Looking for a Mentor

Hello, Trickster132 here, I need a mentor to improve my writing. My writing background is mostly persuasive writing but when it comes to writing creatively in a roleplay, I only type like 100 or so words in my posts. I will now show you the comparison between my persuasive writing and my creative writing

My Persuasive Writing

Some people might disagree that the Catcher in the Rye is important towards teenagers because Holden and many other teenagers are related in the similar way. However, even though, this statement is true, Holden is a fictional persona that represents a troubled teenager; modern teenagers that are similar to him aren’t stuck in their own world. Obviously, Holden is a fictional character that represents the embodiment of many other troubled teenagers around the world but for example, Holden’s red hunting hat represents the alienation from sociality towards other people and it represents how different he is from everyone around him. Another example is that the Museum of Natural History represents the ideal that something or someone stays the same, in the novel, this symbol is similar to Holden because he didn’t change at all until he ponders about his future when he reaches an epiphany the moment he sees his deceased brother Allie. The protagonist, Holden is an also a negative ideal because an ideal can be anything such as a character or a symbol. For example, in the classical piece of literature, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde by Robert Louis Stevenson, Dr. Jekyll represents the ideal of perfect goodness while Mr. Hyde represents ideal of perfect evil. To sum up, the symbols represents the negative ideals of an individual such as Holden and in any way, it can be compared to the ideals of a teenager.-(From my "Catcher in the Rye" Persuasive Essay, Concluding Paragraph)

Creative Writing in Terms of Roleplaying

"I think I'll order some ratatouille" Andre to said to Natalia and Andre poured the wine in the chilled glass. He drank and it felt cool to the taste. The liquor going to his veins felt like shock therapy to his body. He relaxed and maintained his composure. He then turned to Natalia and said to her "What are you going to order?"- (My post from my roleplay "Su Corazon Real)

There is a huge difference between my persuasive writing and my creative writing. I want to challenge myself by writing a lot more creatively but I always fall short in doing so. In conclusion, I need a mentor to teach me how to write more in terms of creativity.

Thank You,
Trickster132

I attempted to reply to this last night; by the looks of it, it didn't work. Go figure.
If you would like, I would be willing to assist you. Typically, I start a simple RP with my students, and then send them private advice, critique and assistance for each of their posts.
If this would be agreeable, please contact me.
AA.

I'll reply to you by the afternoon, I have school during the day and I really need some sleep since it's like 12:51 A.M

Awesome Trickster, that's fine by me. I'm a nurse, so I work a lot of long hours; don't worry if I'm absent for a little while, it just means I'm busy with my job. I always come back after a few days.

If you like, we can set up an RP to help you improve your writing style; if so, tell me what sort of writing you like to do, and what sort of characters you have already. ^^

An RP, sounds fine by me (hehe, it rhymed) but anyway, I mostly focus on writing involving dialogue (Conversation-Wise) when it comes to roleplaying but other than that, describing thing and stating conflicts for a character is not my forte and for characters, they are all males. I am willing to start right away and learn whatever technique you will teach me

Okay, that's really quite helpful. Can you post the profile for a character that you'd like to use here? That should help me decide what sort of character to match you against, and also give me an idea of the sort of person you like to use.

As time goes on, we will likely push your horizons; hopefully, a few girls will sneak on in there.

My character profile (from my roleplay "SMT:Persona 5)




Name: Takuya Alonso Uchida (Full, Real and Legal Name) However in Italy, he is named Luciano Cadriola by his adoptive family

Age: 17

Gender: Male

Orientation: Heterosexual (Straight)

Affiliation: S.E.E.S

Appearance:








Takuya has medium-length black hair and he's around 5'11'', he has an average yet muscular frame. His hair can be styled like that in the picture, spiked up or a fauxhawk-like style. His eyes have a pale shade of ice blue with a tint of grey somewhere in his pupils. He usually wears a white cotton shirt with a red tie and a black jacket with faux white fur around the sleeves and around halfway in the neck area. He wears a studded belt around his pants with a design of a cross in the right pants leg and little adjustable belt-straps around each pants leg. He has a tattoo on his wrist saying "XIII"

Extracurricular Activity: In the student council and plays on the school's soccer team as the captain

Here is Takuya's info on the soccer team's website:
Kit Name: Uchida

Kit Number: 10

Position(s): He plays mostly the role as an Attacking midfielder, can play a more defensive role (defensive midfielder or central), versatile on either side of the wing, very good dribbling and close control of the ball and positioned just behind the striker.

Strengths: Like a tactician, Takuya reads the game well and has a spectacular range of passing including vision, has a powerful shot from outside the goal resulting a good eye for goal. He also has a lot of pace

Weaknesses: When he plays defensive midfield, it's hard for him to track back to defend since he is mostly used to play as an attacking midfielder, lacks some stamina here and there and his crosses have a poor accuracy percentage.

Personality: Takuya is more of an antisocial type of person, he is calculating, intelligent and analytical. He doesn't speak that much but he slightly smiles but all he can do is act tough and commanding but inside, he is vulnerable and somewhat sensitive. Sometimes, he feels somewhat lonely since he is antisocial because most of the time, he is in his dorm relaxing by drawing or reading. Some of the SEES members are worried about Takuya's actions and try to get out more to be a bit more social

Hobbies: Drawing, Playing Soccer, Reading, Playing Video Games, Listening to Music

Dorm Room Description: The dorm room is extremely spacious with lots of room. The dorm room inside has black walls with stripes of red and white going diagonally in one direction. It's organized for a boy's room. There is a twin-size bed with an modern and sleek bed frame, a plasma TV, your usual video game consoles (PS3 and X Box 360) connected to the TV, a desk with a desktop computer and a laptop on top of some textbooks. Around the dorm room, there are posters of random abstract art designs, soccer teams and music. There is also a bathroom with a bath and shower in it near the area where his bed is.

Bio: Takuya was born in Shinjuku, Japan and was abandoned on the streets of Shinjuku by his biological parents, a rich Italian family from Milan adopted him a year later and he didn't have a first or last name at the time, so they named him Luca Cadriola. During his childhood in Italy, he grew up with the Italian culture and he was an energetic and outgoing individual playing soccer on the streets with his friends and learning the Italian language day by day in school.and his parents kept spoiling him with whatever he needed. However, all that would change, when he was ten, Takuya overheard a conversation between his adoptive parents that he should move to Japan. Outraged, Takuya found out that his name isn't actually "Luca Cadriola" and his adoptive family are not directly related to him whatsoever, Soon, he was on his way to Japan and a month later, he arrived to Japan, compared to his life in Italy, it's difficult for him to go by in his daily life, Takuya stole food and money including a winning lottery ticket. Because of the lottery ticket, he had a enormous amount of money and soon sent himself to the middle school in Hanabi Island, after 3 years in middle school. He was in Sanada High (School), he hadn't heard of S.E.E.S until he was 16 years old, where the organization found out he has the potential. Takuya then spent the money from the lottery ticket to renovate his dorm room to get to the current state his dorm room is in today. When he was 17 years old, he was given the role to lead S.E.E.S and continues to lead S.E.E.S to this day. Currently, Takuya is the leader of S.E.E.S but he will never forget his life in Italy and how hard it is to live without anything but yourself....


Weapon: Takuya wields a short-length axe and uses it as a boomerang or a bladed edge

Persona Name: Mezuki








Persona Appearance: Mezuki has a horn on its head, it's a demonic horse with humanoid-like body. It had a nose ring and it wears a pair of gold bands around its biceps and gold bracers on each of it's wrists. It also wears Buddhist Prayer beads around it's neck. It carries an axe with a sharp and bladed edge, the handle has carvings of skulls and bones. It also wears a fauld to protect itself from renegade souls and spirits. It has some markings on its chest and face and it has hooves and a tail.


Persona Arcana: Strength

Skills:

Persona Strengths: Maragion (evolves into Maragidyne), Mediarama, Fatal End, Resist Elec (Level 50), Fire Amp (Level 53) and Mudoon (level 56)

Persona Weaknesses: Weak against Ice attacks


Theme song: Little White Doves by Dirty Vegas http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8wALSRAuXaM

Okay, that's quite a detailed profile, and you clearly have put a lot of thought into this character. I think I'd like to see him in action; see what he can do and how he works around other characters and in different settings.

I would like to set up a RP using this character and one of my own, so that I can get an idea about how you RP and what we need to work on.

As he's collage age and you have described his dorm room, let's have him start out in a neutral location, possibly in a park of coffee shop near his educational facility/dorm block.

I'd like you to write me a post (as long or as short as you feel comfortable with) of this character getting to/being in this location. Remember, I need enough detail to be able to put a character of my own in; you are setting the scene that I will follow.

Good luck, and I hope to see you soon. ^^

[center]The Coffee Shop[center]



The coffee shop was rather modern, it seemed small but it was rather spacious, there was chic stools and tables to accommodate the customers. A man walked in, he was wearing a white cotton shirt with a red tie and a black jacket with faux white fur around the sleeves and around halfway in the neck area. Also, he donned a studded belt around his pants with a design of a cross in the right pants leg and little adjustable belt-straps around each pants leg. Some people gave some noticeable glances but the man didn't seem to mind. Approaching the counter, Takuya was now face-to face with the barista.

"Hello, what can I get for you?" asked the barista

"I'll take an Iced Chocolate Dalmatian" responded the man

"OK, Coming right up" the Barista said

As the man awaited for his drink, he got his laptop and prepared to continue his arduous essay. The man felt exhausted typing the essay but he had to do it anyway, it is his job as a college student to do what was required but he couldn't even type one word to continue. All this exhaustion is probably taking a toll on him so he decided to hold off on his essay for a while and continue awaiting his drink

Okay, that’s not a bad post at all, though there are some areas where you could improve. Most importantly, there are some missing punctuation marks, and although these are not in ‘vital’ places (that is to say their absence doesn’t change the meaning of your writing) they lower the overall quality of your writing.

For example:

“Hello, what can I get for you?” asked the barista

– this requires a full stop at the end, to become:

“Hello, what can I get for you?” asked the barista.

If a sentence has ended, there has to be a punctuation mark of some form to signify this.

Your dialog itself gets the job done, but I think it could benefit from a little more variation, as at the moment it falls into the pattern of “WORDS” manner who. Reworked, your dialog string could become:

“Hello, what can I get for you,” the barista asked upon realising that there was a customer waiting. It was a quiet day, and she was admittedly rather bored; as such, she flashed him a charming smile.

The man, however, had his mind on other things. “I’d like an Iced Chocolate Dalmatian,” he responded.

The barista didn’t lose her smile, but it became a little less charming and a great deal more professional. “Okay, coming right up,” she said with a sigh.

-in this manner, you can make your conversations a little more engaging, and give a better insight into what your characters are thinking and feeling. At the moment, you are proficient in giving the relevant information, but the manner in which you give it is rather standard, which means your writing lacks its full potential.

I hope this helps; my post is coming up next.

AA.

It wasn’t that Jack was having one of those days, precisely. Ever the optimist, he didn’t like to class anything below Total Chaos in that category, but he was still realistic enough to recognise when things were going predictably south. Misplacing his phone (a cardinal sin) should probably have tipped him off that things were on something of a downward spiral, and now, some four hours later and lost in a city he couldn’t even begin to name, he was beginning to admit that things had become slightly unsavoury. Not one of those days though, because Jack wasn’t ready to admit that particular defeat just yet.

He was however damp (his umbrella had also managed to misplace itself along with his phone), cold and growing increasingly fed up, so the appearance of what appeared to be a coffee shop on the figurative horizon was a welcome relief. He even went so far as to smile, pulling the rather soggy collar of his long, cream coat into a less uncomfortable angle and flicking back his hood as he made a beeline for the establishment.

Not five minutes later Jack was standing at the counter, chattering amicably to the young woman serving while she prepared a cup of tea for him, his spirits much improved. The girl was friendly, the shop was warm, and it felt ridiculously nice to un-tuck his waist-length, dark red ponytail from his shirt.

“Oh, I’ve been growing it for years,” he said in response to the barista’s question, even as he smoothed the kinks out of his (much beloved) hair. “I can’t really remember when it started, but I don’t like to wear it short; it’s actually harder to take care of, and I look a fright.” Ever the dramatist, Jack smiled, leaning in as if to share a secret. “But don’t repeat that, my dear, because my brother wears his short, and we’re really rather identical. He’d be quite upset if someone were to prick his vanity, even though his choice of style leaves much to be desired.”

As he was sipping his ice-cold coffee, Takuya noticed another man with a long waist-length ponytail. Furthermore, Takuya was a bit intrigued by the amount of time for the man to grow his ponytail. However, the interest in the man's ponytail diminished as he felt the addictive qualities of his Chocolate Dalmatian. The White Chocolate Mocha felt sweet and tantalizing to the tip of Takuya's tongue while the Java chip's bitter overtones mixed with the chocolate's sugary backsplashes. Soon, Takuya felt an aftertaste that somewhat relaxed him and then, he got out a book about mockumentaries and began to read. However, he couldn't take his eyes off the man's dark-red ponytail

Jack, still deep in idle conversation with the woman behind the register, accepted his tea with a charming smile. “Twins? Why yes, we are as a matter of fact. We very nearly had different birthdays though. Vinny never fails to be amused by that; he says I got lost on my way out,” he recited in response to yet another question before thanking the young woman and turning to find himself a table.

Mid turn, he used the opportunity to scan the establishment with dark eyes (he had felt eyes on the back of his neck more than once during his conversation), and found his attention drawn by another young man. As the only other patron in the shop, he had to be the owner of the drilling state that Jack had become so aware of. Interesting; Jack wondered what he wanted.

Never one to turn down the opportunity for conversation, Jack chose to approach the situation head on (rather than adopting the stranger’s ‘sit back and observe’ method), and stepped towards the man’s table. “Good day, my love,” he murmured, long, pale hands wrapped around a travel-cup of tea. “The weather really is quite shocking today, don’t you think?” He had a slightly odd way of talking; careful and cultured but slightly abstract, as though he wasn’t really paying full attention to what he was saying.

After hearing the man's intuitive question, Takuya felt a bit strange and awkward from the man with the dark-red ponytail. The way he spoke seemed extremely cultured and Takuya felt flustered but in a sense, he could get what the man was somewhat trying to say. To the best of his ability, Takuya replied to the man while keeping a slight smile, "Well, it's a bit sunnier than usual and it occasionally rained a little. By the way, I am doing quite well, thank you for asking."

"I couldn't help but notice your long ponytail. Before you respond, could you please tell me your name sir?" Takuya added in a somewhat detailed yet formal tone. He sipped on his Chocolate Dalmatian and regained his composure

The man seemed interesting yet he was a little bizarre with the way he talked. However, Takuya decided not to go any further into that thought. As he awaited for the man's response, Takuya whistled to himself quietly forming a simple tune that one might whistle if he/she were to be in a happy mood.

It didn’t really take all that long for Jack do decide that the boy he was talking to was a little bit odd. It was something about the way he spoke, probably, but it left Jack feeling the slightest bit unsettled. However, he knew he was hardly one to talk when it came to odd speech patterns, so rather than making an excuse and escaping, Jack smiled.

“My name is Jack,” he said after a moderate pause in which he scrambled to gather his disrupted thought process. It wasn’t every day that a stranger answered small talk about the weather in such a way, but Jack refused to be put off. “It’s very nice to meet you.”

He hoped it would be nice to meet him, anyway. Jack really did hope that he hadn’t accidentally run into a weirdo again; his brother would never let him live it down, for a start, and he really wasn’t in the mood to get kidnapped or anything.


(sorry for the delay; I am settled into my new job now, so should become more active again. Also, your character responded a bit unusually to a question about the weather, so Jack is answering accordingly)

(Sorry for the long delay, I had some very personal stuff for the past month or so, tomorrow, I'll post, Again, I apologize for the heavy inconvenience I have caused)