Start of my story, please tell me what you think

Himataru12 · **Tips:** 0.00 INK by **Himataru12** on Sun Jan 03, 2010 11:34 pm

In the beginning of this world there were 6 sages each of a different element. There were 5 elements. Fire, water, earth, wind, ice, and electricity. They do this by controlling the very atoms and energy that make up these elements. Each of these sages used their powers to form a planet “earth.” They kept their presence secret to the creatures of the planet waiting for them to evolve into more advance creatures. Then came the early humans which triggered there never ending curiosities. The early humans then kept evolving until they then became like the modern humans of today. The “elementals” then slowly but surely showed the presence. When the elementals had become friends with the humans they started to discriminate against them. They starts to force them out of there society. The humans feared the elementals power and then tried to kill them. But then the elementals broke and finally attacked back this triggered a war that would topple over all other wars, the 6 hells war had began.
This war lasted over 50 years. 5 million people dead and 2 of the elementals had seemed to disappear. Seeing all the deaths of the creatures they helped form they decided it was a pointless war which most wars are. They decided to fake their own disappearances. For creatures of their intelligence it was fairly easy to do this. They pretended to seal themselves inside a secret underground temple. Now they wait until the person who lives with the humans comes and shows himself.
(( I havn't typed the rest of my story that I have so far but i will soon and post it.))

BlackWings · **Tips:** 0.00 INK by **BlackWings** on Sun Jan 03, 2010 11:45 pm

I think it's great, keep writing it it's just a good idea for a story, I'll come back when you post more of it :D!

True_Grave · **Tips:** 0.00 INK by **True_Grave** on Mon Jan 04, 2010 1:19 am

To me, this seems like one giant anime-ish cliche'. I mean, the whole thing about a war between two races, which often involves mystical power, is something that has been done over and over and over again in both Western and Far Eastern societies, more specifically, the USA and Japan. The whole thing about them looking for the "one" only cements my point. You have a promising idea, don't get me wrong, but your set-up needs more work.

For one, why did the humans push the elementals away? Was it over intelligence or power? Or was it simply that the two had such differing societal goals that they could not live together? Also, wars are generally not ended through logic until the battle coems to a stand still because of a lack of supplies and/or weapons. Then again, throw in the magic power, and it could be a simple case of not wishing to overuse their power and die. This would be another cliche" idea, but at least it would explain why the war ended so quickly. My point is that you need to try and not make your idea so a carbon copy of so many other ideas if you plan to publish it. Publishers are always looking for a new angle, so try to make it a bit different, change it up somehow. That's my advice, anyway.

MoonMan · **Tips:** 0.00 INK by **MoonMan** on Mon Jan 04, 2010 4:59 pm

What Grave said and I'd like to add upon it as well,

At the start of this poorly written intro you said there are 6 sages, one for each element. Fair enough. Then you proceed to name FIVE elements and neglect to ever mention Mr.6 ever again.

Another thing, this war stuff makes no sense. Judging from your "story" humanity isn't all that old in this stage, yet there's enough of them to fight for fifty years against over-powered cliche'd superbeings, losing their numbers by 5,000,000. Do you realise how many people that actually is? Or do you just say random numbers? Why would humanity put themselves into a pointless war that has literally no reason behind it (largely because you're clearly to lazy to come up with one, or just unable to find a good enough cliche despite the fact you've used so many before) and almost wipe themselves out. No species would purposefully do that. Especially humans.

Seriously, please, do us a favour and rewrite this with less cliches, with it being better thought out, and with it making more -- no, any -- sense.

Himataru12 · **Tips:** 0.00 INK by **Himataru12** on Mon Jan 04, 2010 5:14 pm

Thank you for your comments so far.and also the 6 sages thing and then turns to 5 is a typo i forgot to fix. I Have just started writing this story and im still trying to become a better writer. And i know its no excuse but im only 14 and im still learning alot about writing.

Selene Hime · **Tips:** 0.00 INK by **Selene Hime** on Mon Jan 04, 2010 7:29 pm

Himataru12 wrote:Thank you for your comments so far.and also the 6 sages thing and then turns to 5 is a typo i forgot to fix. I Have just started writing this story and im still trying to become a better writer. And i know its no excuse but im only 14 and im still learning alot about writing.

If you'd like, I could offer critiques here and there. I myself am only fifteen, but I'm planning a novel too - And have only improved because of critiques, tips, and more writing. Keep going. You'll get better. Just keep in mind that everyone has room for improvement, not just beginning authors. ^_^

Edit: Oh yes, cannot leave out commentary on your idea.

So far, as Moon Man has said, your general idea has been done a fair few times. I would also suggest changing things around, and spicing it up with more originality. What started this war? Discrimination is a big thing, but not enough to completely start annihilating a race. What happened to start egging on feelings of negativity, and what was the final straw?

Also, try to make sure your characters are not just roles. Show us the person inside of the role. Make the reader feel like they're real people. I know that you haven't started posting yet, but that in itself is a big thing in writing.

However, you do have some promise and potential in your general idea. Take advantage of that, and you could get a very nice saga going. ^_^

spider87 · **Tips:** 0.00 INK by **spider87** on Fri Jan 08, 2010 8:42 am

Himataru12 wrote:Thank you for your comments so far.and also the 6 sages thing and then turns to 5 is a typo i forgot to fix. I Have just started writing this story and im still trying to become a better writer. And i know its no excuse but im only 14 and im still learning alot about writing.

I agree that it's pretty cliche but I still like the idea. I would probably read it if it continued on, even if it was the same as every other story, simply because I love these kinds of stories.

I did notice, however, the same thing that was mentioned above about the 6 sages and 5 elements. I know you said it was a typo but, you CAN edit posts on here.

Start of my story, please tell me what you think

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