My Little Peony

I haven't written poetry in months.
Probably part of the reason my depression is so bad right now...
I'm really ashamed that this is the first piece to break my block, but it is what it is.

Anyways, emo rant aside, I'd like some critique.
This feels like absolute crap.

Thanks so much anyone who posts :) <3

***

What elicits the pain
Perhaps
No, definitely
Elicits it strongest
Is the innocence of both parties

You:
Naive
The pale pink of a blooming peony
Blooming
Unknowing of our sin
Inexperienced in our sin
The sin of two soft pairs of lips
Two female hearts
Joining

Me:
The demon
A hand crushing your gentle petals
Not in malice
But in search
Grasping
For something to salvage myself
A sinner by nature
In the matters of love
Or was it lust?

First, Tentative steps
Toward each other
Yes, a good, tentative start

Second, feigned affection
Gifts, flesh on flesh,
The shallow, sweet words that rotted from the inside out

But
Oh, my dear
Your half wasn’t feigned
Why was that?

And finally
Last, the torture
Internal, rotting my mind
The guilt, the fear, the cowardice

Would I continue?

Would she become my plaything?
Would there be nothing?

Or…

Would I be alone again?

And it seems that my mental torture
Shall continue until the day I die
Because that cruel organ
Residing in my head
Has chosen
The last
One

And the wet life I thought I had
Drawn from your blushing petals

Heh

Turns out it was my own tears

Been far too long, my little peony
Since anyone other than myself made me cry

Hey, there's no shame in writing what you feel. I don't like the reputation that writing poetry has, of just being this miserable place for people to talk about how miserable they are - if something comes from a genuine place on your inside, then hey! I'm all for it.

And there's something really satisfying about getting something out of your system that's so power-packed with emotion that when you look at it later, you're kind of in awe of yourself. Don't delete this or edit this. I think when enough time passes, you'll look at this and marvel at how you felt.

Anyways, it's brutal. I like it. The words come really suddenly, haltingly, and they're really concrete. Here's my favorite passage:

Second, feigned affection
Gifts, flesh on flesh,
The shallow, sweet words that rotted from the inside out

There's something about those "shallow sweet words" and the way that they're scattered about in this poem that really strikes a chord.

Thanks for posting!

-VV

_____________

EDIT: Wow, I just looked closer at the title. I definitely thought it said "My Little Pony" when I clicked the link from the main forum - if that was your intention, I definitely got a different poem than what I was expecting. :P

Thanks! Yeah, it's sort of like a journal entry I guess...

And yeah, I just realized the title similarities when I posted it.
Made me head desk a little xD

This is actually really good! I love the haling effect; it gives so much more strength to each line. It is too the point. It's percise. Demon's don't hesitate.

Here are some lines I really loved:

A hand crushing your gentle petals
Not in malice
But in search
Grasping

(I really liked the crushing gentle petals. Great image in my mind.)

And it seems that my mental torture
Shall continue until the day I die
Because that cruel organ
Residing in my head
Has chosen
The last
One

(Good powerful formatting of the poem's physical appearance and the word choice is very striking.)

Drawn from your blushing petals
(again loved the imagery)

For a critique, I would cut this line a little:

The guilt, the fear, the cowardice (cut out all the 'the' in there. sounds better)

Also take out the sentence with 'two female hearts'. That really isn't needed. That is a spot where you are trying too hard to explain what the poem is about. Leave a little interpretation. True, some people may not see that without those words, but a poem is about showing not telling.

"Turns out it was my own tears

Been far too long, my little peony
Since anyone other than myself made me cry" (Great ending. Powerful)


I am a little eh, on the 'heh' line. I guess if you wish to use it is okay but It wouldn't really affect the poem if it were taken out.

Well I hope that helped you out!