Help me please?

This is what i've got so far but everyone keeps saying its not good enough: After the epidemic that wiped out all the adults Layla was burying someone's parents. She had volunteered to do this because she was the oldest and strongest of the bunch. "Is that all of them?" Layla asked. "No we still got to bury your parents remember?" the twins, Aki and Akiko, replied. Layla tried to hold her tears back."What will we do without our parents?" she asked silently."Where’s my mommy?" the youngest one, Kenny, asked. "We'd better get inside it almost night time. Unless we want to get eaten by the wolves...." the second oldest, Margerete, said. Suddenly in the bushes they see two red eyes. "Run!" the third oldest, Tawny, said while whipping out his sword.
Meanwhile back at the high school the girls Anna, May and, Alice where getting supper ready while waiting for the protectors and Kenny to come home. "Where could they be?" Alice wondered. "I hope they're all right!" May said while stoking the fire they had built from two desks. "What’s taking them so long?" Anne said worried. Suddenly the protectors barged through the door carrying a dead wolf and a badly wounded Margerete. "Boil some water girls. These wounds are deep and need to be cleaned thoroughly." Layla shouted then added softly “Don’t you die on us Magerete!"
Rules
They're nine children, more characters are welcome but it starts when there's eight. Oh and I would like for two of them to be twins.
This story needs three protectors (one girl and two boys of various ages) three girls that cook and clean (Of various ages), and one boy toddler who doesn't really know what's going on.
This is what your character sheet should look like:
Name: name
Description: color of eyes , hair , style of dress and age
Weapons or equipment: like for instance medical supplies or sword
History: what was their life like before the epidemic?

Thanks for stopping by the Academy!

I don't think that what you have -- which I know to be the introduction to the RP -- really reads like a good introduction and introduces potential writers. It reads more like a post than an introduction. I like the fact that you're trying to establish characters and a story, but I think that you should just focus on telling people what kind of game you're writing and what you expect from them. Don't try to get so artsy. Just explain it in very simple and plain language without the dialogue. You can take a paragraph to explain the individual characters if you want, but the way that you've got things now is very distracting.

Feel free to post a revised version here!

Is this better:
Ok so heres the sitch:
After all the adults were wiped out by a strange illness their poor children are left to fend for themselves against wolves and starvation.Will they survive without their parents?Or will they all perish in horrible ways? And can they find a cure for this disease before they reach adulthood?
These are the syptoms of the disease the adult died of:
Symptoms: irritability, tingling in extremities, paranoia
Cause: unknown, suspected viral
Course: death unless treated
Treatment: no known cure

It's more concise and to the point, which is better.

How many kids are there? Where are they? What have been been doing and how have they been surviving up to this point? Details!

is this better?
Ok so heres the sitch:
After all the adults were wiped out by a strange illness their poor children are left to fend for themselves against wolves and starvation.Will they survive without their parents?Or will they all perish in horrible ways? And can they find a cure for this disease before they reach adulthood?
These are the syptoms of the disease the adult died of:
Symptoms: irritability, tingling in extremities, paranoia
Cause: unknown, suspected viral
Course: death unless treated
Treatment: no known cure
There are nine children that live in a town just outside New Orleans...up until now their parents where taking care of them so they haven't any clue how to survive they just know they have to work together, to make matters worse most of the children, in a nutshell, are all completly overcome by emotion and cant seem to express it properly how long will it be before someone starts crying uncontrollably, or goes completely beserk?