A World's End

[eextreme]

The current problem seems that the purpose of the trial is too simple. Survive. In addition to it everyone is mentioning the presence of necessities everywhere like bananas and food. Also the fact that no one wants to have a conflict with the other players. Restricting plot lines to making fire (currently) and gathering food. Unless the necessities become harder to gather, I doubt there is going to be any action.

In order to reveal to the players the purpose of the trial, we could get a group of experienced NPC to attack players at random, and during the fight. The NPCs will tell them the purpose of trial. Nonetheless, how fast the purpose is revealed is up to Asperser. I could already think of interesting ways to reveal that a person respawns after death XD.

[Asperser]

The current problem seems that the purpose of the trial is too simple. Survive. In addition to it everyone is mentioning the presence of necessities everywhere like bananas and food. Also the fact that no one wants to have a conflict with the other players. Restricting plot lines to making fire (currently) and gathering food. Unless the necessities become harder to gather, I doubt there is going to be any action.

I'll address this in my next post, but honestly I didn't expect everyone to automatically have resources despite me saying it was scarce. I might have been assuming a bit too much on the part of the players to take it to account, but I think a lot of it has to do with a few things I'll mention below.

Effort
I'm not sure how many people realize how much effort they put into their post matters. I can tell there is a sizable and grammatical difference between now and the beginning of the RP. Especially in terms of sloppy grammar and punctuation. I don't want to point anyone out, but take time to proof read what you write. I don't really want to kick anyone out, but stuff like this is killing my interest in the RP, not to mention make it incredible mundane. If I didn't already have a incredibly clear and exciting idea for the story I'd have quit because of some of the real obvious grammatical mistakes that make it hard to read sometimes. A good practice to follow is the read what you wrote out loud, slowly. If there a funny pause, a weird word, you'll typically catch it right away.

Meaning
I said it before, but each post should build up your character in one way or another. If you're building a fire, take time to explain some of your character's history, maybe they have a fond memory alongside the fire, or fire represents something special to them. Little things like this add depth to an otherwise shallow post.

Mary-Sue
I fell into this habit when I started RPing, but honestly nothing goes perfectly with your characters. A lot of us seem to be assuming a skill level that is really not that typical of an average person. Can anyone imagine yourself hitting or striking a coconut or a row of coconuts right now with a ranged weapon? Probably not. You'd miss a few times, but you'd eventually hit it is more likely. It's little things like this that make it more worthwhile to read. I mean anyone can write about a perfect character, but the good stories don't have perfect characters. They have believable ones.

Also, this applies to the situations. If you are thirsty is it magically going to start raining so you can drink? If it is pitch black, are you really going to be able to see anything at all? Probably not. Same with the cold, you shouldn't create a situation where it doesn't affect you. You should adapt to the situation using what's around you. That's what stories are around, conflict, how do you solve it. Not that it automatically solves itself because of circumstances.

Story-Telling
Hm, the best advice I can give in this department is to imagine yourself as your character. Write in the first person, as Vyral(My Mentor) told me, and describe the world as you'd see it through your character's eyes. You can change it later to third-person, but this is something that I think will help a lot of people.

Also, show don't explain. If your character is bad at baseball don't have him say "I'm bad at baseball." Write about him missing every time he swings the bat. If something has been said already, there is no need to say it again. It's assumed your character already knows. Little things like this make it flow much easier from one poster to another. I mean if someone's reading they don't need to be told five times that its dark. I'm sure they got that idea the first post around.

Conflict
A great way to generate conflict is to create NPCs. A lot of interesting things can happen, a dialogue, you get angry, argue, fight, plot behind other's backs, hidden motives. Conflict can come in a environmental disaster, maybe you ate something and you get sick what do you do? In essence, make life hard for your character. It makes it more interesting, exciting, than if bad things only happened once in a blue moon(aka only me giving u trouble). Things like this really bring characters to life and make them memorable.

Take Home Message
Now, these are things everyone can reflect and do better, if you haven't already been doing it. We can make a great story, but great stories depend on the people who write them and this is something I want to write with people where we can give each other feedback and develop it in a direction that would have been much more interesting than if I wrote it alone. God, that sounds so corny, I don't even know why my words come out like this. I'm must be in my RP writing mode.

And the whole changing the post type...I am a newb to this site, so I don't know how to do it, but as long as it doesnt mess with my ability to RP I am for it. So there are people other than our characters here? And they do know a bit more? Maybe a little format shoul.d be thought of for making the npcs nothing major, but just enough so we aren't takking too much liberty with the story. I know you wanted help, but sometimes, without enough structure, it is just going to get out of hand.

When it comes to the liberty of making NPCs I'll set a few ground rules to help everyone out.
- NPC 1-99 are off limits
- NPCs are only as strong as the characters(aka they only have one [level 1] ability and 1 [level 1] weapon)
- Most of the NPCs don't know much about the island and live on a day to day basis doing whatever they can to survive. Some assume that its one big dream, others think from the stories that its a test to become god, really no one knows exactly why they are here. They do, however, know the quirks about the darkness, an idea of what the numbers represent, and that there are only a few ways you can die permanently.

In order to reveal to the players the purpose of the trial, we could get a group of experienced NPC to attack players at random, and during the fight. The NPCs will tell them the purpose of trial.

I wonder if you'd be willing to put an eskimo looking person with a harpoon in the group of experienced NPCs. He's been coming up in my mind as a leader of one of the groups several times in my head already.

Also, unless anyone has objections I'll be moving this to a play by play thread tomorrow instead of using the tabs function. I'll give you guys a link to it when it's made.

[RubyCrown]

A post by post format would be a lot easier to navigate for sure. And the character sounds interesting.

Do you have any feedback on how I've been writing so far? RPing is still pretty new for me and I'd appreciate any advice you guys can give. :]

[Asperser]

Do you have any feedback on how I've been writing so far? RPing is still pretty new for me and I'd appreciate any advice you guys can give. :]

Feedback, feedback, well...taking the things above I mentioned its a good habit to do is to show rather than explain. For example, in you're recent post

"Argh!" If you had been able to see through the darkness, you would have seen a very frustrated Danielle. The lack of light coupled with the fact that her survival class had been two years ago meant that it was very hard for her to start a fire.

Could have been better written as something like this

I tried to start the fire using the string of Masi's bow, but soon realized that it was impossible to see one hand in front of the other. The dim light radiating from my tattoo lit a small portion of the bow, and I struggled to tilt my arm in a way that would let me see where the foliage lay. Was I suppose to pull or tug on the string? I thought to myself, trying to remember the skills I learned over a year ago. I managed to tie the string to the stick and like magic the twisting motion of my hands caused a small spark to burn brightly on the fallen leaves. "Whoot!" I shouted, triumphantly. One less thing to worry about.

As you can see, its a big difference whether you explain it or show it.

If you prefer third-person you can change it again like this

Danielle tried to start the fire using the string of Masi's bow, but soon realized that it was impossible to see one hand in front of the other. The dim light radiating from her tattoo lit a small portion of the bow, and she struggled to tilt her arm in a way that would let her see where the foliage lay. Was I suppose to pull or tug on the string? Danielle thought to herself, trying to remember the skills she learned over a year ago. She managed to tie the string to the stick and like magic the twisting motion of her hands caused a small spark to burn brightly on the fallen leaves. "Whoot!" She shouted, triumphantly. One less thing to worry about.

[zewei]

holy wow, asperser, i suddenly feel your mentor-awesomeness.

that being said, YES bring back the old style forum posts! :D

-coughs-

Anyway i would like some feedback as well, i hope i'm not slacking to terribly. ((here in ooc or pms is good))
Well, time to reply to ruby's post.

[RubyCrown]

>.< I think it will take a lot more than a couple of weeks before I can write at that level. With that said, thank you for the feedback. It's nice to see where I need to improve. This is way more fun than the 'creative writing' assignments we do at school. -.- They don't even help.

Yes, she totally used her super secret ninja skillz to start that fire. Not because I can't describe things well or do research. No way. -shifty eyes- 'Cuz I'm awesome like that. I'll reply tomorrow zewei, because I take too long to write up posts and I need to finish homework. Sorry!

I also don't like the fact that I keep posting in the wrong place. D<

[Kallas Redwater]

Meaning
I said it before, but each post should build up your character in one way or another. If you're building a fire, take time to explain some of your character's history, maybe they have a fond memory alongside the fire, or fire represents something special to them. Little things like this add depth to an otherwise shallow post.

You mean like I did with the lighting in the underground room? Or is it something else?

The blue-ish glowing tatoo's and the small flame that danced on the candle gave the entire room something that reminded Warren about the church that he once visited, he relived the entire situation: A large group of poeple were waiting outside of the church doors, just silently waiting for the huge doors to open. The door opened and the mass of poeple swarmed into the church, the massive glass in lead windows cast light into the entire church. Then just before the the priest made his way to the plateau in front the huge bells in the clock tower played their harmonious music.

[Asperser]

Glad I could help Ruby. Just keep what I said in mind and I think you'll be up to that level in no time with enough practice.

*Cracks knuckles* Okay, here we go Zewei, lets see what your newest post says.

Masi was astounded as he heard her shout her triumph in the dark sky. Night has fallen quickly, and as he opened his eyes to look upon the girl, he was shocked to see embers on the dry grass. it was then did he noticed her tattoo glow, or more particularly, how strong the glow was. His worried thoughts quickly went to his own tattoo, spotting that while they glowed, it was a faint blue, that only served to illuminate the number on his arm, and nothing much. It would be easy to hide, Masi thought to himself with a smile and turned back to the girl.

Now, a lot of the time I feel your posts are really choppy. And this is because of awkward wording and a slew of grammatical errors. Let's start with the first sentence.

Masi was astounded as he heard her shout her triumph in the dark sky.

The first thing you'll notice that's weird about the first sentence is this "he heard her shout her triumph". Triumph is either a noun or a verb, in both cases this sentence just doesn't make any sense as Triumph isn't a sound. What Masi's hearing is not her triumph but her excitement, joy, cheerful voice. He doesn't know why she's celebrating and that's why he turns to find out what's going on. Also, "astounded" is a awkward word to be describing what Masi is feeling. You aren't astounded by something you haven't seen or have no knowledge about. Surprised is a better choice.

Rewritten it should be something like this,

I was surprised to hear Danielle cheerful voice in the middle of the night. It was cold and I could hardly see past my nose. Why was she so happy?

Again, in third person.

Masi was surprised to hear Danielle's cheerful voice in the middle of the night. It was cold and he could hardly see past his nose. Why was she so happy?

Okay, next sentence.

Night has fallen quickly, and as he opened his eyes to look upon the girl, he was shocked to see embers on the dry grass.

This is a case of repetition. Since it's already been established by several people you don't need to comment about how rapid the night it came. Also, it's a bit weird that you'd describe his eyes opening as it makes it seem like he was sleeping beforehand when he wasn't. I think you were trying to get at a shocked expression, in which case "wide or widening" is what you should use in this case.

Rewritten,

As I turned around, I saw a small flame flickering between Danielle's hands and my eyes grew wide. How did she do that?

Again in third person

As he turned around he saw a small flame flickering between Danielle's hands and his eyes grew wide. How did she do that?

Third sentence.

it was then did he noticed her tattoo glow, or more particularly, how strong the glow was.

While this is a okay sentence, it leaves the question of "Why did Masi notice the tattoos glow now more than before?" simply answering this question adds extra depth and an overall complete thought to the statement.

Rewritten,

My surprise, however, quickly turned into worry. It was then, against the small flame, that I realized how easy it was to spot her glowing number in the dark.

Again, third person.

His surprise, however, quickly turned into worry. It was then, against the small flame, that he realized how easy it was to spot her glowing number in the dark.

Fourth Sentence.

His worried thoughts quickly went to his own tattoo, spotting that while they glowed, it was a faint blue, that only served to illuminate the number on his arm, and nothing much.

Sentence number four was a comma disaster to put it mildly. In particular,

it was a faint blue, that only served to illuminate the number on his arm, and nothing much.

Though the reader can assume when you say "that only served to illuminate" you're talking about the tattoo. What they read is the phrase right before that which is "a faint blue". Which makes no sense. "a faint blue that only served to illuminate". You can see why the comma there is strange, it doesn't properly connect the two ideas. You should just get straight to the point you're making which is that Masi's tattoo isn't that bright.

Rewritten,

I turned to look at the number on my arm and was relieved to see a faint blue light.

Third person,

Masi turned to look at the number on his arm and was relieved to see a faint blue light.

Last sentence.

It would be easy to hide, Masi thought to himself with a smile and turned back to the girl.

Another show rather than explain.

Rewritten,

Searching the moist ground beneath me, I grabbed some dirt and smeared it over my number. I couldn't risk something coming after me in the night when I was half asleep. After I finished my preparations, I turned back to Danielle and saw her roasting a fruit by the fire. The fact that she didn't realize the dangers her number put her in brought a smile to my face. If something did come after us in the night she'd be the first one to die.

Third person.

Searching the moist ground beneath him, Masi grabbed some dirt and smeared it over his number. He couldn't risk something coming after him in the night when he was half asleep. After he finished his preparations, Masi turned back to Danielle and saw her roasting a fruit by the fire. The fact that she didn't realize the dangers her number put her in brought a smile to his face. If something did come after them in the night she'd be the first one to die.

Before

Masi was astounded as he heard her shout her triumph in the dark sky. Night has fallen quickly, and as he opened his eyes to look upon the girl, he was shocked to see embers on the dry grass. it was then did he noticed her tattoo glow, or more particularly, how strong the glow was. His worried thoughts quickly went to his own tattoo, spotting that while they glowed, it was a faint blue, that only served to illuminate the number on his arm, and nothing much. It would be easy to hide, Masi thought to himself with a smile and turned back to the girl.

After
First Person

I was surprised to hear Danielle's cheerful voice in the middle of the night. It was cold and I could hardly see past my nose. Why was she so happy? As I turned around I saw a small flame flickering between Danielle's hands and my eyes grew wide. How did she do that? My surprise, however, quickly turned into worry. It was then, against the small flame, that I realized how easy it was to spot her glowing number in the dark. I turned to look at the number on my arm and was relieved to see a faint blue light. It wouldn't be that hard to hide. Searching the moist ground beneath me, I grabbed a some dirt and smeared it over my number. I couldn't risk something coming after me in the night when I was half asleep. After I finished my preparations, I turned back to Danielle and saw her roasting a fruit by the fire. The fact that she didn't realize the dangers her number put her in brought a smile to my face. If something did come after us in the night she'd be the first one to die.

Third Person

Masi was surprised to hear Danielle's cheerful voice in the middle of the night. It was cold and he could hardly see past his nose. Why was she so happy? As he turned around he saw a small flame flickering between Danielle's hands and his eyes grew wide. How did she do that? His surprise, however, quickly turned into worry. It was then, against the small flame, that he realized how easy it was to spot her glowing number in the dark. He turned to look at the number on his arm and was relieved to see a faint blue light. It wouldn't be that hard to hide. Searching the moist ground beneath him, Masi grabbed a some dirt and smeared it over his number. He couldn't risk something coming after him in the night when he was half asleep. After he finished his preparations, Masi turned back to Danielle and saw her roasting a fruit by the fire. The fact that she didn't realize the dangers her number put her in brought a smile to his face. If something did come after them in the night she'd be the first one to die.

Much, much, much better. You can almost feel the evilness spewing forth from your character, haha, well you get the picture. Show don't explain and put yourself in your character's mind.

[Asperser]

You mean like I did with the lighting in the underground room? Or is it something else?

Somewhat, but your post could use a bit of work too. Just not as much as others. Mostly transitional sentences and the same old show rather than explain bit that everyone, including me, suffers from every now and then. More proofreading usually fixes that.

I'm sleeepy, it's 2:00am, good night everyone.

[Kallas Redwater]

To be honest I am a bit unsure of my writing as well, could you give me a hand on it as well?( I'm pretty sure that I am going to be confronted with loads of spelling mistakes)

[zewei]

.... Sometimes i takes another to point out flaws. I apologize for my posts. Also realized my sucky grammar. And of course, thanks for the feedback.
1) i never did realize triumph can't be used in that way. But no, i'm using astounded, as in great shock for his part.
2) depth on glow... nods
3) Stupid commas... T_T i always tend to overuse them.
4) He didn't hide it yet :P Just noted that he could.
5) Masi had no internal monologue on seeing the girl's glow.

Reworked post and done. Thanks for the input. very much appreciated.

[Kallas Redwater]

Well, at least you are using comma's. My first posts in RP were lacking on punctuation, and because of that almost unreadable.

[TheCharismaticCryo]

I, of course, want Faustus to meet others, but really? I can't just make a character like his go "Oh I am gonna go against everything I am to wander out in the darkness and make some friend!" He is more likely to jump someone in this darkness then be polite and announce himself.

[Asperser]

You're welcome Zewei. I read the change in your post and it still could use a lot of work. A lot of the same problems I pointed out earlier showed up again. I'd recommend getting yourself a mentor by posting a "Looking for Mentor" topic in the Roleplaying Academy. You're probably going to need one-on-one advice from people who have better grammar than me and can explain the concepts more clearly.

I'll look at your post a bit later Kallas after I have more free time. Though like Zewei, I highly recommend getting a mentor if you don't have one already, even I have one. It helps a lot, trust me.

[Asperser]

Okay, so, I got this, how I'm going to manage the RP that is. Bear with my mood swings, as I tend to get them, and when I doI tend to over complicate things. I have to remember the original reason I made this was to have fun, not try to win a nobel peace prize for writing. Everything should flow smoothly now, but if anyone should fall behind grammatically I'm requiring you to have a mentor so I know that you'll improve over the course of the RP. Zewei I'm looking at you, lol, but yeah lets do this. Crazy shit is going to happen now.

Edit: Totally forgot the IC thread link

A World's End [Open]

[eextreme]

Well so much for my anticlimax XD. I m near Danelle by the way (trying very hard to leave without getting noticed). I'll help if a battle occurs though.

[zewei]

................ Hai asperser-san (add sigh here)

Eextreme, not my intention to ignore your posts.... but with 0 conversation, it's highy unlikely that Masi will wake.
Anyway time to work on my posting.

@asperser, is he wearing a helmet, anything protecting his head?

[Asperser]

@Zewei, yes, ??? is wearing a helmet. You can think of him a fully armored medieval knight.

[eextreme]

................ Hai asperser-san (add sigh here)

Eextreme, not my intention to ignore your posts.... but with 0 conversation, it's highy unlikely that Masi will wake.
Anyway time to work on my posting.

@asperser, is he wearing a helmet, anything protecting his head?

no problem that post was for some comic relief XD. I'll be lending a hand since I'm nearby, only if someone notices me walking casually away from the fire.

[Fisk]

I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry

I hope that's enough apologies without making me look like I'm spamming... My place in this roleplay has just suddenly disappeared. I'm so incredibly lost right now, and I'm mad at myself because I didn't take the opportunity to post when I could have squeezed it in. Avoiding repeating what has already been said, I need to get an honest opinion... Since I'm so far behind, I need to know if I should still partake in this or not. If not, then I'm more than willing to leave for the betterment of the roleplay.