In need of some help.

[Kirinak]

I'm hoping I'm in the right spot for this post, I"m planning on starting a new book soon and i have a question because i have to revise my other novels in this aspect whenever i do decide to take my manuscripts to print. I seem to have trouble writing fight and action scenes i can see whats happening in my head but whenever i have some one else read my work they don't see the scene as i do. I would just like a few pointers if possible. I'll post an excerpt from one of my novels that several of my characters are based off of for reference.



‘Damnable aliens’ thought First Sergeant Blade as he crushed the skull of the insect like creature under his iron shod boot. ‘Every Gods-damned planet they invade is ruined beyond livability’ he continued in his mind.he swiftly unloaded the lethal cargo of depleted uranium shells contained within his ancestral revolvers into a throng of aliens attacking the remains of 3rd squad. He snorted out a laugh as he thought back to a film reel in the archives from old earth, “Unlimited technology and resources, and I’d trade it all in, for a lousy, can of RAID!” he said into the com-link inside his helmet, drawing laughter from the men under his command.

“Hey top,” said J.J., Blade’s second in command, “second platoon is gettin’ hammered hard, we need some support over here.”

“Roger that, support is inbound,” replied Gabriel, striding forward and releasing more radioactive shells from one of his revolvers. He reached, with the heavy sword that never left his side, to relieve an assailant of a limb. Suddenly he stopped, his efforts to continue on to the platoon in need of support was rewarded with an explosive pain in his torso. Looking down he saw a gigantic barb protruding from his armored belly. Without warning it was violently ripped away, creating a crimson haze. Gasping for air he turned to face his murderer, but before he could finish his movement his visor was filled with teeth and his mind with darkness.


I don't really know where i'm going wrong so i hope you guys can help. Thanks!

[CortexiphanGirl]

Well, since I'm not sure what you're seeing in your head -- I'll tell you what I saw when reading that! Then if it's different from what you want to portray you can say how. Maybe that'll work!

I see a well armored Sergeant, most likely covered in insect goobers, stomping the life out of an injured insect. I get a little hazy when it reads, 'He swiftly unloaded the lethal cargo of depleted uranium shells contained within his ancestral revolvers into a throng of aliens attacking the remains of 3rd squad.' At first I get the vision of him emptying ammo shells, because it says 'depleted' and the first thing my mind thinks of is 'used up'. But when I continue to read, I get the feeling that he's dual-wielding revolvers and shooting at aliens which are attacking another squadron of men, and presumably the aliens are winning or for some reason 3rd squad isn't whole. I see him shooting some more rounds from a revolver - and by this point I'm assuming it's not the kind of revolver we know now, because of the amount of rounds it can fire off without the need to be reloaded. So I'm picturing a supped up machine-gun/revolver type thing. Next, I see him reaching for his sword, but getting impaled by a nasty... either sharp spear-type weapon or a scorpion-type tail. And then it gets ripped back out, creating a gruesome sound, no doubt. Turning around, his view is filled with a nasty set of chompers and presumably he is consumed!

Let's see how that compares with what you're wanting to portray.
Also, this is just my interpretation of what happend. It may or may not be anything like anyone else who reads this!
Best of luck,
Lilaiy

[Kirinak]

That's very close to what i see. i never actually liked that sentence that you pointed out but i never could figure out how to repair it and still convey my point. his revolvers are equipped with a sensitized automatic reload system (SARS) that he designed in his earlier years, which is covered later in the book. It consists of a motorized armature that auto generates shells using an arcane mix of magicks and tech. it opens the cylinder and absorbs the empty casings and then generates fresh shells loads them up. the context of depleted is actually referring to the payload of the shells which is minorly radio active depleted uranium made from spent nuclear fuel rods.
How about this for a repair to the sentence.

"He turned from his last victim to see Third squad being decimated. His revolvers barked and roared, delivering swift radioactive death to the harriers of his men. He fired so quickly that his weapon's reloading system could barely keep the hungry cylinders fed."

Does that work better?

[CortexiphanGirl]

Gah! I love that. The imagery is far more intense, for me, in that sentence. I can almost feel the heat as the guns consume the ammo!

Love it!

[Kirinak]

Huzzah! now i just need to do a sample of a melee battle because thats where i really have issues. Gunplay is rather easy to write but as a semi practiced swordsman it is difficult for me to convey the moves that i am familiar with into words as well as the more fantastical aspects of geno/magick enhanced combat.

[CortexiphanGirl]

Can't wait! As someone who is not familiar with melee battles at all, I'd love to become the devil's advocate :P

[Kirinak]

Blades rang and sparks flew as the energy charged blade of the training droid's power axe met with Gabriel's psychically charged nexus broadsword. Bearing his titanium fangs Gabriel shoved the automaton back and lashed out with a lightning quick series of blows. The droid parried and countered, attempting to strike inside the warriors guard. Gabriel feinted left and swung low with his blade attempting to take out the Droid's legs. the droids logic engine processed his actions at lightning speed and lashed out with an adamantium knee. Blood flowed freely from Gabriel's broken nose as the force of the blow threw him backward and into the air. He quickly recovered and twisted artfully to land in his feet in a low guard. The inertia of the fall was spent as he landed and his boots dug in cracking and splintering the deck plating. The droid made a mocking dervish with its axe and stood ready for the next exchange. Gabriel touched his upper lip and brought away blood on his finger tips. With a savage grin he licked the blood away and growled. Without ceremony or warning he rushed forward at a dead sprint. His sword traced a glittering path through the air as his genetically enhanced muscles propelled him forward at blinding speed. He lashed his body from side to side moving toward the droid in random path to confuse its sensoria. Suddenly he was there striking and slashing with savage fury that the machine was powerless to withstand. With one last flourish of the glittering blade he flicked away the mechanical viscera and sheathed his blade. As he turned away the immobile droid sparked and flashed, then simply disintegrated....


this part comes much later in the book and was slightly improvised as i haven't typed my manusripts and i don't have them readily available at this time. but it gives a general idea of my melee writing style.

[ViceVersus]

Woo! Okay, so hey! Sato here. Just droppin' by my own forum, like.

Anyways, writing cohesive action sequences is always a difficult thing to manage. You need to become less of a writer, and more of a director. Your words have to sweep the readers' attentions from one blade, to another bullet, all while keeping the language concrete, intense, and preferably your images vivid!

Building with that flow? Watch your narrative text, too, even when you're not in full-on combat mode yet. Check this out.

‘Damnable aliens’ thought First Sergeant Blade as he crushed the skull of the insect like creature under his iron shod boot. ‘Every Gods-damned planet they invade is ruined beyond livability’ he continued in his mind.

If we know that your protagonist is thinking, you don't need to attach a tag to the end letting us know that he's continuing this dialogue in his head. It's a bit redundant, and redundancy will slow down the fast-paced clip of the passage like .. like something very slow. I can't think of a good metaphor right now. Oh! Like my brain on a Saturday morning, haha!

You have a strong image with the crushing here, as well. Why distract us with the dialogue? One thing I notice a lot in my writing these days is that I'm splicing action around a dialogue.

"I'll start a sentence," Sato sighed wistfully, "but then not end it 'till later. Sometimes this is a method that works, but other times the flow is broken -- especially if I were saying or doing something of importance to the story. And when you're righting a tight-knit fight sequences, the last thing you want to do is break flow unless you're doing so for effect."

Skipping way ahead to your last post here --

Blades rang and sparks flew as the energy charged blade of the training droid's power axe met with Gabriel's psychically charged nexus broadsword. Bearing his titanium fangs Gabriel shoved the automaton back and lashed out with a lightning quick series of blows. The droid parried and countered, attempting to strike inside the warriors guard. Gabriel feinted left and swung low with his blade attempting to take out the Droid's legs.

Good stuff! Always play up the sound effects and the visual aspect. There's a sharp, distinct CLANG that metal makes when it's struck. There's a cutting, sharp staccato to bullets as they rip through the air into armor. There's a much less harsh sound when it cuts into flesh. Play up the audio side. Close your eyes and paint the picture with harsh, angry markers of red and black.

Well, that's about all I think I'm allowed to say before I pass it over to the mentors.

Thanks for reading!