Return to Eternity Discussion Thread

[StandardFiend]

Cheers for making it through the first round of posting (well, almost)! I'll begin by saying I am impressed with the way the RP has started, and I enjoyed all the posts. You all have a great understanding of what it means to role play as a group, so I am supremely confident that this is going to be a great time once we really get truckin'. Excellent work, everyone.

I'll address the posts in the order they came, except for yours, blackwolt, which I will save for last so I can spend some time working with your English, as you requested.

Lilaiy
The first thing I noticed was your vocabulary: it's very robust, and it's very well implemented. You have a knack for adjectives and your sentence-craft impressed me. ". . . an icy voice cut through her thoughts" is my favorite line in your post, and perhaps I can persuade you to let me steal it.

You set up an interesting backstory for your character with this post and even if I hadn't read your submitted profile I feel like I understand some very important things about her. For instance, her affinity towards nature, her rebellious attitude, and a sort of childlike naïvete about the world. Some of these things were more explicitly explored, but others more implicitly, which means you have a firm grasp of how you want to portray the character. By the same token, I admire your attempts to flesh out small pieces of the vague world I've put forth, like giving the owner of The Comm's Arms a name and a reason for existing. That was a character I never imagined would be of any importance, yet you have made him important, so well done.

The weakness you mentioned in signing up for RoE was that you lacked confidence in moving the plot along, and I think you demonstrated that with your first post. I intentionally left the end of my post wide open, offering little for concrete interactions to see how the rest of you would react. The others made strong efforts to become involved--if not with my character specifically, then with his environment, which in turn leaves the floor open for me to step in. You seem to have distanced yourself, even though you clearly intend for Nymn to come to The Comm's Arms at some point--it was almost like you stopped writing your post before it was complete. I feel like you missed an opportunity here which the others immediately capitalized on, but I can sympathize. I want to emphasize the fact that this world is open for you to explore: nothing is off limits, and no length is going too far. Do whatever you want, and we will take your ideas in stride.

dealing with it
You might not know it, but something as simple as formulating a deck of cards for the world adds a lot of depth. It's so easy to just assume this world doesn't have those things or to simply import those things from the real world; you took a real-world idea and made it unique. I know it sounds like I'm making a bigger deal out of it than it's worth, but small details like that add up into something really significant.

You've also attained a masterful level of imagery, which is wittily demonstrated with your line ". . . he looked more like he had just tried to peel a lemon with his teeth" which I found heartily amusing. I also enjoyed your dialog. There wasn't much of it, but that was perfect for the card-game setting, and it all sounded very human.

--A quick aside, which I forgot to mention before. Thank you all deeply for creating human characters. I didn't specify that humans are the only occupants of Terisill, and I wouldn't have said anything if you'd made non-humans, but it seems y'all read my mind, so that worked out dandily.--

What I feel your post lacked is a sense of who Blem really is. The post happens mostly from an outside perspective, lacking the window into the character. This is an issue I struggle with all the time, so perhaps it's something we can work on together. With your post, Blem comes off as kind of a weasel. Perhaps that's how he really appears to others, but the thing is you don't want the reader to be one of those "others." From your perspective, Blem is the main character of this narrative, so you want the reader to understand him and sympathize with him, and that means writing from a position that allows those things to come across. For example, why is Blem stealing the money? It may be the case that you don't want to delve into that right now, and that's fine, but I wanted to at least sense there was a reason. Do you kind of understand what I mean? I'm probably not being particularly clear.

However, it was most certainly engaging. No part of it was dull as you feared; there was a fine mixture of action and suspense even in a short post, and I enjoyed reading it.

Skawaffle
Like the others you made efforts to immediately delve into the burgeoning plot, so kudos for that. You managed to give away a lot of information without actually revealing anything at all, with Cailen's interactions with the guards. For example, I'm quite curious about why they so readily submit to him. The were probably outmatched at the moment, but they do hold the power of essentially the entire Carmaine military behind them, meaning Cailen is quite fearless.

Your diction and construction are solid, as I expected. Like dealing with it, you've included a number of minute details that add that extra layer of depth to the world which I appreciate and hope to see more of in the future. The bobcat, for instance, indicates that the wildlife (at least in Carmaine) is fairly mundane and familiar, and sets a standard for all future endeavors in this regard (a hippogriff, for example, suddenly seems a little farfetched when put next to a bobcat). Also, my university mascot is a bobcat, so you get extra points.

The one thing I'd like to point out is that you have Cailen speak very eloquently despite being uneducated. I'm not sure if this is merely an inconsistency or if there's a story behind it. Perhaps this is related to the issue you brought up in the OOC when I asked. On the other hand, the other part of that you mentioned was you felt your posts tended to be more like short stories rather than open-ended replies. Well, you cut your post off at the exact perfect moment, so you're certainly on the right track in that regard.

And last but certainly not least,
blackwolt
First off, congratulations for starting a scene! I don't mean that in the patronizing sense, like your mother saying, "Don't you make a scene!". I just mean that you stepped in where I left off and made something happen, so many kudos to you.

You're very descriptive and you ensured to fully detail Valerie's journey from a sleeping state to her predicament in the pub, and despite your language barrier you did it all in a very understandable and downright entertaining fashion. You also made some very strong allusions and perhaps even a little foreshadowing that intrigued me and made me want to learn more. I'm looking forward to your next post, so that's a strong sign of talent. There was one aspect that did not quite sit as well with me, and that was Valerie's mission. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong, but from the sounds of it you couldn't (or didn't want to) think of an actual mission that her leader would have given her and thus gave her something very vague and unmotivational, and frankly a little bit unrealistic. If it's the case that you just couldn't come up with something, the best thing to do in the future would be to not say anything about it at all, just make vague hints. This lightens your burden but also keeps the reader interested and guessing. Other than that, though, Valerie is shaping up nicely and I'll be glad to read about her some more.

Now, onto the technical aspects.

The first thing I'll point out is your first sentence. The word you were looking for instead of "set" was "start" -- Valerie woke with a start. In this instance, "start" means a sudden jerky movement of the body and it's a very common phrase (it's even in the dictionary as an example).

What seems to be your bane is the plural forms of verbs, which I'll admit can be quite confusing at times. In your second paragraph, you say, ". . . people was beginning . . ." Here you actually want to say ". . . people were beginning . . ." since "people" is a plural noun. The conjugation of the "to be" verb is literally the worst of all, I know. Likewise, later in that paragraph ". . . most of them wasn't nearly . . ." should be ". . . most of them weren't nearly . . ." I'll admit that one is a little more confusing than normal because the plural noun is actually a phrase ("most of them"). And also, ". . . women is . . ." should be ". . . women are . . ." and so on. You'll get the hang of this eventually, so keep working at it. If you find yourself confused about a particular situation, I'll be glad to help you out.

In the third paragraph, you say, ". . . on the table there were an empty bowl, a jug, filled with water, and a towel." Now, I'm legitimately stumped on this one. It doesn't sound quite right ("was" sounds much better than "were"), and my instincts would tell me to use "was," but if you reverse the sentence, you would write "An empty bowl, a jug filled with water, and a towel were on the table." I honestly don't know if the way you have it is right or not. I'll do a bit of research and find out.

We have a very peculiar punctuation mark called a semi-colon (;). It's extremely difficult to use properly, even for lifetime native speakers. There are a few places in your post where you need to use one with the current sentence structure. I'll point them out and perhaps you can catch on to how they are used; if you can, I'll be impressed ;)

"She was covered in sweat and her breathing was deep and fast; she looked at her hands, they were shivering."
"All in all there wouldn’t really be many guards of the city that would look at her and remember her as a traitor; she is too hard to recognize and women is anyway not meant for fights most people say; that’s also why there isn’t any womanly guards." (Two semi-colons in one sentence is generally incorrect, though. Here, dividing it into two sentences would be best.)
"It was obvious that it was a pub; the smell of booze and sweat was in the air outside the pub."

There are a couple more, but that should give you a good idea. Let me know if there's any confusion about this, because I know it's not an easy subject to grasp. Took me forever to get it right.

Well folks, that wraps up my thoughts on the first round of posting. Great job, all of you. I'm excited for the next round!

[CortexiphanGirl]

Blackwolt: Valerie: Round One

Great imagery. I felt like I could watch Valerie as she went about her business. There was action from the very beginning and it kept my attention. I'm excited to see further character development! I think the biggest thing that could be improved in this post (to me) would simply be the grammar and sentence structure. That was the only thing I noticed disrupting the fluidity.

I enjoyed your post!

Dealing With It: Blem: Round One

I was immediatley hooked as I began to read your post. The creation of the card deck made me smile. I realized I had been taking a lot of "known facts" for granted. Reading about the different suits immediately transported me to this new world. Your post was well thought out and I feel like it had an easy-to-read layout. I wish your post had been a bit longer, though. I felt like just as I was getting comfy and ready to create Blem in my mind - the post was finished. I feel like it left Blem feeling slightly empty, or fuzzy. But maybe I'm just impatient ;] What a fun character!

Skawaffle: Cailen: Round One

Your post was extremely well written. I almost felt the awkwardness myself when everyone in town was looking at Cailen. I think my favorite phrase you wrote was "Cailen dodged a renegade fist." It felt like it fit perfectly. I'm looking forward to Cailen's character development. Reading your post made me come up with a lot of questions about his history. Also, (even though this is going to sound biased!) great job on incorporating a character from another person's post! I think that's a great key for tying in the fluidity of the entire role play. The one thing that didn't make sense in my mind was the phrase, "[Cailen] flashed the guards his identification." It felt a little out of place for two reasons: 1) In an era with taverns, mead and inns - a system of portable identification didn't seem to match. (This is all my personal opinion, of course. It very well could match in this world.) and 2) I felt like the fact that Cailen was so well known clashed a bit with him needing to show identification to the guards. That's just my two cents. I'm very excited to see Cailen's character development! Great post.

StandardFiend: Raythe: Round One

I wasn't sure if we were supposed to write something about your posts, but I didn't want you to feel left out! I loved the imagery in your post. I never realized you could give an entire city a description in so little words - just by describing what the common shapes were. And, of course, your post was full of delightful sensory images that played out like a film in my head! I can't wait to see more character development, especially how Raythe interacts with other people.

-Lilaiy

[dealing with it]

StandardFiend,

When you mentioned that only guards were allowed to make facial expressions, you created an avenue into a whole story. I think that describes my impression: you leave behind little story threads, probably intentionally. Sometimes it works, and leaves me wondering how I can use these blank spaces later. For instance, I'm pretty much compelled, at some point, to flesh out in my own way the foreigness of the city. The controlled atmosphere -- functional buildings, orderly crowds, overpowering security presence -- is ripe for the picking.

My only complaint is rather minor. When you said "The sights, sounds, and smells were all different and assaulted him more harshly than any combatant", I suddenly realized you hadn't talked about the smells at all. It seems that the smell of the streets is an odd blank to leave open for another person (although Skawaffle eventually described them, it still was bizarre when you didn't).

Anyway, my overall impression so far is that you a very deliberate, conscious writer.


Lilaiy,

I found you balanced a good variety of methods of story-telling. You had conversation, internal monologue, and description, and with one little a caveat (below), you were effective with all three. You captured the character of the mother almost solely with her words, and you worked out the relationship of Nymn to the barman with straight-forward prose.

If there's room for improvement, it's in the internal monologue. If you're going to use it, I don't think you need to blend Nymn's thoughts with the narrator's. I'm talking specifically about the line "...Nymn’s father, Demicus, was prudishly taken by this ridiculous war between Carmaine and Siis...". If I'm not mistaken, the war is ridiculous to Nymn, not the narrator, so it should have been said by her little voice. If she talks to herself, you may as well milk that and draw as much from it as possible.

I think you have a very good grasp of characterization, by the way.



blackwolt,

Of everyone, I think you have the best grasp of the "game" aspect of "role playing game". You know your character and you know how to advance the plot. You drop a lot of hints to aspects of the character and the story that you might want to explore in the future; there's the barely mentioned event that has left her a traitor, there's Valerie's mission, and there's the nightmares. You've got plenty of material to slowly dole out as the game goes on.

However, your grasp of what's essential to keep the story burning also forced you to adopt a character motivation that doesn't quite make sense. I wasn't really sold on Valerie's decision to go to the bar. It's like you, as a writer, know she has to be there, even though she, as a character, has no good reason to go. "Information" is just vague enough you might be able to pull it off... but it would have been easier to swallow a drinking problem.

So, in summation, you've got strong instincts for the mechanics of story and character, but could work on blending these two elements together.


Skawaffle,

You create a colourful, populated world. Nothing is empty of life. You have a good handle on how to build a character simply by what the narrator points out: only a character who sees life everywhere is likely to develop the natural charisma that you alluded to in Cailen's character profile. All in all, it was a solid read. By the end, the world as perceived by Cailen was clear.

But, there's always something to work on. In your case, I'd say you need to be careful of anachronisms. A "city of trees, each one like an apartment building" is a ridiculously weird metaphor for any medieval character to imagine. Cities and apartment buildings are modern images. Although it gets the message across, it also breaks the suspension of disbelief.

Just as you are focused on building a vibrant world for your character to stroll through, you need to be careful that the world remains believable. It only takes a few small oversights to ruin immersion.

[blackwolt]

Before I start I would like to say that it has been a while since I have “played” together with such mature and good roleplayers as you are. I am honored to be a part of this roleplay, even if it is just training. The things that could be improve is small and few overall; from my perspective. Anyway let’s get to the case:


StandardFiend – Raythe Vangard

The starting post is the one that is the easiest but also hardest one to write. It is the one where you are able to write almost whatever you want; as long as it is a part of the roleplay world. But it is also the one that needs to make the other roleplayers able to interact with it. The start gives good images and a solid stage to start the adventure at, as well as making it easy for the others to “infiltrate” the story. Detailed start but we were still able to come with our own inputs.

I have had a hard time looking through your character in the post. Raythe is still a bit too hard to analyze even though the description is well formulated. But since it is the first post, of all posts, I would say that it’s pretty common. I look forward to the development of your character indeed.


Lilaiy – Nihm/Nymn Eldur

I can see what you mean about having a hard time being active in the roleplay. We get to know your character like no one else have done through thoughts, speech and emotions, and I have already taken a liking to your character (I am confused if I wrote this right or wrong). But even though we get to know a lot about your character I miss her in the roleplay itself. I don’t know if it is just me since I sometimes have a hard time understand what you write (meant for everyone), but I can’t tell where your character exactly is at the end of your post.

Try to be a bit “aggressive,” I LOVE when people makes it easy to interact with their character. So more interaction from your side and don’t be shy, most roleplayers won’t bite… Only their characters.

Oh yeah… I am a bit confused about your character’s name by the way. ;)


dealing with it – Blem Blackcliff

Even though you haven’t been roleplaying for 13 years you make a pretty good impression of yourself as a roleplayer. You start out giving the pub a nice atmosphere and you even put your own elements into something common from reality, making it new and exciting. You are good at using the humor as your tool while roleplaying, and that is really nice to see.

The thing I like the most about your post though is that you use a starting conflict to evolve your own characters conflict, making a crossover through your own and another players post. What I missed a little is further interaction; most roleplayers like when people take the story into own hands and continue it a bit. But it would also have been hard considering the position your character is in.


Skawaffle – Cailen Armistice

As you said yourself before joining this roleplay, you aren’t new to roleplaying. You were the one that made most interacting with other player in your first post. Of cause you were also the one having most ease doing this since everyone had written their first post, but despite that you did indeed create a great post, I can’t wait to interact with your character.

You are good at playing with the language, making your post interesting to read. There were some minor things that could be better, but I can’t really explain it, hopefully the others can/have.


All in all, a good start, from everyone.

Regards
blackwolt

[Skawaffle]

And now for my portion of analyzation.

StandardFiend

Though I do not yet know how to make an accurate summary of your character, I can point out your vivid use of imagery to paint a rather colorful picture of the surroundings of your character, as well as his own physical appearance. I quite like the way you characterized Rythe as a mite timid, through your use of simile and metaphor as well, so, cookie for you.

But onto the criticism. What I find you should work on (as should everyone in existence, really) is your vocabulary. Though your use of vocabulary was all well placed, and correct, I think it was all a tad too... ordinary, I suppose. Try using a bit more of the fantastical words to describe your surroundings, and character. I know it's easy to fall into the rut of normalcy, but it's also easy to use different words to make even more vivid pictures.

Such as, " a few tough-looking guys", could be adequately, and desirably replaced with "several tenacious seeming men", I know it's a tad more typing, but well worth the imagery it provides. But other than that, good work!

Also, I feel that you sometimes make two paragraphs out of what really should be one...

"At long last, to Raythe's relief, he came upon his destination. A small, brown, wooden door flowed seamlessly with the stone brick wall around. A little parchment sign was fastened behind the square glass window cut into the top-center of the door, and it read, "Comm's Arms," short for the establishment's formal title: The Commandant's Arms.

It was a relatively high-class pub that, due to its rather extensive history, was frequented by the city guards and Carmaine's officers. It was open to the public, but a lot of the public tended to stay away from it unless they were looking for trouble. It wasn't trouble Raythe was after, but information, and he knew that he would certainly find one or the other in here."

It seems to me that it would just flow much better if it were in one paragraph, perhaps delayed by ellipsis points or a dash. Still, you're already a great writer, and I'm just splitting hairs here to see you improve, be it miniscule improvements. :P

---

Liliay

I very much like how you've presented your character, and her actions fit her profile very well. Also do I enjoy your use of figurative language, as it really adds to the scenery, and the slight comedy of her current situation. Giving the barkeep a name was spectacular as well -Though I doubt you need me to tell you I enjoyed his characterization, seeing as I picked it up and just sort of ran with it-, and I think it rather fits the man we've all been presented ( Who I deem to be strict, but quiet and calm, at this point ), so here's a cookie.

But as the others have stated, make your character more aggressive in terms of interaction! People won't always run up and start conversation with someone who looks like they want to be involved, but are just standing there; just as it is in real life. We'll all try our best to keep you involved, but try to make the first connection when interactions begin, that way you'll actually be more in control of the situation, and able to control just where your character will be going next, with their new companion in tow. All in all, good job.

---

And the next victim is, (drumroll)
blackwolt!

I like how you've presented your character so far, quiet and strong, though I feel that she's lacking a bit in the follow-up actions department. They seem to end abruptly. Like right here,
"Valerie walked directly to the counter of the pub."
It just seems to be screaming for something to follow it. You may even have been able to quench this sentence's thirst by combining it with what was your next line. Like this,
"Valerie walked directly to the counter of the pub, and quietly put some money on the counter to show that she was serious. 'Where is the best place to get combat training in this city?' She wasn’t in the mood for discriminating jokes."
By removing this break in her actions, and replacement of "She" with ",and" it seems to flow much better. Do a little work with compound sentences, and I feel that you'll improve exponentially! Remember, the smallest changes to a phrase or sentence can make it, or break it. Otherwise, you did very well, especially having English as your second language. You also get a cookie.

---

And last, but far from the lesser of this set of data, (yeah, I elongated the phrase. Who wants to be generic?)
dealing with it

Your character reminds of one from a story I read a while back. Tom Oakhurst from "The Outcasts Of Poker Flats." A quiet decisive, but cunning gambler who doesn't drink alcohol. The only discrepancy really is the fact that Blem is a bit of a crook. Old Honest Tom would be ashamed...

Aside from that, I enjoy the humor you used as well. It was refreshing to read, and gave a chuckle, so massive points for that. You get a cookie as well.

Your use of small detail here is well used, but could be improved a bit. What condition was the poker table in? Was it new? Old? Was it dirty and broken, or was clean, and held a fine cloth? Was it creaky, or firm as can be? Those types of things can really add a lot to the atmosphere in your posts, and that adds to the overall atmosphere of the scene in the roleplay. You should also describe what Blem is feeling at the moment he was hit. A good simile or metaphor can clear that right up. Perhaps something like this,
"A wild punch clipped his ear, which felt like he had taken a knife to the side of the head, and it sent him crumpling to the ground, dazed."
And for anyone who's never been punched in the way that was described, that's pretty much what it feels like. I know from experience. xD

---

And that's my take on the situation. As for my own reviews, I thank you, and will work on improving the suggested issues. But for Cailen's language, he may be able to speak eloquently, but practical maths, sciences, and the general understanding skills just aren't there. It's quite possible, as there are countless dunces in my school who speak extremely well, but know diddly about anything outside of a bottle of beer, and a joint. xD

[xQueenofSpadesx]

Hey everyone =). I just want to start off by saying that when I critique you, I won’t sugar coat what I have to say, but I also don’t intend to sound like a big fat meanie. No matter if I critique you first, last, or in the middle, I promise you that I’m not picking on you. I’m going to give you my honest opinion and I expect the same in return. If I said something that offended you, please PM me, and we can talk about it there.

Blackwolt/Valerie Round Two
A few things concerned me. I noticed first that your posts seemed to be mostly centered on Valerie. It’s okay to have attention on your character, and you don’t have to interact with everyone, but in a setting like the tavern, especially in a brawl, I felt like the other players (didn’t have to be all of them) should have been recognized in some form; perhaps in a passing thought and/or watching what they were doing. I saw that you mentioned Cailen, but there were opportunities to notice and mention Raythe, Blem, Nihm, or Lamia, and have your character develop opinions about them if you didn’t want to interact.

Your fighting is a little too… OP (over-powered)? Too much “I’m a bad ass.” By all means, knock the slobber out of a few guys, but it felt like Valerie was going a little overboard. In your second post, it seemed like you were “spawning” more Carmainian soldiers than there already were to fight against. Going back to the “bad ass” remark, in your first post it said Valerie had achieved a high rank within her guild without even earning it like the others apparently do. Looking at her character sheet, she’s only 19 years old. Going along with her history, her power level doesn’t seem reasonable for a character that age. Her nickname, “The Painkiller”, comes off as cliché, too.

I feel a “lone wolf” concept, which can be cool, just keep in mind not to isolate yourself too much else it’ll be difficult for others to interact with you. Correct me if I’m wrong, but Valerie ran upstairs and is currently hiding in a room, yes? I don’t know if anyone else will go the same route, but I know I’ll have Lamia attempt to leave through the backdoor to get away from the brawl. Again, just some food for thought so you don’t unintentionally isolate yourself from everyone if they don’t go upstairs, too. You write well, Blackwolt, and you have the right idea, I just think you need to tone it down a little with the fighting, do a little more PC interacting, and try to break away from the cliché to make it your own.

Skawaffle/Cailen Round Two
Your wording was confusing at times while describing Cailen’s actions during attacks. In your first post with Boyd: Boyd charged Cailen with his sword, Cailen dodged, and then --> “With Boyd already off-balance from his missed attack, Cailen grabbed the soldier's wrist and tugged him backward, causing Boyd to lurch further forward. Next, Kale drove a fist into the drunkard's chest, pushing him back with a crippling blow to the sternum.” I had to read that a few times before I actually understood what you meant. It sounded like Boyd had moved past Cailen and that his back was to him. At first I was like, "How is he hitting Boyd in the chest if his back is to him?"

In your second post with the three soldiers: “The next soldier came at him with an axe. A horizontal sweep to his abdomen. Cailen parried quickly, and threw the brawler off balance with a push, where he dispatched him with a powerful kick to the chest, using his scabbard as something of a vaulting pole now.” Again, I had to read this a few times before I understood. I think it might be the way you're using the word "parry." There are many ways to parry an attack. I was thinking that Cailen had sidestepped and then attacked the soldier. I suggest describing how Cailen parries an attack, it'll add a little more flavor and prevent confusion. Also, that must be a really strong scabbard if it supported all of Cailen's weight for the kick.

I commend you on being the first person to become seriously hurt (really, I do), but --> "Even with the broken collarbone, and presumably cracked ribs, Cailen regained his footing and stepped away from the wall. "Alright... Time to get serious." he grumbled, holding his throbbing shoulder. "I hope you have a good doctor, jackass." Suddenly, Cailen lunged forward and slashed at the soldier's chest with blinding speed, crimson spraying from the man's wound and following the tip of Cailen's blade." Cailen's collarbone is cracked, and his ribs presumably damaged, as well. I understand he's a martial artist, but I still find it hard to believe that after having the wind knocked out of him and that many bones broken, that he would have enough energy for an attack with blinding speed.

Now my experience with PvP between PCs and/or PCs and NPCs is limited, but I'm looking at things from a realistic stand point. Other than the phrasing of your words and the realism in Cailen's actions, you're doing very well. Your descriptive writing is easy to read, I was able to picture everything (almost) clearly. I also like Cailen's attitude and his personality. He seems like he can be a bit of a smart ass, but overall he comes off to me as the no-nonsense good guy. The protector. I hope that made sense, lol xD.

Dealing With It/Blem Round Two
Blem didn't really jump out at me so much. Your descriptive writing in your first post was very good, but I felt like it drowned out your character. He seemed lost in the background. In your second post, though, he breaks out more, which is good, because it shines more light on how he reacts to a specific situation. The only other thing I had a problem with was when Blem thrust his sword through a soldier's back and it came out through his chest. Now I'm assuming these soldiers aren't completely out of armor, and I think Fiend may have mentioned somewhere that they're wearing leather plating. All in all, I like how you set up the background and mood with your posts, and the way you expressed Blem's inner "turmoil" with his thoughts and feelings. Just be sure that he doesn't fall into the background too much.

Lilaiy/Nihm Round Two
Some of your phrasing was confusing. In your first post, when Nihm first enters the tavern via the backroom and is by the door that leads into the main section of the tavern itself, she's peeking out of it. Then the man with the injured wrist (and now shin, lol) stumbled over her and Nihm fell to the ground. How far was Nihm peeking out through the doorway? I imagined with just her eyes. I'm also thinking that the tavern is a fairly large room. Raythe, Cailen, Blem, Lamia and the injured soldier with his two cronies are by the front door, and Nihm is behind them in the back. Valerie was in the center of the room, but now she is upstairs. I guess what I'm trying to say is be a tiny bit more specific and mindful of PC and NPC arrangement in a room. Granted I could always be wrong, but this is how I'm visualizing what's currently going on by how I understand it. Honestly, that was my only problem with Nihm. As I said to Dealing With It, I enjoyed reading your portrayal of Nihm's inner thoughts and feelings, and how Nihm is willing to step outside of her comfort zone despite her struggles.


I believe all of us are getting along great so far in the OOC and I'm really excited to see everyone, including me, develop and grow in this roleplay, as well as seeing where our characters go <3.
~Trish

[CortexiphanGirl]

CRITIQUES: ROUND TWO
(I’ve put a little ‘Character Impression’ at the beginning of each critique. Basically this is just a sentence or two of how I perceive your character, as a reader! Obviously it’s just my opinion but it might help if you are have a question about how your character is coming across, at least to one person ^.^ )

BLACKWOLT: VALERIE: ROUND TWO
Character Impression: Solitary, dangerous and out of touch with reality. Disciplined, tough and emotionless.

I really like the guild-entity that you’ve brought to this role-play. The fact that there is an “Order of Assassins” per-se gives this society a whole new dimension. I liked that you gave the members nicknames, “Pain Killer” and “Sin”. It really shows off the depth of this organization and proves than it’s more than just “a few local thugs playin’ with guns.” I also like the way that both your posts are set up visually. The paragraph size and spacing makes it easy to read and everything flows nicely together. You also don’t lack any creativity in moving the storyline along, which is something I really hope I can learn from you.

I’m having a hard time placing where Valerie is mentally. She doesn’t seem to have many interactions with any of our characters even though there is an all-out brawl going on. Also, she seems extremely poker-faced/emotionless (which I can see being part of her personality, now that I’m seeing a bit more of what she’s all about. But when there is absolutely no emotion, it gives me the feeling that she isn’t mentally stable.) However, I think it would help to accentuate the emotions that she does have, whether they are inward or outward, it would help us connect with her more. For example, in your second post when you wrote,

“Valerie tried to keep her head cool; she was beginning to get irritated and angry with the situation, which wasn’t good for her or the guards.” (Without pouring through your posts, this is one of the only spots I remember hearing about emotions she’s felt, so that’s why I picked it.) As the reader, I’m wondering – what does that look like? I’m presented with a character that rarely shows emotions, so – when she actually does, can it be seen from the outside? If not, what is she saying in her head that can help me realize how she feels personally? I’m sure Valerie doesn’t feel irritation and anger over the same things and in the same way that Raythe does, for example. You have great descriptive abilities on the physical aspect; I’d love to see you delve more into the psychological and emotional as well!

DEALING WITH IT: BLEM: ROUND TWO
Character Impression: Honorable, but with a large burden, not terribly well versed in battle. Kind of a, rock-bottom character that still holds on to honor.

I think you do a great job at pulling NPC’s into your posts and immediately giving them convincing characteristics and reactions. I like the fact that Blem is being unveiled a bit at a time, here and there. I also think you do a great job portraying the emotional side of Blem and what’s going on inside his head. I’m not particularly sure why, but Blem doesn’t quite stand out to me as much. I’m trying to figure out why, exactly. There seems to be a lot going on in your posts, and while it’s all wonderfully written and well done – I wish more of it was centered on Blem. I guess, essentially what I’m saying is, I want more of him! I want the inside scoop, I want to feel a connection to him. I think your first posts really had a good start on that reader-character relationship, but – for me – it seemed to trail off a bit. I also wanted to add that I loved how you exposed Blem’s vulnerability by way of non-combat skills. I completely ate that up. I wished there was more of it, that really helped me to “get on his level.”

SKAWAFFLE: CAILEN: ROUND TWO
Character Impression: Well-trained fighter, fast thinker, authoritative, confident, protective, honorable.

I liked how you gave us an insight into Cailen’s thoughts: “Guns… this isn’t good. I can’t really dodge bullets…” I also think you did quite well showing your characters emotional changes when encountering different circumstances. For example, when Cailen is focused on the fight in front of him, with experienced fighters on his side – he seems to be calm, collected, and fast thinking. But when he turns around and sees Talice and Nihm, both of which haven’t shown any combat skills yet his tone changes: “…he commanded, his rather cool personality unraveling into that of a defensive and worried one.” Which, to me, shows a more protector-of-the-weak side of Cailen. Before that line, I simply viewed Cailen as a professional fighter with no real morals. But when I read that line, I realized that he did have some kind of moral code, or at least an instinct to protect. Whether this came as part of his training, or because he had a little sister around the age of Nihm that he always wanted to protect, or maybe couldn’t protect – the *reason* behind it all doesn’t matter –yet. It’s the fact that with that one little sentence you’re putting a seed into the readers mind that has the potential to grow into something huge, even character defining.

Everything was very well written and very descriptive. But I do tend to agree with Spades that Cailen seems a little over-powered. Personally, I’m not a trained fighter. Nor have I ever been in a tavern brawl that resulted in a broken collar bone and cracked ribs. But it is still a bit of a stretch to believe that after sustaining those injuries he could even breathe to talk, let alone fight. Just some food for thought!

xQUEENOFSPADESx: LAMIA: ROUND TWO
Character Impression: Confident, sensual, vain, not afraid of a fight.

I have to say, well done on coming into this role-play later in the game (albeit only one post) and making a smooth fluid transition. The description of Lamia’s living quarters really helped me start to make an assessment of her character. Your first post really assaulted all of the senses. And it was QUITE delightful, but I don’t feel like your second post carried that same smack-in-the-face. I saw it in my head, and I heard it – but I didn’t get to smell it, touch it, feel it, roll around in it, and taste it, if that makes sense. You showed that you have a wonderful descriptive writing style, so unleash it on us!

I already complimented you on this when we were chatting earlier, but I wanted to tell you again that it really helped me to connect with Lamia when you exposed a side of vulnerability/instincts after a gun was fired. It really helps me relate to your character, and her vanity is just humorous. I love it. I think it’s a unique, personal, and funny flair! Also, the twist of pointing a gun at Raythe at the end was a very interesting move that I hope gets developed a little further later on. When I read that I started asking questions like, “Why Raythe instead of any of the others? Does he remind her of someone? Does she feel it in her ‘gut’ that he’s a threat? What led her to point the gun at him over all the other residents in tavern?” I’m excited to see how it plays out.

[dealing with it]

Skawaffle,

I must admit, you have quite expertly captured Cailen's competency in your posts. It was inspiring enough that I could hardly help myself but show Blem's incompetency by doing the direct opposite of what Cailen does; when Cailen decided to leave the soldiers alive, I instantly decided that Blem needed to kill one of them. I really like that there's a character in this RP that I can play off of.

Otherwise you show great situational awareness. I'd say that's probably necessary when you have such a combat-orientated character. You know what all the other players are doing and when, and Cailen's movements while fighting are specific. Having Cailen get so severely wounded was a bold move that showed that he isn't battling a bunch of training dummies; I hope you emphasize how much of an impediment a few fractures can be.

We've yet to see Cailen engage in dialogue that isn't coloured by the urgency of battle. I'd like to see how you handle this martial artist when his life's not in immediate danger.


xQueenofSpadesx,

Deserved or not, the most immediate quality that Lamia expresses is overwhelming confidence. Since she seems to live and breathe in a moral vacuum, I'd think that emphasizing her arrogance -- having her own hubris punish her once in a while -- could balance out the bad karma that I already expect Lamia will generate. Or not. She's been successful at villainy so far.

You integrated yourself into the story rather well. With all these goodniks around, it might be difficult to play a hero whose moral compass points south, but from what I've seen so far, I think you can pull it off.

By the way, the line "she loved putting useless men in their place" has me worried a little for Blem's sake.


StandardFiend,

I think it's interesting how, by giving Raythe the most to lose, you've already pretty much made him the prima facie leader. He's already making tactical decisions for the group. I'm interested to see how other characters will react to his leadership once this battle is over.

I liked how when I needed chaos, but couldn't quite figure out how to go about making a really big scene, you were able to grow the ruckus sufficiently. I'm not sure it was intentional, but if it was, you remind me of verse 17 of the Tao te Ching. (People aren't supposed to notice what the person in charge does; at best, they should feel like everything was done all on their own.) I wish I could think of more ways for you to improve, but your writing works for me.


blackwolt,

I'd expect that a character who is so young and talented might have made some sacrifices for her skill and status. I can imagine a lot of missed opportunities to socialize in a "healthy" way, as she developed her fighting prowess. What I'm trying to say is that what spoils Valerie for me is that she isn't flawed enough. Imperfections help make characters believable.

If you were trapped in a small cell with her for a year, what would be the thing about her that would annoy you the most?


Lilaiy,

Little-goodie-two-shoes, little-goodie-two-shoes, little-goodie-two-shoes.... I imagine you are planning on telling a story of innocence lost?

Again, your versatility shines forth. You're capable of dialogue, action, and thought; you are able to take a whole page just for Nihm to steady herself. I believe you already know what you need to work on, since you've expressed it so many times before; you don't need to simply react to what other players put down.

I'll be happy the day your character's naivete singlehandedly screws over everyone, and we're forced to write out way out of a full jar of pickles. A character-driven plot, which looks right up your alley, is one where the characters ‘choices and actions cause all the bad things to happen.

Actually, I just had a better thought. To make the plot move, while still remaining true to the inherent passivity of a character of, shall we say, "a most sweet disposition", you can't do wrong by taking a few clues from Voltaire's Candide.

[StandardFiend]

Feedback for Round 2 !

dealing with it

Apparently, you took the advice Skawaffle gave to me; your language in your first post was astoundingly beautiful. Some parts were even poetic. Your second post was no slouch but I didn't quite get that same feeling. I'm not saying this is something you need to fix or improve, I'm just saying... well, jolly good show. I'm not sure why you expected your posts to be uninteresting when you first signed up; you're obviously a very talented writer. Your posts were filled with action this time, and that's just fine. You seem to have a really solid grasp of the pacing of a scene--not just in relation to the rest of the posts but also within your own.

I think you hit the nail on the head in terms of my previous feedback. I said that in your original post I did not really gain a sense of Blem's actual character. This time, however, I really did. You spent some quality time engaging Blem's thoughts and feelings and I understand him much better. Yet, he still retains an air of mystery. This time, that mystery is well-played. One thing I will say about this, though, (and it could just be me) is that I felt like sometimes you may have done a little too much; like, not everything he was feeling was entirely relevant to the situation. Or, I suppose a better way to put is that I did not entirely believe that some of the thoughts and emotions would have been evoked by what's currently going on. My suggestion is to try metering it out a little bit, giving us a bit here and there where necessary. As it is, I feel like Blem was very indifferent at first and now all of a sudden he's almost completely overwhelmed by everything--perhaps too sudden a transition. But regardless, way to capitalize on the advice you were given.

So, after everything thus far, I kind of get the feeling Blem is shaping up to be the angsty comic relief guy. If this was not your intention.... can it become your intention? :D

Skawaffle

Your combat descriptions are very technical in nature. You focus in on the minute details of your characters' movements and you display a cool grasp of realistic melee tactics. However, I might say that your style is a little too technical, to the point where I kind of get lost sometimes. Because fighting is inherently all about speed and action, it's difficult to convey with the written word in a manner that emulates what one can experience by watching a fight scene in a movie or something. You're trying so hard to describe all the precise movements that your battles seem to lack the poetry and beauty that written fighting needs in order to be truly captivating. For extremely short bouts (a one-move take-down or some such) the detail-oriented technical style you write with works fine because it succeeds in demonstrating the brutal efficiency of your character, but for the longer skirmishes the likes of which you've engaged in, it becomes a bit difficult to follow. It's a hard technique to master, and I'll admit that it's one I've yet to nail as well.

But your writing remains crisp and clean and you continue your efforts to become involved with the other characters and you aren't afraid to take liberties with the situation. A lot of RPers tend to keep the status-quo and let others evolve the event, but you take charge. This same leadership-oriented mindset is also apparent in Cailen and his personality is starting to come out more strongly. It'll be interesting to see whether or not he butts heads with Raythe, who is also a natural leader (and can be quite stubborn, to boot).

Another thing I'll mention is that you might be taking Cailen's level of power too far. It was noble of you to take the first major injury, but I feel like you did not let it affect Cailen the way it needed to. You explicitly mentioned his broken collarbone protruding from his flesh and blood pouring from the wound, as well as inviting the possibility of broken ribs. These are all very debilitating injuries. There's something to be said for the effects of adrenaline, but that would leave Cailen very frantic and unable to properly focus. What I do when I have my characters injured is research those injuries as best I can and try to emulate the proper effects. This adds realism to your character and urgency to the situation.

xQueenofSpadesx

You've sewn the seeds for a richly fascinating character with your first couple of posts. Obviously you explicitly state what your plan is in your character bio, but had I not read that I still would have achieved the sense of a dark and troubled past just waiting to burst forth through Lamia's cold exterior. She hides a lot of passion behind an air of indifference towards the world and a don't-mess-with-me attitude, and I strongly believe she has the guts (and the skills) to back it all up. The best thing about it all is that you manage to convey Lamia's inner turmoil without actually talking about it; all in all she is very well characterized, but I will admit my ulterior knowledge (of her, of you, and of psychology) does help the picture get painted so I'm interested to see what the others think about this.

I really enjoyed the alternative Carmaine you created for Lamia. In my initial post as Raythe I essentially described the city as a whole; you distinguished a very different aspect of the city, one which Raythe would not have seen. So what basically happened is I actually described only parts of the city, the ones Raythe would pay attention to, and you described the parts Lamia would pay most attention to. However, you also managed a marvelous transition between the two parts, elucidating the transformation from the slums to the upper parts of town. It's like you created this whole other world that exists in the shadow of the one we created before you arrived, invisible to us for good reason, and you integrated it perfectly.

blackwolt

First of all, I will say that I am still astounded with your ability to write with us on such a level. Language barriers are tough, and speaking English and having conversations in English--even writing a letter in English--cannot really compare to writing literature in English, and I am truly impressed with how well you've kept up with us.

Second of all, I will say that I cheated a bit, and I have read Queen's feedback post already and took note of some of the things she said about your work. I agree that you may not be being as reasonable with Valerie as you could be; so far no harm has been done and I'm not sure the things you've come up with will actually do any harm to any of us, but these are things you can work on for yourself, to improve the overall quality and enjoyment of your writing. The thing about Valerie being second-in-command of her guild is not in and of itself unbelievable, but the way you say she attained that position, accompanied by her age and relative newness to the guild, causes me to go, "Hold on a minute, now!"

However, I like how you've already created a personal antagonist for your character, even if I don't agree with the relationship they have. Not everything has to be about the group--individual development is important, too, and I'm excited to see how this shaky "alliance" between Valerie and Shadow plays out. You didn't describe Shadow in a particularly great amount of detail, so the only vision I have of him in my head is this really ambiguous, well, shadowy person. I'm not sure if yet if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but right now I'm okay with it. I think it communicates the point you were trying to make about him.

I was a bit surprised that you chose to intentionally separate Valerie from the rest of the characters. Because she has not yet interacted with any of them in a concrete fashion (Raythe was too busy with his own scuffle to notice Valerie saving him from a potential shot, for example) they won't know where she's gone or what she plans to do. Thus, they have no reason to stick around in the tavern, and the way things are looking we'll all be leaving through the back door within the next couple of posts. Thus, Valerie is going to be left on her own and it will be up to you to intersect her course with ours again in the future. Maybe this is what you want to do, and that's fine, but it might be hard, and might not be as much fun. I understand that Valerie is not a "get with the group" character, and that makes it challenging for you as a writer to give her a reason to be with the rest of us, but I'm confident you can come up with something.

Lilaiy

Well... what can I say? I suggested that you put your foot a bit farther in and try to connect with the plot, and you did it, and then some. In fact, you injected yourself so well into the story that you even managed to somehow integrate one of my plot devices into your own character, without me even mentioning a thing about it! So, many bravos to you. I'll be looking forward to seeing the relationship between Raythe and Nihm build around that device.

I'm really enjoying the quality time you're spending with Nihm's personal thoughts, and I like reading them as monologues. She's a very internalized character and you describe everything from a position deep within her. I feel like, even though you write in a third person voice, I'm seeing things from Nihm's eyes, whereas with the other characters, my own included, everything happens from outside. (Which not a bad thing and is not a knock against anyone else.) The inner battle between her belief that her father is still alive and her secret knowledge that that belief is wrong is progressing nicely, at just the right pace.

I'm sorry I don't have more to say about yours this round, but I can't find any faults worth pointing out. You really stepped up to the plate and knocked it out of the park.

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I'd like to say once again that everyone put forth fantastic work, but I expected no less after the last round. Thanks for making my job as a Mentor truly worth having.

[Skawaffle]

Sorry for the wait, everyone. I've been rediculously busy with the end of school quickly approaching... After it's done I should have much more time to devote to the roleplay, and put more thought into these analysis of mine. -salute- You all get cookies, due to having to wait for so long. (Extra one for queen. Sorry for snappin' at you. D:)

Dealing with it

My, my. Blem's certainly developed from last round. I'm glad you took my advice in terms of vocabulary, and description. I feel like I can accurately describe Blem's character now, with that last post. At least, to a fault anyway. I rather enjoyed the fact that your character seems to be a moral opposite of Cailen, and it should be an interesting relationship between them indeed, and you'll be seeing some reaction from the man since his morals won't allow him to kill, let alone someone else do it. I look forward to seeing future interactions involving Blem... I feel he's a good contrast to mine. :P

I really can't point out any flaws that haven't been addressed already, so good job mate.

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xQueenofspadesx

Lamia, I find, is a very interesting character. It's not often you'll see a chaotic evil portrayed so well in a roleplay. Type three, to be exact. Willing to do anything to anyone as long as she comes out on top. I'm rather interested on how you'll progress from here on out. Will she be dynamically changing, or will she end up as a somewhat static character, who stays as spiteful and vain as ever? I hope to find out soon. And yes, I did just use a D&D reference to classify your character. :P

As for your descriptions of her surroundings, they were wonderful. I feel the city coming more to life with every post, and I've witnessed the birth of the crime filled slums and shadows of the streets of Carmaine, so kudos to you for that. And to Lamia's personality shifts, it's entertaining to see the switch between her vanity, and badassery in such a short amount of time. All in all, I really like the way you've put things together for Lamia and the city so far, and I look forward to see the interactions between her and the ever honorable Cailen.

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Liliay

Your involvement thus far has improved exponentially, I must say. Though, I feel it could still use some work seeing as Cailen had addressed Nihm by her first name, yet he received no response. In a situation such as that, it's usually implied that the characters know eachother, or have at least met once or twice, even if you hadn't exactly planned so. I tend to try to involve characters in a group by giving them some sort of preexisting connection to them, such as Cailen and Nihm's knowledge of eachother. Address these sorts of attempts in the future, and your posts will be spot on!

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StandardFiend
Good work there buddy. That's all I've got to say here.... xD

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blackwolt
I thoroughly enjoy your descriptiveness, and attention to detail in your posts. Though, I do find that Val's fighting is a mite overpowered... Sure, she manages to get herself wounded in the process, but it's only a small one on the hand. Though her background placed her in a high place of an assassin's guild, I feel like it's a little out of place being so young. If she is such a great assassin and fighter, why is she looking for combat training? These conflicting images are pretty confusing to me... If she's as good as her title states, she would be able to trump any combat trainer she would come across, correct? I think you should tone it done a little on her power level. Drop it below that 9000 threshold, and let Vegeta's scouter live another day. It would make things so much more realistic, and believable. Saying that, the way you prevented her fighting is excellently written, simply too powerful. Try to incorporate her with the others a bit too. So far the only characters she's acknowledged are the minions in the tavern, Talice, and Cailen, even though there's a barfight going on with a rather rag-tag group of unexpected allies. If anything, a skilled assassin would make the group tremendously stronger, if only for the brief moment of the barfight, yet she runs and hides behind a door, that none of us really expected to be going to. Otherwise, nice job.