"Flipping Through the Fairy Tales"

This was a poem I wrote when I was with my ex. Needless to say, I had quite enough of his crap and thus this charming little poem was born. =)

I’m flipping though the fairy tales
And every nursery rhyme
To see if our story will be
Just “Once upon a time..”

And while we’re at it, dear
Though you are quite the charmer
I feel as if I am indeed
The knight in shining armor.

For I slay all the monsters
That writhe into your head
I try to tidy all the messes
And then adorn your bed

Maybe I’m mistaken,
But when does a princess battle all
While his highness is tucked away at home
So he wont have to brawl?

Perhaps I’m asking way too much
When I ask this favor of thee,
Could you ever drive an hour
To grace my company?

If not, then why am I fighting
Tooth and nail to be with you
Love should be an easy thing
That’s even between us two

I sigh and close the bindings
I’m done with make-believe
For I’m sure these sunny stories
Were written to deceive

For princes are just pansies
And knights simply kick back
I’m better off an Amazon
For all I do is attack.

There’s one last hope I cling to
Perhaps I’m just pretending,
But they say the hero is the one
Who gets the happy ending.

Oh my bhudda! That was awesome! I really liked it ♥

I liked how you put yourself into a fantasy world, instead of saying how it REALLY happened. It was very colorful, and full of descriptions. I definitely have a mental picture of it It was very well-written.

However, I have to say that the rythm was a little choppy. I had to read over some lines a few times before I could catch the rythm in them. Try to make things stay within the same stanza and rythm, it's easier for the reader. You don't have to change the poem drastically, just changing some words to be smaller, bigger, etc. The best way to think of this is by keeping the same number of syllables in each line. I'll give an example:

Maybe I’m mistaken,
But when does a princess battle all
While his highness is tucked away at home
So he wont have to brawl?

See how the rythm in this is a little bit hard to find? I'll give a way to fix this: (this is just constructive criticism, I loved the poem, just giving tips on how to improve )

Maybe I'm mistaken, (a) [6] {4}
But when does a princess battle all (b) [9] {4}
While his highness is tucked away at home (c) [10] {5}
So he won't have to brawl? (b) [6] {4}

Key: ( )=rhyme scheme, [ ]=number of syllables, { }=number of feet


Rhyme Scheme:
Your rhyme scheme is very good I like it.

Syllables:
The number of syllables in each line throws the meter off. You seem to like to have six syllables in each line, so that is the common amount. The struggle/problem? It's hard to stick to (this includes all meters). It seems like you want to have somewhere around six syllables in the first and third lines, and around seven in the second and fourth. This is a very good meter, and it's not dull, so let's work with that.

Feet:
(If you don't know what feet are, I didn't for the longest time, they are the rythm/meter. The number of feet in a line is the beat of the poem. So if you are reading a line, and you find the beat hit four times, then the line has four feet. Feet are usually counted by the number of accented syllables in a line, 4 accents = 4 feet, etc.)
The feet in this part were pretty good and even, until we hit the third line. There were four feet in each line, then 5 in the third. That is mainly where the beat is thrown off. I'll give some suggestions on how to fix this.

Analyzing:

Key: bolded = accented, italicized = unaccented, |= syllable separator (accented means there is emphasis put on this syllable, unaccented means no emphasis)


May|be | I’m | mis|ta|ken,

But | when | does | a | prin|cess | bat|tle | all

While | his | high|ness | is | tucked | a|way | at | home

So | he | wont | have | to | brawl?

Now that you can see this, we can start to work through it. The best way to even out the feet is to make each line have the same amount of syllables. However, because you like to have two different amounts, we will work with that.

The best way to add syllables is by using small, one-syllable words (is, am, etc.). The best ways to get rid of syllables are by replacing large amounts of small words with one multi-syllable word, OR by replacing large, multi-syllable words with small, one-syllable words.

Using the 6.7.6.7. scheme, let's start working:

Maybe I'm mistaken, (Perfect, it has six syllables)

But when does a princess battle all (This has 9 syllables. Maybe re-word the sentence...)
Should the princess battle all (This now has 7 syllables. It goes along with the scheme. If you don't like
it, feel free to change it, for this is only a suggestion.)

While his higness is tucked away at home (This is the problem. It throws one off...Here is a re-wording
suggestion...)
His highness lay at home (This now has 6 syllables. Again, if you don't like it, then change
it.)
So he won't have to brawl? (This is almost perfect, it just needs one more syllable. Take out
the contraction)
So he will not have to brawl? (7 syllables, bam!)


Polished Product:


Maybe I'm mistaken (a) [6] {4}
Should the princess battle all (b) [7] {4}
His highness lay at home (c) [6] {4}
So he will not have to brawl? (b) [7] {4}

Beautiful! I'm sorry about the length of this post...Anyway...Analyzing the poetry and making it flow easier isn't very hard. The poem was beautiful before, but keeping a steady rythm makes it easier to read. If you don't like what I did, then you can leave it how it was, or change it to how you want it. It doesn't really matter, these are all just suggestions Have fun with your poetry, and write more!

Yeah, I know that one part is iffy. I really appreciate all the work and advice you gave me. To be honest, I haven't worked on this poem at all. It was just one of those things that came out while I was really mad. I do have to work on that part, but I don't quite agree with your version. The last two lines don't really make a complete sentence.

Meh...I'll work on it though.



Thank you very much though! The advice kind of reminded me of my high school days in my creative writing class.

Yeahh...The last two lines were sort of hard to figure out. But keep working on it, because its a really good poem! Change my version all you want, because the poem needs to express what you feel, not me. Haha.