Secrets Saved Her Life

Hello. This is my first forum post. Just letting you know. Anyways, I wrote a book a few months back and am currently working on the sequel, Treachery, but I need some feedback, etc, because my editor is slow on replying, and I am very antsy. Okay. These are the first 2 chapters. Here we go.


Chapter 1

It was a cold day.
Bursts of wind rushed through
the town square, papers flying
out from children’s half-open
bags and swirling up into the sky.
Caroline surveyed the scene with
a smirk, flicking her wrist up
twice. The wind ceased, and
papers fell from the sky, boy
and girls of all ages rushing to
pick them up.
“Ha, ha.” A familiar
voice said, and Caroline turned
around to face Vincent, a boy
from school. He, like many,
knew of her ability to control the
weather. She smiled sweetly at
him, trying not to smile, but her
eyes gave her away. She started
to laugh, clutching at her sides as
Vincent Marcellus watched, an
eyebrow raised. Caroline was tall
and thin, with long, brown hair
and green eyes, a hint of freckles
on her pale face
Today she wore a thin
black knit sweater, and a
long, dramatic red skirt flowing
around her ankles. Combat boots
held her small feet, and a white
scarf was carelessly wrapped
around her neck. Caroline clutched a small black notebook to her chest, sheltering it from curious eyes.
The notebook held secrets only her long dead parents knew. Secrets of her past, of her mysterious powers. She always seemed to be holding it, as Vincent noticed. Vincent was the complete opposite of Caroline. He had longish curly blonde hair, deep set blue eyes, and pale lips. He wore only bright colors, as demonstrated by his clothing that day.
Bright blue skinny
jeans, a yellow shirt, and neon
green converse shoes gave him a
mannequin’s look, and Caroline
could just imagine him in one of
the many shop windows that
lined the town square, staring
down at the rest of the world
from his high perch.


The girls at Caroline’s
high school had yet to realize that
Vincent Marcellus was a snob,
and he wasn’t planning on
changing anytime soon.
“What?” Caroline replied coolly,
smoothing down her hair.
She hated to admit it, but
Vincent was kinda… cute.
“Oh, you know, your
weather thing that you can do.
It’s real funny.” Vincent took a
step towards her, a step that
would have made any other girl
faint, but Caroline stood her
ground.
“ And how so?” She said,
smiling at him.
“Well, for starters, it messed up
my hair.” He said, pointing to his
head. Yep. Vincent Marcellus
was a total snob.

















Chapter 2


When Caroline woke
up, the sky was gray and sheets
of rain were
pouring down, rattling the roof
of her small apartment.
Caroline lived in the state of
Wardrian, a small state in the
continent of Balder. Wardrian
consisted of lush green forests,
a few big cities, and small
towns. Caroline lived in the
suburbs of Wardrian, a tiny
town consisting of big log houses, shops and markets, an
old stone fountain, and old
apartments made of wood and
tin, such as the one where
Caroline lived. She covered her
eyes at the dim light coming
from behind the curtains, and
shivered as a slight breeze from
the slightly ajar window drifted
over and up to the ceiling.
Standing up, she
stretched her long arms and
pulled on a silk bathrobe, then
padded off to go take a shower.
The apartment was big, and
contained all wooden furniture
from her old house. In the
kitchen, an old fashioned oven
was plunked down in the
corner, a small cluttered table
covered in fruit and drawings
sat in the center. The living
room had a small green couch,
a stained coffee table, and a
television set. Caroline
wrapped a long black towel
around her body and got
dressed.
A pale blue dress,
white pearls, and black flats
were selected, and, satisfied
with her reflection in the
antique mirror in her bed room,
she plopped down at the
kitchen table with a mug of
coffee and a piece of toast.
Caroline shuffled through the
papers and pushed aside an
apple, an orange, and a moldy
piece of bread, looking for the
Notebook.
“What the-
She started, her brows
furrowed in confusion. The black Notebook, the book that
held the secrets of her powers,
of her parents, the Notebook
that contained her whole life,
was gone.

Sorry it's kinda wierd looking, my format is being stupid. :(
Anyways, hope you likey!

your chapters are incredibly short for a book of sorts, also when copy/pasting there is a guide somewhere on this site... ahh here it is, remind me to thank Sato for the pure genius.
need-know-the-writing-subforum-t68594.html#p1612167

Also you are neglecting to add details and background with character development. When I read it it was pretty much "BAM! this is what happens, these are my people." As a reader it can be confusing. The character descriptions are a little hardcore too. Instead of writing them off the bat or getting a brief intro out of the way and then slamming them on the table you should ease into it.

This guide may or may not help you http://www.wattpad.com/3167971-tips-for ... well/intro