My story

I stand there, watching as the image of me drives into hundreds of enemies, tearing into them savagely. I view the image almost in third person as I watch him, me, drive into the enemy ranks. I keep thinking that he should be dead by now, that I should be dead by now but he keeps on pushing on, driven by an unseen force. Wounds cover his body, red blood seeping out of every single cut.

His thick brown hair is clotted with blood and his face is covered in cuts and blood, both that of his own and his enemies. There is something about the way he moves that keeps me unable to look away, just something about the massacre that fascinates me and ignites a lust to be out there with him, hacking at my enemies no matter how numerous.

The lines almost split into two around him as I stand there watching, fixated on the display of speed, grace, balance and raw power. I wonder how could this man be me, how could this beast of a man be me? He looks just like me and he moves in the movements I have practiced a hundred times before but never in a million years would I have thought that I may be able to accomplish them with such a refined edge. Never would I have thought that I would be able to tear through the ranks with such ease.

He appears almost like a demon to me, his face remains calm and his body unchallenged. His blue eyes show neither struggle nor fear; he has lost himself almost completely to his blood lust, giving in to his madness and what ever force drives him, good or evil I do not know and nor do I care I find as I stand there as I know that no matter what is giving him such strength and power must be beyond anything any mortal being can comprehend.

I watch as the masses are quickly cut down, he was moving to his only private beat, keeping time with all those attacking him. He blocks a single slash, kicks the man sending him backwards and his sword comes in lightning fast, slicing the opponents’ neck to his side before driving it into the throat of the one before him. Another bears down on him only to find the fine blade puncturing his stomach. He is alone in there but yet he appears unbothered by the numbers as he knows that he is the only hope that is left for his people, for the people fighting another battle about four kilometers from him.

He has killed many and knows that his only hope is to make it to the end, to make it to the leader, knowing that if he dies the others will scatter and fall back in retreat. He is only about five hundred meters away now yet his path is obstructed by hundreds of soldiers, all of which are human. He slowly but surely closed in on the leader of this army. When he was close enough he cleared the path and leaped towards the man, sword pulled back in an attempt to finish the man quickly only for it to be batted aside and the hilt of his blade to bash him in the stomach before throwing him to the ground.

He moved towards me, mumbling a few undecipherable words before going to end it. I lay there, hopeless as his sword goes to drive into my lung and I awake with a startled cry. ‘Was that just a dream’ I thought to myself and sigh, before going to stand up. I spot an unknown figure standing before me. “That was not a dream young one, but a vision of what is to come, now come, I have much to show you and much to teach you,” he said and with those few words he walked out the door. I looked about reluctantly for a moment before following, having no idea of the trials that a wait me.

Wow. What a powerful set of images. My mind was immediately brought to some of the more tragic, epic scenes in 300 with just waves upon waves of soldiers swarming this way and that, only to be cut down with a few slow-motion spear/sword thrusts.

However, the initial few sentences were a bit rough for me.

I stand there, watching as the image of me drives into hundreds of enemies, tearing into them savagely. I view the image almost in third person as I watch him, me, drive into the enemy ranks.

It's a bit weird, writing in first person and having your first person character .. then describe his third person self, isn't it? Lots of hoops to jump through and such. I think you had an idea in your head of what you wanted to get across, but then when it came time to make words, they sort of got jumbled. At least, that's my impression. If you can read through that first sentence (aloud, mind! And if you don't want to embarrass yourself reading it aloud then at least say it in your head!) without stopping or tripping up, them I might have to eat my words. To me, however, the phrasing is a bit off. I stand there, watching myself drive into hundreds of enemies, tearing them apart savagely -- I'm watching him, me, dive into these ranks.

^that's just how I'd do it. You don't need to say the phrase 'third-person' because we already know it's in third-person just by your saying 'him' or by saying 'myself'. Unnecessary words, see? Away with your chaff!

But back to the work as a whole! I did enjoy it. As I said, you set up a powerful set of images and once the first few lines were bypassed, this really did flow well. The ending at first seemed cheesy, but once it settled in a bit I thought it would make a kick-ass introduction to a boy-meets-supernatural story, or even a video game of sorts!

This is a good length for a short blurb like this. I also like that why the protagonist is seeing himself isn't exactly explained.

Please, even if you don't post more in this topic, post more in the subforum as a whole! I'd love to see more of your work!