RPAcademy: Mia and F16superman2

Tutorial session with Mia and F16superman2.

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First Assignment: Write a short post on the following scenario.
Setting: School
Problem: You are called to the principal's office

Ellen stood nervously by the principle door. She had been in her maths lesson when the secretary had called for her to go to the principles office, loads of thoughts had rushed into her head as she had stood up and headed to the door, had someone got hurt? Was she in trouble? She remembered how hot she had felt while walking through the corridors, the corridors were all narrow with lockers and doors placed wherever there was room and the smell in the corridors was atrocious, a mix of sweat and teenagers perfume wafted through the hallways, nearly making her sick. As she had got outside the principles office the secretary had smiled and had said, "wait just one moment." and had knocked and went into the principle's office. Now, five minutes later, Ellen was still waiting outside, she was getting more nervous by the minute and she had started to breathe heavily. Finally the secretary came out and said, "you may go in now." So Ellen went into the office.

Alright, we're off to a good start. You have some good ideas that would flow a bit better with the correct punctuation. For instance when you typed: She had been in her maths lesson when the secretary had called for her to go to the principles office, loads of thoughts had rushed into her head as she had stood up and headed to the door, had someone got hurt?

You have two separate ideas which could be separated into two separate sentences here by simply replacing the comma with a period like this: She had been in her math lesson when the secretary had called for her to got to the principal's office. Loads of thoughts had rushed into her head as she had stood up and headed to the door. Had someone got hurt?

Another thing I noticed was that you use the auxiliary verb, or helping verb "had" a lot which could hinder the flow of a work of writing. Try limiting your use of "had" if you can. Using the same sentence from before, I'm going to eliminate "had" as much as I can like so: She had been in her math lesson when the secretary called for her to go to the principal's office. Loads of thoughts rushed into her head as she stood up and headed to the door.

See how that works? Let me know if this is still unclear of or if you have any questions.

Lets try and identify the other run-on sentences in your post. Read over your post and where there is supposed to be a pause, consider whether or not it would be more wise to put a period or a comma there. Placing a comma in the place of a period without a conjunction turns it into a comma splice which is not good.

For example when you posted: She remembered how hot she had felt while walking through the corridors, the corridors were all narrow with lockers and doors placed wherever there was room and the smell in the corridors was atrocious, a mix of sweat and teenagers perfume wafted through the hallways, nearly making her sick.

With some conjunctions such as "while", "and", or "so" you can prevent the above segment from being a complete run-on. Also, remember to not be afraid to use periods like this: She remembered how hot she had felt while walking through the corridors, which were all narrow with lockers and doors placed wherever there was a room. The smell in the corridors was atrocious, with a mix of sweat and teenagers' perfume wafted through the hallways which nearly made her sick.

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First Revision Assignment: Rewrite your first post and consider the points discussed.
Focus: This time around don't be afraid to use periods or conjunctions when using commas. Also, try and put in some of your character's physical descriptions into your post. You can add descriptions such as the length and color of her hair, or her body build, and even the clothes she is wearing! Good luck!

Ellen stood nervously by the Principle's door, she was thinking of reasons why she had been sent to the principle. Maybe it was her newly dyed bright pink hair which was shaped in a bob, or maybe it was her uniform which had been slightly customised. She soon decided against them idea's when she remembered about Kaya's blue beehive haircut!
This had all started this morning, she had been in her maths lesson minding her own business when the secretary had knocked on the door and said, "Please can Ellen Johnson come and see the principle." Loads of thoughts rushed into her head as she headed for the door. Had someone got hurt? Was she in trouble? She hated walking down the hallway with the secretary, well, she hated walking down the hallway fullstop. The hallway was the worst place to be in the school. It stank of body odour and perfume, also the hallways were so narrow it was hard to walk in pairs. The Lockers and doors to classrooms were put wherever possible, and the grime on the walls made you feel sick!
When she had got to the principles office the secretary had said, "wait there one minute." and had gone into the principles office. It was 5 minutes later and she still hadn't been called in. Ellen was getting more nervous by the minute, and she was starting to sweat. Finally, after 7 minutes, Ellen was called into the principles office.

Tutorial Note: Much better! That was a great improvement on the run-on sentences! I still see a lot of "had"s in there! I also noticed that one of your strong points is in describing the setting. You're also very good at portraying the emotions of your character. Lets try a different scenario.

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Second Assignment: Write a short post on the following scenario.
Setting: Pre-Prom
Problem: Getting ready
Focus: Character background and description, remember to stay clear from those run-on sentences! Also, you may only use the word "had" twice in this next post!

Jade applyed the finishing touches to her make-up. She was nearly ready for the prom. After so many years of waiting for her prom year, it had finally come. Jade was so excited, but nervous as well. She wanted to get to the prom to see people's reactions, and to see people's dresses.
Jade looked the best she has been in years. Her Auburn hair which usually was in a messy high ponytail, was now in a neat french bun. Her Pale, nearly white, skin was now a little bit rosier. Her oval shaped face which usually had no make-up on, now with perfectly done make-up which hid her scar above her nose. Her pear shaped figure, which usually held a baggy top and jeans, now held a cream knee length dress with gold decoration. She looked like a princess.
The days just before the prom had not been good for Jade. Her Mum threatened not to take her after she hit her brother, and her prom date decided to dump her and asked Cassie to go to the prom with him. Then, just the day before the prom, her heels snapped off the shoes she was going to wear. So in other words it had been a disaster just before the prom.
Now Jade was ready, and raring to go. Her Mum started to cry as she walked down the stairs and into the hallway, but Jade didn't have time for that so she shouted, "Mum stop crying, we're already late!" and the rushed out of the house and into the car.

Tutorial Note: Wow, that was awesome. I really enjoyed reading that post, it flowed very well. The only thing I have to say about it is when you said: Her oval shaped face which usually had no make-up on, now with perfectly done make-up which hid her scar above her nose.

It lacked a main verb. That could easily be fixed by adding the word "was" right before the word "now"

As far as character descriptions go, you did a great job! The background information was just a bit choppy so lets focus on that in this next assignment.

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Third Assignment: Write a post on the following scenario
Setting: Middle of a desert
Problem: You're lost
Focus: Character background. Remember to keep away from those run-on sentences! And don't forget to use conjunctions with commas!

Ross was lost in a desert. He had took his girlfriend on a desert safari for a suprise, and they were having a good time, until he said he didn't love her. That just made his girlfriend furious, so she took the car and drove away. Now, a couple of hours later, he was getting hotter and hotter by the minute.
He knew it was getting near the afternoon, when the heat would be at its hottest. What he was wearing before getting lost and now, was very different. When he left he was wearing a V-neck t-shirt, some tight Jeans, and his Designer trainers. Now he was only in his boxer shorts, which showed his pot-belly, and he had took out the laces of his shoes and tied his hair up, which usually lay just below his shoulders.
Ross was having a good life. He was born in Eygpt and lived their 20 years. When he was 20 he learned English, got a visa and moved to London. Eygpt was very different to London, so it took a year to get used to it. At the age of 21 he got a job as a cleaner at a very cheesy hotel, and he started to enjoy his life in London. When he was 23 he met his girlfriend and was happily with her for two years, until she suggested to go to his hometown, and he decided that was the perfect way to show off, which ended up him being lost.
Ross now wanted to cry. He now felt hot, sweaty, scared and fustrated. He hated his girlfriend for leaving him like this, but he wished she would come back and take him back to the hotel feeling safe and happy.
Ross looked at his map one more time and realised he was heading the wrong way. He was so annoyed he shouted, "Damn." and he then turned around going back to where he started. Ross would be lucky if he got home before nightfall, but that probably wouldn't happen.

Tutorial Note: Great job! There were a couple misspellings in there, if you can it's always good to spell check your writing. I also noticed that when you wrote: He was born in Eygpt and lived their 20 years.

You used a homonym "their" when it was supposed to be "there." Be careful!! Other than that, I liked how you went about explaining how your character got stranded in the desert. Another thing to note is, it's alway good to break up your writing into organized paragraphs so it makes it easier for readers to read. You actually did put some space in between but it's good to put a full blank line so it's easier on the eyes. This is actually just personal preference. So whenever you finish a group of ideas, it's good to put a space in between them like so(I'm also including the correct spelling and grammar, and taking out some "had"s lol):

Ross was lost in a desert. He took his girlfriend on a desert safari for a surprise and they were having a good time, until he said he didn't love her. This just made his girlfriend furious, so she took the car and drove away. Now, a couple of hours later, he was getting hotter and hotter by the minute.

He knew it was getting near the afternoon, when the heat would be at its hottest. What he was wearing before getting lost and now, was very different. When he left he was wearing a V-neck t-shirt, some tight Jeans, and his Designer trainers. Now he was only in his boxer shorts, which showed his pot-belly, and he had took out the laces of his shoes and tied his hair up, which usually lay just below his shoulders.

Ross was having a good life. He was born in Egypt and lived their 20 years. When he was 20 he learned English, got a visa and moved to London. Egypt was very different to London, so it took a year to get used to it. At the age of 21 he got a job as a cleaner at a very cheesy hotel, and he started to enjoy his life in London. When he was 23 he met his girlfriend and was happily with her for two years, until she suggested to go to his hometown, and he decided that was the perfect way to show off, which ended up him being lost.

Ross now wanted to cry. He now felt hot, sweaty, scared and frustrated. He hated his girlfriend for leaving him like this, but he wished she would come back and take him back to the hotel feeling safe and happy.

Ross looked at his map one more time and realized he was heading the wrong way. He was so annoyed he shouted, "Damn." and he then turned around going back to where he started. Ross would be lucky if he got home before nightfall, but that probably wouldn't happen.

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Fourth Assignment: Write a post on the following scenario.
Setting: Someone close to you is in the hospital
Focus: Really get into your character's head and focus on the emotions that your character is feeling. Also don't forget to include a bit of background information and character description! Good luck!