Post #1803393 in Our Second Selves, a roleplay on RPG

Maybe it was foolish to allow herself to become so very overwhelmed by memories of a life long since passed, maybe it was. Yet still, the things that she recalled, that all-consuming isolation Kassia had felt. . . . In her whole nineteen years, Evande had never felt anything quite like that, nothing so very miserable, though she could connect quite well to the pain, it was easy when you had endured six years of remoteness from the world yourself. Though a mere six years was, it was nothing compared to a lifetime of it. . . . But then, Kassia’s life was hers, wasn’t it? All of the memories locked in her skull were technically hers, right? They were the recollections of a life that ended decades ago, but, they were still hers.

Everything from Kassia’s life was laced with strong emotions, sentiments and feelings that simply overtook the woman’s better sense, even cutting through the embarrassment she felt at . . . practically clinging onto her alter. And, considering that embarrassment was something that normally completely overpowered Evande, that was saying something about the power held in the things she remembered.

She remained as she had been, using one of her hands to cradle Nikolas’ head to her shoulder, the other gripping onto his shirt tightly, tears still falling down her cheeks from the sense that she was going to be all alone once more. Her brown eyes had shut while a simple expression of downheartedness remained upon her face, her heartbeat had quelled, yet the feeling of anxiety remained within. However, when Nikolas began to stir, sort of nuzzling her shoulder with his head while wrapping his arms around her middle, her eyes opened with slight shock, heart jumping to her throat. He was awake, and he was going to be all right it seemed.

That alone was enough to begin peeling away at the hold Kassia’s memories had on her existence; the feeling of relief awoke in Evande, as the fear of him vanishing had lessened with the memories of Nori’s demise, of being left alone. As Evande’s better senses began to return to her, her awareness purified of the taint brought by the recollections of a past life, a rather dazed look overtook the otaku’s face. ”Don’t cry.” she heard Nikolas say.

Cry? she questioned, the sensation of warm tears trickling down her face registered in her mind. Her first coherent thought, I’m . . . crying. A dull ache formed in the depths of her stomach as she realized that, part of her felt sort of numb though, as if nothing was really being made clear in that confused head of hers. When Nikolas’ forehead pressed against the side of her neck though, Evande snapped out of this dazed state as what she was doing, what had happened came back to her.

The woman’s face flushed a more apparent shade of red as she realized . . . she was holding onto Nikolas, "I don't want you to cry. I'm not leaving, so don't cry." And, he was holding onto her. She felt him pat her back, trying to comfort her as he still thought that she was upset by Kassia’s memories.

Really though, at this point, Evande was more simply mortified at herself, sure, she had hugged Nikolas earlier that day, but that was to comfort him after he had told her the morbid reality of one of his past lives. This time around, she’d . . . she’d latched onto him herself without proper reason. Even haunted by pain, Evande couldn’t completely believe that she had gone and actually. . . . She found herself shaking with embarrassment, unable to form any thoughts beyond ones that reprimanded herself for letting this happen. Nikolas was her second self, as she was to him, but he was still an existence separate from her, and what had Evande gone and done? Gotten super clingy to him when she barely knew anything regarding his past or life.

Two days ago, Evande started thinking, Just two days ago I could not have been in a situation that was more opposite of this. The tears had ceased falling at this point, and she did not move to try to stop holding onto Nikolas. Everything’s flipped over hasn’t it? I mean, I’m clinging onto someone; a guy no less! Even if I’ve got some abnormal connection to him, I’m still. . . . Really, the situation was a bit on the funny side, like ironic funny, when you looked at it from the way Evande was. She was suppose to be an anti-social otaku, someone who did not want anything to do with anyone at all, preferring fictional things to reality. As she had been for the last six years, she should have been immersed in a manga or something, lost in roleplaying, or reading fanfiction; playing a video game even-! And yet, where was she? In the apartment of a guy who was apparently suppose to be another part of her, with him more or less lying on her.

This was so not how things were suppose to be going for her this weekend. She was suppose to just come home, feed Kiseki and then go about doing her usual routine of manga, anime, games and Internet life. . . . Stay inside for three days, and then go back to her workweek with the pigs at her job.

That was suppose to be her life, she was never ever going to wind up in a situation like this. At least, that’s what I always told myself. she sighed softly as Panda edge onto her lap. Evande had thought that if she avoided people, that she could avoid the problems they brought with them. Maybe she could have had a very peaceful life if she just stuck it out on her own, and didn’t try to make friends again. That was what she had desired, a simple life without problems.

Of course, Fate had seemingly decided that things were not going to be so straightforward for her. The things that happened in her manga, to her favorite characters, they weren’t not meant to happen to her, but they were. Evande was caught up in something she couldn’t explain, and in so far deep that there was no backing out of it now without someone getting hurt. Sure, honestly, the otaku wouldn’t have entirely minded going back to her ordinary life, manga and such, but . . . she couldn’t lock her heart up again, and keep herself so far from the world. If she went back to living like she had and shoved Nikolas out of her life now, forcibly cut the ties they now had, it would hurt. Even though it hadn’t even been a full two days, Evande knew she had formed a bond with her alter that went deeper than just their pre-established connections.

If she made an attempt to sever that connection, and return to her normality, that would mean returning to her ways of isolation. Not talking to people, to anyone, ignoring the weird, and being alone. Meaning, I would have to pretend Nikolas didn’t exist. she thought, shutting her eyes. Returning to her average life meant she would have to act like none of the last day or so had ever happened, And, I don’t think I could do that. Doing that, acting like none of his had occurred. . . . It wasn’t something Evande was capable of anymore. If it meant having to be alone again, and if it meant . . . possibly hurting Nikolas, Evande knew she couldn’t up and make her life go back to normal, not now.

The notion of being alone again caused the pain from Kassia’s memories to stir up a bit in her mind, and sent a dull ringing of protest through the otaku’s body, at which she found herself wincing against. I really can’t go back. Evande realized this, even though she had known for a while now that there was truly no turning back against this. . . . The whole weight of the situation finally was settling in upon her shoulders. It, it actually scared her to think about having to return to being alone again, to cut Nikolas from her life. With Kassia’s memories backing up her fears, Evande was truly unable to ever revert to her old ways again. Understanding this, Evande suddenly felt very heavy, she felt weak to the world. Vulnerable and ill equipped to face what lay ahead of her because there was more to worry about than herself now. She had someone she was going to hold concern for.

It felt like her heart had dropped into her stomach again as these sentiments fully surfaced within her; the feeling was a nervous one, scary, since she was so used to being on her own. But, being on her own was in the past, looking at where she was now, that much was obvious. If she were really, truly mortified of having Nikolas as close to her as he was . . . Evande would have made some motion to get him off her, and abruptly apologize for her actions instead of musing over the situation and her feelings while still clinging to the boy.

During all of her musings, Evande had missed Nikolas asking her about what had sent her into tears, and seeing if she wanted to talk about it . . . as well as him mimicking a voice she wouldn’t have known about his hair getting too long. She still couldn’t see greatly, her glasses were still on the kotatsu next to her, and everything looked rather fuzzy, which might not have been the worst thing in the world right now. Evande had a sinking feeling that if she could see correctly, she’d be completely overwhelmed by her embarrassment at being able to actually see Nikolas being so close to her. The otaku was unlucky with her eyesight; up close or far away, everything was out of focus, she was neither farsighted nor nearsighted. ”Not leaving.” Nikolas said, finally breaking Evande from her thoughts.

She jumped a bit, as she came back to reality. Her eyes went to him, face going stark red as she remembered the reality of her situation, yet she sighed softly and just let it go on by. . . . Evande was already sure that this was not the last time this would be happening to her, so she was going to have to get used to it or else risk having a permanently red face. While not a clingy person in any form, even when tired, the pink-haired woman wasn’t exactly a touch-me-not, but she still wasn’t all for being close constantly. Nikolas seemed to be rather like this at the moment though, maybe because he was half-asleep or something. Whatever . . . even if I’m not one who really likes much physical contact, normally, I don’t think this one time will do me in. she exhaled in slight defeat, moving the hand that had been cradling her alter’s head against her, and wrapping it back around his middle, holding onto him with both of her arms.

It was then she heard . . . something. The slight latching of a door; seemed Ryu was back, though it also seemed like he was trying to be really quiet. Evande acted as if she did not know the man had entered the domicile, and simply remained as she had been, quiet. She would not speak until she heard him leave; though it took a few minutes, Evande finally did hear the front door shut again, and with that she let out a breath, relaxing a bit.

Shutting her eyes, Evande tightened her arms around Nikolas a bit, and rested her forehead against his shoulder, a very small smile going unseen on her face as she began to speak, timidly. “I . . . suppose it’s sort of funny. What I’m doing right now, letting myself be this close to anyone, you’re a part of me, like you said, so you know what I mean, I guess.”

“I dreamt of a life where I was called ‘Kassia’ tonight, Nikolas.” She told him quietly, “And I felt everything she had. The pain of losing the one she loved, the isolation she put herself through after that. . . .” Sorrow began to lace her voice, “And I know something because of those things, I know that I can’t. . . .” Evande’s voice wavered as she found herself unable to finish.

Even if it seemed silly, Evande wasn’t able to finish relaying her realization to him as she was, not in her native tongue. Earlier, he had understood her speaking in Hymmnos, that ridiculous fictional language from the Ar tonelico manga. . . . ”Fou yant wa faf murfanare cietta na coall tou manafeeze how beng, Nikolas.” (Even though I am a little scared, I will tolerate this frightening feeling, because I cannot return to living like before, Nikolas.) she told him. “That would be selfish of me. Pretending like nothing had changed, and that I had never met you, that would be selfish . . . and even the idea of it scares me.”

☼☼☼☼☼

Kiku heard Ryu sort of chide her for leaving her door unlocked, yeah, keys were invented for the purpose of unlocking things. But, the tone in his voice made the tiny woman smile a bit as she shook, still feeling weak like before. The tone in his voice was sort of deadpan, obvious, but it still made her smile. He hadn’t changed much since they were kids, had he? Okay, so he now had a hair-color that would make a flower envious, but Ryu was still pretty similar to how she remembered him as kids when it came to her. If ever she did something that could get herself hurt, he would always give her a little lecture at times, or just talk to her with that same tone of voice for a while.

How could she have not realized that he was the boy from her past before? God, she was a fool wasn’t she? So wrapped up in her own thoughts that she had made herself build up a fairytale version of him in her head, expecting perfection when what she had in her memories wasn’t perfect, but something she looked upon fondly. Those memories had sustained her as she went about being alone, being the prissy little thing that drove her family to request she move away from home for the purpose of ‘gaining life experience.’ Though Kiku didn’t doubt that side of her would return again soon, even when around Ryu, it would be okay, wouldn’t it? That had always been a part of her, even when she was a young girl. It didn’t drive him off then, and he had treated her like he always had even when she regarded him with disgust because of his appearance.

I really need to apologize to him. . . . she reminded herself as she realized they had entered her apartment. The air always smelled of cinnamon or vanilla in there due to Kiku’s love of potpourri, it was a telltale sign you had entered her dwelling. The air was warm in her home, as it always was, and the familiarity the smell of the air had for her made her want to relax a bit. Though, she groaned a bit as Ryu moved her off his back and onto her bed due to some slight aches she was developing in her joints. Feeling the comfort of her bed beneath her, Kiku sighed and remained as she had been left, laying on her side limply. She remained in the outfit she had put together for the date she and Ryu were suppose to have gone on, face pale while her cheeks were red.

Quietly, the brunette opened her eyes when she felt his hand on her forehead again, checking her for a temperature. "Kiku, is there anything you need?" she heard him ask her, his voice quiet and serious, concerned within it. Hearing this, Kiku just gave him a weak smile, grateful for his treatment when she probably didn’t deserve it. ”Wait here.” he told her before suddenly leaving.

Honestly, at this Kiku let out a weak laugh that was quiet, smiling to herself as she coughed, Wait here? Oh Ryu, where would I be able to even go in this state?

The tsundere didn’t move as she waited quietly, letting her body sort of sink into her too-soft mattress as she did her best to relax, taking in measured breaths as she ruminated again. Where was her life going now? She had joked around with Ryu earlier, made a comment that had an obvious second meaning to it, causing him to just go beet red in the face. It startled the man, hearing her say something like that, almost keeping him from any rebuttal. Kiku had noted that it had taken him more than just a few moments to respond with his comment about them going on a date. Sure, she was positive that was suppose to fluster her and make her just as embarrassed as she had gotten him . . . but he had at least seemed serious enough about it when they had actually tried to leave.

What was that suppose to mean? Did he still care for her like . . . that? Maybe he did. It wasn’t like Kiku wouldn’t have minded that, even if she herself was not in any way in love with Ryu . . . she wouldn’t have minded if he still cared about her like that, it might have been nice. Obviously, she still cared for him herself. Regardless, where is all of this suppose to lead? she asked herself, deep red eyes shut to the world. He’s come back into my life now, but, but where is my life going to go now?

Before she could think anymore, she heard her front door open again, and something being set down in her ‘kitchen,’ which was just a part of the entranceway, the appliances all lined up against the wall next to the front door. Upon hearing him return, Kiku forced her eyes open and moved them to see the violet-haired boy coming back into her room with a smile on his face, carrying something with him. "Hey, Kiku, I brought my guitar! Remember when you used to sing for me when I played my guitar?" he asked her, laughing a bit. Hearing him say that, reminding her of their old antics, of her terrible singing as a child, Kiku smiled a bit and laughed before shaking with a small cough. She used to love singing, though she had been really bad at it.

Exhaling softly, she heard Ryu testing the strings on his guitar, making sure everything was tuned properly so whatever he was going to play wouldn’t sound completely butchered. Kiku watched him with a nostalgic smile, and listened to him play a tune she wasn’t familiar with, singing part of the song. He wasn’t a great singer, just like her, and Kiku was sure he had gotten a few of the chords wrong, but the gesture was more than appreciated, it was very sweet. And sort of old-school, and a little cliché of him. . . . But Kiku kind of liked that.

After a little while, he stopped playing before he spoke again. ”You hungry? I'm gonna make soup. It's like this type that the Japanese military used to eat years ago to replenish strength."

Kiku coughed some again as she tried to muster up some strength to speak, “I-I could eat. . . .” she said timidly, voice weak and slightly hoarse. “Th-Thank you, for what you’re doing. . . . And I mean everything here, not just offering me something to eat.”

Snippet #1803393

located in Japan, a part of Our Second Selves, one of the many universes on RPG.

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