Hierarchy

So this is my first chapter ... I just wanted to know whether or not I should continue the story ... let me know!


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Chapter 1: Caleb

I was staring out the window, as the sun began poking above the buildings next door. I watched lazily from my bed as the light began to fill my room. Closer, I pulled the duvet until everything but the top half of my head was covered. I didn’t want to get up, and I didn’t want to except the fact that this day was probably going to be the longest day of my life.

I could hear hushed voices creeping along the corridor, and something told me that I was about to be called. Sure enough, a low grumbling voice called from down the hallway.

“Caleb?” it called, as if it knew I was awake already.

He had a tendency to do that. It seemed to me that my father knew when I was awake, even before I left the comfort of my mattress. I let out a small sigh. While lying on my stomach, and with my head turned to the right, I began to stretch every part of my body. First, I pointed my toes toward the bottom of my bed and stretched my legs for a good thirty seconds before shifting my arms so they were pointing straight out from my body. I felt the cramps in my joints begin to melt away. I gave a large yawn, that even made my throat gurgle before stopping. Lastly, and still lying on my stomach, I stretched my wings as far as they would go. The white duvet that I had worked so hard to hide under fell off the side of my bed and landed in a heap on the wooden floor. A few white feathers trimmed with gold fluttered to the ground as I gave my wings a quick flap before they shuddered and folded themselves on my back.

I moved to a sitting position and then slowly, climbed from the bed. The hard wood floors seemed colder this morning and the air appeared to be thicker than usual. My room that had felt so comforting seemed to be taunting me, preparing me for the big day. My toes curled on the floor boards and I began to wander over to the chest of drawers when I heard the same low voice coming from outside my oak polished door.

“Caleb?” It said again.
“Mm?” I replied.

There was no response, except for the soft sounds of slippers padding away from the door.

I dressed and brushed my hair, staring at my reflection in the mirror. I was wearing a plain white blouse, with tight fitting black dress pants that emphasized my long legs. On my right wrist, was a gold band that had my family crest engraved on it; a stylized Great White Owl perched on a tree branch, glaring up at you. I grinned, looking down at it. So bitter I thought to myself. On my left wrist, I wore two plain silver bangles; a symbol to those who passed me by. Each bangle an angel wore meant something. For instance, I had two silver bangles which meant that I was still an angel in training.

It wasn’t until an hour later that I emerged from my room, and headed straight for the dining hall. I entered the room from a door to the left of the great table, and took my time getting to my seat. Food of every type was covering the table. I could smell the freshly baked bread and I could still hear the sharp sizzling of the bacon as it cooled itself on a white dish. The fruit was fresh, and the water droplets that clung to the smooth skin of the white plums glittered in the morning light. I sat and opened a newspaper, entirely revolted by the display of the gourmet breakfast in front of me. My mother insisted that I joined the table every morning, although I ate no more than she did.

My mother was an archangel who demanded great respect from all the lower ranks. Her name was Gabrielle and she was one of His seven. Gabrielle was His left hand, and was responsible for the important tasks. Most angels wanted to be Gabrielle, and more wanted to be with Gabrielle. Needless to say, I have a lot of siblings. Although Gabrielle was only impregnated when she wanted to be, it was enough times to roughly estimate that I had twelve acknowledged siblings and forty-eight unofficial brothers and sisters.

Gabrielle was truly divine, sitting straight backed and elegant. Her long ice-lilac hair flowed over her shoulder and down her back. She wore a low cut, white dress that tightened around her torso and fell loosely around her legs. The dress had two large slits on that crept up to either side of her hip. Her long milky legs were flawless in the morning sun. Her eyes were an icy lilac that matched her hair brilliantly, and they were not kind. Her features were sharp, and her chin had a beautiful point rather than a plump and rounded curve like most females.

I could feel her eyes on me as I entered the room. I never lifted my own eyes to meet hers as I took my seat on her left. The man of the house always sat on her right. The right seat was reserved for my oldest brother, Gabriel who took after my mother in every way except for the color of his eyes. Rather than having the icy lilac eyes of Gabrielle, he had wine red eyes that bore into your heart every time you met them with your own. Although my father lived in my mother’s house, he was not permitted to join her family at the table. In fact, none of our father’s were. The men in my mother’s life may have been liked well enough to bed but never were they loved or respected enough to join my mother at the table.


Gabriel turned to look at me and with a small smile he said;


“Good morning, Caleb. I am sure you’re looking forward to the ceremony. I know I am. Finally being promoted, little cherub.”


Gabriel was a hard man to read; the tone of his voice and the expression of his face were not true indicators of his feelings. Although I had not been a cherub in many years, Gabrielle always referred to me as such. If it had been anyone else, I would have been offended. It was hard to be offended by someone as beautiful as Gabriel. I have heard the other junior angels jabber on about Gabriel for hours at a time; he’s almost as respected as my mother.


“I only hope the ceremony is as successful as yours was, Gabriel.”

By looking at the smile fade from Gabriel’s face, I realized immediately that he must have thought my reply was sarcastic. I suppose it sounded sarcastic, but it was supposed to be flattering.

“Unlikely,” I heard another voice say from down the table. “Gabe has us all pretty much beat.” The man who spoke was Gabriel’s twin brother, Lucius. Lucius was tall and dark like their father. His eyes were lilac, and stood out against his bronze skin. His hair was scruffy, unkempt and a fine layer of black whiskers to match his hair grew across his jaw. Lucius wasted his time with pathetic romances, which costs him more than their worth. He was the type of guy to lure any innocent girl into bed and never acknowledge them the day after.

Even though Lucius and Gabriel were twins, it is understood, even with the servants, that if it were not for Gabriel, Lucius would not be sitting at our table at all. Despite Lucius being the more powerful.


Gabriel was not always my mother’s favorite. In fact, Lucius had always had her favor before his own ceremony to become an archangel, 50 years previously. In order to become an archangel, you must swear yourself to Him for the rest of your life. Training is the most difficult years for an archangel. There are levels in the training that must take place before one becomes an actual archangel. For example, the first level in training is referred to as the “Trial of Devotion,” in which the angel in training becomes celibate for one hundred years to prove their complete dedication to Him. Obviously, this would be a problem to an angel such as Lucius. Lucius bailed on his ceremony only minutes before they proclaimed him an “Apprentice.”

“Well, the ceremony may not be as grand as Gabriel’s but let us hope that it is more successful than your’s, Lucius.” My mother said, narrowing her eyes at Lucius.

Lucius smiled, unfazed by my mother’s comment.

“However,” my mother continued “if the worst should happen, Caleb, remember: you can always travel the path towards being a guardian like your brother.” Again, Lucius smiled sweetly at the elegant woman but this time, I could tell in his eyes that she was getting closer to his last nerve.

Lucius was a guardian angel, which is by no means anything to be ashamed of, if it were anyone else other than him. He was destined to be one of His seven, but turned it down to be nothing spectacular. This would be the same as turning down the chance of owning your own restaurant to being a waiter.

“What do you think about that, Caleb? About turning down the chance in being a higher angel for the chance of being human?”

I saw where this conversation was going and I grew worried. I didn’t want to upset Lucius for fear of being punished later, but I was even more terrified of embarrassing my mother who could easily wash away my future with one wave of her hand. Luckily, I didn’t need to wait much longer because Gabriel spoke again,

“Caleb, I have a graduation gift for you. Selma, bring the gift in.” Selma, was a small woman who served my mother for quite a number of years. She was thin, and had a sickly color to her skin. Her hair was a dirty blonde that trailed down her back and in between her plain brown wings. She gave a small nod in acknowledgment and walked from the room.

A few awkward moments filled with silence passed before Selma came back in with a small bundle wrapped in white silk. The plain woman walked over to me. I set aside me newspaper and reached for the small package.

“Thank you Selm-“ before I could finish my sentence Selma tightly held the package and slipped out it’s contents. A gleaming dagger with jewels incrusted in the hilt stood there in her hands, pointing dangerously at me.

Gathering my thoughts I quickly I dove for the woman, attempting to knock her off her feet. As I stood from my chair, grabbing her shoulders, I felt a sharp pain in my stomach. Before I lost consciousness, I heard Lucius yelling.

Hm. Angelic salacity, indeed.

Apple, keep going, but watch out for your comma usage.

[quote="apple"]So this is my first chapter ... I just wanted to know whether or not I should continue the story ... let me know!


**********

Chapter 1: Caleb

I was staring out the window, as the sun began poking above the buildings next door. I watched lazily from my bed as the light began to fill my room. Closer, I pulled the duvet until everything but the top half of my head was covered. I didn’t want to get up, and I didn’t want to except the fact that this day was probably going to be the longest day of my life.

I could hear hushed voices creeping along the corridor, and something told me that I was about to be called. Sure enough, a low grumbling voice called from down the hallway.

“Caleb?” it called, as if it knew I was awake already.

He had a tendency to do that. It seemed to me that my father knew when I was awake, even before I left the comfort of my mattress. I let out a small sigh. While lying on my stomach, and with my head turned to the right, I began to stretch every part of my body. First, I pointed my toes toward the bottom of my bed and stretched my legs for a good thirty seconds before shifting my arms so they were pointing straight out from my body. I felt the cramps in my joints begin to melt away. I gave a large yawn, that even made my throat gurgle before stopping. Lastly, and still lying on my stomach, I stretched my wings as far as they would go. The white duvet that I had worked so hard to hide under fell off the side of my bed and landed in a heap on the wooden floor. A few white feathers trimmed with gold fluttered to the ground as I gave my wings a quick flap before they shuddered and folded themselves on my back.

I moved to a sitting position and then slowly, climbed from the bed. The hard wood floors seemed colder this morning and the air appeared to be thicker than usual. My room that had felt so comforting seemed to be taunting me, preparing me for the big day. My toes curled on the floor boards and I began to wander over to the chest of drawers when I heard the same low voice coming from outside my oak polished door.

“Caleb?” It said again.
“Mm?” I replied.

There was no response, except for the soft sounds of slippers padding away from the door.

I dressed and brushed my hair, staring at my reflection in the mirror. I was wearing a plain white blouse, with tight fitting black dress pants that emphasized my long legs. On my right wrist, was a gold band that had my family crest engraved on it; a stylized Great White Owl perched on a tree branch, glaring up at you. I grinned, looking down at it. So bitter I thought to myself. On my left wrist, I wore two plain silver bangles; a symbol to those who passed me by. Each bangle an angel wore meant something. For instance, I had two silver bangles which meant that I was still an angel in training.
This is a rather poor attempt to put exposition into your character's actions--the narrative comes to a grinding halt here. Try another way. Describe his attire while he puts it on, rather than have him stare at it for a full paragraph.

It wasn’t until an hour later that I emerged from my room, and headed straight for the dining hall. I entered the room from a door to the left of the great table, and took my time getting to my seat. Food of every type was covering the table. I could smell the freshly baked bread and I could still hear the sharp sizzling of the bacon as it cooled itself on a white dish. The fruit was fresh, and the water droplets that clung to the smooth skin of the white plums glittered in the morning light. I sat and opened a newspaper, entirely revolted by the display of the gourmet breakfast in front of me. My mother insisted that I joined the table every morning, although I ate no more than she did.
Why does a gourmet breakfast revolt him?

My mother was an archangel who demanded great respect from all the lower ranks. Her name was Gabrielle and she was one of His seven. Gabrielle was His left hand, and was responsible for the important tasks. Most angels wanted to be Gabrielle, and more wanted to be with Gabrielle. Needless to say, I have a lot of siblings. Although Gabrielle was only impregnated when she wanted to be, it was enough times to roughly estimate that I had twelve acknowledged siblings and forty-eight unofficial brothers and sisters.
More angels than most? How can there be more than most?
Gabrielle was truly divine, sitting straight backed and elegant. Her long ice-lilac hair flowed over her shoulder and down her back. She wore a low cut, white dress that tightened around her torso and fell loosely around her legs. The dress had two large slits on that crept up to either side of her hip. Her long milky legs were flawless in the morning sun. Her eyes were an icy lilac that matched her hair brilliantly, and they were not kind. Her features were sharp, and her chin had a beautiful point rather than a plump and rounded curve like most females.

I could feel her eyes on me as I entered the room. I never lifted my own eyes to meet hers as I took my seat on her left. The man of the house always sat on her right. The right seat was reserved for my oldest brother, Gabriel who took after my mother in every way except for the color of his eyes. Rather than having the icy lilac eyes of Gabrielle, he had wine red eyes that bore into your heart every time you met them with your own. Although my father lived in my mother’s house, he was not permitted to join her family at the table. In fact, none of our father’s were. The men in my mother’s life may have been liked well enough to bed but never were they loved or respected enough to join my mother at the table.


Gabriel turned to look at me and with a small smile he said;


“Good morning, Caleb. I am sure you’re looking forward to the ceremony. I know I am. Finally being promoted, little cherub.”


Gabriel was a hard man to read; the tone of his voice and the expression of his face were not true indicators of his feelings. Although I had not been a cherub in many years, Gabrielle always referred to me as such. If it had been anyone else, I would have been offended. It was hard to be offended by someone as beautiful as Gabriel. I have heard the other junior angels jabber on about Gabriel for hours at a time; he’s almost as respected as my mother.
You mean Gabriel was a hard angel to read, right?

“I only hope the ceremony is as successful as yours was, Gabriel.”

By looking at the smile fade from Gabriel’s face, I realized immediately that he must have thought my reply was sarcastic. I suppose it sounded sarcastic, but it was supposed to be flattering.

“Unlikely,” I heard another voice say from down the table. “Gabe has us all pretty much beat.” The man who spoke was Gabriel’s twin brother, Lucius. Lucius was tall and dark like their father. His eyes were lilac, and stood out against his bronze skin. His hair was scruffy, unkempt and a fine layer of black whiskers to match his hair grew across his jaw. Lucius wasted his time with pathetic romances, which costs him more than their worth. He was the type of guy to lure any innocent girl into bed and never acknowledge them the day after.
Never aknowledge her the day after, not them. Keep your plurality consistant.

Even though Lucius and Gabriel were twins, it is understood, even with the servants, that if it were not for Gabriel, Lucius would not be sitting at our table at all. Despite Lucius being the more powerful.
How is Lucius more powerful? Is he physically stronger? Can he use magic? Does he have important friends?

Gabriel was not always my mother’s favorite. In fact, Lucius had always had her favor before his own ceremony to become an archangel, 50 years previously. In order to become an archangel, you must swear yourself to Him for the rest of your life. Training is the most difficult years for an archangel. There are levels in the training that must take place before one becomes an actual archangel. For example, the first level in training is referred to as the “Trial of Devotion,” in which the angel in training becomes celibate for one hundred years to prove their complete dedication to Him. Obviously, this would be a problem to an angel such as Lucius. Lucius bailed on his ceremony only minutes before they proclaimed him an “Apprentice.”

“Well, the ceremony may not be as grand as Gabriel’s but let us hope that it is more successful than your’s, Lucius.” My mother said, narrowing her eyes at Lucius.

Lucius smiled, unfazed by my mother’s comment.

“However,” my mother continued “if the worst should happen, Caleb, remember: you can always travel the path towards being a guardian like your brother.” Again, Lucius smiled sweetly at the elegant woman but this time, I could tell in his eyes that she was getting closer to his last nerve.

Lucius was a guardian angel, which is by no means anything to be ashamed of, if it were anyone else other than him. He was destined to be one of His seven, but turned it down to be nothing spectacular. This would be the same as turning down the chance of owning your own restaurant to being a waiter.

“What do you think about that, Caleb? About turning down the chance in being a higher angel for the chance of being human?”

I saw where this conversation was going and I grew worried. I didn’t want to upset Lucius for fear of being punished later, but I was even more terrified of embarrassing my mother who could easily wash away my future with one wave of her hand. Luckily, I didn’t need to wait much longer because Gabriel spoke again,

“Caleb, I have a graduation gift for you. Selma, bring the gift in.” Selma, was a small woman who served my mother for quite a number of years. She was thin, and had a sickly color to her skin. Her hair was a dirty blonde that trailed down her back and in between her plain brown wings. She gave a small nod in acknowledgment and walked from the room.

A few awkward moments filled with silence passed before Selma came back in with a small bundle wrapped in white silk. The plain woman walked over to me. I set aside me newspaper and reached for the small package.

“Thank you Selm-“ before I could finish my sentence Selma tightly held the package and slipped out it’s contents. A gleaming dagger with jewels incrusted in the hilt stood there in her hands, pointing dangerously at me.

Gathering my thoughts I quickly I dove for the woman, attempting to knock her off her feet. As I stood from my chair, grabbing her shoulders, I felt a sharp pain in my stomach. Before I lost consciousness, I heard Lucius yelling.