My ****ed up Little World

I am bored so I figured I would try my hand at comedy


“Alright men, we have one goal in mind on this raid. We will invade and conquer the people, but we must make it look innocent. We will set up a shop everyone will want to go to in the badlands, and then move in unspeakable evils of the most evily evil from the utterly evily association of evil doers doing evil things at evil times in evil places for evil reasons using evil methods and evil people for the benefit of all evil on the planet. An evil that will take their milk money and leave them in the dust. After we break them we will offer them hope and they will willingly do what we say.” – Gustav Adams, The Beginning of the New Order


Greenly Pennsylvania was by no means a large town, not even qualified as a town to the seventy-three locals who lived there. They didn’t even have any kind of stores or super markets except for the DOLLAR BIN and Greg’s General Market. They were fifty miles away from the next closest living development and they liked it that way always keeping to themselves. So when the strangers moved in thirty years ago and built a 99 Cent store up in the badlands six miles north of town no one went there and they thought it would close down.
Everyone blames Greg for keeping it in business, he would by from the 99 Cent store instead of the DOLLAR BIN so he could save a penny on each of his purchases to resell at his shop. When asked why he did it he would just smile and say, “Man you ought to have been in that place. Nice and clean and everything you can imagine for a penny cheaper too”.
So one by one the locals would brave the badlands in order to save a penny on their purchase until a nesting flock of Harpies and Malodrivies moved in to the badlands. They were mean and would capture travelers and shake the milk money from their pockets while they were held upside down. Only the bravest of souls would go to the 99 Cent store now and they were few and far between.


“Come on Scott, it is the freaking badlands, no one goes there anymore, and you will lose your milk money.” Bayris was pleading with his friend. Ever since they both moved in from Los Angelis after defeating the Wal-matrix Scott seemed to have a swelled head.
Scott would not bend though, he was tough. He had already bested the Wal-mart guardian and defeated Michael Jackson as well as purged the Wal-matrix of the pharmacy department of Morphine. Yes Morphine, the very one who tried to misguide Bayris on his sacred quest to find out why he had to contend with a bus (which Bayris defeated with the help of his mother). Yes Scott had done all of this before he turned nine years old, and now he was ten, even stronger than before. No Scot would not budge; he knew what he must do.
“Bayris,” Scott said as he stood up, “Tonight we will begin our journey to the 99 Cent store. Take only what you need and nothing else for I have a feeling this will be even more dangerous than our Wal-matrix journey was.” Scott had that gleam in his eye again, the one that almost got them turned into licorice whips at the Consumer Mirror, the gateway to the Wal-matrix.
“I have a bad feeling about this… Can I just stay here and lead a normal life?”
“Nope.”
“Fine, but I am bringing a gun this time, you remember what happened during our medieval raid.”
Yes Scott remembered it all too well. Passing through the Consumer Mirror they found themselves with a legion of medieval knights complete with shining armor. They did a massive raid with the legion but were confronted with German Nazis, the ones who mysteriously vanished on D-Day making it a victory for the Allied Powers. Needless to say almost the whole legion was gunned down and the survivors barely made it out with their lives.
“Don’t tell me you forgot Scott?”
Scott’s mind snapped back to the present, “No, I was just thinking that you are ten, you don’t have a gun.”
“Screw it all to hell, I refuse to go.” Bayris was being unreasonable. They had after all defeated everyone in the Wal-matrix save the Wal-mart guardian without a gun. Scott grinned at how easy it was to pop a hole in the Wal-mart guardians head, but with Bayris’s curse… It changed into Michael Jackson.
Bayris had an unusual family curse. Every male member of his family could not kill with a gun or be near a gun killing or the person shot would turn into a Michael Jackson. The curse only lasts until he would turn twelve, but he was two years away from that. Scott got lucky last time, he had ant-mike pants on at the time, but he lost those moving here, so they would not use guns.
“Bayris, let me put it to you this way, your curse will not let us use guns and our age stops us from getting guns.” Scott was losing his patience, Bayris was always a pessimist.
“Oh our age, then I suppose they let ten year olds waltz into a store and by swords and knives… Wait a second.” Dawning had finally hit Bayris. “What did you hit me for and how did you get up here, we are the third floor.”
Dawning looked amused as she pointed to an open window. “I had a ladder.” She explained as she jumped back out the window.
“What a strange chick.” Bayris was still having a hard time believing that Dawning would jump through a third floor window just to hit him. “Now where was I? Oh yea, to the forge we must travel first, and there we will be properly equipped. Then and only then will I go with you. But first to the Bat Mobile.”
(Bat Man theme song playing in the background) They ran down the stairs to the second floor to speak to penguin who was currently being pressed with charges of assaulting two minors. After they got what they needed they could hear him cursing about ten year old super heroes an how it just wasn’t fair.
Making a stop on the first floor they grabbed a mocha cup to go and simultaneously cured aids but after they drank the mochas they forgot about the aids cure and continued to the parking lot. Quickly spotting the Bat Mobile hanging upside down in the dark corner of the parking lot they had to coax it out using blood spattered grapefruits.
“Alright then, onward to the… uh the…” Scott fumbled for the right terms as they sat down inside the Bat Mobile’s spleen. “Uh, where are we going again?”
“The forge.” Bayris stated flatly as if reminding a ten year old kid. Which he actually was.
“Oh yea, onward to the forge.” Scott pressed a green button marked ‘Forge, free candy upon arrival’.
After flying for several feet in silence the came to a small hut labeled “Forge and Candy”. Upon entering they met up with the only super senior in the area, the first one in sixty years, and sat down in front of his table.
“You are on a quest… a very dangerous quest…” He started speaking to them in a croaky old wise voice.
“Cut the crap Mark, you may know secrets and have powers but you are not old.” Bayris replied as tartly as he could.
“You came to me.” Mark returned to his normal voice. “Now, you would not come to me unless you wanted to save a penny.”
They both nodded.
“All I can do for you is tell you that things are not what they always seem. Remember that, because a fate larger than you both lies on your shoulders. Now I suggest going and gearing up in the back.”
Mark’s words were ringing in Scotts ears as he followed Bayris to the back. Annoyed he swatted them down and stomped them down grumbling. “Ring on that.”
“Alright then, here we go, we have canned soup and… wait a second, where are all the weapons?” Bayris was looking around the small room filled with camping gear. The he noticed the sign that said ‘this way to the forge,’ “Oh…”
They hopped on the way and it started to move up past the tree tops. “Hold on here Mr. Author guy. We are in a shack not a forest.” Bayris sounded annoyed as the scene suddenly shifted to a small shack. “Better, next time pay more attention to what you are writing.”
And by some strange force of cosmic crap, Bayris was struck mute and could not speak. Although he spent the whole ride waving his arms frantically and making rude gestures that no ten year old should know.
The author would now like to take time to say the following, “Bayris shut up and stand still.”


“Ok, let me get this strait,” Bayris spoke through the grills of his metal helmet. “You are going to draw out the thing wearing a dress and I will tackle it so we can see exactly what we are supposed to be fighting right?”
Scott answered after shrugging on the dress. “Exactly.”
“well… uhm dude… yea you got a beard thing going on there. I was thinking you might want to shave it.”
“Hey I am ten, I am proud of this beard.”
“Whatever you say man.”
Scott began to walk out into the open when it suddenly sidestepped to avoid the crash. “Hey watch where you’re going bud.” Scott was yelling after it when it decided to give him the bird. “No get away.” Scott was frantically swatting at it a it flew around his head.
He quickly pulled a small piece of kryptonite out of his pocket making the bird instantly fall. Then immediately following it a freak in a tight blue suit and a red cape with freakishly huge muscles fell down from a higher altitude. He had a diamond with a letter “S” inside of it and he seemed to be suffocating.
“OH MY GOD, He killed Superman” A high pitched voice was shrieking. When Scott looked to see who was screaming he was taken aback to see it was Red Riding Hood.
The author would like to take the time to say, “Oh snap, you just got served son.”
Now aback is a complete part of the author’s imagination that he made up on the spot just because he felt like it. Also it should be noted that due to copy right issues the author has changed Red Riding Hood into a chipmunk and Superman into a freight train. And while we are noting things that need to be noted by noting what you will not notice because you are not there to note them, we will point out the fact that the Malodrivies are completely fictional and are entirely made up on the spot to serve no point but the fact that they now exist. Thank you for noting this notice from the noticeable author.
And now we will take a break from all the action and go visit a world where pink ponies prance in fields of dandelions and poop rainbows and piss glitter. And where unicorns and fairies play scrabble against nymphs and dryads. But also in this world there are dragons and leviathans that hunt them down and eat them alive. Then the world resets and everyone spawns back in again.
Back to the story…
Scott just stared open mouthed at the scene of dragons and leviathans destroying everything… Oh wait, Superman… right… sorry.
“Well Superman is dead and we have a witness. Dead men tell no tales, but in this case it is an annoying chick chipmunk. So I will deal with her… with a hacksaw.” Bayris pulled out a small teabag labeled ‘hacksaw’. “Alrighty, I will make you a deal, you don’t squeal and we can turn you into a pony.”
“You got yourself a deal.” The chipmunk ran and grabbed the tea bag before darting off.
Hey wait, you can’t do that… I am the author I have the power!
“Go **** yourself.” Bayris scolded
Time Rewind!!!
Superman is dead and we have a witness.” Bayris got interrupted.
Kill the stupid rodent and get on with it.
“You do it Scott; I do not have the stomach for killing rats… Scott what the pigmy are you doing?”
“Uh…” Scott quickly hid the stick with the roasting chipmunk behind his back. “Heh heh, uhm so what’s up Bayris… and uhm narrator guy.”
“Well that solved that problem… onward we march.” Bayris started a battle hymn. “Rubber ducky, you so fun. Rubber ducky.”
Scott shucked the dress and grabbed a combat jacket and stripper boots. “Don’t judge me, you know you have a pair stashed under your bed too.” Scott ran after Bayris and together they walked off into the distance and the sun exploded and ended the universe.
Na I am kidding, the sun didn’t explode, it just sank on the horizon.

Night, the time of the Malodrivies. Night is only the time of them because I said so and because I think it is time to introduce one as I just decided what they should be. I have decided that they are like jelly blobs of mutated fungus with limbs. And while I am creating them I also would like to give them Spartan helmets and boxing gloves on their feet. Now why would I do this you’re asking yourself. The reason is simple, because I can.
When Bayris and Scott got to the safe house Scott went to unlock it but he confused the car key with the safe house key and the engine started. Looking at Bayris who just shrugged he put the house in reverse and started to pull out of the property lot. He was going to drive the safe house to the next safe house so he and Bayris could have one each. After they pulled in to the driveway Bayris promptly picked up the safe house and folded it up to put in his pocket.
“You never know when these things might come in handy.” He said when Scott gave him a questioning look.
“Just remember, heroes may be remembered, but legends never die. Follow your heart kid.” A disembodied voice faintly speaking in the wind.
“What the hell?” Bayris asked as a bunch of Baseball players began a battle against the hockey team from Hell. “Looks like angels are in the outfield all over again and Mr. Freeze is back.” (Batman theme song in the background.) “And cut the music, it is starting to get annoying.” Bayris started to grumble about Adam West and stupid dance moves.
“Alright Bayris, we nee to keep moving, that 99 Cent store will not come to us.” Scott hopped in the gunner seat of a HUM-V. “Those Malodrivies could be anywhere.”
As they pulled out of the driveway to a Carl’s Jr. the bushes off to the side started to move and a blob like thing leaped… wait a second. What are you doing, you are supposed to attack them at the border to the badlands.
“You take to long, and besides, I haven’t had a burger since you created me on the spot.” The Malodrivie responded tartly.
(*EDIT* The following argument has been omitted for the safety of all smurfs in the immediate area)
The author would now like to take the time to say that Malodrivies have been permanently removed from the story for extreme offense and endangering the safety of smurfs. And while the author would like to say things, he now would like to say the following: “Holy crap you are still reading this crazy story? How in the name of all things sane did you even get this far?” Thank you for your time, and now back to the story.
“Damn the torpedoes. Four Bells. Captain Drayton, go ahead! Jouett full speed!"
“Aye Commander Farragut” Jouett shouted.
“Holy crap bro, listen, these random story jumps and alternate story jumps are starting to…” And by some strange cosmic force crap Bayris was struck mute for a second time this story as the scene switched over to the border of the badlands.
“You know he will need to speak again if we are to get anywhere from here.” Scott pointed out in to which he was also hit by the strange cosmic force crap.
The sun set while both of them were flailing their arms wildly
The author would like to say that yes he knows that it is night time, but the sky and the sun can not sue him for copy right issues so he can have them do whatever the hell he wants them to do. So if he wants the sun to set at night and the sky to suddenly take form into a goldfish (which can’t sue him either), he by all means will do it and no force in this story can stop him. “I have the POWER!!!






The county morgue would like to say that the author of this story had a sudden fatal heart attack after screaming “I have the power.” at the top of his lunges. It should be noted that the morgue has indeed reviewed this work and declared it an instant failure and ultimate ownage of the author. We would also like to point out the fact that the body had traces of morphine in it and a high concentration of coffee in the blood. Thank you for your time and we sincerely hope that you read something that will not kill brain cells or pollute your mind. We recommend reading Dante’s Inferno so you may appreciate the author’s new home and pray you never get to visit him.

Wow.

Not quite sure what to make of this.

Comedy writing is difficult, especially in prose form. It lends itself to pure physicality, to being acted out in one's mind from one element to the next and often the narrative itself acts as a comedic force, sweeping the story along at a harrowingly hilarious speed.

However, the speed here for this offering was a bit overwhelming. It all felt horrifically disorganized -- not to say the story itself was horrific, but form one disjoined paragraph to the next I hadn't the faintest idea where the story was heading next.

While I understand that may have been your intention, the presentation of the piece sort of turned me off right away. I think you copied and pasted this directly from a word document, if I am correct? Always, always do a read-through again and get some proper line breaks between those paragraphs! My eyes got a bit weary reading poorly-jointed globs of text here and there.

For all my negativity, it was fun. I think you had a great time writing this silly narrative, but don't make the mistake of mixing up "silly" with "comedy". I liked your concern for the safety of the smurfs, and even right off the bat Greg's insistence for spending 99 cents instead of a dollar made me smile.

If you had fun with it, then that's all that matters.

Keep writing!

VV

haha, yea like I said in the Sandra post, I never copied from word before and did not know that would happen. And yes, this is supposed to be like this, it is actually Fan Fiction for Roland Smiths Bayris's Curse series. The whole 5 books are done like this, although he does a much better job of it that I did.

The idea behind it is simple, everything moves at an inhuman speed and everything is a pun/play on words. I never really wrote fan fiction or comedy before, most of my real work is a little dark, like Sandra except not that extreme. I also write poetry as my main focus so I am new to most types of story telling. But I will take your advice, as it is good advice and not telling me I suck just to troll.

I can handle critique, in fact I enjoy it because it helps me as a writer get better, so I thank you for the reviews :D

(PS: I am still wearing my Sato Shirt :P)