ended up behind and slightly to the Prince's right, his sword aimed at the guy's back.
Error: Technical
Misspelling
ASSASSIN IS SPELLED WITH FOUR S'S AND NO E
Suggested Fix:
He moved...assassin had...


"Also don't think that I care if you are royalty despite where I was born I don't give a crap for self centered pricks like yourself.
Error: Technical
Run On
Missing Punctuation on Sentence Modifier
Suggested Fix:
"Also, don't...born . I...yourself.

On a side note: You used a curse word there. May we use cursing for emphasis, keeping it light enough so it doesn't lose its effect?