Needed A Mentor...

[Kugorie]

Hi I was hoping to get a mentor? Im not very good at roleplaying yet so it would be really nice to get some tips or maybe some help with my writing and helping with like characters and the differences between them and just little stuff like that.

I also dont know how to be very narrative or how to write long sentences or anything like that as you can probably tell from reading this. Which if this is a waste of your time with helping me im very sorry.

I would really appreciate some help so I can be a better roleplayer.

I have read the Roleplaying academy tips but It just doesnt seem like it would be the same compared to smeone actually helping me. So if you could please help that would be highly appreciated.

[Discipline]

Hello there! Have you already found a mentor?

[Kugorie]

No I dont yet

[Discipline]

Oh, you haven't? Then, if you don't mind being mentored by a non-blue-coloured-name, I'd like to extend my offer of mentorship to you!

Can I get some links to your most recent work? It can be anything -- links to RP threads, links to RP tab roleplays, short stories, long stories, in-between-stories, anything!

[Kugorie]

Ummmmm I can do my best but the only rp that I can really show you is not on this site because im just starting to roleplay on this site... But if you dont mind waiting a day I can get you one from this site...

[Kugorie]

Ok I wrote a story... Its just like not even really half a page of my story because I dont have a lot of detail... at least I dont think so... But anyways if you'd like to look at it I think you can get to it from this?

this-from-story-writing-t52350.html

[Jag]

I'm also here if there is anything that you need.

[Kugorie]

Thanks Jag feel free to check out my story and comment/ criticke (spelled wrong sorry)

[Discipline]

Sure, I don't mind looking at your RPs on other sites either. ^^ Show me everything, lawl.

Some thoughts on your story (sorry if I'm being rude or brusque, I just want to give honest opinions so we know where to improve!)

*I didn't understand that this was a story involving Olympians and gods and such until halfway into the story. Maybe give a little bit more detail and description earlier in?

*Why does the main character hate Damon just because they're destined to marry? Weren't they best friends before? Kind of cheap, if you ask me -- you could try to elaborate on the emotions the main character feels, or you could try to soften it up. Personally, I wouldn't say the main character directly hated him; perhaps embarrassment might be a better emotion to feel? Or a feeling of utter awkwardness around them?

*Run your posts through a spell-checker before you post them. I know this is a rough draft, so it won't matter much, but in RPs, excellent grammar and spelling are great. They look better and are easier to read. I suggest having out a tab of Microsoft Word to copy-paste your posts into.

*Remember punctuation at the ends of quotes (and also commas in general, to designate pauses in speaking)!

"Look now my son and my future daughter in law will grace us with a dance" his voice echoed throughout the great hall.

-- should be --

"Look, now my son and my future daughter in law will grace us with a dance," his voice echoed throughout the great hall.

*Damon's surprise and shock at being called to dance with the main character doesn't fit with the subsequent action, that of suddenly grabbing her to dance. Maybe an awkward, feeble motion towards the main character -- a weak hand inviting her to dance -- would be more fitting.

*The flashback when they dance should be a paragraph of its own instead of being in between the two ideas of the dance beginning and ending. Think of your posts in little sections. Unless they're closely related to each other, they shouldn't be in the same paragraph, or at least, they should be single-spaced. As it is, it's hard to note where the flashback begins and ends.

*So he enjoys the dance and walks out? Nothing else? Surely they can exchange a few words at least.

[Kugorie]

lol thanks and ya I was trying to the think of how to begin it since this is from like the middle of the book lol I didn't know how to throw in the Olympians.

And there is an actual explanation on why she hates Damon its just not in this part because yes they were great friends.

Ok I will defenitly use word more often now :)

Yes, your example sounds much better then mine thank you :) (Sorry Im answering these per paragraph lol)

Um I was trying to show that Damon didn't exactly want to dance but I didn't do a very good job I know :/

Ya I'll fix my flashbacks :)

Um I didn't know what to say cause he really didn't want to talk to her so what would you suggest?

And now that I hopefully cleared some stuff up what would ya like to know :) lol

[Discipline]

Oops! Sorry for my sudden disappearance. In the time that I've assessed your work and now, have you written anything else of note that I can read thru?

[Kugorie]

Hmmm let me see if I can find a good roleplay comment lol :P

[Kugorie]

Here..... A small comment...

Dustin sauntered out of his old beat up house. The boards on the house were falling apart and the paint was old and falling off. It looked like something off of a horror movie, the windows were falling apart and the hinges were falling off. The house was supposed to be a cream colour but it looked like a rusted brown with pieces of dirt cream within it.

Dustin hardly even noticed his falling apart house. He just rested his arms on the old railing that wrapped around the houses porch. He looked out at the street watching people pass by. Many smiled as they passed the house but Dustin just ignored them, he was too deeply in thought of what he should do about his freakishly real nightmares. Unfortunatly he couldn't think long before he had to go inside to grab his breakfast.

[Discipline]

Some thoughts, again:

*You reuse the phrase 'falling x' a lot. Could you replace that word in subsequent instances with other descriptive words, like dilapidated, "in peril of suddenly collapsing", etc.? As it is, the comparison to a house in a horror movie is a bit weak. If you used different words, it would flow better.

*"but it looked like a rusted brown"? Do you mean it was actually the colour of rust, or was it actually cream but... somehow looked brown? Don't use indirect comparisons like that -- they mess up the flow of the story.

*"too deeply in thought of what he should do" is a bit of a strange selection of words. Can you think of any ways that you could change that esoteric phrase to something else?

*You're doing good with the spellchecking! But there are a few minor instances of misspelling. For example: "houses porch" should be "house's porch", and "Unfortunatly" should be "Unfortunately". Don't be discouraged, you're improving very well!

[Kugorie]

Lol thank you :) Ya I always spell unfortunately wrong lol.

Is there anychance you could give me a sample of a good descripted post thats not very long?

[Discipline]

XD What kind of genre do you want? A fighting or non-fighting post? More descriptive or more dialogue-ish? And do you want me to write it or should I give you someone else's? Does it matter to you what kind?

[Kugorie]

Um if you could write it , it would be nice. Ummmmmmm non fighting? Dialogue or descriptive and what kind???????? lol

[Jag]

Just another small note regarding grammar. This is a common mistake that few people ever catch and I find myself using improperly.

"Falling off of" -- there is no need for the "of." You can either say "falling off" or "falling from," but the of is a redundant word that otherwise adds nothing to the phrase. This is one of those things that use incorrectly in the spoken word all the time, but it becomes far more apparent when written.

You're really improving and it's great to see. Also, thank you so much to Aspiration for helping!

[Discipline]

The Rage of Denver -- while you might not know the backstory of this RP, I hope you'll appreciate it. I know it's a lot to read, especially asking you to read every post, but reading is how one really learns the finer arts of writing.

Would you mind pointing out some things you especially notice in the writing? Different styles of writing -- some more descriptive, some more abstract, some more full of dialogue, some full of flowery writing, and others relatively dry? Use of semicolons / strange punctuation? Note where you point these out and how these factors interact with other factors to create an RP.

[Kugorie]

Im sooo sorry, I forgot to look at this, um yes I will defenitly look at it, do I start from the beginning?