Sebastian Rivers' Journal (Do not read!)

Okay, so… I’m finally writing in this journal now, after four years of carrying it around untouched.

Here’s why:

My brother Kyle and I turn 14 years old today. On our 10th birthday, my sister gave me this journal book, and I have been carrying it around until today, without ever writing on it. Today is different, because on this birthday… My sister isn’t here.
Her death was not the worst type of death. It was quick, clean, she probably didn’t even feel it, or saw it coming. Neither did my brother and me. We were standing not too far from her when it happened. We were just outside the house, doing some sparring, when I noticed the girl that was knocking on the door. She looked harmless and seemed lost. I didn’t pay her any mind when I saw her get in the house.

However, hours passed and the girl didn’t come outside again. Kyle wondered if she would be staying. We were, at that point, simply curious and not one bit concerned. We were wrong, dead wrong. We walked into the house to find Kathryn dead on the floor, her throat slit, and a white rose laid gently over her body. That gesture still puzzles me, it wasn’t an act of remorse. I don’t know what it was. This cold blooded killer, this monster, took the time to close my sister’s eyes and leave her a flower. Why?
Kyle says it doesn’t matter. The reasons don’t matter. Still… I can’t stop myself from thinking.

That was how my brother and I ended up by ourselves in the cold city of Blackpond. Getting tossed in an orphanage was the worst part, that place was just awful, but we escaped it, repeatedly. During our latest escape, Kyle got himself in trouble, a couple of weeks ago.
Kyle found out where the girl who killed Kathy was from, and busted into the Inn owned by the assassin group shouting insults and threatening to burn it down. This man named Gerald was the one who rescued him. He didn’t say it, but it was clear that he was scouting the place. We were never told exactly what for.
Kyle showed up in the place we had been camping, a moldy storage room of an abandoned shop, later that day and introduced me to this man. He told us about the Wolfpack, what they were and what they did. He told us that he was part of a group devoted to end them once and for all. He then asked if we wanted to meet his leader and we didn’t hesitate.

Now it has been almost a full month. We got to know the rest of the group a little bit better. Sarah is a little bit of a dysfunctional mother figure (hopefully she will never read this), she's usually kind and patient with the both of us but even in those moments she is somewhat intimidating, to me at least. She talks very little of herself and it seems like the only thing she lives for is killing assassins. Nothing else matters as much. I mean, I can tell she cares for us all, but I think that if she has to choose between letting a Pack member live or dying in the process of taking him down... She won't hesitate to die.

Johanna is a little bit less impressive of a figure than Sarah, and I am yet to figure her out. She is a little bit quiet, not shy… Just not much of a talker. She smiles a lot though and acts kind towards everyone (a little more towards Gerald, I’ve noticed). Even though it doesn’t look like it, she’s the stealthiest person I’ve ever seen. Sometimes it seems like she literally appears out of nowhere.

Gerald… He frowns a lot and calls me and Kyle “boy” instead of using our names. He insults us and puts us down every time we make a mistake; he’s actually good at doing that. Still I know he acts a lot meaner than he really is. He puts up a very good front, but his eyes deceive him. He is also a very smart guy, taught us that we should always be one step ahead and that we should know our enemies before we can successfully defeat them. He taught us a lot about the Wolfpack, how they function, how they think… He seems to always be willing to teach us something, either we are willing to listen to him or not. I usually am though.

Well, that’s it for this first entry. It’s almost time for supper, I think. I caught a glimpse of Johanna reading over my shoulder just now. I saw nothing when I looked, but she usually finds me wherever I’m hiding when it’s time for supper.

I enjoyed writing this, I might write some more one of those days.

Sebastian Rivers

We accompanied Gerald on a hunt last night. It wasn’t what we thought it would be, Gerald took out a twelve year old kid and his Instructor. Kyle asked why he had to kill the kid and Gerald said that once they start training they’re wolves and they can’t be changed. He said that it’s just better to kill them off early than to have them come back for revenge in a year or two. It’s not pretty, but it makes sense.

Still, the walk back home was silent.

Gerald left us by ourselves and, not long after he left us, Sarah came to see us. She asked how the hunt had gone. Kyle freaked out completely. He started screaming that what Gerald did was murder and it made us no better than them… And many other things that I never thought I’d hear out of his mouth. Sarah simply stood there watching him with ice cold expression until he finally finished throwing his fit, at which point she turned to me and asked if I felt the same way.

“I don’t know.” That was all I could manage to say. I really didn’t know what to think. The girl who killed Kathy was innocent looking, and didn’t seem much older than Kyle and me. I couldn’t possibly say that those kids wouldn’t pose as a threat.
Sarah nodded, showing a little amusement in her expression. “You two need to decide if you are willing to do whatever it takes, because I have no time to waste on you otherwise.” She said. “But do hold on to these feelings. If you decide to stay with us, soon you’ll barely remember what it’s like to feel remorse.”

We didn’t join the others for supper tonight, which caused Johanna to come after us with food. She told us it was alright. “We all go through it eventually.” That was the longest sentence I’ve heard out of her so far. Even so, she seems to be the person I relate to the best around here. Some of her silences are more expressive than a thousand words. I’ve come to appreciate those silences. I think people take silence for granted. I think silent moments can tell you more about a person than a thousand words combined. If you care to pay attention, that is. I think she might have lost a child, or younger sibling… She seems to make it her personal mission to take care of Kyle and me. I’m not going to ask her about it though, there’s no reason for that.

I’ve been watching people, like Gerald advised me to. I started watching him, actually. I know that he tries to hide underneath the insults he shoots at us when we are being “insolent little brats” or something of the sorts. He is a very protective individual though, and is just the best way he knows to protect us. He is different with Johanna, however. He’s constantly looking around to see where she is and sometimes if we hear noises while we are walking a trail he will put himself in front of her as a shield. To me it’s like he is constantly terrified something will happen to her. If he was an enemy, it would be easy to get to him through her.

Sarah… I think, she’s afraid of being left alone. She’d rather be the first to jump into a battle because if something goes wrong, she doesn’t get to lose another person again. That makes her vulnerable in a way. Gerald told us that the Wolfpack killed her entire family, one by one, over a period of five years. It made her a little paranoid I think. I don’t blame her; I can’t imagine what it must be like to feel the pain of losing a loved one over and over again for years. I can’t think of a way to survive something like that. Yet, she has survived it somehow… I can’t help but admire her for that as well.

Suppose I’ve rambled on here long enough. It’s the middle of the night and I wasted a whole day hiding by myself. Kyle ate his dinner and fell asleep not soon after… I haven’t been able to yet. There’s too much on my mind.

I’d like to be able to be a better Hunter, but… I’m not sure I want to forget what it’s like to feel remorse. To me it's just a way of saying that we won't be able to feel anything anymore. It's a frightening thought, in my opinion. However, every choice comes with a price. All I need to decide is if this is all worth the price. I can't really know yet, but whatever decision I make... I'll pay for it when the time comes. Because one way or another, at some point, we all must pay.

I should probably try to sleep now. Gerald won’t care if I’m not well rested when he comes to wake us up.

Sebastian Rivers

I remember little of my parents nowadays. Random moments of wisdom they shared, a song or two out of the hundreds my mother used to hum as she wandered the house… Things like that. What I remember the most, however, was something my father used to say on a regular basis, something that stuck with me, a thought that won’t leave me no matter what I do.

“Life is made of light and darkness…” He’d say. “…And we’re nothing but shadows passing through.”

Whoever comes to read this one day might see this as amusing, but… I’ve spent a lot of time trying to figure out what exactly this means or, most importantly, what my father meant by it. I understand that I might never know for sure, but it keeps me constantly thinking of shadows and what they can possibly represent.

Talking about it with Gerald, he gave me a riddle to which the answer was shadow. Can’t remember it correctly right now, but it says something about how shadows cause no harm and feel no pain. So, I think my father was saying that our existence is meaningless when compared to some greater picture and in reality we don’t really affect anything. If that’s the case then… Well… I can’t, for the life of me, agree with him. Because, let’s face it, a shadow is nothing more than the impression of something else. So, by that logic, we’re not even real, we’re, well… the impression of something else. I’m sorry, by I like to give myself more credit than that.

Not that I think my personal existence is more important that the greater picture, assuming there actually is one, but I believe that unlike shadows, we affect everything we touch. We are also easily affected, if not broken, when touched by others (in a metaphorical sense, mind you). I don’t know if there is even an accurate comparison to be made here, I’m just trying to make sense out of this.

On the other hand, my father also stated that life was made of light and darkness… So maybe what he meant is that, who we truly are is a reflection of the life we lead.

Like I said, I may never know for sure what he meant. I doubt I’ll ever be able to have the exact same thoughts that went through his mind at the time. Still, for some reason I can’t stop thinking about it. Maybe it’s because it forces me to think of him again.

It’s late now… Everyone is asleep, maybe I should sleep too. I’m finally going to hunt tomorrow. Gerald will be there too, but only in case I mess it up. I don’t plan on it, but we’ll see. I wouldn’t like Sarah to think that she’s wasting her time on me, or that I’m wasting my time training for something I won’t be able to do.

No use thinking about it. Whatever happens tomorrow… happens; Might as well be well rested when it does.

Sebastian Rivers