Untitled [would really like feedback!]

So my college roommate and I are co-writing a story that, for right now, does not have a title. We've plotted a lot of what we want to happen and what not, but we could really use some feedback! I'll post a chapter once we finish the draft of it! Mind you, since it is a draft; there are a lot of grammatical and structural errors.

Chapter One: No Looking Back

Blood boiling, sweat spewing from her pores, she could feel every beat of her heart inside her eardrums, pulsing and pounding. Each beat ricocheted through her skull like the booming bass at a heavy techno concert. Except, this was no concert. Her palms were beading sweat causing her hands to slide against the metal surface she was on. Relying on her knees to keep moving without slipping anymore, her ember green eyes searched the darkness in front of her. Hoping to see something other than a black void, a small hint of light seemed to grow out of nowhere, slowly doubling in size she could tell it was just up ahead. Except no matter how fast she moved it seemed as though she wasn’t getting any closer. Letting out a heavy puff of nervous, shaky air, she pressed onward until the small bit of light took form and grew into a shape that didn’t look as promising as she hoped.
She slowed down to further examine the light source, able to hear the sound of voices echoing lightly in the metal box they were all in. The sound of the others who had been following behind her faded away as they stopped as well. In front of her on the floor was a metal grate, one that would let airflow into what was most likely a room below. The continued sound of voices that drifted up towards her only solidified the thought. More fear pulsed through her blood as she sat still, peering down into the room below. She could feel her blood flow through even the smallest capillaries down into her hands and fingertips. They were so close, yet still so unbelievably far.
Without realizing, she had been holding her breath. She dragged in a slow, yet still shaky breath. Her heart nearly stopped when she saw what room they were traveling over, her eyes widening, more beads of sweat cascading down her temple. She rapidly turned her head, bright red locks slashing at the air as she raised a trembling finger to her lips, urging the others to be as quiet as possible. The sheer terror in her eyes caused what little noise there was behind her to cease, all of them understanding the severity of the situation.
Satisfied with the utter silence behind her, she turned back to the opening in front of her, ignoring the shaking of her arms and pounding of her heart. She was almost surprised that the people below her couldn’t hear the noise, the beating echoing in her ears. This whole thing could be over in a flash if they weren’t careful enough.
“But, Sir!” a person in the room down below was clearly distraught, his voice echoing out all through the metal vent. She risked leaning further over the vent, looking into the room below. She wasn’t able to see much, but she was highly familiar with the setting. There were two men, one in uniform standing in front of a desk, his face a mixture of fear and horror. He was meddling with his hands, and swaying slightly, almost as though he couldn’t keep still. Like he didn’t want to be there for another second longer. On the other hand, the other man in the room was seated behind the large mahogany desk, his composure one of complete calm. He, unlike the other person, was relaxed and leaning back in a large black leather chair. Not only was his expression relaxed, but his entire body was too. By the look on the uniformed man’s face, she was able to tell it was him who had spoken.“This is highly serious. We need to fix this right now-”.
“Everything is under control,” the man in chair interrupted, he spoke in a low, deep tone. His voice causing a shiver to run up and down her spine. She could tell, from the loud intake of breath from behind her, that she wasn’t the only one to react to that voice. None of them would ever be able to forget that voice, after all. “It’s okay, you are simply overreacting.” she saw the flustered man open his mouth to more than likely argue, but the man behind the desk raised his hand, silencing the uniformed man. “I will hear no more on the matter. Now, let us go and check out the scene, shall we?” he asked as he raised an eyebrow up at the guard. His piercing blue eyes locked onto the guard as he rose from his chair. This man wasn’t only a terrifying figure in a chair, but a tower. He stood maybe six foot five, and had broad enough shoulders you’d think he couldn’t make it through the door frame walking straight on. His sandy blonde hair that rested on his head in tight curls remained motionless as he stood. Slowly, from the distance she was at, she could see a small smile pull back the man’s cheeks ever so slightly. Her focus moved to the other man, who was biting his lip and still fiddling with his hands. Clearly uncomfortable with the whole thing, he merely nodded. With the matter settled, the man still standing behind the desk gestured towards the door, nodding for the other to make his way out. As soon as he turned to leave, the man behind the desk moved towards the door as what little smile there was, faded back into a cold hard face. He followed the guard out of the door, closing it almost silently behind him.
She waited all of thirty seconds before beginning her crawling once more with new found vigor. As soon as she began to move, she heard shuffling behind her, informing her that the others were following as well.

From the back of the group, and being the last person to make their way over the metal grate, he looked down into the room below. An antique red and white patterned carpet covered the entire floor. The dark oak walls surrounded the room apart from a chunk missing in one of the corners behind the desk. Underneath the oak walls was the regular white concrete bricks he’d counted the dents in from inside of his own cage in the main part of the building. The black leather chair looked almost brand new, and he could see a print remaining in the seat from the man who had just been sitting there. On the desk there was a stack of manila folders on the center. Counting the files, he saw seven. On the center of the top folder, there was something stamped in red across it. Scanning the desk further, he spotted the stamp itself, still sitting out on the desk like it had just been used. Something in his gut settled the wrong way, and he clenched his jaw. Rage boiled inside of his being, not a single part of him felt any other emotion. When he looked up, the group had made their way further down the vent system. He moved over the grate carefully, trying not to apply too much weight to it as he moved to catch up to the group.
Up ahead, the group took a hard right turn, but there must have been something else ahead that caused the last of them to not make it around the turn. Annoyance threatened to take over the anger inside of him, until he heard a voice. That girl who was leading them. The one he saw walking with the same man who sat behind the desk just a week or so earlier. Typically if you took a walk with that man, neither him or the person returned. He knew it was her voice though, even if he’d never heard her voice before. He was able to tell from the way he could smell her nerves tremble ever so lightly as the words rolled off of her tongue.
“We’ll have to be fast. Who knows when this thing is going to turn on.” Her voice echoed down the vents and settled into his ears causing him to clench his jaw again. His annoyance came back full force, only making his temper shorter. It was like she was only speaking to the group that was near her, and that had made it around the turn. Guess it was every man for themselves, I mean... That’s what he’d always thought, after all. He didn’t do groups, and this was probably the only exception. If it weren’t for these six, he wouldn’t be on his way to freedom, now would he?
“I’ll wait for everyone at the bottom, until the last person comes out. Whoever is last back there, let me know when you reach the ground.” She spoke and he could hear her moving again, next thing he knew he didn’t hear her at all. The person that must have been next in line started to move. The sound of their movements was rushed, he could smell how nervous everyone was. The stench filled his nose to the point he couldn’t smell anything else. That changed pretty fast when he felt a warm gust of air hit him. A smell he didn’t recognize mixed in with the nervousness he had been almost ready to choke on. This was a new smell, a new sensation in his nose that he’d never felt before. Or at least, not one that he’d had in a long while.
Instead of the musty air of what they’ve been breathing almost their entire lives, fresh, undisturbed air assaulted his senses. For once, his anger disappeared, a wide toothy grin tugging at his lips. Despite the need for silence, he sped up through the vents, seeing that there were only two people left in the vents; a girl with long brown hair and a boy who appeared to be in physical pain from the light that was shining into the vent. He himself had to blink a few times, used to the darkness of the vent and not the brightness of light. But physical pain? That was... different. The manor that he crawled in was odd as well, feeling the area in front of him before moving, checking to make sure all was clear. Once his eyes adjusted to the light, he scowled, his anger beginning to return. An immobile metal fan was partially blocking their escape. So that’s what the favorite meant about going before it started up.
The brown haired girl had already jumped out, the other boy getting closer and closer to the fan. His anger was only increasing more and more, his patience wearing thin. They were so close, and this idiot was taking his time. Pain or not, this was important. “Hey,” he growled out, his voice tight with anger and his eyes hard. “Wanna hurry it up there? You’re not the only one left, you know,” he informed the other boy, who by this point was sitting on the edge of their one escape, his legs dangling over the side. The smell of fresh air was almost overpowering by this point, and he wanted to get out and truly breathe it in, not just from this vent. The sounds of hurried voices outside reached his sensitive ears, panic just under the urgentness. Looks like he wasn’t the only one who wanted to get out of here.
The other boy scoffed, his shoulders rising and falling as he slowly turned the top half of his body around, his legs holding their position of dangling over the edge. He found his anger disappearing, yet again as he looked at the boy who was wasting precious time. The other boy’s face was one of complete calm, but he was able to see the anger and annoyance under that calmness, inside the boy’s near white eyes. It wasn’t the calmness that made him gasp, but rather how the white eyes weren’t looking at him, but rather past him.
“I see the urgency to leave,” he said, his voice reflecting the anger he was trying to hide, it was instead mixing oddly with the expression on his face. “But you must understand; things are not always that easy,” he turned around once more, leaving him alone with his thoughts as he glanced down again, before jumping over the side, the panicked voices rising for a moment before ceasing. Growling, he crawled to the edge just like the other boy had, glancing down over the edge. The other six were down there, the white eyed boy standing close to a black haired boy, who was keeping a steadying hand on his shoulders.
Scanning the area around him, quickly, off to the right of the small group, was the outer walls of the building they were in. No windows, just a plain beige mass that almost completely meshed into the dirt on the ground. Small shrubs that were scattered about on the ground looked like if you even just touched them, they would virtually disintegrate. A strange, brown and green cluster of plants that he sure has never seen before was further off to the left. And straight ahead, behind everyone that was watching him, was a large, dense, and lustrous line of trees. It must have been the beginning of a forest, judging by the looks of how dark it seemed between each trunk. He recognized they were pine trees from the classes they had been forced to attend inside of the place he knew he’d never return to. Analyzing the drop, and judging that it had to have been just less than seven feet. It was going to be a slightly hard landing, but it was worth it. Raising an eyebrow, he sighed before jumping down himself, his feet touching the ground with less of an impact than he imagined.
The jump itself had been simple but, even though they were out in the open, he couldn’t go on just yet, his eyes locked onto the blue sky above them, his anger replaced with awe. It had been so long since he’d seen anything so blue, so clear, and vast. He slipped his eyes shut, inhaling deeply, letting the true fresh air fill his lungs, fill his being. In the distance, he picked up on the sound of birds chirping, their wings flapping as they flew. There were no such sounds in the white concrete cages he was used to. There were no sounds period. Even though they should be running, fleeing for their lives, he just had to take a second, marvel in the sheer openness that was the outside world. He had never truly appreciated things such as clean, crisp air rushing into his lungs, the rays of sunlight hitting his skin, warming him to his core.
“Hey! We all know it’s amazing, and new, and crap but we need to go!” The black haired boy yelled at him. His eyes flicked open looking at the six pairs of eyes that were locked onto him. Annoyance started to pump in his blood once more, before realizing that the black haired boy was right. They needed to move, and he was wasting time. Before he could even finish a full step towards the rest of the group, something in the air changed. A new scent. Adrenaline. A howl ripped through the air, and almost seconds after seven black masses came around the corner of the building.
“Run! Hurry!” The redheaded girl screamed. Out of the corner of his eye he saw a young short haired brunette grabbed the ginger’s hand and they took off running. The white eyed boy, and the black haired one took off together just behind them.The last two, in tow. Except he was stuck, like his feet were on a landmine. His eyes locked onto one of the black masses, his eyes widened when he realized just what he was up against.
Its eyes bright yellow and menacing, its razor sharp teeth still had blood on them from... he didn’t want to know. Its snout that held all of its teeth in place was stretched out disproportionately, and ears rested just above it’s eyes. From the view of their faces they looked like your regular wolf. But its body was so distorted and... familiar. There was a huge hump of backbone just after its neck, causing the head to look like it was way too low on its body. Just after the hump of spine, it slumped down for a good two feet before curving around its rear and extending into a tail. Not a fluffy, kitten-like tail but rather a tail that showed bare spine. There was no skin or fur to cover it. These animals had to be at least five feet in height alone, and with their humps they could easily reach six. He could only imagine how much of one person could fit into it’s mouth at a time...
When the seven beasts split off, six of them headed to the group that was running away. The last one was running straight for him. His eyes widened and his heart nearly stopped, pure terror rushing through his veins. He’d heard about these creatures, more than he’d ever wanted to hear, but he’d always hoped he’d never have to see one. He’d always listened to other people talk about how they thought those things were myths, just lies made up by him to keep them in check, keep them from escaping. He’d known, though. He’d known from the first day he was in this God forsaken place. For more than one reason, he’d never wanted to run into these things.
“Dammit,” he cursed under his breath, sprinting straight for the wooded area in front of him. He could vaguely smell the direction the others had gone off, some of their scents having changed. In the back of his mind, he knew he should change along with them but his sheer terror kept him from it. He couldn’t even form the correct thoughts to change himself. It was stupid and irrational, but he didn’t care right now. Every instinct in his body was telling him to just run, and so he was, and he wasn’t looking back at all.
Low branches cut into his arms and face, high roots caused him to stumble, bruising his shins and his feet. He didn’t care though, he ignored the blood that was dripping down a shallow cut on his cheek from a branch smacking into him as he ran. The growl that sounded from behind him not only told him that the beast was getting closer, but also that it could smell the blood on his skin. The scent no doubt only made it even crazier, and he cursed under his breath, pushing his body harder than he ever had before. He was making it out, and this thing wasn’t stopping him from doing that.
A low growl left his throat as he ran, his anger causing his legs to push him faster. As much as he wanted to, he refused to turn around and see how close that thing was. That would waste precious time he didn’t have, and he might miss one of the many ungrounded roots, causing him to fall. Biting his lip, he narrowed his eyes and quickly turned a sharp left, hoping to lose that thing quickly. Off in the distance, he could hear the other things chasing the others, which didn’t sit well in his gut. He knew he was strong and fast, but two of those escapees were kids, and he didn’t have too high hopes for them by this point.
Changing direction quickly yet again, he began to maneuver through all of the trees, letting his instincts guide him, telling him which direction was the best. His body could only run for so long, and he had to lose this thing before his exhaustion came. Luckily for him, the trees only got thicker, so he’d be harder to keep up with. A rather large group of trees was coming up on him fast and he could have cried in relief. He noticed the upgrounded roots of the trees were more covered in moss than the last ones, but just as high out of the ground. Timing it just right, he easily jumped over them, landing soundlessly as he continued to push his body past its limits. Moments later, a smirk crossed his lips when he heard the creature from hell cry out in surprise and pain, crashing into the roots he’d just jumped over. It wasn’t much, but it should buy him some more time.
He rushed behind a thick tree root and crouched down, quickly picking up a rock. He rubbed the rock across his cheek, smearing it with his blood before standing and throwing it as far as he could back towards the buildings. He crouched back down before he allowed himself a few gasps of air and holding the last in, his heart continuing to race. A growl reverberated in his ears, his heart nearly stopping. There were footsteps a few yards behind him and the root, no doubt it was the beast chasing him. It wasn’t much, but he was counting on the beast having picked up the scent of his bloody rock, and not his own body scent that was mixed with sweat. He sat there in silence, not daring to breathe or even flinch for that matter. After a few tense moments, a loud howl echoed throughout the area, causing him to tense, before the sound of footsteps rang in his ears again. He continued to try and stay as still as possible, fighting to keep his breath in. He listened closely to the footsteps hearing them move further from him. He risked a small breath, and realized when it didn’t return that it had taken his bait.
He waited a few seconds before he jumped to his feet and took off running in the direction he had been going in, hoping he had enough time to get even further away before the beast figured out it was a trick. The corners of his lips twitched upwards a bit, the small victorious smile helped ease away some of the terror that had been consuming him. For all his initial terror of those things he realized they were just mindless animals, simply following directions. After a few minutes of more running and avoiding roots that, half of the time, came out of nowhere, he slowed down to a brisk walk. The small patches of sunlight that broke through the clusters of pine needles was slowly fading away, and nighttime was fast approaching. He’d forgotten that there was the natural fade from day to night. For most of his life day and night were transitioned by a sole flick of a switch. Something tickled the senses in his nose, confusing him for a brief moment before he realized it was the scent of the others. He may not have been with them for long, but he’d been with them enough to be able to tell their distinct scents. He never forget a scent, after all. He turned in the direction that the scent came from, and started towards them.
Almost a half hour went by before he noticed something that looked really familiar. A boulder that was split almost perfectly down the middle. A hemlock grew around the boulder, its trunk forming to the side of the boulder. It was as if the boulder had crushed the original trunk a long time ago, but the roots still had it in them to find a way to keep growing. In between the split, there was a small line of dirt, and it was just enough dirt that a bright red flower was growing, tall and strong. He blinked a few times knowing that he had just seen this same exact spot maybe ten minutes ago. Were their scents leading him in circles? They must have been far enough away that the wind was carrying their scents in different directions. This was going to take a while...

Almost three more hours went by, and the air started to get cold. He knew they must have been desert like, where the days were hot and the nights were below zero. As for where they were, he had absolutely no idea. He could barely remember a time before the cages, so his whole sense of direction out here was gone. All he had going for him was his raw instincts. Hopefully those would be enough until he found the others. He could already see his breath leave his mouth and evaporate as it traveled further from his lips into the night. But then again he’d always run a high fever, his body was always hotter than everyone elses, some sort of condition that didn’t seem to affect his health. As his thoughts trailed off, his nose picked up a scent that he didn’t quite recognize at first. His mind flashed back to a time in the cages, where something slowly filled the entire hall he was in, causing him to cough and wheeze on the thicker air. Only until later did he find out that it was another person in a cage further down who managed to light something on fire, and cause a huge commotion. That was the last time he remembered smelling that particular persons’ scent. It was then that his mind clicked what he was smelling in the air. Smoke. They must have been near. He took off running again, and in between two trees he could see the faint light of a fire. He picked up pace, anxiously hoping to see at least the young ones that had never managed to leave the back of his thoughts. He didn’t know them well enough to care for them much, but he hoped they made it out alive. They were so young, after all. When he approached the fire he saw them, all six. He let out a huff of relief he wasn’t expecting and slowed down his run, approaching them slowly. All of the group had made it away from those ungodly beasts too, and seemed to all be in pretty good condition. Almost all of them seem unphased by his arrival, except for the small, short haired brunette who was fast asleep curled up in a small ball on the ground near the fire. They must have known he was coming, or heard him coming before he was even close enough to see him from their reactions to seeing him.
The redhead stood up, looking at him with her bright green eyes, there was a flash of worry until she seemed to assess that he seemed to just as well be in good condition. He swallowed, trying to suppress the thoughts of how she was the favorite of that man. He had to let it go a little, when her warm smile made him relax just a tiny bit. They may all be in the same boat, but that didn’t mean he’d trust them all instantly. After all he’d been through, trust wasn’t something that came particularly easy. This red head, though, just had an air about her that he felt he could trust. At least that’s what his instincts were telling him.
“I’m glad you’re alive, we thought we lost you for good.” She said as she stepped closer to him. Instinctively he took a step back, eyeing her wearily. He couldn’t remember the last time someone friendly and possibly trustworthy approached him. The others must have bonded over the fact that they were all running for their lives before he got here. The girl, who looked to be a little too skinny for her size stopped walking as soon as he took a step back. Her eyes flicked back into that worried look. She was pretty tall, maybe five eleven or even six foot, but she looked of skin and bone. Her bright red hair fell wavy and tangled down to the midst of her upper arm, with bangs that fell down to the side of her face resting on the higher part of her cheekbone. As the fire sparked and spewed its life, the light stretched across her face in bursts of flashes. It was enough light that he could see a layer of freckles stretching over her nose and under each eye.
“It’s okay...” She said in a hush, soothing whisper. She looked at him, unmoving and waited for him to calm some. Reluctantly he took a step forward towards her and everyone else, going against every instinct in his body. The only image he had in his mind was still of this redhead and the man walking in front of his cage. And that image alone was enough for him to be unsettled. He blinked a few times in an attempt to calm his racing thoughts, and she smiled warmly again. “What’s your name?” She asked as she turned to lead him over to the rest of the group, and the warm fire.
He swallowed, looking around at the group. The girl sleeping looked like she was at peace for probably the first time ever. The white eyed man he was trailing behind in the vents was facing away from the fire at an angle where he could only see the side of his face. Across from him was the black haired boy that he’d seen with him earlier that day. No difference there. The two of them seemed to go back to their own conversation. The long-haired brunette looked up at him as he walked closer, her face showed no expression and just a blank spaced out stare. Lastly, he saw a boy who looked strangely similar to the sleeping girl on the ground. He was sitting on a stump just a few feet away from her, his eyes watched his every move though. The boy quickly glanced up at him as he walked closer, however, his body language showing protectiveness. The look only lasted a few seconds before the boys eyes locked onto the sleeping girl once more, ignoring him all together.
As he made his way over to sit down a couple of feet from the fire, avoiding the possibility of getting way too overheated he ignored the few stares aimed his way. He was tired from all of the running around. And he sure wouldn’t be able to sleep soundly, not after everything that had happened. He just wasn’t that way. With this much uncertainty in the air he didn’t think he’d be able to relax enough to sleep. In fact, he was surprised that the girl was fast asleep. All of the others looked exhausted as well, but they all seemed to have the same instincts as him. Lucky girl, comfortable around strangers to sleep. The ginger sat down nearby, but not too close, her eyes watching him and waiting for an answer to her question. He let out a huff of air and looked up from staring at the fire.
“I’m Paul.”